I have awful credit & my marriage may be over. - Page 2

[heatherdeg]

First: NOT EVERYTHING COMES OFF IN SEVEN YEARS!!! It SHOULD, but you may actually have to call and request it. I only know this because I was asked LAST WEEK to explain a $16 charge-off from 1999 (seriously??? $16???? from ELEVEN YEARS AGO!?!)

So I would order your "one free credit report/year" from Equifax, Experian and TransUnion. Each will have contact information for any negative accounts and you can call and deal with them if the debt is still outstanding or you can call the credit reporting agency and ask that they have it removed.

You can ALSO contest negative accounts. If I'm remembering right, unless they have your SSN on the account, they can't prove it's yours and have to remove it. But confirm that with the creditboards crew.

Originally Posted by Ianthe

Hey Mama.. I am in the same situation, actually!

You know he should pay you child support, even if you have joint custody. I recently started some divorce paperwork and since I am making $0, and he is making $X, he owes me child support, even with 50-50 joint custody. He can't nickle and dime you with that money- it goes to you.

Also, if all the credit is in his name, it can stay in his name.

You can qualify for WIC, food stamps, and probably section 8 housing. Alternatively, you can found a person to rent a place from, instead of an apartment complex. Usually people will not run a credit check on you.

I don't see why you can't let your stbx help you get back on your feet, esp if he is the one leaving you in this situation. He needs to make sure you are stable so you can care for your child.

ETA: I am pretty sure they can't arrest you for bad credit. And as long as you are a good mom, they can't take your child away from you! Having bad credit doesn't make you a bad mom!

to all of this.

I think you may have edited a post because I get the sense there is violence in the relationship--not just fighting? If that's the case, I agree--break free. But if it's just a relationship gone bad with a lot of fighting, I would just take what you can get from him (since he's obligated anyway) and live as much on your own as you can with his contributions as backup and then break completely free of him when possible.

It's hard to look at an overwhelming situation, but pp's are right: 548 is by no means the worst of the worst scores. It's probably gone up in the last few months just by you making payments on time. THAT. IS. HUGE.

Line up the debt you have to pay off, make the minimums on everything. If you have extra, send it to the smallest one and get rid of it--then use the money that was going there towards the next smallest one. It's called "snowballing". Dave Ramsey gets an awful lot of credit for that concept, but many of us were doing this long before Dave Ramsey was well known for it.

Take a deep breath. Take it in small steps. People have dug out of worse than this. Find out what you owe. Find out what help you can get--from everywhere. And then move on from there.

Hugs to you, mama.

[ihugtrees]

First of all, thank you again to everyone for all of your help. I will be taking all of your advice, and trying to wade through Creditboards...my brain is just not absorbing/understanding the words I'm reading which is probably partially due to being new to all of the terms and acronyms and partially due to my stress, anxiety, depression, & overall exhaustion right now!

Originally Posted by SleeplessMommy

Were things good in the marriage before the baby was born? do you think counselling could help fix the relationship?

We married very quickly...I found out I was pregnant just a few months into the relationship, & I was very broke & had no health insurance--he was in the military with decent pay & access to medical, so we got married. Things were good until after she was born. Since then, things have gotten worse and worse. I want to do individual and couples counseling, but he says that there is no point because counseling will not make him love me. He is fiercely in denial about how much his own depression & issues from his past effect him, & says he knows he needs to work on them but refuses to actually do anything about it. I have tried for over a year to gently push him towards counseling or even medication to help him, but he refuses, and he has no friends, no hobbies, awful relationship with his family...he finds no pleasure or fun in life...and he blames it all on ME. He is SO ANGRY and very passive aggressive about it. And it breaks my heart...for him, for me, for our daughter. I would not hesitate to stay with him if he'd actually set up a counseling appointment & go, & actually put some effort into or marriage...but he won't, and I can't hang on to this shred of hope that maybe someday he will Sorry to ramble, but I wanted to explain.

Originally Posted by heatherdeg

I think you may have edited a post because I get the sense there is violence in the relationship--not just fighting? If that's the case, I agree--break free. But if it's just a relationship gone bad with a lot of fighting, I would just take what you can get from him (since he's obligated anyway) and live as much on your own as you can with his contributions as backup and then break completely free of him when possible.

