children talking to people about smoking - Page 2

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by oaktreemama

You know I do not like smoking either. However, my dislike of someone else's habit does not justify being rude and hurtful to people.

Saying they stink and are gross is just plain mean. I do not want my kid to be mean and I would never encourage him to say mean things under the guise of being honest or educational.

As long as people do not try to smoke in my house, what they do to their own bodies is their own business.

Originally Posted by limabean

Does your kid also go up to fat people and tell them they're unhealthy and at risk for heart disease, diabetes, and other health issues? If not, why not? It's just the truth, it's their own fault for being unhealthy to begin with, right?

I dislike smoking too, but I don't teach my kids that people who smoke aren't worthy of respect. Asking someone to move if they're smoking near a bounce house is fine, but why not just do it respectfully instead of with a shaming attitude?

Thanks

[EarthMamaToBe]

I think it is quite rude.

[mamatoablessing]

Originally Posted by leighi123

So if the adults get mad, too bad. Its their own fault for doing something unhealthy/unsafe to begin with, they know they are doing something gross and they should know that not everyone wants to smell their stink.
People shouldn't be smoking near my kid anyway, keep your dirty habit to yourself! (I do my best to keep ds away from smoke due to severe allergies we both have to it, but it really pisses me off when people smoke in kid places like the playground or bounce house area)

Some people think that sleeping in the same bed with your baby is unhealthy and unsafe. Would you appreciate being told that by a 5 yo? How about not vaxing your baby? What if a mainstream mama's child approached you and said that breastfeeding your 2 year old was gross and harmful. Is that ok? Allowing a child to display a know-it-all or holier-than-thou attitude to an adult or anyone else for that matter, is rude. What kind of message does this send to your child? It's ok too be diesrespectful and mean just because someone is doing something you disagree with?

[Alyantavid]

Originally Posted by Theoretica

I think it's grossly inappropriate for a child to 'parent' an adult about their legal choices, even if we disagree with them. And the idea that some people aren't 'educated' about smoking is ridiculous, there's little doubt that the vast majority of smokers know good and damn well how bad it is for them. It's incredibly addictive, and to presume that they are smoking out of ignorance belittles the power of the addictive products themselves. I'd rather we discuss how powerful addiction can be, that clearly intelligent people have such a hard time quitting this harmful behavior.

I also use these opportunities to discuss with my child the 'control what you can and usually that means controlling yourself" concept

That.

[earthmama369]

Thank you for all the opinions. For those saying, "I find it inappropriate for a child to speak to an adult about their habits," I tend to agree (although I came here willing to hear that I was off base) -- hence my main question asking how you would speak to your child about that desire to "lecture" or confront someone about smoking. So...what would you say to your child?

[Cutie Patootie]

Originally Posted by talk de jour

I think it's inappropriate for any child to lecture an adult on what he or she should or should not do.

Oh dear. I am going to be the naysayer. LOL
In the circumstance of smoking or any other thing that affects not just the person doing the deed...my children know full well that smoking is bad for the person smoking and just as bad or worse for them when they inhale the second hand smoke walking by. I don't think it is improper for them to voice that. I do think if the smoker is minding their own business and is not in the child's space, speaking up wouldn't be a good idea, but when we are forced to walk by people standing directly in our path outside of a store and forced to breath in their toxic yuck, then my children should be allowed to inform the adult that it's not healthy and they are not happy about it.

[Super~Single~Mama]

First off, I know that many older smokers did not know that it was bad when they started - however, the knowldege that it is terrible for your health has been out for quite some time - so overall, I beleive those smokers are greatly outnumbered by younger smokers who DID know how bad it was when they started.

As for how to talk to your child about how to talk to others? Just be direct, but age appropriate. It doesn't sound like the OP's daughter was rude, and the neighbor didn't take it badly. OP, I think you can just tell her that while some people make choices that aren't good for them (no point trying to explain all the intricacies of why people smoke now - she's only 5), its not anybody elses place to judge and so its best to leave it be. Tell her that she can always to you if she has questions about it. You can also teach her nice ways of asking smokers not to smoke near the front yard while she plays, and role play trying them out.

