confused...

[belove]

I'm a single mom to a 2.5 yr old boy.

His father is in my son's life,but not listed on Birth Cert. He pays zero support,but does visit a few times a year for visits and loves our child deeply.

I was never in a relationship w/ the father. My son is the product of a casual relationship...

Bio-dad moved to Hawaii shortly after my son was born.

Here's the thing. I have NO legal paperwork filed yet. I'm being intimidated by our mediator (a friend of his) that papa may walk away from ds if I file for legal/physical custody. I'm told that this is not for the greater good of my child.

So confused..

(did present him w/ a contract written by mediator a few months ago and he refused to sign)

help.

[doubledutch]

if he loves your child, then he won't stop seeing him just because you insist that he fulfill his legal and moral obligation to support him.

[Jyotsna]

[Minxie]

Originally Posted by belove

Here's the thing. I have NO legal paperwork filed yet. I'm being intimidated by our mediator (a friend of his) that papa may walk away from ds if I file for legal/physical custody. I'm told that this is not for the greater good of my child.

If you have nothing legal between the two of you, then he can walk away NOW with no repercussions. THAT is not for the greater good of your child, as it means your child will not receive any of the financial benefits to which he is entitled should something happen to his father (SS, veteran's benefits, inheritance, etc.)

If he is a REAL FATHER, then he should be on top of this and taking care of it himself.

I can tell you that my son's father stopped speaking to him out of spite towards me when I asked him to increase the amount he was voluntarily sending to cover our son's increased expenses (beginning of the year, everything went up.) Then HE informed ME that he was taking it to court to have everything official between us as he was tired of my "avaricious ways". This after insisting we NOT go through the courts for the preceding five years.

He recently informed me that the firm he hired can't get it done, whatever that means, and I reminded him that he only has to sign the Voluntary Acknowledgment of Paternity to be legally recognized as our son's father and have legal rights to him. I've SENT him the forms several times but he refuses to sign them and blames me.

Anyway, what he doesn't know is that I'M done; I filed with the state CSE office so we can get this done once and for all. I WISH I had taken care of it MUCH sooner as it would have eliminated one source of stress from my life.

So the short answer is: file, get it in writing; he'll either be around or he won't but your son will be protected financially. Don't let your supposed friend intimidate you; do what is right for YOUR SON, not your ex.

[Halfasianmomma]

Originally Posted by Minxie

If you have nothing legal between the two of you, then he can walk away NOW with no repercussions. THAT is not for the greater good of your child, as it means your child will not receive any of the financial benefits to which he is entitled should something happen to his father (SS, veteran's benefits, inheritance, etc.)

If he is a REAL FATHER, then he should be on top of this and taking care of it himself.

This.

The threat beind held over your head is a false one. Moreover, do you REALLY want this man to be part of your child's life if he so willingly threatens to abandon him whenever things don't go his way?

[Latte Mama]

He loves your child deeply yet...
he moved away shortly after he was born,
he pays zero support,
he threatens not to see him when you want to do the responsible thing.

Uh huh.

[Momtwice]

If the mediator is a friend of his, they are acting on his behalf and not really a true mediator. The things the mediator is telling you reinforce my opinion on this.

[lilyka]

Originally Posted by Latte Mama

He loves your child deeply yet...
he moved away shortly after he was born,
he pays zero support,
he threatens not to see him when you want to do the responsible thing.

Uh huh.

do what you need to do mama. If he truly deeply loves his child he will still truly deeply love his child when there is a legal custody arrangement in place and he will show his love by financially providing for his child (hugs and kisses only go so far. nothing says love when you are hungry like dinner on the table and nothing says love when you are cold like a warm coat on your back.)

[belove]

Originally Posted by Latte Mama

He loves your child deeply yet...
he moved away shortly after he was born,
he pays zero support,
he threatens not to see him when you want to do the responsible thing.

Uh huh.

Yeah, he loves him a lot and it's very apparent.

He moved away to get away from a scandel in his home state that had absoluty nothing to do w/ me or my child.

He pays no support because he's 63 but we do get SS from him as he listed my son when he filed for SS. (but this is not child support,it's seperate and only 350 a month)

I"m dealing w/ a difficult man who is used to getting his way. His whole adult life he has had the role of "guru" and used to people bowing to him. He's a narcissist (sp) who has no coping skills. Why he ran to Hawaii in the first place...can't face his demons.


I don't like the man. He has made my life very difficult,but am conflicted on him leaving our lives and then my son resenting me later in life.

[belove]

[QUOTE=Latte Mama;16008951]He loves your child deeply yet...
he moved away shortly after he was born,
he pays zero support,
he threatens not to see him when you want to do the responsible thing.

Uh huh.[/QUOT

Wow, i'm stunned by your response so I have more to say...

The Single Parent forum says: A place for single parents to come for support, advice, and commiseration.

I see that you are neither a single parent nor are you offering advice or support. So if you have NO expirence,stregnth or hope to offer I would suggest you keep your opinons to yourself.