Hugs to you, mama.

There is no physical violence. He batters me with his words or hurtful actions but has never laid a hand on me or the baby.

Thank you, everyone, for the concern & care. I am feeling so alone right now and it is really nice to know strangers care enough to give me advice.

[Thystle]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[TheSavedQuarter]

I want to second other mamas' advice. A few years ago, I helped a friend leave a very ugly marriage and she and her little boy are so much healthier and happier out of the situation. (She'd written a "if I go missing" letter for her mom and I to hold onto in case she disappeared, fearing her husband! It was awful!)

You know what's going to be best for you so you need a specific action plan.

1. Get into a safe housing situation. Contacting a DV advice line is a good idea; in our area, they have "transitional housing" and help you get on your feet again. Until you're out, pack an emergency bag of clothes, diapers, important documents, whatever you absolutely must have if you had to flee immediately.

2. Get your credit report from all three bureaus. You can get it for free once a year from annualcreditreport.com (government run) or anytime from creditkarma.com (free, legit website but not government run.) Anything you don't recognize, dispute! They have 30 days to prove that you owe the debt or remove it from your report. Doing that earlier this year for a few things I didn't recognize got them removed and my score shot up. If you get calls, tell them that all communication must be in writing. Just keep repeating that you will not do business on the phone and all communication must be in writing.

3. Find out what child support and alimony you'll be due. Look into services in your area. You'll likely qualify for WIC, food stamps, energy assistance, education, and possibly housing assistance (although it may be closed due to funding - our area isn't accepting new applications.) What state do you live in, if you don't mind my asking? I know a lot of local resources for the SF Bay Area, including vocational training assistance for single moms. You can PM me if you want my list.

4. Once you know what services and income you'll be getting, make up a budget and figure out how much money you have for debt repayment each month. You might check out Mary Hunt's Debt Proof Living from the library for a good idea on budgeting and debt repayment. I like her better than Dave Ramsay, but he's another good option. Both suggest the "debt snowball". Say you have $200 for debt repayment and 10 debts to pay. You would contact your creditors and offer them $10 a month, the amount you can afford each month, which will go up as soon as the smallest debt is repaid and you push that $10 up to the next debt. They may not like the amount but they'll most likely take it because they'd rather be paid than have you go bankrupt and never get their money.

5. Get a secured credit card, and use it once a month and pay it off immediately to start repairing your credit. This can only be done if you have a job/income that can be documented unless you have a co-signer.

Throughout all of this, DOCUMENT every fight, everything that he's done to hurt you, as it happens. This can be a godsend in court. And get yourself into counseling.

Good luck. You're doing the right thing for you and your daughter by leaving an abusive relationship, even if the abuse doesn't leave physical scars. Those emotional ones take longer to heal.

[LZP]

I skimmed the responses and didnt see this, sorry if it's already been suggested by a PP.

What about getting a job at one of the local colleges or universities? There are SO many in the Seattle area! Though you say you have no skills, you for sure are qualified to work in the cafeteria, be a clerk for a professor (filing usually, not secretarial type stuff) or even do housekeeping. They might pay as much as $10/hour, or more, and many come with reduced or even FREE tuition! There is your path to getting some marketable skills, even if you take just a few classes in early childhood education, or business classes, or anything to give you something to put on your resume other than babysitting.

Look at every single one in the area. Most colleges have childcare available, and for sure there are childcare places in the area that might take your low income and single mama into account when determining fees. Or you could possibly work your schedule to be when your DH has DC, or have a trusted friend or family member watch DC while you are at work before DH gets home?

I'm sorry you made a few decisions that are still haunting you, but I agree with PPs: it's fixable! Get your finances in order, open an account to which you pay ON TIME every single month, and let your husband help if he is willing until you're feeling stable.