You can also teach her to come to you for help if someone isn't nice to her, and role play that as well. That way, she knows how to react to different peoples reactions - some people will be nice and will go somewhere else to smoke, and some people will get mad. I do believe there are nice ways of asking, and help her to see the differences.

[oaktreemama]

I think I would try to frame it as a rudeness issue.

When I was a little girl I met my father's new girlfriend and she was wearing a fur coat. I looked at her and said, "real people wear fake fur." My mother was HORRIFIED when she heard this.

I got a very in-depth lesson about needing to respect other people's choices even though we may not agree with them. I also got quite an earful about remembering to keep inside thoughts inside.

And part of that is understanding that people sometimes make bad choices for themselves but it is up to them to find their own path. We can not change people and we can not control people. The best we can do is love them for how they are, and hope that they will make a better choice down the road.

I wish MIL did not smoke. I do not like going to her house as we come home smelling of smoke. She can not babysit our son at her house because she smokes. I avoid her house as much as I can. I hope that the choices *I* make because of her smoking will help her think twice about continuing to smoke-but none of my choices involve lecturing her.

[mamatoablessing]

Originally Posted by Cutie Patootie

I do think if the smoker is minding their own business and is not in the child's space, speaking up wouldn't be a good idea, but when we are forced to walk by people standing directly in our path outside of a store and forced to breath in their toxic yuck, then my children should be allowed to inform the adult that it's not healthy and they are not happy about it.

But your child has no say in what that smoker is doing. Assuming the smoker is in a designated smoking area or in an area that does not prohibit smoking, it's a legal action. You don't have to be happy about it but until cigarettes are outlawed completely, we all just have to deal. Do you actually suggest/encourage your child tell an adult that smoking is not healthy?

[Kelly1101]

Smoking is unhealthy = Fact

Smoking is gross/disgusting = Opinion

I'm sure you would love it if you were nursing your child and someone felt the need to come up and lecture you about how gross they think breastfeeding is.



If someone is smoking in a non-designated area, you are perfectly within your rights to ask them to stop. If it isn't a non-designated area, but it's REALLY REALLY bothering you, you can always ask politely if they would mind not smoking. The majority would probably stop smoking if asked nicely (I would). But yeah, making comments or encouraging comments of "that's gross" is pretty rude.

In the OP, the daughter simply asked the smoker "why do you smoke when it's unhealthy?" I don't consider that a lecture, and as I said before, it wouldn't bother me a bit.

[Petie1104]

OK, so as a smoker, what your daughter did is not offensive. But if you are concerned with her starting to lecture people (we have a child that lectures us) then you can just explain that it isn't prolite to talk to an adult like that, especially when it's something that doesn't concern her.

As for the "disgusting/gross" comment another poster said. I tend to agree that this is going overboard. I think my smoking is disgusting and gross, I don't need a guilt trip from a child to remind of it. Asking politely for me to move farther away or put it out is fine and I would happily oblige, but to be rude is rude regardless of the reason. Rude behavior should be corrected.

[earthmama369]

I really like the phrasing about everyone "finding their own path." That resonates well with how we've approached other choices (eating meat or not, etc.). I don't know why I've been having such a hard time finding the right words to speak with her about this. She's always been a pretty logical, reasonable kid, but lately she's gotten really good at arguing to the nth degree and always has a comeback for anything we say. Obviously we put healthy boundaries on this, but it's hard when often she's accurate in her comments, even if her timing is inappropriate!