[doubledutch]

you are not responsible for another adult's behavior. if your child's father disappears from your lives, no matter what his reason is, that is not your fault. it doesn't matter if he wants to blame you for it or not. your son doesn't get to resent you for something you had no control over.

you need a new mediator - a neutral party, not your friend, not his friend.

[belove]

Originally Posted by doubledutch

you are not responsible for another adult's behavior. if your child's father disappears from your lives, no matter what his reason is, that is not your fault. it doesn't matter if he wants to blame you for it or not. your son doesn't get to resent you for something you had no control over.

you need a new mediator - a neutral party, not your friend, not his friend.

Done w/ mediator and hiring lawyer. Would like to draw up contract and have him sign,but I suspect he'll refuse and we'll go through the court system.

At this point, I am not so concerned w/ the child support (but it wouldn't suck) so much as I am w/ making sure that bio-dad can't take him out of state against my wishes.

Also, to get a will into place to assign who my child will go to if anything happens to me. I do know it would go to him,but I have tons of info that would hold up in a court of law why my child should not..if he would ever fight it.

[lilyka]

Originally Posted by belove

Wow, i'm stunned by your response so I have more to say...

The Single Parent forum says: A place for single parents to come for support, advice, and commiseration.

I see that you are neither a single parent nor are you offering advice or support. So if you have NO expirence, strength or hope to offer I would suggest you keep your opinons to yourself.

Well I am a single mom and agree with her 100%. You need to do what you need to do to provide for her and your son and you should not feel guilty for it for one second. You are not going to drive him away if he loves his son. If he throws a hissy fit and stops coming around then he never really loved his son. My xh had an affair and could have run off to get away from the scandal of it all but did not. Because he wasn't going to leave his kids. He could have cooked his books and gotten out of a lot of child support. he didn't because he loves his kids. As much as I dislike that man he loves his kids. And he takes good care of them.

I see you are getting some support and $350 seems like a pretty fair amount for one child. (I get a little over $1000 for three). I am not sure how child support works when a man is on social security but it sounds like you have a pretty good set up. It also sounds like paternity has been established. It did not sound that way in your first post. But if you do not establish custody he could walk off with the child. you need to protect yourself and the child by establishing everything legally. and ditch the mediator. he sounds worthless at best and in my opinion is not doing you any favors. He is clearly a pawn in the dads hands. If you want to use a mediator hire a truly unbiased one. This guy is just playing games for your kids dad.

[Minxie]

Originally Posted by belove

Done w/ mediator and hiring lawyer. Would like to draw up contract and have him sign,but I suspect he'll refuse and we'll go through the court system.

At this point, I am not so concerned w/ the child support (but it wouldn't suck) so much as I am w/ making sure that bio-dad can't take him out of state against my wishes.

Also, to get a will into place to assign who my child will go to if anything happens to me. I do know it would go to him,but I have tons of info that would hold up in a court of law why my child should not..if he would ever fight it.

You can google your state's laws. Many, but not all, states err on the side of sole legal custody for the mother if the parents were not married at the time of birth. If you are the only one on the birth certificate, then you probably have sole legal custody by default and he has NO LEGAL RIGHTS to the minor child. This is the situation for my ex and me; I have sole legal custody of our son and he has NO rights to him. If something happens to me, my sister would retain guardianship of my son.

I am going through the courts because I am tired of my ex holding the threat over my head. He has told me that he will sue for custody of our son if I take this to court so I didn't, and then he told me he WAS taking it to court. I gave up trying to work with him and will let a judge work it out. I don't expect he will gain any custody of our son, seeing as how he's only seen him a handful of times in his life, and it nullifies the power of his threat.

[Latte Mama]

[QUOTE=belove;16009428]

Originally Posted by Latte Mama

He loves your child deeply yet...
he moved away shortly after he was born,
he pays zero support,
he threatens not to see him when you want to do the responsible thing.

Uh huh.[/QUOT

Wow, i'm stunned by your response so I have more to say...

The Single Parent forum says: A place for single parents to come for support, advice, and commiseration.

I see that you are neither a single parent nor are you offering advice or support. So if you have NO expirence,stregnth or hope to offer I would suggest you keep your opinons to yourself.

You took my post the wrong way. I'm on your child's side. THAT is the strength I have to offer you. The way you portrayed this guy in your OP was not favorable. I'm a parent too and no scandal could keep me from my child. NOTHING would stop me from providing for my son. So when I read about excuses, I'm thinking /

I'm sorry you don't see that and I wish you the best with this guy.

FTR: Yes I am forum crashing but it is "done" here at MDC and not something I've seen Mods pull posts for. So, no I don't really have to keep my opinion to myself

ETA: TY lilyka

[vannienicole]

beloved, when you said "guru" I think I recognize your story from a while back...if i am right, then this is a much more complex situation overall. And for everything you have gone through.

Second, the previous posters are right. He should provide for your child. However, him fighting doesn't mean that he doesn't love his son, but that his own ego just got in the way. Listen to an impartial person instead of a family friend. It helps to have someone who doesn't have "loyalities" of any type for either one of you. Just someone to talk through your situation. I wish you the best.