~*•~*•~November Dating Thread~•*~•*~ giving thanks for our blessings & enjoying the moment!

[Butterflymom]

During the season of Thanksgiving, I think it's appropriate to remember that even those of us with baggage in our past (disappointment, things not panning out at all the way we had planned) should stop a few moments to appreciate our blessings in life. Then, perhaps we can avoid falling into the easy trap of imagining that happiness (or most of it) can come from finding & partnering with the perfect mate. I fall into this all the time. That this period post divorce is "the great wait" while I kill time until I'm sharing my life (& hopefully having more kids) with the man I'm supposed to be with & grow old with.

Because a) the perfect partner doesn't exist, b) if he did, he would be noticing the positive, happy-within gal over there & not a needy mama like I tend to be and c) even if he was perfect & jumped on board for the long term, he wouldn't magically MAKE you happy for the long term, anyway. That's gotta come from within.

I'm focusing now on trying to BE DETACHED from the OUTCOME & approach each day, each experience, each opportunity for growth & knowledge as a distinct blessing in & of itself & carpe diem & be glad that I am alive & enjoying a priviledged life where I even have the luxury to fret about whether the current boyfriend is Mr. Right for 50 years or Mr. Right for 50 more days or what.... Pretty cushy existence we lead in the western world as a woman and a single mother while a billion or so other women on this earth, today, have such problems that would make us weep.

Does feeling wary about past losses & disappointments increase the chance that today won't bring new ones? Does stressing about acheiving a picture perfect future make it any more likely to happen? Nope. worry is impotent.

Dear friendships are not. And double bonus, you can vent your insecure worries & let them go, with supportive sounding boards in your life. Pursuing goals outside of relationships are a fabulous source of self-esteem & happiness with ones life. Being the mom you want to be is a powerful one. Peace, calm, and clarity which comes from leaving a bad relationship are blessings and a path to wisdom.

Question of the month: what helps you stay in a headspace where you can approach dating in a healthy mindset, DETACHED from the OUTCOME and happy with each enjoyable moment for what it is at face value? How do you manage to let go of fear & loneliness and glow from within, as a singleton?

[Butterflymom]

I'm starting to practice what I just preached, with Cucumber. Starting to. The more time that elapses, the more his actions demonstrate that, while not flashy or smooth about it, he is a man I can depend on who wants to quietly be there for me, no matter the baggage. Also this is despite any clash/discomfort to his formerly simple life & despite how alien my general being is, from the style/culture/language he has known all his life.

I feel it, even if I don't hear it. I do so prefer the actions & body language of this Platinum Ice Scraper, than the flowery sweet nothings.

I have never known anyone with as strong moral character as his....and he's so humble... his unshakable moral code is completely void of any judgmentalness or arrogance about anyone. I have seriously put this to the test (presenting less than shiny-perfect information about choices I've made in my past) and had him shrug it off and remind me that he feels in no position to judge anyone.

I've only been with judgmental guys who have crazy high self proclaimed standards/values but no one can ever live up to them. And they themselves least of all, when it came right down to the abuse/infidelity I experienced. A hyper-critical husband sneering at me with eyes full of scorn because we were out of skim milk or his favorite jeans weren't ironed, or a quick-to-critique college boyfriend (4+yrs) who wondered if I was really good enough to introduce to his wealthy, conservative family and if inwas 'calibur' enough to settle down with, who ended up two-timing me while I was the devoted & stupid puppy dog.

Not to mention alllll the men (most of you remember!) these past 2 years of being single who targeted me because I'm a cute, tall, blonde, size 2 who seems like a pretty good score to add to their roster of wild-oats seduction conquests.

Maybe I deserve Cucumber, finally.

[Butterflymom]

Anyone? Anyone?

Bueller? Bueller?

[Momtwice]

Hi Butterfly mom....

I've been reading your posts and letting them digest in my head. I'm thinking about perfectionism. On the one hand you have my sig line below.

Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50

On the other hand, who says you have to be perfect? I mean my quote is great and a lofty goal, but on the other hand, we imperfect types deserve love too!

