Expected response or start of PPD?

[SashaBreeze]

I am having a hard time figuring out if the way I have been feeling is an expected response to an emotional situation or if it could be the start of PPD.

Our twins were born on the 13th of October. They were preemie and I only got to hold them for a moment before they were taken of to the NICU. They are still in the NICU. I miss them like crazy, think about them almost constantly, and cry at the drop of a hat (usually I NEVER cry).

It seems to be getting worse. At least at the beginning I was with the boys but after 2 weeks I had to go home because we no longer had anyone to watch our older children, we live 2+ hours from the hospital the twins are in. When we first came home I tried to get as much into our old routine as possible but to be honest I have ZERO desire to clean or cook or anything. All I want is to be at the hospital with my babies.

As more decisions are taken from me the more it seems like people (dr's, nurses, etc.) are telling me that I can not parent my babies... that my opinion doesn't matter and that no matter what I say they will do what they want and that not only will my view on things not be valued but that they are silly and to be dismissed off hand... I cant help but feel like if I was somehow capable of being there ever moment then I... I dont know... I just want them home.

I am still at the point of totally functioning. Somehow, someway I still get up every morning, I still cook, clean, do the laundry... I still hang out with my littles and laugh at stories... but all I want to do is crawl up in my bed have a good cry and not come out until my babies are ready to come home.

So PPD or should I not be worried?

[lyterae]

I have not had a child in NICU, so I know that I don't entirely understand what you are currently experiencing. I did end up with an unwanted c-section and then was diagnosed with IGT after unsuccessfully trying to nurse my daughter. I think that right now it sounds like you are having a normal response to a very stressful situation.

When I had to call my husband home because I'd locked myself in the bathroom (after placing my crying daughter safely in her crib) I knew it was time to call the doctor to get some help.

[MeepyCat]

Y'know, it could be both.

Also, at a certain level, it doesn't matter whether it's PPD or not. It's a terribly difficult situation, in which you need help. You need a sounding board, you need some help sorting your thoughts about how to deal with the hospital, you need to figure out how to parent all your children as effectively as you can right now, and when the babies come home at last.

PPD is not uncommon in the first place, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if it was *more* common for moms with babies in the NICU. The things you describe - feeling like you're being disregarded as a parent, wanting to be with the babies more, feeling torn between the children at home and the children in the hospital - are all very common for parents of hospitalized babies. They were certainly things that I struggled with when my DD was in the NICU.

You ask if you should be worried. You already are worried. You're worried about your babies, and your parenting, and your emotional responses. Don't try to not worry about these things - they're big things! They deserve some attention! You deserve some assistance if you want it! IT doesn't matter whether or not it's PPD, what matters is whether or not you need help.

[lyterae]

Originally Posted by MeepyCat

Y'know, it could be both.

Also, at a certain level, it doesn't matter whether it's PPD or not. It's a terribly difficult situation, in which you need help. You need a sounding board, you need some help sorting your thoughts about how to deal with the hospital, you need to figure out how to parent all your children as effectively as you can right now, and when the babies come home at last.

PPD is not uncommon in the first place, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if it was *more* common for moms with babies in the NICU. The things you describe - feeling like you're being disregarded as a parent, wanting to be with the babies more, feeling torn between the children at home and the children in the hospital - are all very common for parents of hospitalized babies. They were certainly things that I struggled with when my DD was in the NICU.

You ask if you should be worried. You already are worried. You're worried about your babies, and your parenting, and your emotional responses. Don't try to not worry about these things - they're big things! They deserve some attention! You deserve some assistance if you want it! IT doesn't matter whether or not it's PPD, what matters is whether or not you need help.

This! Meepy you put it wonderfully.

[SashaBreeze]

Thank you Meepy. Trouble is I dont know if I need help just yet or if what sort I need if I do... did that make sense???

I am just sooo afraid that if I break down from all of this I will not be able to get back up so I keep trying to draw myself back in as quickly as possible any time I find myself reacting strongly to a situation or trying to pawn off chores to someone else. I am terrified that if I give in too greatly that I wont get myself back under control.

I have some pretty major control issues... does that show?

It seems this entire pregnancy and birth has been a class in how to let go and be ok with it. We had planned on waiting 3-5 years before trying for another child when we discovered I was pregnant with the boys, then we found out we were having twins, then I was moved from my midwife to a high risk practice because of twin to twin transfusion syndrome, then I was put on bedrest, then I went into labor despite everything we were all doing to stop labor, and then the boys were put in the NICU... it has been a long road FULL of situations I have had ZERO control over, or at least it has felt that way.

I think ultimately I just need an ear to listen and a voice to tell me that it will be ok. My dh is wonderful but he has had to deal with all of this as well and I just dont think there is a lot more left for him to give.

Tonight he was talking about how he is coming down with a sore throat so he thinks he will pass on seeing the boys tomorrow and just drop me off. I couldn't help but burst out crying which super confused him until I finally explained to him that if I am the only one that visits the boys then it makes it feel like they dont exist... that I NEED other people to see them and talk about them... sorry, I am a mess just remembering the conversation.

Time to calm down and try to get some sleep. Thank you for listening.

