Spoiling DD with attention??

[shotmama]

TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK! honestly!

DD is 1 now and people have been noticing that i am 'spoiling' her. like, i still hold her often (even while i do vaccuming sometimes), i still rock her to sleep a lot of the times (she has TEN teeth right now. crazy, huh?), i'm not potty training her, yet, if she wants my attention i will stop what i'm doing and tend to her first, and if she cries for me i will run to her even though i know she's not terribly hurt...

if i talk on the phone for more than 10 minutes while she is awake, i feel bad as if i was ignoring her even though i'm always watching her.

when it's just me and her at home, when she is not napping she plays at most, 30 minutes by herself in a day. most days, though, i say 5 minutes! the other times she's awake she wants me to play with her. so i do.

i didn't think it was a problem until people were saying i was 'trained.' personally, i had a lot of issues with lack of interaction with my own parents when i was a kid, so i fear i may be overcompensating for what i did not have in my own childhood? hrmmmm!

what do you guys think?

[ssh]

I think you're doing a great job. You can't spoil a baby by taking care of her or playing with her. It sounds like you are a good mommy and you are enjoying your DD. Even the AAP have said you can't spoil a baby by responding to their needs. Natural or AP parenting seem to be overly attentive to more traditional parenting folks. While a traditional western parenting style seems kind of cold and unresponsive to me. Taking care of another person's needs doesn't mean you're 'trained'. So I'm not 'trained' to fix my DH's lunch, he isn't 'trained' to rub my neck while we're shopping and my almost 5 year old DD isn't trained to get me more water ......... but we still do these things for each other.

Just smile and tell other people how much you are enjoying your DD and ignore them. Enjoy the rocking your DD to sleep while it lasts. She'll be too big to want it all too soon.

[CherryBombMama]

i do the exact same thing with my 19 month old and i dont feel one bit bad about it. people can say whatever they want. i am going to give my babies every ounce of love that i can give them, because one day they are going to be pushing me away, telling me im being "mushy" or something

its not like youre buying your daughter everything in sight, or letting her doing absolutely everything she wants.

you can never give too much love and attention at that age. one day, she WILL want to be independent and do things by herself

[elisheva]

I think you are being an attentive parent. I don't play as much with my kidlets but that's mostly because they have each other. And do rock her to sleep as long as you can. Those cuddles won't last forever. Ignore the naysayers.

[momto4plus4]

Well, if you're spoiling yours then I'm spoiling mine! I totally agree that you can't spoil a baby. You're meeting her needs. If it's any consilation: I wore Dd1 in a sling and nursed her til she was 3. She was my only til she was 4. I held her. I carried her to and from the house to the car, etc. I chattered to her. I rocked her at night. She is now 9 1/2 and a self-confident, energetic, compassionate child. She will often seek out "loners" in classes and bring them into the mix. She is just a great kid. Trust your mommy-instincts. They are there for a reason.

[OkiMom]

I didn't know kids came with expiration dates.. darn, I should go see how spoiled mine are..

Seriously, food spoils not babies. I still cuddle, give hugs to, comfort etc my girls when they need it. They are almost 2 and almost 4. If I'm in need of some comfort for whatever reason my girls will cuddle up with me in bed and give me hugs and kisses, I turn 27 next week. I think everyone needs love and attention from those closest to them.
As for teaching her to spend time alone, that comes with age and maturity. DD1 wouldn't spend more than 5 minutes alone until DD2 came along and it was either sit and watch me nurse the baby or go play. DD2 is better but she has DD1 to play with.

[Petie1104]

You can't spoil a baby, and she is still a baby. I still sit with my 4 yr. old whenever he wants that bit of love. Honestly, the only thing that stood out is the guilt while on the phone. As long as the little one isn't complaining, don't feel guilty, other than that your doing wonderfully.

[pianojazzgirl]

Uh. Weird. No, that's not "spoiling". That's parenting a baby.

I do, however, agree with the pp who suggested trying to let go of the "phone guilt". As long as your dd is happy then all is well. We mamas have enough to deal with without manufacturing guilt!

[karika]

Originally Posted by ssh

I think you're doing a great job. You can't spoil a baby by taking care of her or playing with her. It sounds like you are a good mommy and you are enjoying your DD. Even the AAP have said you can't spoil a baby by responding to their needs. Natural or AP parenting seem to be overly attentive to more traditional parenting folks. While a traditional western parenting style seems kind of cold and unresponsive to me. Taking care of another person's needs doesn't mean you're 'trained'. So I'm not 'trained' to fix my DH's lunch, he isn't 'trained' to rub my neck while we're shopping and my almost 5 year old DD isn't trained to get me more water ......... but we still do these things for each other.

Just smile and tell other people how much you are enjoying your DD and ignore them. Enjoy the rocking your DD to sleep while it lasts. She'll be too big to want it all too soon.

[mattemma04]

My response to the *trained* comment would be," Whatever." or perhaps
" What,you don't hold your child often or play with them?"

I think what you are doing is fine.And if you are fine with it then really that is all that matters. Spoiling to me is when you buy your kid every toy or food item after you have said no and the child throws a fit until they get it.That IMO is spoiling.

Did you see on the news how a mom beat her 3 month to death because the infant interupted her facebook farmville playtime? Sad.