I'm recovering from the end of a long, long marriage and the examples of lovers I had before are a long time ago...but was I perfectly whole and self actualized when they fell in love with me? Heck no.

So I'm working on letting go of the idea that I have to be PERFECTLY whole and healthy before I find love again...or that my future mate/s do....because while it is important to be strong and not put up with crap, it's also important not to beat ourselves up so much that our perfectionism about our personal growth work becomes just another weapon we flog ourselves with.

[mommy_to_2angels]

In a good place...

I also took a long while to digest and analyze the words spoken above. I'm genuinely, simply, completely happy at this moment. I'm not single, not alone and that helps. But I'm comfortable with who I am, with this man or without him. We are and have been just....comfortable with each other. I feel as if I have known him my entire life. He has his trials and tribulations, same as I do, and when they become too much and we have a ... (spat? it's not even bad enough to call it that) disagreement of some sort, I cry and he cries and we both apologize and we are back to happy. Sometimes it is important to let out some of the poison, in order to make room for the good.

With so much going wrong, so much being hard and too much to work through... having someone to talk to and to have to lean on, it is a beautiful thing. I don't know if it is forever, honestly... I don't know that I believe in forever, but if forever exists, it is with this man. It is out there, ladies, it just might take a while to get there. In the meantime, as I deal with: My ex threatening suicide, begging for money and food from family to feed and clothe my children, working endless hours for a pittance and the myriad of other issues that crop up from day to day, I count my blessings and they are many; The good outweighs the bad and we are happier than most people, despite the struggle.

Originally Posted by Momtwice

So I'm working on letting go of the idea that I have to be PERFECTLY whole and healthy before I find love again...or that my future mate/s do....because while it is important to be strong and not put up with crap, it's also important not to beat ourselves up so much that our perfectionism about our personal growth work becomes just another weapon we flog ourselves with.

Perfection is accepting each other in all your imperfections. You will find someone who is perfect for you. They may not be perfect to anyone else, but to you, they are perfectly imperfect.

[bananabee]

Ahh dating again. I know I'm going to need time and space to heal from my broken marriage, just as I would have needed time and space to heal within it had my H been capable of allowing me that. However, I greatly look forward to the future and having someone who actually enjoys the simple things in life and wants to share them. My H was a head-in-the-clouds narcissist who only came down for certain reasons, and I have promised myself I'll keep an eye out for guys who are more down to earth and interested in real life.

That said, I guess the one nice thing about having a H who mostly neglected me is that I'm really used to living life alone. It's been just me and the dog for so long, and now it's me, baby, and the dog. I am involved in a local church and mom group, which gives me ways to meet people. Sometimes I go for walks w/the dog and run into other dog owners. I feel good by myself, and even though there are lots of imperfections in myself - I have a real lemon for a body and narcolepsy on top of that - I like other people and see that my friendliness attracts other people to me. It's not really about how good we are as individuals, it's about how good we make other people feel when we're around them. I try to focus on that instead of on what's wrong with me, and I find that helps me focus on what's great about other people rather than what's wrong with them in order to make me feel more "normal". My therapist is the one I discuss my idiosynchrysies with and bounce things off of, and my close friends know my flaws, but I don't let them keep from giving myself permission to enjoy the good things in life.

I think when I slow down and soak in the sweet sensations of the seasons - that crisp autumn breeze, the perfect medley of apple & seasonings in cider, the beautiful clear quiet nights, etc - it allows me to really grasp the reality that there are so many great things in life that no one else can take away from me even if I lose all my material possessions and have to live on beans.

Then again, maybe it's just the Lexapro talking.

Hmm.

What are your thoughts about dating while on SSRIs? On the one hand, I feel much more like my old self on it, but on the other hand I may lose my health insurance and won't be able to afford medications that aren't absolutely necessary, and I know that I could probably wean it off at some point.

Plus, I don't want myself to feel pressured to settle for someone with good health insurance and I want someone to know me for the real me.

All that said, I'm very encouraged by the number of guys (2) that have flirted with me in the last three weeks. I'm not ready to get into a relationship, but it's nice to know that when I'm ready, they're out there and I can practice my casual flirting until then.