We've been clear about the fact that a whiff of smoke won't kill them dead, but I think dd is a little paranoid about smoke exposure because ds IS allergic to tobacco. (Nightshade allergy.) So if the neighbor is smoking in her driveway, ds legitimately can't play in his own front yard until she's done and the smoke has dispersed. However, she's not responsible for his allergy and she is on her own property. Sucks, but that's how it goes sometimes. DD was also old enough when MIL quit smoking to understand that MIL quit smoking because she couldn't visit with ds unless she did. The other measures we tried -- her washing up and changing clothes before holding him, always meeting at our house instead of hers -- just weren't working for him. I'm sure in dd's mind, that's translated to "smoking makes her little brother sick, so everyone should just quit." It has a visible effect on his health, and she can see that.

Upon reflection, I don't think she crossed a line with our neighbor this time, but I can see it potentially going that way in future conversations, and we're going to have a chat about people taking their own paths and how it's not our responsibility to boss them onto a path we choose for them.

[Petie1104]

Originally Posted by earthmama369

I really like the phrasing about everyone "finding their own path." That resonates well with how we've approached other choices (eating meat or not, etc.). I don't know why I've been having such a hard time finding the right words to speak with her about this. She's always been a pretty logical, reasonable kid, but lately she's gotten really good at arguing to the nth degree and always has a comeback for anything we say. Obviously we put healthy boundaries on this, but it's hard when often she's accurate in her comments, even if her timing is inappropriate!

We've been clear about the fact that a whiff of smoke won't kill them dead, but I think dd is a little paranoid about smoke exposure because ds IS allergic to tobacco. (Nightshade allergy.) So if the neighbor is smoking in her driveway, ds legitimately can't play in his own front yard until she's done and the smoke has dispersed. However, she's not responsible for his allergy and she is on her own property. Sucks, but that's how it goes sometimes. DD was also old enough when MIL quit smoking to understand that MIL quit smoking because she couldn't visit with ds unless she did. The other measures we tried -- her washing up and changing clothes before holding him, always meeting at our house instead of hers -- just weren't working for him. I'm sure in dd's mind, that's translated to "smoking makes her little brother sick, so everyone should just quit." It has a visible effect on his health, and she can see that.

Upon reflection, I don't think she crossed a line with our neighbor this time, but I can see it potentially going that way in future conversations, and we're going to have a chat about people taking their own paths and how it's not our responsibility to boss them onto a path we choose for them.

Don't underestimate your neighbor either. Have you talked to her and explained your ds's allergy. Maybe you two could compromise something that would be acceptable for both parties, maybe she could smoke on the side of her house that is away from yours, or perhaps in the backyard during times that he would normally want to be outside.

[Cutie Patootie]

Originally Posted by mamatoablessing

But your child has no say in what that smoker is doing. Assuming the smoker is in a designated smoking area or in an area that does not prohibit smoking, it's a legal action. You don't have to be happy about it but until cigarettes are outlawed completely, we all just have to deal. Do you actually suggest/encourage your child tell an adult that smoking is not healthy?

No not at all, but if they say something I would not correct them as I don't feel they don't need to be corrected. 5 employees standing directly outside of the grocery store door in a cloud of smoke that I and my child have to walk through on our way out is invading my rights as well. It is one thing to choose to be unhealthy and quite another to force it on others.

[Cutie Patootie]

Originally Posted by Kelly1101

If someone is smoking in a non-designated area, you are perfectly within your rights to ask them to stop. If it isn't a non-designated area, but it's REALLY REALLY bothering you, you can always ask politely if they would mind not smoking. The majority would probably stop smoking if asked nicely (I would). But yeah, making comments or encouraging comments of "that's gross" is pretty rude.

[lilyka]

It is not appropriate under any circumstance for my kids to tell anyone what they are doing is wrong, unhealthy, bad or whatever. It is even ruder when adults do it. I teach my kids if they do not want to be around cigarette smoke they may excuse themselves to go somewhere else. Unless someone is smoking in a designated non smoking area, then I would politely ask them to if they would step further away.

people do lots of things I do not like. smoking cigarettes (this actually no longer really bothers me in small doses), wearing some perfumes, not wearing deodorant, swearing, wearing inappropriate clothing, being drunk, carting around buckets of soda etc. none of it is really my business and if I don't like it we just avoid that person.