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just when it was going so well

post #1 of 3
Thread Starter 
I don't normally post much on this forum since my daughter was born and all my personal time vanished! But I really need to talk about this issue to people who don't think that co-sleeping is the invention of the devil.

We've had 5 and half months of wonderful co-sleeping and while it has it's downsides I've really enjoyed the benefits and the closeness. In the beginning I seemed to have a deep intuitive bond with my baby, waking just as she stirred etc. In fact my husband mentioned a few times how I would sleep soundly regardless of what he did, but as soon as the baby whimpered I was wide awake.

But I think that is starting to fade and last night I had a bit of a frightening experience. I half-woke out of a dream thinking that my baby's arms were turned the wrong way and went to fix them. Somewhere in my foggy awareness I realised that I better wake myself properly before touching her. I woke up fully, realising that she was perfectly fine, but absolutely horrified that I could have hurt her or bent her arm or something if I hadn't woken up fully. I don't know if that makes any sense whatsoever! It's so hard to describe something as unreal as a dream, or the multiple layers of thought processes that happen in that waking/dreaming state.

Lots of times, I've nursed her in the night barely waking to do so. And until now I've trusted my intuition with her and never felt that I would roll on her or do anything in anyway to hurt her. Now I'm not so sure.

On the one hand I'd love to take comfort from the fact that even in the middle of a very foggy dream, some part of me knew that I HAD to wake up to keep her safe. But I think I have to take this as a warning that it's time to move her out of our bed.

I'm heartbroken! And I feel almost ill thinking of putting her to sleep away from me. Oh I know I sound ridiculously dramatic but until now I've felt like I was looking after her through the night, that I'd be right there if anything went wrong. I feel like I'm failing her now to put her away from me.

My older son slept in the nursery from an early age and we didn't co-sleep, but knowing that he was fine doesn't really help right now.

I suppose I'm just sad to end it like this. I imagined that we would eventually have a more baby-led transition to a big girl's bed. But I suppose there was always the danger that my husband would evict her first!

Has anyone else been through this?
post #2 of 3
Oh, mama, I personally would not feel that this is a sign that you need to stop co-sleeping - especially if you are feeling so sad at the prospect of it! I have had the same experience a few times in my 14 mos of co-sleeping, semi-waking, dreaming that something needed to be adjusted with DD's blanket, etc. I think the take-away is that you woke up - and didn't do a shred of harm to your DD. You used your same mama-sense and intuition, just as you would for nursing her. Unless you are in a deep sleep induced by alcohol or drugs (clearly not!) and using the standard guidelines, co-sleeping is perfectly safe. Trust yourself!!
post #3 of 3
I have had the same feeling before, that DD's arms are twisted the wrong way and that I needed to fix them, only to realize that nothing was wrong. I understand your worry but I wouldn't stop co-sleeping because of it. Does your baby sleep between you and your DH?
I feel most comfortable co-sleeping with baby sleeping on side of bed next to a bed rail (me on the other side of her). I have one of those breathable/mesh-sided bed rails. By five months or so I've felt pretty comfortable that my baby would kick me or cry if something were wrong.
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