[3xMama]

s I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

I think Meepy's got the best handle on it. It doesn't matter if its PPD or not, it matters whether you need help.

I understand what you mean about not being afraid you won't be able to get it back together if you give in. Its scary to look at that dark hole and not be dragged into it, but then again, not ignore your feelings so wholly that you walk straight into it without realizing until its too late. This is why it seems to me that you need some outside support. Someone to walk that line with you to help you keep some control over what's going on and give you some objective perspective. Whether this comes from a therapist or a cool headed friend, I think that's up to you and what you need.

I hope your babies come home soon!

[MeepyCat]

I often think that, in order to connect usefully with a therapist, you really have to feel right with yourself about seeking them out, so while I think a therapist could help you immensely, I also think that you will figure out what works for you.

My opinion on pawning your chores off on other people is much clearer: Do it, mama! Not your DH, because he's probably carrying enough, but anyone else. Sign up your older kids for an extra chore or two, get the groceries delivered, buy everyone some extra socks and undies (on the internet) to extend the laundry cycle by a few days, ask someone to come watch the kids so you can nap or spend an extra day at the hospital, sign up at church to have someone make you lasagna and serve it every night until your teenager begs to be allowed to cook dinner. (And if your DH can't come to the hospital this weekend - he really shouldn't if he's sick - would the visitor policy allow you to bring in a grandparent or a good friend?)

Most of the conditions that cause babies to be born early aren't all that easy for mothers to recover from, and trauma and anxiety (the sort you might experience having two children in the hospital) don't help. You can get back up to full speed again later, I promise.

[2Peaches]

Is there a MOMS club in your area? A church or other building of faith? Even if you are not a regular member, if you (or a friend) contacts one of these groups, they will more than likely be happy to help with dinners, groceries, whatever you need. People really do want to help.
As far as PPD, I have learned that it doesn't occur in a vacuum; triggers can set it off like birth trauma, babies in the NICU and living far from them, having older children at home to care for and being fatigued....gosh it sounds like you have a plateful, Mama. I hope your babies come home soon. And when they do, remember you will still be a very busy Mama and it is okay to need help still. Sending you hugs!

[TulsiLeaf]

A question, because I am unaware, did you have a c section?

I had a section and a NICU baby. Granted M wasn't in there long ( a week) but the feelings you have are the same that I do. She was my first baby and I felt like I missed SO much of the first baby stuff. My biggest tear jerker was when they wheeled me out of the hospital, I didn't get the balloons, flowers and baby all in my arms going out.


The only thing I can say, because I ended up with severe post partum, is to allow yourself to feel these feelings. Because they are normal. The feeling like someone else is making all your parenting decisions right now, because well they are, is heart breaking. I so badly wanted to hold her right after birth, to nurse her and I couldn't. I couldn't even see her. I so badly wanted to see her covered in vernix and all bloody and gooey and they basically hosed her down before I saw her. I was told to get over a lot of things and I think that made it worse.

You have been through something emotionally shocking. Not only did you have a baby, you had twins, and then the birth was probably not how you wanted it to go, and now you can't take them home and then on top of things you can't see them all that much and the things you wanted to do aren't happening. No wonder you are left feeling like that. Crying is normal, so cry if you feel like it. Your hormones are crazy anyways from being post birth, but this on top. So cry, mama. Remember to eat, to drink water and to rest. Love on your other babies, but don't worry about functioning. Just feed, love and care for the older kids and do what YOU need to do to get through the day.
Hang in there.

I hope those babies come home soon.

[SashaBreeze]

Originally Posted by TulsiLeaf

A question, because I am unaware, did you have a c section?

I ended up not having a c-section. But I was on bed rest for around 2 months before they were born and in the hospital for several days trying to stop labor before their birth.

I feel better today, thank you all again.

I had a little bit of a break down last night. The hospital called at around 1 am to tell me they suspected one of my twins might have Necrotizing EnteroColitis and I just lost it. Thank God today they have ruled it out and we no longer have that concern, although we are still trying to figure out what caused the bleeding...

So I had a full blown sob fest, the first one I have had since this all began, and then I stayed in bed sleeping until 6pm today. I feel so much better now. I am super surprised by that.

Maybe I NEEDED a good cry? I honestly had no idea how tired I was until I woke up this afternoon and realized just how much better my body felt and how much clearer I could think.

Thank you all again so much... I know it sounds silly but it is almost like I felt like I needed permission to just break and that it would still be ok, not only ok but "normal" and what I needed.

[MeepyCat]

Oh Mama! I'm so glad they've ruled out NEC - how terrifying that they ever had reason to think it!

I'm also glad you feel better after a good cry and a long sleep. I hope that they get to the bottom of the bleeding issue (and soon, and that it turns out to be trivial), and that the whole situation turns a corner and improves vastly, very soon.

[SashaBreeze]

Thanks Meepy.

I am still doing well, just tired, the boys are doing great as well.

I am so grateful to everyone that responded. Like I said it was almost like I needed permission or something to break down, and once I finally accepted that it was ok and "normal" I was able to heal and move on. Now why I felt I needed "permission" is something I will have to examine for a good long while...

Thanks again everyone.