AP with a partner not totally on the same page

[kismetbaby]

I know I can't be the only one! What gets you through?

To preface this, my DH is a wonderful, caring person and I know he is thrilled to be a dad. And in general he agrees with AP and is letting me make the parenting choices (ex. we co-sleep even though I know this isn't his ideal situation). I know he's struggling a bit with the transition to parenthood.

However, it's hard to be the one making the parenting choices and it's hard to feel that he isn't 100% into the choices I am making. He fully supports BFing, but would rather our DS slept in his own bed, was less "clingy" (DS is only 13mo) and wishes that I was willing to hire a babysitter so we could go out as a couple. (We live far from family and I haven't wanted a stranger with my baby.)

It's really getting me down lately. DS is somewhat high needs and I feel like I need a lot of support from DH, but what I get is "why don't you hire a babysitter" or "he's old enough to fall asleep on his own". And it's starting to affect my feelings for DH.

Any thoughts? Advice? (And no, I probably can't get him to read any parenting books.)

[mamazee]

It sounds like what he wants is more time alone with you, so I guess I'd try to honor that need as best I could without sacrificing things that are important to me. For instance, co-sleeping at 1 would still be important to me, so I'd keep that up, but make sure I had a plan for intimacy. And I might try to find someone my baby was comfortable staying with so I could go out with my dh, if that were important to him. No family you said, but maybe a friend whom you trust to not do CIO or anything like that.

The specifics probably aren't as important as honoring his need behind his requests. They all point toward him wanting to have special time with you.

[CherryBombMama]

my dh is the same way, except he loves cosleeping. i really try to make a super extra effort to give extra love and attention. at first he wasnt sure of cosleeping because he thought we wouldnt DTD anymore, but the living room is our best friend now! could that be a reason for your dh also?

and i would never leave my 19m with a sitter. i have a hard time leaving him with his grandparents, and we only go on a quick trip because i feel so paranoid. your ds is still a little baby! i wouldnt want to leave him, either! is there a way to go on a amazingly fun family outing? i know he wants to go out with you, but maybe send him out on a guys night with the friends if he really needs to take a break from the baby? the other day my dh went with his dad to the movies because there is no way i could go, and he came back so refreshed. is your baby nursing at night? i know its not ideal for you, maybe during the two or three hours that babe isnt nursing you could hire someone to watch him while he is sleepng so you go grab an ice cream or something small that wont take much time?

my dh wont read parenting books either so i always say things like, "he wont be a baby forever." "soon we will go out again." and "i miss spending time with you, this baby period is almost over..." and stuff like that.

[MrsBone]

DH isn't 100% on board with all of our parenting choices either, but I do try and make an effort to meet his needs as well. For DH it has mainly been wanting to spend time with me alone, b/c we co sleep as well. Luckily I do have family that has watched our son that I trust completely, but I wouldn't be opposed to hiring a friend or neighbor to watch him either. Our DS is 22 months though. I don't know about leaving DS at 13 months I say the same thing to DH, babyhood won't last forever, and he listens. He's not always happy about it, but he has adjusted. We do get creative on where we DTD too since DS is in our bed most of the night. It's not a big deal to either one of us really, since I find that DTD somewhere besides the bed makes things more interesting!

The biggest point I made with DH about a natural birth center birth, no-vaxing, no-circing, extended bfing, was that it was very important to me, something I researched thoroughly, and unless he was willing to put the same time and effort into forming a well educated opinion himself, then he needs to trust me on the issues. I knew he wasn't going to do the research himself, so he eventually left it in my hands. It's not fair for the husbands to have an unsupported ignorant opinion about something when they haven't looked at all angles and positions and formed a well educated opinion. That's just my two cents though

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by kismetbaby

He fully supports BFing, but would rather our DS slept in his own bed, was less "clingy" (DS is only 13mo) and wishes that I was willing to hire a babysitter so we could go out as a couple. (We live far from family and I haven't wanted a stranger with my baby.)

nurture your marriage. Get to know a babysitter, or trade with another mom from LLL.

Spend some time in bed with your DH without the baby there.

