A vent about "Granny Nanny" and advice requested

[ToadJode]

I'm about to lose my mind, and any advice or suggestions will be very much appreciated.

I had twin girls in September. Unfortunately, I had to come back to work full time 4 weeks after they were born. My Mom lives with us, so luckily for her, she gets to be a full time granny nanny while the girls' father and I work.

A little background...my mom was an OB nurse for many years, and stopped working in a hospital setting after I was born 27 years ago. For the past 16 years, she babysat children in her home for teachers that worked at the schools down the street from her. My father passed away last November, and my Mom decided to move down to Florida to live near me, and when I got pregnant, we decided it would be best financially and logistically for all of us if she moved in with my boyfriend and me since she would be watching the kids when I came back to work.

Now, it's hard enough for me to get up every day to come to work and leave my kids, but it's been even harder on me lately because my Mom argues EVERYTHING I say about the way I want to raise the girls.

Examples:
-She wanted to feed them rice cereal mixed with their formula to help them sleep better, and when I told her about all the research saying that it's bad for the children, she responded "I've been raising children my whole life, I know what I'm doing." When I told her the Doctor said absolutely not to give them rice cereal at this age, she got huffy and rolled her eyes at me.
-She wants me to fully vaccinate, when I want to selectively vaccinate. She even said I have to vaccinate for CPox b/c of how dangerous it is, even though *I* was never vaccinated and had the CPox in first grade and (surprisingly!) lived through it.
-She thinks letting the babies cry it out is perfectly acceptable, and I'm afraid she's doing this to them while I'm at work.
-She wants to use fragranced/dyed lotions on the girls, and I want to use cetaphil. I made a comment that I was going to throw out the bottle of pink lotion and she replied that if I do, she'll just go buy another bottle and continue to use it.
-When we talk about foods and nutrition for the future, she insists that organic isn't necessary and that I have to let my girls indulge in sweets and stuff because that's what kids do.
-When we talk about television, I tell her I used to have nightmares from watching crime shows with her at a young age and I won't do that to with children and she tells me I'm crazy.
-When we talk about toys, I tell her I don't want the kids to have loads and loads of stuff, and she tells me I can't deprive them of things like that. (I didn't say they can't have ANY toys, just that they don't need a bazillion things)

Anyway, I could go on and on and on about the stuff we argue over. I'm so stressed out because I can't find a way to express to her that I appreciate her help, but I will make the decisions in regards to their upbringing and she must abide by those rules. She takes everything so personally, and whenever I bring up something I don't like, she freaks out. I also get the "You can't raise a child by going by things you read on the internet and you should just do what comes naturally to you."

I'm at my wits' end. I don't want to to fight with her about everything in regards to parenting for the rest of my life, but I can't get her to see things my way at all!

Has anyone else dealt with this?? What did you do?? Were you ever able to get any sanity back in your life??

[nannymom]

That sounds really hard and exausting.
I would take a look at everything that really matters and then I would break it into categories: what can you let go of, what is absolutly non negotiable and what can you drop as an issue because she has no control over it.
For Example:
There is no point in fretting now over the twins eating candy but they can't eat rice cereal period. Or choose a lotion that she likes but meets your natural product requirements. Her opinions about vaccines are a non issue you control that.

I know it is hard because you rely on her but you need to remember that they are your children and you control what happens to them. She probably feels insulted by you making different choices than the ones she has made but perhaps if you discuss it in a colabritive "we both want what's best for the twins" way it would help.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Heres what I would do, so keep in mind that I'm a different person than you, and you may want to do things differently.

I would NOT:
Allow CIO at ALL - but make sure she knows that you understand there will be times that she cannot meet both twin's needs at the same time. There is a difference between CIO, and a baby crying.
Allow cereal in a bottle. It's a choking hazard, and non-negotiable.

I WOULD allow:
Fragranced lotion. It's not on my list of bad things. Maybe see if she likes the scent of Earth Mama Angel Baby? It smells amazing, but is natural.
Toys. If she wants to buy them toys, let her.
As for the TV - they're itty bitty right? Drop it fr now. Learn to say, "Thats interesting, pass the bean dip"

I would tell her the girls vax's have been taken care of, and leave that be too - its not like she'll be taking them to the dr to get them vaxed.

As for non-negotiables, if she's totally unwilling to abide, you're going to have to find a way to fire her as granny nanny if she won't do things your way (CIO, cereal in the bottle, others that you may not have listed). It's a tough reality, but if you're desperate enough that you can't fire her at all, you're going to have to live with her choices.

Oh, and as for the "follow your instincts thing" - STOP telling her about what you read online, and tell her you ARE following your instincts. Have your instincts told you to let the girls CIO? NO - you didn't just read about that online.

[ToadJode]

You two are right, I really do get worked up about future stresses when I should just cross that bridge when we get to it. I just remember being a fat, unhealthy child and I do NOT want that for my kids, so it is something that is constantly on my mind.