Good Luck!! s

[La Sombra]

I have had really bad credit and brought it up to a figure in the high-700s so it is possible. (I have since wrecked it again, but that's another story!) I would suggest three things:

1. Figure out what you want to do, education-wise. I think deciding that first will help you have a timeline for when you might want to start working on the debt, how much more debt you have to incur, and how much you'll be making once you finish your schooling. Start there. Look into programs you are interested. As someone else suggested, fill out a FAFSA! If you are divorced, you will qualify for more, and you can possibly even live off your school funds (not particularly comfortably--but I have been doing it myself for years).

2. Get a copy of your credit report. Visit a free financial counselor at Greenpath: http://www.greenpath.com/ Consider consolidating your debt, paying minimum amounts or even the possibility of not paying any of your debt off until you graduate and are really able to do any of that.

3. Good credit comes, from my understanding, from having a low debt-to-credit ratio--so if you can qualify for any credit cards (look into those credit cards that they have for people just like you--I forget what they're called, but basically you pay $200 for the card, or whatever the amount is, and that is your credit line.) and PAY THEM OFF EVERY MONTH. Verifiable income is obviously going to help you, not with your credit report (which doesn't consider your income, as I understand) but with getting an apartment or car loan or credit card or whatever else you need.

And have in mind, as other's have said, that instead of relying on the promises of your husband to continue to provide for you (promises that I would not count on at all, should you move forward with the divorce!), know that you are ENTITLED TO CHILD SUPPORT. So you don't HAVE to put up with him nickel and dime-ing you--he HAS to pay you!!

So many hugs but I just wanted to tell you that I really think you can work through this--and I mean everything: the divorce, the bad credit, the lack of money...there are solutions to all these things that you can start working on now. I wish you luck and happiness!

[SleeplessMommy]

Do you feel he is (or may be int he future) at risk of hurting you or the baby? His anger is increasing, right? Has he broken things? Made threats?

[ihugtrees]

SleeplessMommy No, I really don't. He is angrier and angrier, but I don't believe he'd hurt me or the baby. He is much more calm & level headed when angry than I am! He is just cruel with his words & actions (IE this week I was sick, he refused to help & I had to cook & care for the baby even though I felt like I was going to pass out...or in the past, if I would try to hug him, he'd pull away...so he is mean, but not physically abusive.)

[SleeplessMommy]

ihugtrees - i think you should start with your local DV resources and a safety plan. Escalating violence is a huge risk at the end of a relationship. Will you feel comfortable with him having unsupervised visitation?

[SleeplessMommy]

sorry dbl post!

[MissLotus]

OP, you can schedule a consultation with a family law attorney in your area, to learn what is common regarding child support and maintenance (alimony) in your area.  For instance, child support in my area is 17% of his income for one child, plus he must pay for our child's health insurance.  If you are divorced, he cannot "nickel and dime" you; he'll be required to give you a determined amount of money each month.  As well, your assets will be divided and you will get something, and it won't all be up to him.  That is if you make your separation/divorce legal.  The law can't help you otherwise.  So I would worry more about getting out of an unhealthy situation, get what you're legally entitled to, and then build up your credit.

[kbond]

OP: Check out the following links for finding low cost to free legal help for your issues. As others have stated, you will be entitled to child support, and since WA is community property, you'll be entitled to part of the marital estate as well. There are programs in King County for family law help. You can also do the process yourself--the King County court sees a lot of pro se parties. But, I'd really recommend having someone to help guide you through.

Additionally, you mentioned your spouse is military; you'll want to highlight that fact during your intake interviews and try to make sure to get someone who has experience in that area as it does throw a few wrinkles into the mix.

Finally, legally, you must wait 90 days after filing for divorce before the divorce can be finalized. Realistically, if your case goes to trial, this will be a 12-18 month process given the backlog of cases in King County.

Another option if you don't qualify through one of the programs below is to contact an attorney and ask for unbundled services. You'll do the bulk of the work, and they'll review the documents for you for a fixed fee. Generally, this fee will be due at the time of the service.

http://www.kcba.org/legalhelp/family/clients.aspx

http://www.kcba.org/legalhelp/NLC/clients.aspx

http://www.kingcounty.gov/courts/SuperiorCourt/links.aspx

Oh, and Child Support is done almost entirely by statute/worksheet in Washington. DSHS has a great calculator that you can use at:

https://fortress.wa.gov/dshs/csips/ssgen