Resenting partner for not wanting another child

[FineByMe]

I know there are a couple of active threads on this topic right now but I am absolutely heartbroken that my DH is not willing for us to have another child.

We have three DCs, 8, 5, and 2 ½. I have always known that I wanted 4 children and knew that ideally I would be the one home with them. I have a couple of advanced degrees and am ¾ of the way to earning my PhD. I work full time; DH works very part time (10 hrs/wk) and is home with the kids. The reality is that I haven’t been earning these degrees because I wanted to. I also don't enjoy being a WOHM. I have been doing both out of necessity, with the hopes of creating a better life for all of us. Dh has 20 years of experience in food service which neither pays well or typically offers benefits. It is not that DH will not work, it is that in our current city he cannot make enough to offset the cost of childcare, so he works when I am home.

I really want another baby. DH says we can have one once I figure out a way for me to be home full time. I really resent him for this. I feel like saying “Well why don’t you dream yourself a degree so I can stay home?” I have made it known numerous times over the past 8 years that I want to be home with the kids but DH has been unwilling to make the changes necessary for this to happen. (He has a long list of excuses such as he is not interested in anything but food service, he believes he’s not smart enough to get a degree, etc, etc.)

I feel like we are at an absolute impasse. It makes me so sad/angry/depressed to think that we are done. Does anyone have tips for getting past the resentment towards a partner who does not share your goals to have more children?

[lunarlady]

From reading your post, it sounds like your DH is the SAH parent, and you are the WOH parent/breadwinner for the family. It also sounds like neither one of you is happy with your roles, which makes a great deal of stress in the relationship. If your DH was happy and excited about being a SAHD, would you feel better about WOH? Does his desire to not have another child come from a desire to get out of the house and back to work? Honestly it sounds like there is a lot going on with your lives, and the kid issue just one faucet of a complex issue. I would suggest some counciling, either as a couple or solo, so that you can find a path to happiness for both of you. Some men find it particularly hard to SAH when our society tells them they are supposed to "wear the pants" and "bring home the bacon". Good luck and I hope you find peace.

[texmati]

Well, you arent at an impasse-- it seems like your dh is saying-- no more kids in this situation.

Would it be worth it to seriously change your lifestyle so he *can* work full time in food service, and you SAH?

This might require quite a bit of sacrifice, but it might be possible? Also, SAH isn't for everyone-- perhaps it might be worth it to have *both* of you work ft, and hire childcare? Even if the math doesn't work out totally, it might be a step in the right direction for your family.

I can sympathize with your and you DP's frustration-- being in a situation where you re being forced to SAH is no fun either.