Support thread for currently divorcing mamas?

[SummerLove]

I would really love to have a thread for all of us -in the middle of divorce- mamas can come and ask questions and get some support.

I am divorcing STBX.. I was the one who asked for the divorce because I am soooo unhappy in our marriage. He is being very difficult. I have no income besides my student money for being a FT student, and can't hire a lawyer. I want to file the papers on Monday, right after classes...

Does STBX have to sign with me when I file?
After I file for divorce, with our custody arrangements in the paperwork, can he legally take our kids, before the divorce is finalized?


I feel like I am treading through water here... I KNOW I want out of our marriage.. I have for so many years now, but I hate drama and that's the reason I went back in the first place last time I tried this.

As soon as I asked to divorce him he started accusing me of being a bad, neglectful, violent mother, which I am NOT! But I am terrified he actually thinks this about me and is going to try to take our kids away from me. From the beginning I've said I want joint custody because it's the best thing for our kids to have both of their parents... but I am so scared somedays I want to just runaway with them!

help?!!?

[vannienicole]

Falling asleep right now, but wanting to say that I am with you. Just entered month 11 of our divorce. I can't answer your questions, but some lawyers do free consults. It might be worth it to go to one and just ask your questions. What about legal aid?

I have spent $4000 on my divorce so far, but after all the stunts my stbx pulled, I realized my amazing lawyer (well known kick butt laywer in my county) is worth every penny of her $230 an hour fee. I have taken out extra in student loans and used my tax refund to pay her. Some lawyers also do payment arrangements. You might want to look into it.

[Avani]

Well I'm in the middle of divorce only because my ex refuses to sign off. I filed back in 1/07. Still dragging my way through court hearings. Anyhow to answer a few of your questions. You file the papers, you have your ex served with the papers, within the papers you are serving your ex is with an order of sorts that prohibits either parent from leaving the county and state with the children. At the point you file and serve it will be in your best interest and the children's to behave as peaceful and amicable as possible because everything will be used against you in court if your ex is at all hostile or against the divorce. If he is amicable also it can be a peaceful experience.

[Avani]

Also before you file everything have a lawyer look over the papers. If you miss anything in those papers you will have to refile everything. Most courthouses have a free clinic or free assistance with things like this. You usually have to make an appt or spend hours waiting but is totally worth it.

[Purple*Lotus]

Originally Posted by Avani

Well I'm in the middle of divorce only because my ex refuses to sign off. I filed back in 1/07. Still dragging my way through court hearings. Anyhow to answer a few of your questions. You file the papers, you have your ex served with the papers, within the papers you are serving your ex is with an order of sorts that prohibits either parent from leaving the county and state with the children. At the point you file and serve it will be in your best interest and the children's to behave as peaceful and amicable as possible because everything will be used against you in court if your ex is at all hostile or against the divorce. If he is amicable also it can be a peaceful experience.

Wow, that is a long time. How long can he go without signing? Where I live they have one year and one day, then you are granted your divorce. I would hate to have to wait as long as you have.

[SummerLove]

Originally Posted by Purple*Lotus

Wow, that is a long time. How long can he go without signing? Where I live they have one year and one day, then you are granted your divorce. I would hate to have to wait as long as you have.

I think in my state it gives them 20 days to sign, but I'm not sure what happens after that.

I've decided to take my paperwork into a lawyer tomorrow to have them look it over. On their website, they say that they give a reduced rate.. I have NO money and not even a credit card, so I might have to see if I can get an emergency student loan, or something.

[josybear]

i've been separated for more than 1.5 years and am finally getting hte ball rolling on a divorce. i should have done it sooner, but i was so busy with survivalt hat it got put ont he back burner... anyways, i'm on it now and hope to be divorced by xmas. i can't speak to the technicalities of your situation, since i'm canadian, but just believe me when i say that good legal help is the best thing you can do for yourself. the process is complicated, and while you may be able to do it on your own, i wouldn't advise it.
actually, i've found it empowering and exciting to be gathering all the documents and filling out all the forms. i'm taking this step and getting more free of ex's crappy influence in my life. i'm asking for everything i want, and i have decent chances of getting it. it feels good to finally have some power in our relationship.

[SummerLove]

With everything going on, he is still trying to win me back. It makes me feel like a heartless B&^%$, but I KNOW that divorcing is what I want. I KNOW that he will be nice to me until things are comfortable again, and then it will all just go back to being crappy, and unhappy.

I cannot wait until tomorrow, Monday! It has been such a long weekend, I really just want to start the process and try to file if I can (after I talk to the lawyer).

[simplemama32]

I've been separated from STBX since March, and officially filed for divorce at the beginning of October. I'm hoping we can move things along rather quickly, but I'm worried that STBX will drag things out forever. Our relationship has been fairly amicable lately, which is good, but he pushed me into letting him try an overnight with DS (2.5 yrs) this past weekend. That was REALLY hard...harder for me to handle than DS, apparently...but we made it through!

SummerLove -- Mine is still trying to get me back, too (when he's not telling me what an awful person I am), and thinks that I still might reconsider. Um, not so much. BTDT...I know he's not going to change.

[doubledutch]

i've been separated for four months (as of tomorrow!) but haven't filed for divorce yet. i don't exactly know why i haven't. i know i want a divorce, for sure.