I'm totally AP. One of my kids slept with us til she was 5 and I tandem nursed. My kids have only known GD, but the best piece of advice I can give you to figure out how to nurture your marriage.

If I could go back and do one thing in my life differently, that would be it.

[Marissamom]

Originally Posted by kismetbaby

I know I can't be the only one! What gets you through?

To preface this, my DH is a wonderful, caring person and I know he is thrilled to be a dad. And in general he agrees with AP and is letting me make the parenting choices (ex. we co-sleep even though I know this isn't his ideal situation). I know he's struggling a bit with the transition to parenthood.

However, it's hard to be the one making the parenting choices and it's hard to feel that he isn't 100% into the choices I am making. He fully supports BFing, but would rather our DS slept in his own bed, was less "clingy" (DS is only 13mo) and wishes that I was willing to hire a babysitter so we could go out as a couple. (We live far from family and I haven't wanted a stranger with my baby.)

It's really getting me down lately. DS is somewhat high needs and I feel like I need a lot of support from DH, but what I get is "why don't you hire a babysitter" or "he's old enough to fall asleep on his own". And it's starting to affect my feelings for DH.

Any thoughts? Advice? (And no, I probably can't get him to read any parenting books.)

My DF was saying similar things, and when I talked to him about why he told me it was because we weren't taking enough time to have with just the two of us. so we make sure to go out every once in a while (like every couple of months) and we put DD down for the night about an hour before we go to bed, and we really focus on spending time together then. as well as nap time when both of us are home.

the one other thing that was going on is that sleeping all in one bed wasn't working well for us. DD is a squirmy sleeper, and wanted to always be touching both of us, so DF wasn't sleeping well, and we also weren't getting snuggle time. Sometimes it can help to move the kid to a sidecar or mattress on the floor for the first bit of the night.

[Linda on the move]

The other thing I want to add is that the things you listed AREN'T parenting differences. He's not saying, "I think we should spank the baby, feed him pop tarts, and leave him to cry." He's asking you to make a little space in your life for your relationship with him, and that is a very reasonable request.

[kismetbaby]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

The other thing I want to add is that the things you listed AREN'T parenting differences. He's not saying, "I think we should spank the baby, feed him pop tarts, and leave him to cry." He's asking you to make a little space in your life for your relationship with him, and that is a very reasonable request.

I hadn't looked at it this way. I keep *feeling* like he is attacking my AP choices. . .but I think you are right. I guess I've been waiting for him to get on board with parenting in a bigger way and he's waiting for me to make some time to just be his wife for a little while. So we are at this awful stalemate.

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies. I've been tearing up as I read them. . .this is a hard thing for me. But yes, I think I need to honor his needs. I've been so caught up in being a mom and it takes so much energy, its hard to also have the energy for my relationship with DH too.

[GuildJenn]

I just wanted to add that I never left my son with a "stranger" either - and if there is one thing I intend to change this next time around, it's that.

You can take it slow - invite the sitter to be a mother's helper a few times, take your time. There isn't necessarily a rush. But I agree that it would be okay to make this a goal and nuture your marriage (and yourself). In the meantime you can use naps and bedtime (if you are getting ok sleep) to reconnect.

But it is a big, big bonus to the FAMILY to have a trusted caregiver for things that come up - emergency surgery, a date, whatever. I don't personally believe human beings were intended to raise children in nuclear family units with no support. And as I look back I really think that at the very least around a year (and probably a bit earlier) my son really was ready to start experiencing the love and care of other adults.

For co-sleeping, it's really hard to say. My husband is actually the bigger co-sleep proponent in our relationship, but we do play "musical beds" in our house. Sometimes at that age we would both sneak off to the other bed for some time together and then one of us went back to co-sleep.

But it is so so hard I know.

[pianojazzgirl]

I agree with the other posters. I think this is all about spending a little more one-on-one special time with your dh. You say your ds is high-needs, and that takes a lot out of both parents. It can be hard (esp as a mama I think) to switch out of taking-care-of-baby mode and into taking-care-of-the-marriage mode. But it is very important (for your ds as well as you guys!). I've found when dh and I have been stuck in a similar dynamic to what you described I kind of forced myself to give more of my attention and time to him, and only then realized how much I was missing that connection too!

