How to gently separate...

[Rnejic]

From a 1 year old that does not want to separate ? Is there a way? I have practiced attachment parenting with the baby and he is VERY attached to me but it is making certain things in life really difficult.

I'd really like to be able to go to church again, we really haven't been able to go in the last year because the baby doesn't do good in the sanctuary and he wont separate to go to the nursery. We've been making a real effort lately to make it there but we always end up leaving after a short time because of him.

Also going to the YMCA is almost impossible. I have 2, 3 year olds as well and they like taking classes at the Y (and I like breaking up our morning by getting out of the house to go there). Well the baby wont go to the childcare room to play so I have to try and entertain him in the hallway for an hour. It's like torture. I don't want to take these classes away from my older kids but I also don't want to traumatize the baby and force him to separate from me before he is ready. I don't know what to do. I was thinking that if I just keep trying 5 minutes at a time eventually he will get used to it but it makes me feel so horrible to leave him screaming for me, even if it is just for 5 minutes. I know if he could just get used to it he would love it. He loves playing with toys and other kids. I have tried twice at church and a few times at the Y over the past few months. He always ends up screaming the whole time I'm gone and then cries for awhile after I am with him and a few times I think it even effected him overnight because he started getting up a lot more then normal It all just makes me feel so horrible and I don't know what to do.

[sapphire_chan]

I tried around 15 months and 18 months with the Y childcare and it was a total fail--WITH the care person sitting and holding her the whole 7 minutes until they came and got me. Ditto leaving dd with daddy, although with that at least she only cried for like 5 minutes and then was "fine" as long as dh kept rocking her and telling her I'd be back soon (and as long as she didn't see ANY pictures of me)

So, jump to 24.5 months, and she ASKED to go into the childwatch at Fred Meyer's and didn't want to leave when I came back.

What I did was cancel my Y membership to wait for her to get older. Not an option for you, but what you could do is treat your time at the Y as a chance to really focus on her without having to keep part of yourself alert for your older two. Bring a big bag of things to explore. Let her examine everything except the locker rooms you can't enter.

And get some exercise too, do toddler press ups, do squats, treat her like a medicine ball and spin her all around.

If you do have another adult available, one of the first ways dh was able to take dd out and about was by taking her out. Pushing her in the stroller while doing his run worked best, but going to a store was good too. (DD had to be rested, fed, pottied, and generally agreeable.) But basically, if she left me at home, she was more okay with me not being right with her because she knew I was "at home".
Travel time would make that hard, but possibly someone could take your dd out, travel around a bit, then bring her to the Y after 20-30 minutes so you don't have to spend the whole time entertaining her.

[Marissamom]

DD will only let me leave her with someone she knows and is totally comfortable with (my parents and sisters). She's 17 months and still has some stranger anxiety. I figure that she'll reach a point where she's ready to be left with other people, but for me it hasn't been worth the hassle of pushing it.

[texmati]

I guess the suggestions below could be used for church-- I think leaving a 1yo in a strange environment like the Y could be hit or miss.

It's different-- I've been leaving DS since he was 4 mos old (he's 13 mos now). That being said, I do consider us AP. I've never had a big issue, so this system works for me.

I try very hard to spend a few days/hours with the 3 of us (care giver, me and ds) before hand. I encourage and engage both in play. I'll frequently leave the room by the last few days, finally spending the majority of the time out of site/earshot.

When it comes time for me to leave, I say 'bye' brightly and start walking. If he cries I sit down and nurse/play for a bit, and try to facilitate cg and ds in play.

when i say facilitate I mean I'll read a book to ds, but she'll be holding him. Or she'll be on the floor playing with him, and i'll be on the couch. After a few minutes, I'll leave again.

one difficult thing for me is not coming back in the house after saying bye. I constantly leave my keys etc. I also don't agree with the let him cry approach-- I make sure that I have 10-15 minutes built in to do this transition; and sometimes I'm late.

I also think it's always good practice to take 5 minutes to chat with the sitter before and after leaving him.

[elisheva]

Can you and your DH alternate weeks at church? One week he stays with babe in the nursery and the next week you do? At least that way you are each getting a little more than you are now. I almost always stay with my kids in the nursery but our services are structured differently (Jewish) so I can pop in and out for different portions of the service if I want.

