ONLY mama can change dd's diaper... thoughts?

[NanoMama]

My dd, 27 months old, has for the last 6 weeks or so allowed ONLY me to change her poopie diaper (she does let papa do a wet diaper change). I don't mind changing her diaper of course and I am a SAHM so generally this is not a problem, but, on the few occasions when I need to go out for 2-3 hours, I worry that she will have a bm and it will sit for way too long against her skin as she screams for mama to change her diaper. This did happen during a recent trip to my parent's home, they finally called me after 2 hours (I wished they would have called sooner...) and when I arrived she was in hysterics and her bum was quite red.

To add to my worry, I am 30 weeks pregnant and trying to figure out how my dd will be cared for while I am in hospital. She loves my in-laws and would most likely be quite fine with them watching her EXCEPT for the poopie diaper part. I am hoping to only be in hospital for the briefest of stays (4 hours - my fingers are crossed!), but when can never know for sure and with my dd there were some complications that kept me in hospital for closer to 48 hours. Soooo, I would really like to have her allowing others to change her bum before delivery day arrives.

Any thoughts/suggestions???
Thanks

[mikanmom]

just wonedring if maybe someone else who changed her diaper made a negative comment about her poop being stinky, or made a face....maybe she felt bad about that and is now sensitive or embarrassed....?

maybe you could check in w/ other caregivers to make sure they haven't said anything....or just encourage everyone to let her know everybody poops and it's ok....

there are some good books like....."Everybody Poops" this is the only one that comes to mind but I'm sure there must be more..

my dd is 26th months old and now alot more aware that her poop is stinky....though she does have a 4 y/o brother that let's her know..

I hope she things work out cause I bet bending over to change diapers must be uncomfortable right now and any time someone else can help is nice,

[urchin_grey]

Well you have 10 weeks until the baby is due... Could you start working on PL'ing? Or is that not a possibility?

[NanoMama]

Thanks. Yes, I know my MIL has joked with her about her diaper being stinky but at the time it made dd laugh quite a bit. Perhaps she thought about it more later and it bothered her?.
I'll have to bring this up with her and with my dh (though I don't think he's commented about that with her).
Potty Learning would be the best case scenario and we are trying our best... it was going super well over the summer months, with about 80% of poops happening on the potty but right about the end of summer (coincidentally when we stopped breast feeding...) she stopped using the potty and now will tell us that she has to go but emphatically states that she wants to do it in her diaper .

[Super~Single~Mama]

Have you tried holding her hand, and comforting her while your dh changes her dipe? She may get upset, but maybe if she realizes other people can do it, and are gentle like you, she'll get over it faster?

I really don't know. My ds would rather his poopy dipe stay poopy, and doesn't like ANYONE changing him.

[Tjej]

Would it work in an extreme situation (like when your ILs had her and she was crying for you to change her) to just have them shower her? Take off the diaper and try to get as much as they can with it and do it in the shower and wash? If she doesn't mind being bathed by others that might work.

Tjej

ETA: I should mention too, that I think this is one of those things she may need to just work through - I don't know if you coming and changing her after she screams for 2 hours is actually a good thing. Sometimes we don't get what we want and it is important to learn that with people who love us.

[GoBecGo]

Honestly, this seems a pretty sane preference to me - if i were incontinent/incapable i wouldn't want just anybody changing me either.

DD1 went through a period of this just before she PL'd (a month before she turned 3 was when she gave up the dipes). It coincided with a period of constipation, an anal fissure and some not-very-gentle remarks from other family members about dirtiness and babyness and so on. It resolved on it's own - i changed her whenever i could, if i wasn't going to be there for a few hours i would warn her of that fact and ask her what she thought she should do if she needed a BM when i was away and, of her own volition, she usually decided that if mama was gone she would BM in the potty.

Tjej i don't get what you mean about the screaming - do you think a 27month old could predict during those 2 hours that if she kept screaming she'd "get what she wanted"? I find it a stretch, at 27months my DD1 was unable to focus for more than 5-7minutes and if she was upset for that long would certainly have moved beyond "i want MAMA to change me" and into plain old "i need mama NOW". It's ok to need your mama when you're only 2. Developing with her what should happen when Mama is away is a way to handle it, as is working towards her having another individual change her or use the potty herself during those times.