We are a culture where it is norm to place babies in cribs and playpens for hours on end while we do our things.When you spend more time or hold your child more than others do...well they comment negatively to make themselves feel better.

My kids are 8 and 11 and there are times I stop doing whatever I am busy with just to listen to my kids,or even just to play a board game if they ask.The chores can wait. I don't want to be the parent too busy to give my children attention.In fact I was that parent,but one look into the disappointed face of my child made me realise how stupid I was to put anything before them. I still say no at times for toys or foods,but always yes to spend time with them!

[nextcommercial]

OK.. You said "honestly".

I do think RUNNING to her when she cries is setting her up for some issues. If she's not hurt, just crying, you really should be calm, cool and collected when you go pick her up. If you act like it's a big deal, she's going to think it's a big deal.

[Petie1104]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

OK.. You said "honestly".

I do think RUNNING to her when she cries is setting her up for some issues. If she's not hurt, just crying, you really should be calm, cool and collected when you go pick her up. If you act like it's a big deal, she's going to think it's a big deal.

Good point.

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

OK.. You said "honestly".

I do think RUNNING to her when she cries is setting her up for some issues. If she's not hurt, just crying, you really should be calm, cool and collected when you go pick her up. If you act like it's a big deal, she's going to think it's a big deal.

I agree with this but everything else sounds like you're being a great and attentive mama, OP.

[TiredX2]

Moved to Toddlers

[shotmama]

INTERESTING!! thanks!

here's another one, more detailed. again, please be honest.

a family member has three kids and they are all brought up like this since birth: if they do something wrong and cry about it, ignore it and leave them alone until they stop crying on their own.

with DD being one, she will sometimes get upset if i tell her 'no,' and then cry and crawl to me. when i pick her up (don't mind cause the important thing was that she listened to my 'no,' i felt), those same relatives tell me i'm not teaching her what she was doing was 'wrong' by attending to her crying. they said it's better to let her cry without comfort to have time to think about what she was doing.

thoughts?

[Rlin]

Ok, you wanted honest.

Would you ignore a grown up that is crying?
You would go to them, try to comfort them and ask what is wrong and if you can help, wouldn't you?
I expect my husband to comfort me when I'm crying (and vice versa), so we do not let our DS cry on his own for whatever reason.
What would your DD learn if you'd ignore her and ignore her crying? That mommy doesn't care? That mommy only loves her when she's "good"? I want my son to know he can come to us when he made a mistake, that we will be there to help him. I want him to learn how to solve his own problems when he's a grown up, but I will help him in the process. And even when he's a grown up I'll listen and help. This is what I do with other grownups in my life now. Empathy is an important life skill, and I want to model this for DS.

[Petie1104]

Ok the ignoring her after she listened to you is just silly. A baby may know they did wrong and just want comfort. I know my youngest feels guilty when he finds out he did something wrong. He will curl up into the smallest ball he can get into and stay there for who knows how long if I don't go pick him up. He feels GUILTY, he's not manipulating. He's 4, so I KNOW a 1 yr. old isn't manipulating. She is wanting comfort. Your family needs to respect your parenting, seriously. How about the next time you see them do something wrong, start telling them how THEY should parent and when they tell you that you overstepped boundaries just say, "yeah, and how exactly does it feel on that side of the conversation".

[Super~Single~Mama]

Do you want to know how to spoil a child? I'll tell you. When you're at the grocery store, and they ask for a candy bar, and you say "no". Then, the child throws the BIGGEST tantrum you've EVER seen, and so you relent, and buy them not one, but 2 candy bars.

This scenario can happen anywhere, over anything - toy stores, clothing stores, etc. When you teach a child that throwing a tantrum is how to get what they want, you are spoiling them.

Loving them, playing with them, holding them, is NOT spoiling them - its locing them, playing with them, and holding them. Not a big deal. I did teach my ds to play by himself for longer than 5minutes at that age, but I still held him quite a bit, and I loved him lots too

[ssh]

Don't listen to your relatives when it comes to parenting. Listen to your heart, your instincts, or your DD, but not unresponsive relatives. Another good guide is to ask yourself if you would want your DH to treat you that way. If you wouldn't want to be treated that way don't treat your DD that way. Some one here said something about imagining their child was in the room all grown up and watching while they took care of their baby. If I would be comfortable with my child as an adult looking back in time and watching me then I'm probably parenting well.

Having a responsive, loving, attentive parent helps a child be able to become emotionally healthy and mature. Well nurtured children are also often very empathetic.

[tzs]

i work at a preschool and the teachers in the babyroom (neither of them mothers, one with a masters in education) are a little obsessed with babies' independence. i've seen the pretty benign (propping older babies on pillows to drink their bottles by themselves instead of holding them) to the seriously annoying (letting babies cry because they needed to learn how to get used to tummy time etc...) all in the name of "teaching them independence."

when dd started attending part time at a little under 1 year they were amazed at how independant she was and wouldn't stop gushing....about how she was the best ever, the most easy-going, how all the other "whinier" babies should be like her.

well, they got it all wrong. i know a big part of it is her personality but another very important part is that i always responded to her needs. yeah, i wouldn't run if she was just fussing, i'd give her a chance to work it out, and if she was playing independently i'd stay out of her way. but by reponding to her when she needed me she felt secure and safe to be independent. it seems so common sense.