Another thing I'm trying to not try to do is find a daddy for my 5 month old baby. STBX will be moving out of state in Dec, and I feel sad that she won't have a daddy nearby...also that he may completely lose interest in her once this is all over and he sees there's no chance of getting me back. So, naturally I want her to have a good male role model in her life. Do any of you have a kind of surrogate dad for your kids that is someone you're not involved with? Like a friend's husband or father? I don't have any family nearby to fill in that role. Sorry if that's off-topic...we could start a different thread for that if needed.

[Butterflymom]

To all ye lurkers....

It is ok to post briefly! For some reason I managed to set the bar for this month that only those with time to write a lengthy musing can qualify to participate in the dating thread. Not my intention! Everyone, join in!

Sugarmoon - again, sorry for the drunk message-expressing-concern-that-you're-gonna-get-your-heart-clobbered-w/-ATG that wasn't phrased elegantly.
Love you!

[Zeta]

Hi all - I'm doing well... CB and I are dating and having fun... It feels low pressure which is good. My nemesis (that dumped me a month or so ago) still texts me indications that he misses me - but he has nothing new to offer, and I am over him. These communications used to mess me up because it would re-trigger the wistful feelings, but now I just feel moderately annoyed.

[RainbowTurtle]

I'm still here too. I enjoy reading your posts, just not sure where I belong exactly. I've been dating my man (I'll call him FM for short) for over 2 years now and we're going to move in together by next summer. We've been talking about it with the kids, being open and making sure they aware that it's an adjustment for everyone. It's been just me and DD in my house for four years and he's been with just his boys for three years, so it'll be a big change. We're considering buying a "new to everyone" house after we're all together - we just don't want to be selling two houses and purchasing a new one all at the same time.

We've been crazy busy, what with work, taking care of two houses, sports (participating and coaching) and everything, so FM and I are taking a little road trip next weekend when the kids are with their other parents. A day and a half of nothing but relaxing and enjoying each other! It's been too long since we've done that and I'm just a little excited about it.

[sugarmoon]

Oh, jeez, Butterfly, no apology needed, and you know what? You were dead-right. After a reallly nice weekend, I got home after trick or treating with my kids to another freaking "we need to stop sleeping together, but can't we still be friends" email. I'm sad, but mostly, I'm TIRED of it. I need to get on with my life. And I"m ANGRY that he messed up our friendship.

Mooooooooooooooving along.

I forget the question, but it's November, thankful month, and I'll say this. I am, truly, thankful for all that I have learned, and continue to learn about human nature, men, women, and most of all, myself, and my own morals as I navigate this crazy world of dating. There are lessons for me, all over the place, and I am thankful that I am able to take them in, learn, and grow. And I'm so incredibly thankful for the amazing friends who stand by me and hold my hand along the way.

Word.

[Butterflymom]

Artsy Teacher Guy

can now be labeled Artsy Teacher Ass, as far as I'm concerned. You don't need to be jerked around & toyed with like that. It takes 2 to Tango, and he jumps in and then bails on you. Thats not being a good friend, let alone good boyfriend.

[attachedmomto3]

Hmmm, ive been dating a guy exclusively for about 3 months now...Harley Guy...HG...he's great we're having a great time together...the only concern i have is taking it from couple time to time with me and the kids. we've hung with the kids all together 3 or 4 times and it went really good every time...he has said that he wants to take it really slow with the kids..which i fine with me but i just wonder how do u end up making that transition and is there a magical time frame that is appropriate? and if you take it really slow with the kids r u wasting time and feelings if the whole package doesnt fit right??

re:the question...i can't stop myself for worrying about the future outcome of this relationship! i wish i could....

[Butterflymom]

Aaaaaarrrgggh!!!!!

[elsie123]

I'm new in this forum, but I figured I may as well jump in...

I am not exactly dating at all, and I am quite happy to be alone, and feel really good about it. I am focusing on "us" being me and my kid, not me and anyone else, and that seems important to me right now, so it keeps me going.

I do however, think about spending the rest of my life with no-one, and that does cause me some grief!