It's not impossible that this is closely related to giving up nursing, this is another personal thing that she can ask only mama to do, OP why did weaning occur? (DD finished it/milk ran out/your preference?) I'm not seeking to judge, but it might help us see why she's acting this way, for example if she stopped nursing after you'd been away overnight or longer she might well fear you going away and so has found a need she MUST have met by you. The imminent baby must be playing on her mind too. Transition is just hard for everyone.

[Super~Single~Mama]

GoBecGo has a great point about it coinciding with the weaning. Maybe you can have some other Just mama and DD moments? A special book for just mama to read?

Also, just a suggestion, but does she have a photo album of pictures of you and her together? Sassy makes some great kids albums, and my ds LOVES to look at those pics - maybe that can help comfort her when you're away? It would be good for when you're in the hospital for the new babe too - especially if the stay is longer than you want.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_no...+album&x=0&y=0

the link has a few - the first 2 are the ones we have, one for pics with dad and one for pics with mom (since we're separated, we make sure he has pics of the other parent at each house).

[NanoMama]

Thanks for the replies! Some thoughts for sure.

GoBecGo - weaning was done mostly on my end. We had night-weaned for about 2 months before her 2nd b-day and then was down to nursing to bed and nursing to nap by her 2nd b-day. I had always thought I would just tandem nurse but as this pregnancy progressed, my nipples were extremely sensitive and nursing became a really negative time for me - so very unlike the nursing relationship that dd and I shared previously. I decided to gradually pull back and I thought in the end it went fairly well and we basically stopped when she was 25 months.

I have really never left her side save for a few 2-3 hour outings here and there and she has never experienced anyone else putting her to sleep. dh tries to help with this but she insists on mama and I am there, so... I don't think she has any abandonment fears as she has never experienced abandonment and does enjoy time with dh or the MIL if I am not there for a little bit.

I'll have to check out and think more about the photo album for use during the hospital stay. I wonder though if it would be more distressing to have photos of me when I am not there... kind of like a reminder of what she is wanting but not able to have???

Thanks again for all comments

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by NanoMama

I'll have to check out and think more about the photo album for use during the hospital stay. I wonder though if it would be more distressing to have photos of me when I am not there... kind of like a reminder of what she is wanting but not able to have???

Thanks again for all comments

I wondered about that too, as far as it making it worse, but it really seems to be a great tool for us. My son however, has been separated from me quite a bit, since his dad and I are separated and he does spend every other weekend with his dad. He's also done a few week long stints with his dad (one was a vacation week in the summer, the other due to me being out of the country with my law school).

If you get it ahead of time, and get her used to seeing it (you can also put pics of her with everyone else in the family too), I can't see it making things worse. Then again, she may be fine while you're in the hospital for the new babe. Only time will tell.

[Tjej]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

Honestly, this seems a pretty sane preference to me - if i were incontinent/incapable i wouldn't want just anybody changing me either.
These people aren't "just anyone" - they are family she knows and loves. It isn't the same.
DD1 went through a period of this just before she PL'd (a month before she turned 3 was when she gave up the dipes). It coincided with a period of constipation, an anal fissure and some not-very-gentle remarks from other family members about dirtiness and babyness and so on. It resolved on it's own - i changed her whenever i could, if i wasn't going to be there for a few hours i would warn her of that fact and ask her what she thought she should do if she needed a BM when i was away and, of her own volition, she usually decided that if mama was gone she would BM in the potty.That's a good thing to try.