[haydn'smommy]

My STBX told me he didn't want to be married anymore in August. I filed in September. Things were very ugly at first. Lots of screaming and calling me names, even in front of the kids. I made him start only communicating via email and txt and that slowed him down so that now things are very amicable. We both love our boys and want them to be untouched by this as much as possible. We are working at developing a friendship and business relationship as co-parents.
Once you file, they will serve your H. He will have a certain number of days to respond. Your filing should have stuff in it about neither of you leaving the area, temporary support, temporary parenting plan, etc. A good attorney can walk you through this process and help you get what you and your children deserve. My attorney is $350/hr but she's worth every dime. I wanted someone who was no nonsense and who could whoop his *** if we went to court. She's a bulldog and will really fight to get me the best settlement possible.

[Moochie Mamma]

Separated a month ago, will file soon. All I can say right now is AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! Will post more details later- or you can read my new post about bipolar kids. Definitely need a support group.

[SummerLove]

I really want to file on Monday. He says he wants to wait and take his time. I think that he thinks there is still a chance to get back together- but there is not. Especially since he's been talking so much &*$# about me to all his friends and family since this started- why in the world would I ever want to face them after all of the s-talking? I dunno.. I don't handle that very well, I guess. I'm a pretty private person and didn't call up everyone I knew and told them what a UAV he was, but he did that with me.

Anyway.. I am filing on Monday.. the options are he agrees to the divorce/custody in the one I have (or we agree on one together), or I just file and he can hire a lawyer to appeal it if he won't bother work with me about it (then I hire a lawyer in turn and we rack up tons of debt, yay).

I am confused about the steps.. and I'm sure it varies in every state, but I think I print 3 copies, take one to the notary and sign them, then file it with the courts, then serve him with the other one, and the 3rd is mine. I'm not sure what happens after I serve him, if he signs his copy and gives it to the court or what.. anyone know? Anyway, if he doesn't do anything by 20 days then the one that is in the court is the one, and he can't appeal it.

[JaneS]

I filed after years of STBX threatening to file but never doing anything about it. He has refused to talk to me outside of therapy and mediation for almost 3 years now.
 

Edited by JaneS - 7/14/11 at 4:39pm

[vannienicole]

About the serving. I would spring for a process server if I were you. The ones in my area run between $25 and $50. That way if there is any doubt about the exact day, you have a professional, not biased person to verify that he was served. You know?

[Ceinwen]

Separated for almost two years. Filed for divorce last week. My ex is having a conniption fit - I can see him making this difficult.

Here he has 30 days to respond. If he chooses to sign off, great. If he causes trouble, I have 10 days to reply. If he does nothing, after the 30 days - it'll be signed off.

God I can not wait. My kids are gone this weekend, he was just served this past week. I'm really hoping there's no drama w/him at drop off tomorrow night (my gf will be getting them as I'll be at work).

Just want the damn papers signed. I haven't made any changes from the original separation papers (which I paid for incidentally) and he's acting as though I'm trying to take him to the cleaners.

No change in support, custody, etc. and I'm paying for the divorce. Not sure what his issue is.

[provocativa]

we are in the middle of it, too. i still haven't found a job, and though i could afford our tiny house, i doubt that i have the credit to refinance. he wants joint custody, i want sole custody. i guess i shouldn't plot out my strategy in case he has the sense to search here, but i doubt he does.

[justmama]

I'm in the middle too. We separated back in Oct 07.  I got in touch with legal aid in May of 09.  I finally had my first appt with them in Sept 09 and my divorce was FINALLY filed in July 2010.  We went to court in Sept 2010 and came to an agreement in court on that date.  We have a preliminary agreement but per our state's laws, we have to wait 91 days before the paperwork can be put in officially and we can be divorced.  That would fall on Christmas Day.  :(  Merry Christmas huh?  All in all, things are fine.  It's just a piece of paper.  We've been separated 3 years now, and things are quite amicable(we actually just took our little two out to breakfast and shopping yesterday just cause we felt like it and we do things together as a family like Trick or Treating or mini vacations during the summer, etc).  I think it were different but. . . . . I'm happy that if I don't get my husband, my kids at least get two involved parents who care about them enough to make things work the best way they know how to.  I'm happy that we are as civil as we are because it could really be a miserable situation if we weren't.  It's not the way I want our relationship to go but I feel good that we have enough respect for each other right now to be good co-parents.  I'm sure things won't always be so good and they haven't in the past but for the most part our co-parenting relationship is wonderful.

[Hollycrand]

Ugh.  Court date this morning.  Another postponement until December 14.  My ex won't agree to sign the final divorce papers because he says 'we have a communication problem'.  Um...HE doesn't communicate with ME, that's the problem'.  Today I asked him, in front of the lawyers after the court appearance was finished, for examples of my 'horrible' communication, and he couldn't give me one single example.  He just said, 'I'm done talking.'.

This is the guy who doesn't sign the kids up for day care on teacher inservice days or day care field trips at all, doesn't tell me, and then I only find out by accident....refuses to take our youngest to gymnastics, then accuses me of making unilateral decisions....

If I get through this divorce without having to be taken away by men in white coats, I will be happy. 

So no divorce in sight.  HUGE debt though...

[haydn'smommy]

Terrible day today. My 3 yr old is sitting in his carseat on the way to daycare and says, "I wake up and I say, 'Daddy come back. Daddy come back. And I cry a little.'" He then goes on and says, "I not want you take me to school, mama. I want to go to the red school. It's happy when daddy take me to school." (The red school was his old daycare and in happier times STBX took him and picked him up). I wanted to just die. My baby is hurting so much from this and I can't fix it. D****it, it's my job as his mama to make things better, and I can't. It hurts my heart so much. I called STBX and told him what H had said and he started crying. He went by the daycare this morning to spend a few minutes with him and he's going to pick him up tonight, but it's not enough. My baby wants his daddy here, and his daddy doesn't want to be here. It just sucks.