I'm currently talking to an old friend, who has been through the tunnel of love with me more than once and we've always screwed it up. We are wondering now if there is any way to change that. He lives hours away so it is safe, and feels comfortable, and we just talk, and I'm looking forward to just enjoying each other's company when we can. That's as close to dating as I am gonna get right now! One day at a time, focusing on being a kind loving person to everyone who I want in my life. And, at the same time, making sure I never lose myself again.

[Hollycrand]

Butterfly....what's the matter???

[Butterflymom]

I have no right to be a needy, neurotic mess about Cool as a Cucumber.



He treats me like gold, and reassures me that I have no reason to be insecure. What he can't do is tell me why. He can't say anything nice about me. He can't tell me what he likes about me. That irks me a little bit.

New plan: ignore his verbal ineptitude, hear the message from the actions, and stop keeping mum about all the nice things I want to say to him. I've been holding back since he never does it. I've wanted to say beautiful things to him but I haven't because my insecurity fears how much it would hurt if they are responded to with silence. Words are my medium. Physical demonstrations are, as well, but when we aren't next to each other, (as well as when we are), words are there and what I rely on to express myself. I won't let his discomfort with words stop me from being myself, which is a highly verbal, open person who lays her heart and soul vulnerable to those she cares about, through verbal communication.

Maybe after he stops acting weird when he hears a compliment (he'll get used to it eventually), he'll start reciprocating. Or not. But I need to do it.

[Hollycrand]

Go for it!!

[Butterflymom]

Hits & misses. Sent a really sweet message on Saturday & honestly just hoped it made him feel good, but I got a polite but slightly-brush-iffy message in return. Then he shows up the next day as soon as he got back in town & he wants to see me, take me to dinner and a movie and we have a great great evening of him showering me in his undivided, calm attention. I get to really be myself and although I'm quite the force of nature and he's the opposite, he happily goes along for the ride. I can't say I wouldn't like more participation, but....his calm, easygoing, warm, pleasant stability is very nice. Amazing physical connection all the time with him stroking my hand in his lap or cuddling me on the sofa, and of course very attentive and emotionally connected in the bedroom.
Then Monday I surprise him with the offer to arrange his hotel accomodations for him because it turns out that today we're both going to be in the same city without a place to sleep and I knew he'd have to book a room so I decided to skip staying on my friend's sofa and arrange the room and be waiting for him after a long day's work (wine, candles, etc....) to rejuvenate him before the next morning's meeting & keep him company on the 2 hr drive back to our city afterwards since I'm going home then too. But he declined my offer, saying he has to work also in the room & he'll see me after he gets home. So i have to fend for myself tonight and take the train home (I'll probably just go home tonight in that case). Kind of cold water that he doesn't wanna squeeze in some time with me, but I'm sure the rejection wasn't for the wrong reasons. He works so hard and needs to concentrate, I suppose.
Then later he sent me a message just saying he's thinking of me & my pretty smile, and then called that night just to talk & we stayed on the phone a long time.
I dunno, I like the 'pretty smile' thing. And time with him is wonderful. I just wish that my efforts to be amazing to him were more well received.

[Ione]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

I just wish that my efforts to be amazing to him were more well received.

It seems to me (from your posts) that he finds you amazing already, WITHOUT you going to "extraordinary lengths" to *be* amazing (i.e. over-the-top textbook romantic).
Kind of like a guy who thinks , yeah, sure, his girl is knock-down-gorgeous when all dolled up but actually finds her most attractive/sexy when she's let her hair down, wearing little-to-no make up, and running around in one of his old shirts.
Just a thought...

And, of course, I would take the "thinking of you & your pretty smile" as an attempt to be more explicitly verbal with you. (Yeah, sure, it's pretty tame in the grand scheme of things, but coming from someone you've described as basically *mute* in this area, it's progress. Right?)

[Oh the Irony]

Yeah, but it should be easy to be totally yourself with the right person. They should bring that out in you. It concerns me that you stopped being yourself for awhile with him. Be truly who you are. If he doesn't like it/can't handle it then you know and can move on.