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Just Don't Like Ds's friend

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 
DS just turned 12 and he and I have a great relationship. He will even say "I know you have to be my mom first, but you really are my friend" and I love hearing him say that. That being said, he does have friends his own age, both boys and girls that he enjoys hanging out with. I own a martial arts school so a lot of his friends are the kids from our school. This means that I know his friends and they're parents fairly well.

There is one boy in particular who is about 2 years older than DS and they have been friends for about 5 years now. In the last year, this boy has really gotten out of hand. He is rude and disrespectful to his parents and to other children. I had to suspend him from the karate school for two weeks for his attitude and since then he has been the perfect angel there. We had him on a "Three strikes" rule and still do.

He fancies himself a "player" and I've overheard him several times talk explicitly to other kids about what he wants to do with girls. All talk, maybe, I don't know, but really it's enough to make me blush sometimes. Between his talk, his mouthiness, his outright disrespect of other people, I Just don't like the kid and I'd rather my son not hang around him without me being there.

I've refused to let him stay over our house, and I've told my son he can't stay there. Am I right about this? Usually I'm ok with DS making his own decisions about such things, but this kid is really not the kind of person I want my son to get ideas from. For whatever reason this kid is very charismatic and other kids just gravitate toward him, my own included. I've talked to DS about what it is that makes him like the boy, and he doesn't really have an answer. They've always been good friends.

Oh and I have talked to his mom and stepdad on several occasions. They are frustrated with him but don't know what to do. They bribe him a lot to be good, but once he gets what he wants, he starts all over again with his behavior.
post #2 of 7
based on the longevity of the relationship, if he was ok prior to these changes, I would perhaps invest in keeping these discussions open with your son, and perhaps continue to help the parents with redirecting methods of discipline away from bribes, perhaps come up with a special way for him to earn status at your school and give him some extra expectations. He may rise to the occasion. Find some ways to have 'cool' but supervised time together with your son??? It sounds like he may be suffering from lack of parental leadership and investment. If he is pushing all his leaders and they are giving up on him instead of firmly establishing boundaries, no wonder he's getting out of hand.

post #3 of 7
For my ds, we discovered the more we disliked a friend of his and directly made him aware of it or forbid him to hang out with that friend, the more he was drawn to said person. However, if we just discussed certain behaviors and how uncool they were ("playing girls" or discussing them disrespectfully is a very hot topic in our house - my ds gets pretty disgusted with a lot of his peers at their attitude towards women), the more he would bring up "so and so acts like that and I really don't like it". For us, we really have to trust our ds' ability to make good choices in his friends.

I'm not sure how to approach this as he is a child at your school. I would not feel comfortable with my ds hanging out with that child without my supervision either but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. I would just make sure that is how it worked out.
post #4 of 7
Thread Starter 
I don't think he gets a lot of parental supervision. I have talked with him several different times about how his behavior is not appropriate. But there is a certain amount of decorum that is expected at a martial arts school and I can't offer leeway on that. Ive caught him making out with his girlfriend in our cloak room and I have tried to tell them both that I understand that they have feelings for each other and they want to express their feelings but this is not the place. Really, he just doesn't care what anyone else thinks. But he really enjoys karate and he doesn't want expelled.

The thing that really was the breaking point was a certain situation that occurred at this boy's house about three months ago. There were four boys staying the night at his house, my son included. The next week I had the boys in my car driving to the karate school and this boy was talking about the sleepover. One of the other children had fallen asleep before the other three. This boy thought it was great fun that he had "teabagged" the boy. I didn't even know what that term meant until this year!

Is this typical behavior of a teenage boy? I know a certain amount of hazing occurs at sleepovers but...this seemed way out of line. I talked with DS earlier today about the boy and asked him what he thought. DS said he didn't care either way. He doesn't have much in common with the boy anymore. DS is still into video games and sports, the other boy is all about girls. I asked DS if he thinks I'm being unfair, and he said no. He has other friends who he likes better anyway.
post #5 of 7
Ummm.Teabagging in this instance is, in my opinion a form of sexual assault.
Not in the least bit normal hazing, particularly for 12-14 year olds. Would it be seen as normal hazing if a boy stuck his testicles into a sleeping girl's mouth?
I'd find out if these boys know what they are talking about, whether they were bullsh*tting and go from there.
If in fact this occurred, I'd go right to the parents.
If it didn't and the kids were shooting off their mouths, I'd have a serious talk about the gravity of spreading stories like that.
post #6 of 7
Teabagging is definitely NOT normal. I even checked with my DH if that was something older college aged boys might do and he said absolutely not. Definitely not okay and my older ds, the freshman jock football player at high school, said that would never be okay and he had never heard of such a thing happening. Unless it is possibly teabagging a soda or a foodstuff. Apparently that would be on the line but he could see that happening. According to ds, farting on personal belongings or food is quite common and he could see that being extended into teabagging a food or soda, although he thought that would be nasty and generally frowned upon.

I think some parts of society still accept hazing and I feel very lucky that in our area, it has been stamped out. Hazing is serious stuff around here and is not tolerated. But I don't think teabagging would be considered hazing.

Actual teabagging would definitely qualify as a form of sexual assault. It is about dominance and humiliation, in a sexual manner, not practical joking or hazing.
post #7 of 7

Good to read your son has moved on. I would expel the boy from karate if poor behavior continued.How sad about that boy at the sleep over.As a child you are so excited to be spending the night with * friends* only to get assualted by them. What a memory for him.

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