[mambera]

Originally Posted by texmati

It's different-- I've been leaving DS since he was 4 mos old (he's 13 mos now). That being said, I do consider us AP. I've never had a big issue, so this system works for me.

I had to go back to work at 8 weeks, and nevertheless DD developed severe stranger anxiety at 4-5 months and to this day (she's 17 mo) there is no way I could leave her with a stranger. She would FLIP OUT. We had a nanny from 7-13 months and it took DD 3 solid months to warm up to her. I think this is mostly to do with the inborn personality of the child.

Anyways, I second the advice about having the caregiver take your DS outside. What works best for us is if everyone goes outside together and we let DD get interested in the surroundings, then I casually wave 'bye!' and walk away.

[la mamita]

I think it is a lot to expect a 1 year old to stay with a stranger in a strange environment, especially at a situation like YMCA or church where the caregivers rotate and the caregivers don't have a lot of patience for dealing with excessive crying. At my YMCA, if your kid flips out and doesn't stop crying within a few minutes, they will page you and make you come back and take care of your child. It's not like daycare where they have the time and numbers to help each individual child adjust--it's just an hour or two, so 20 minutes spent crying is huge.

If the caregiver is the same person every time, then you can do similar to adjusting to day care: attend with your DC regularly for a few weeks, as they gain trust in the new caregiver, then leave for short periods of time and make goodbyes quick. My son started daycare at 1.5 and even doing this, goodbyes were tough for a few weeks, but he got used to it and now adores his caregivers. The difference is that his caregivers were willing to comfort him as much as he needed at goodbyes.

[just_lily]

I would try to spend more time with your baby in the places you want to leave him. Are parents allowed to hang out in the nursery at church? At mine they are, but I know some don't allow it for security reasons. Or even start volunteering in there.

My other suggestion is food. Goldfish crackers always seem to work miracles.

[Rlin]

The only person we leave our DS (28 months) with is our nanny. He has known her from birth and adores her. DH and I just (like two weeks ago) started going out again, and our nanny put DS in bed for the night. And it went ok. It wouldn't have worked before, because DS wasn't ready. He told me after the first time that he felt really sad that mommy wasn't there at bed time, but he didn't have to cry. The second time he called our nanny and asked her if she could bring him to bed and the second he asked it, he broke down in tears and said that he didn't want mommy and daddy to leave. It went fine, but he was superclingy the day after. Long story short...at one, no way that it would have worked. Now at two years old, only with his nanny and no one else. My suggestion is to give it a bit more time, that is what we do.

[crunchy_mommy]

Didn't get to read all the responses yet but, I have a 21-mo who hasn't been left anywhere, he'd never tolerate it, but we try not to let it interfere too much with doing other things. We take him to church & we sit in the very very back. DH or I walk around with him when he gets really noisy & fussy, & take him outside if necessary, but we always come back. We've done this since he was 5 days old & although he's by far the noisiest kid there, he's really learning now how he's 'expected' to behave. Also, our church doesn't have a nursery, but there is a kid's program that the older kids go to during part of the service. DH takes him now & he stays with him the whole time & it's worked out great so far.

As far as the Y, I volunteered there once & it seemed like they allowed parents to stay with their kids? I'd ask if they would allow that, and you could play with him in the childcare area, and not only would you not be sitting in the hallway trying to entertain him, but he'd be getting used to the environment & the childcare workers. Then maybe you could do short trials (run to the bathroom & leave him there, for ex.) and he can slowly acclimate.

It's so tough having a mommy-centric child, it really is, but I would try to find ways to make it work without forcing him to separate from you. I would also see if you can work on getting him attached to a friend or family member so that you will be able to have SOMEONE to leave him with if you really want/need to do things without him. Believe it or not, I never even left DS with DH 'til he was over a year old, that's how attached he was/is to me lol... but just being able to leave him with DH now is awesome, and I'm working on helping him trust a few of our close friends.

[MrsBone]

Is your DC still nursing? I found that once I weaned my son he was much more agreeable going to other caregivers. I did still leave him with other caregivers before, but it was more of a struggle than it is now. My son is 22 months and just weaned a week ago. He's much more into daddy, other relatives and caregivers now than he was before. I'm not telling you to wean your DC, but that may be the reason. I did still leave my son in the nursery at church, childcare at the Y, and family members when I was working, but he would only cry for a minute or two and once I was gone, he was fine, so it didn't bother me. Oh, and I definitely still consider myself an AP parent.