Helping the kids adjust to a new family

[~Nikki~]

The background on this one is that my ex-husband has been dating a woman for a couple of months, and has informed me he will be marrying her. She has a daughter from a previous relationship that she has full custody of, and I have custody of my two children. Their father sees them at his convenience on weekends here or there.

He pulled me aside when I went to pick them up yesterday, and informed me that he wants to know why they're fighting so much, apparantly violently (hitting and such). They don't do that at my house, so I didn't really know what to say. After speaking to the kids, I'm getting a more clear picture. They're being compared to the "stepmother's" daughter, a single child her whole life who has never had siblings to bicker with. They keep coming to me and saying "We need to be as good as Lily" and "I'm a really bad boy, you hate me." and "Lily is good all the time but I'm bad 10 times a day."

This is new.

I have a feeling they're being unfairly compared to the new step-sister, and I really don't know what to do about it to help them through this. I'm trying to assure them that they're good kids (they really are!), but think that maybe the pressure over there to be "as good as Lily" is making them act out. I've brought this up with my ex, but he refuses to acknowledge it as a possible cause and instead thinks they're still coping with our divorce (don't seem to be...but who knows?)

Don't really know how to handle this one. It really sucks for the kids.

Oh, and the stepmother told them to call her Mom, on top of that, so it doesn't confuse her daughter. Was pretty livid about that!!

[doubledutch]

uh, sounds like your ex and his fiancee need parenting lessons. you can't do anything about that, unfortunately. i guess i'd just keep reinforcing to your children that they are good, and that bad behavior does not ever make them bad.

does your ex have a court-ordered visitation schedule? i would push hard for him to stick to that. some of your kids' behavior may be more about their relationship with their dad, rather than the pressure of matching another child's good behavior (although that doesn't help, especially if they think she's taking their place as part of daddy's "new" family).

i'm sorry your kids are hurting, and that you're left to pick up the pieces. i think the really good thing for your kids is that they spend most of their time with you. yes it sucks that their dad and his fiancee are emotionally clueless, apparently, but at least that isn't your kids' life day-in and day-out. if you keep providing that reassurance and stability for them, they will ultimately be okay.

[~Nikki~]

They do spend most of the time with me, and I'm doing my best to give positive reinforcement and reassure them they're good kids. My partner does, as well. They can fight at times just like every set of siblings does, but it's certainly not out of hand. Part of the issue is probably that they get a lot more separate time at my house as they go out and play with their separate friends, whereas with their father they're all cooped up in the same house for the weekend with Princess Perfect.

We do have a court-ordered schedule, and they're supposed to be with him every weekend. This was in lieu of 50/50 custody, so it was worth sacrificing my weekends. It's the only thing he would agree to, but mainly for appearances sake. He doesn't actually take them every weekend because it'd impede on his social life. When he does have them, they're dumped at his parent's house overnight more often than not, so he can go out to parties with his newest girlfriend. It makes me sad to hear about it when they come home on Sundays.

I've tried talking to him about the new family dynamic, but he's still insisting that Lily and the new girlfriend have nothing to do with their outbursts and anger, and that they're still "recovering from the divorce" which was, of course, my fault. :P