If you are not ready to leave your babe with a babysitter quite yet maybe you can make a special effort to have a late afternoon snack, then put ds to bed as early as possible (I know... usually we don't have much control over this!) and order in some delicious take-out and watch a great movie together. Or get into a hobby together, like even a card game or board game that you love playing that you can't wait to get to when ds is in bed. Or during the day pop ds into his stroller (if you use one) at naptime and walk till he falls asleep and then you and dh go out for lunch/coffee/beer/whatever together.... or go for a run together if that's more your speed!

Something I've done for friends who were going crazy for some "couple time" but were nervous about being too long without their dd and/or too far away in case she needed them was to put her in the stroller, and walk around with her in the immediate vicinity of a cafe where they went for a quicky lunch date. If she got upset (which she didn't ) I could have gotten her reunited with mama in a minute. It was a great success and since then they've felt comfortable leaving her with us for longer periods of time (she just turned two and spent a super happy afternoon with us on the weekend).

Hopefully those ideas help, and I'm sure other mamas will chime in with some more.

[SilverLace]

I think you are getting good advice.

If he gets his own needs met more, he might be more open to some your parenting beliefs.

It's not a traditional date, but breakfast dates have been great for us. So has sex during nap time.

[Bluegoat]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

I just wanted to add that I never left my son with a "stranger" either - and if there is one thing I intend to change this next time around, it's that.

You can take it slow - invite the sitter to be a mother's helper a few times, take your time. There isn't necessarily a rush. But I agree that it would be okay to make this a goal and nuture your marriage (and yourself). In the meantime you can use naps and bedtime (if you are getting ok sleep) to reconnect.

But it is a big, big bonus to the FAMILY to have a trusted caregiver for things that come up - emergency surgery, a date, whatever. I don't personally believe human beings were intended to raise children in nuclear family units with no support. And as I look back I really think that at the very least around a year (and probably a bit earlier) my son really was ready to start experiencing the love and care of other adults.

For co-sleeping, it's really hard to say. My husband is actually the bigger co-sleep proponent in our relationship, but we do play "musical beds" in our house. Sometimes at that age we would both sneak off to the other bed for some time together and then one of us went back to co-sleep.

But it is so so hard I know.

I think this is really true. Sometime around that age most babies are willing to start expanding their circle a bit, and that is a good thing. They are often eating more food, drinking from a cup or bottle, and are interested in interacting with other people. It stinks not to have family near, but in that situation I think it is important to make an effort to find someone that can help out from time to time. And it's true that sometime their could be an emergency - I once had to go get a tooth repaired unexpectedly and it was a real problem not to have anyone who my daughter was used to.

Your husband might feel better if you told him you'll start to look for someone and arrange for your baby to start spending a bit of time with that person so you can have a date, even if it is for a Saturday morning.

Personally, I've had a lot of luck with younger teenagers. I recruited the ones I found from church.

[mattemma04]

I would opt to get the kids in bed earlier and do a nice dinner and movie at home.No need to go out.I never hired a sitter.I might have gone out one time with dh,and even though my mom had the kids I did not really enjoy being out.

For co-sleeping I think it has more to do with intimacy.You could move ds into a toddler bed in your room.Have sex some place else. Just this year I finally have the kids in their own rooms.I did not rush it.

[ErinYay]

I was very fortunate that DH feels as strongly (if not moreso) about our major choices as I do, as I ended up feeling very touched-out by the end of the day when V was cosleeping and nursing a ton. Now, at 11 months, she STTN in her crib (she prefers it) and is nursing for only short periods (again, her choice, which is a blessing and a curse, bc I miss her!), I feel AWESOME at the end of the day, and am ready to be a fun, lovey, touchy wife again.

I think if he had been less accommodating about my reticence to cuddle, talk, etc, we would have changed some things with the way V slept, because, imo, AP ius about meeting EVERYONE'S needs in the best way possible. Sometimes it means momma's needs go on the back burner, sometimes dadda gets neglected, and yes, sometimes baby doesn't come first. If you can find the balance where you all are getting most of what you want and all of what you need, it's really best for everyone.