Tjej i don't get what you mean about the screaming - do you think a 27month old could predict during those 2 hours that if she kept screaming she'd "get what she wanted"? I think that a child shouldn't be taught to scream for 2 hours to get what they want. Sometimes we can't have what we want. Sometimes we settle for loving care that isn't exactly what we want. What will this little girl do when she has a sibling in a few weeks?I find it a stretch, at 27months my DD1 was unable to focus for more than 5-7minutes and if she was upset for that long would certainly have moved beyond "i want MAMA to change me" and into plain old "i need mama NOW".Yes, it would. BUT, Mama couldn't be there, so her loving grandparents can do everything in their power to love on her and care for her as best they can while she is with them. It's ok to need your mama when you're only 2. Developing with her what should happen when Mama is away is a way to handle it, as is working towards her having another individual change her or use the potty herself during those times.

It's not impossible that this is closely related to giving up nursing, this is another personal thing that she can ask only mama to do, OP why did weaning occur? Weaning, even if smooth, is a hard thing for a toddler nursling. It was for my DD, and we weaned under similar circumstances. She looked for and found new ways to connect with me. We read a lot more books together and snuggled extra regular snuggle times on the couch to help make up for that lost close contact.(DD finished it/milk ran out/your preference?) I'm not seeking to judge, but it might help us see why she's acting this way, for example if she stopped nursing after you'd been away overnight or longer she might well fear you going away and so has found a need she MUST have met by you. The imminent baby must be playing on her mind too. Transition is just hard for everyone.

With a new little one, this DD is going to have to learn to wait and to share Mama. I think that it is best done BEFORE the new baby comes, so that she doesn't resent the new baby for doing it to her. It isn't about being mean or not loving her or not providing for her, it's about practicality and expanding her circle of dependable caregivers. DH is a great place to start. We had DH put DD down for bed for a couple of months before DS was born. At first it was hard for her, but DH loves her and they worked through it and it was GREAT that we didn't have that conflict when DS was a newborn.

Tjej

[GoBecGo]

I guess mileages vary (as with anything). My DD was 4 when DD2 was born and though she strongly resisted giving any of "me" up before the birth she actually took it very well once DD2 was born. For her there was a huge difference between "mama feels she can't because you have to learn to share her" and "mama physically can't because she's feeding your sister". She met the first with rage, disappointment and sadness and the latter with (mostly) acceptance and patience (though 4 is obviously much older than 2!!). I would compare it to DH helping with the baby - when DD1 was born XP refused to help me saying "you have to learn so you can do it when i'm not here" whereas DH, when DD2 arrived, took the stance "i'll do everything i can for you while i'm here to help!". I really REALLY resented XP for his approach (even though i was capable of reasoning and knew exactly why he was doing it, even if i disagreed with him), him sitting there watching me exhausted and upset and not helping because i "have to learn" was so hurtful and it drove a wedge in for sure. I probably struggled as much to cope with 2 when DH went back to work as i did with 1 when DD1 was first born, but it was a gentler transition, i felt supported despite DH's physical absence, and my relationship is much stronger for it. I know DD1 can now understand that i can't always be 100% available to her, though necessity, but she also knows if i CAN be i WILL be. SHe'd be so hurt if i decided to make myself unavailable to teach her a lesson, even a very very valid one. I think DD1, even at 2, could tell the difference between "mama can't" and "mama won't", even if she couldn't have articulated it at all.

So that's my (irrelevant!) take on it, and it's just another viewpoint, i don't pretend it's the best approach, only that it worked for my DD's high-needs-and-very-intelligent personality.

OP i wouldn't be surprised if the nappy changing has become a sort of substitute for the nursing, perhaps not even consciously. I too would probably wean if pregnant, so it's useful for me (and no doubt many others) to read of your experience JIC it one day happens to me. I'm sure if she was already on the road to wean anyway that gradually this phase will pass, either because she PL's or because she adjusts to the new family dynamic or simply because she gets older and moves beyond this phase.

Have you tried suggesting using the potty for BM when mama is gone? How was that met? Or maybe (something MY mother did as a CCP when i was a babe) you could try this: when you change DD you could give her a special object of yours to hold while you do it - a piece of resilient jewelery or a pretty silky scarf that smells of you. When you're going away for a few hours you tell her "grandma (or whoever) has the special thing, remember to hold it when you get your nappy changed, and i'll be thinking of you even if i can't be there". That worked for a little girl my mum cared for who really missed her mummy during such times for the first few months she looked after her.