Etiquette on what to call grandparents?

[HRJ]

Okay, my son is almost 6 and was the first grandchild on my side of the family. he sort of named my parents what he calls them, and my parents love the names and that's what they want to be called.

My son was the 6th grandchild on my husband's side, and he just calls his other grandparents what the previous grandkids named them. They are not the most dignified names, but those names are their names, so we roll with it.

Now my brother and his wife had a baby (who is 7 mos and doesn't talk yet). It is their first . First granchild on SIL's side, and the second on our side. They get to name SIL's parents what they want (just like we did). but they insist that their child will not call my parents by the names my son came up with.

So this is very wierd when we are hanging out together and my son, my husband, myself, my sister, my mom and dad all call them one thing, and my brother and SIL call them something else.

I figure I went along w/ the silly names the other grandkids came up w/ for my husband's parents. Why don' they?

I'm also having another baby in the spring, and we'll have our 2nd kid call them what my son came up w/.

So is there any official etiquette on this?

[Joyster]

If the grandparents are fine with it, then leave it be. There is not etiquette stating that all grandchildren have to refer to grandparents by the same name.

If they're not fine with it, then leave it be, it's a ball of wax you don't have to get involved in and really in the end, it's in the not your business camp.

[pianojazzgirl]

I called my mom's parents one thing, my cousins (children of my mom's brother) called them something else. Not a big deal in our family.

[tabrizia]

We went by what the first Grandchild named them when I was growing up, but if the Grandparents don't mind I don't think it really makes a difference.

[HRJ]

I think that if my child came up with a new name for my husband's parents when he was actually able to talk, they would have thought it was fine. i think if I waltzed in before the child could even talk and say 'my kid is not calling you this. He's going to call you that" - my ILs would think I was a presumptious bitch.

And my parents want to be what they are already called. That's the other issue - they refer to themselves as what my son has named them.

[mamazee]

I don't honestly think there's an etiquette issue other than that the grandparents should not feel offended by what their grandkids call them. But there is no expectation that other kids call their grandparents what your kids call them.

[ollyoxenfree]

I'm not aware of any "official etiquette". I don't think all cousins have to use the same names. That seems pretty rigid to me. I suppose if the grandparents have a real preference, they should have the final say. It sounds like your SIL really dislikes whatever names are currently used though. If that's the case, then I have some sympathy for her. I'd probably try to come up with something that I liked too.

In our family, my IL's named themselves (Gran and Grandad) and so it was easy to use "Grandma and Grandpa") for my parents. My dc don't have cousins on my DH's side of the family, so the issue has never come up there. On my side of the family, the cousins tend to use "Grandma and Grandpa" but those are so common I've never thought about it. If they used something different, it would never cross my mind to object or even to wonder about it. It's really none of my business.

But then, I grew up hearing my father called different names depending on who was speaking to him - people from his ethnic background used his actual name, "white folks" used an easy-to-pronounce anglicized nickname, we all called him "Dad", my mom called him "Hon". I just don't think one person with different names is a big deal.

I'm curious about what you called the grandparents BEFORE your DS could talk. You must have used some moniker that was abandoned when he came up with his own.

[mamazee]

Another thing I thought of, and I'm probably in the minority here (?), is that I don't like when parents try to make a ruling about what their kids should call the grandparents, and especially when they decide when the grandchild is pre-verbal or not even born yet. I like it to be more natural, where the kids call their grandparents whatever comes naturally. The idea of trying to create and enforce a pet name between other people bugs me.

For example, we called my FIL "Grandpa Bob" and my dd ended up calling him Papa Bobba" which is still his name. I think it's sweet that she has her own name for him.

[sewchris2642]

Yes, it's called being respectful of others. Your brother and his wife get to decide on what their children will call the grandparents. The only other people that need to be involved are the grandparents. There is no way to tell if what they decide will stick however. If all of the extended family is close enough to see each other regularly, their children could just adopt what the other grandchildren call the grandparents. Or stick with what their parents come up with. The grandchildren will all sort it out. Don't sweat it now. You will just cause trouble where no trouble exists.

[greenemami]

In my fam the grandparents get to pick what they get to be called, so I would leave it up to your parents to say something if it bothers them.

My kids understand that different people use different names. I.e., they call me mommy, niece calls me Aunt Firstname, dsd calls me firstname or nickname, I call her grandparents mom and dad but daddy calls them by their first names, etc., so I don't think it would be a huge deal to hear their cousins using a different name. Dd actually gets a kick out of listing all the different variations, lol.

[limabean]

My nieces don't call my mom the same name that my kids call her. It's never been a big deal for us -- I never even really thought about it before.

ETA: After reading your 2nd post, it sounds like you must have other issues with your brother and SIL beyond this -- your anger about it seems OTT to me if this is your only problem with them.

[HRJ]

Originally Posted by limabean

My nieces don't call my mom the same name that my kids call her. It's never been a big deal for us -- I never even really thought about it before.

ETA: After reading your 2nd post, it sounds like you must have other issues with your brother and SIL beyond this -- your anger about it seems OTT to me if this is your only problem with them.

Overall i get along w/ them pretty well. SIL does tend to be a control freak, and everyone gets a little tired of that (including my parents and husband). So that is probably why it hits a nerve w/ me- seems like it is just one more thing she is trying to control. I mean, I feel like I won't call my parents what they call them if they ask me to (which i can see coming).

[limabean]

Originally Posted by HRJ

Overall i get along w/ them pretty well. SIL does tend to be a control freak, and everyone gets a little tired of that (including my parents and husband). So that is probably why it hits a nerve w/ me- seems like it is just one more thing she is trying to control. I mean, I feel like I won't call my parents what they call them if they ask me to (which i can see coming).

Well that would be ridiculous of them, especially since they're the ones breaking the whole name tradition thing (which again, I actually think is fine). If your SIL somehow ends up asking you to refer to your parents by her chosen grandparent name (You can really see that happening? Your SIL must be a piece of work for that to even be a possibility), I'd just get a pleasantly baffled expression on my face and say, "My kids already have a name for their grandparents."

[zinemama]

As long as your parents are ok with being called whatever your SIL's kid comes up with, I don't see that this is any concern of yours. If your parents have a problem with being addressed with two different names, I'm sure they'll mention it.

[LaLaLaLa]

DH's dad refused to choose what he would be called. My SIL, whose kids are older than mine, decided he would be called "Grandfather," which made me inwardly whenever I heard it. Are we Victorian?

Anyway, I can't see ever having my kids call him that, so they don't. They call him Grampy L, my nieces call him Grandfather, and as far as I know it's a non-issue. If I'd thought I had to refer to my FIL as Grandfather for the rest of his life, just because someone else thought it was an appropriate name, I'd be irritable.

Perhaps my SIL hates my guts for being so controlling and not going along with her choice, but we actually have a number of differences in philosophy so I'm not losing sleep over the name thing.

[WifeMomChiro]

My cousins and I had different names for my Grandpa over the years. It changed a few times. I don't think it is a big deal. My dd has recently started wanting to call my mom Grandma instead of the previous name she was using. I think things evolve and as long as the grandparents are fine with it, then it's no big deal.

[Marissamom]

on my mom's side we use the nicknames that my oldest cousin came up with (all of my cousins do), on my dad's side it's been grandpa and grandma, some of use put their first name after that.

with DD, she is my MIL's 4th grandchild, so we try to use grandma like DD's cousins, same deal with my stepdad, he already has grandkids, so we're using the name his grandkids call him. for the other grandparents we're in limbo-land. they don't have preferred names, and DD hasn't come up with any yet.

I really think in your situation you should let your parents deal with it if they don't like the nicknames, unless it does get to the point of your SIL asking you to use her names, then I would say no and leave it at that unless she was really getting on you about it.

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by sewchris2642

Yes, it's called being respectful of others. Your brother and his wife get to decide on what their children will call the grandparents. The only other people that need to be involved are the grandparents. There is no way to tell if what they decide will stick however. If all of the extended family is close enough to see each other regularly, their children could just adopt what the other grandchildren call the grandparents. Or stick with what their parents come up with. The grandchildren will all sort it out. Don't sweat it now. You will just cause trouble where no trouble exists.

This.


I'd be upset if someone was insisting that MY kid call a grandparent by a certain name. I couldn't care less what someone ELSE'S kid calls their grandparents.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by HRJ

So this is very wierd when we are hanging out together and my son, my husband, myself, my sister, my mom and dad all call them one thing, and my brother and SIL call them something else.

Why is it weird? My siblings and I called my dad's parents by certain names (Nana and Grandpa Jack) and my cousins called them something else (just Grandma and Grandpa). Why should everybody have to use the same names?

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by HRJ

And my parents want to be what they are already called.

I missed this before. I think this is the only issue. If your parents don't like it, it's not very nice.

Do your SIL's parents go by the same names or anything like that? I know a lot of families like to use names that clearly differentiate between sets of grandparents. (I keep that easy, as my parents, stepdad and in-laws are all "Grandpa/Grandma firstname".)