In regards to the vaccines, she DOES come to the Doctor with me because I need the extra help with them right now. I have told her it's non-negotiable and she can't change that, but it doesn't mean I get a pass on listening to her judgements about it.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE and APPRECIATE my mother and everything she does for us, but she can drive me crazy at the same time.

[~pi]

mama. Mothers can be so powerful.

Here is the key issue: You don't need her to agree with you; you just need her to respect your authority as the parent here.

Stop arguing with her over things that have nothing whatsoever to do with caring for your infants right now. Learn to repeat the phrase, calmly and without emotion, "Mom, I am the twins' mother. What DB and I say goes. This is not up for discussion." Refuse to engage. Try phrases like (very bored, distracted voice), "Uh-huh. Yeah, Mom, we've already talked about that. No need to rehash it. Bottom line: I am the twins' mother. What DB and I say goes. This is not up for discussion."

Would it be financially viable for you to look for other child care? If yes, consider telling her, e.g., "Mom, it's hard enough for me to leave them every day as it is. If I can't trust you to care for them according to my standards, I'm going to have to start investigating other options."

Again, . That sounds very difficult.

[lynsage]

Get another nanny ASAP and let her be Grandma, not caretaker. If you had a nanny that argued with you, rolled her eyes and openly fought you on your decisions like this, you'd fire her! No amount of money saved on a sitter is worth leaving your kids with someone you can't trust to follow your rules.

If she's willing to go as far as to replace something you threw away because you didn't want it used on your kids, I am willing to bet that her next steps are rice cereal and CIO, if she's not doing one or both of those behind your back already! Hire another sitter who will follow your rules and tell your mom you've decided it would be best for her to just relax and be Grandma and let someone else handle the child care.

As far as the stuff that's not directly related to child care goes, I'd just stop discussing it with her and take the bean dip approach.

Originally Posted by ToadJode

I'm so stressed out because I can't find a way to express to her that I appreciate her help, but I will make the decisions in regards to their upbringing and she must abide by those rules.

Have you tried saying exactly those words to her and refusing to argue about it?

[EdnaMarie]

s

I think thyra said it well.

Originally Posted by thyra

Heres what I would do, so keep in mind that I'm a different person than you, and you may want to do things differently.

I would NOT:
Allow CIO at ALL - but make sure she knows that you understand there will be times that she cannot meet both twin's needs at the same time. There is a difference between CIO, and a baby crying.
Allow cereal in a bottle. It's a choking hazard, and non-negotiable.

I WOULD allow:
Fragranced lotion. It's not on my list of bad things. Maybe see if she likes the scent of Earth Mama Angel Baby? It smells amazing, but is natural.
Toys. If she wants to buy them toys, let her.
As for the TV - they're itty bitty right? Drop it fr now. Learn to say, "Thats interesting, pass the bean dip"

I would tell her the girls vax's have been taken care of, and leave that be too - its not like she'll be taking them to the dr to get them vaxed.

As for non-negotiables, if she's totally unwilling to abide, you're going to have to find a way to fire her as granny nanny if she won't do things your way (CIO, cereal in the bottle, others that you may not have listed). It's a tough reality, but if you're desperate enough that you can't fire her at all, you're going to have to live with her choices.

Oh, and as for the "follow your instincts thing" - STOP telling her about what you read online, and tell her you ARE following your instincts. Have your instincts told you to let the girls CIO? NO - you didn't just read about that online.

[GuildJenn]

I don't know if this helps but I hope so. I had a frank discussion with my mother at one point and I said "If I make mistakes, then I make them but the parenting mistakes have to be mine." She got it then.

I wouldn't get too much into the research etc. - I would just say it's what I want and that's it.

[ToadJode]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

I don't know if this helps but I hope so. I had a frank discussion with my mother at one point and I said "If I make mistakes, then I make them but the parenting mistakes have to be mine." She got it then.

I wouldn't get too much into the research etc. - I would just say it's what I want and that's it.

This is probably the best idea for me.

I want her to watch my children, I just don't want it to be an argument all the time. I'm not going to fire her and hire someone else.

It takes 2 to argue, and I just need to stop arguing, be more firm, and not discuss things that don't need discussing.

[texmati]

to be honest, we haired an nanny even though MIL lived with us. (I had a terrible relationship with her). With my parents, I simply don't trust them to follow instructions regarding food etc. It's sad, because we are close, but they just don't listen!

[mamaofprincesses]

Totally not taking her side, but maybe in the interest of keeping the peace, you could find some things to ask her opinion on. How to swaddle them the best way, burping techniques, whatever (I know you probably know all of that already). Just to let her know that you DO value her and her opinions. Or ask her to tell you stories about your babyhood.

And totally practice the lines that firmly tell her you've got this .

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by ToadJode

In regards to the vaccines, she DOES come to the Doctor with me because I need the extra help with them right now. I have told her it's non-negotiable and she can't change that, but it doesn't mean I get a pass on listening to her judgements about it.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE and APPRECIATE my mother and everything she does for us, but she can drive me crazy at the same time.

Even if she goes to the Dr., you ARE taking care of the vaccines - just not the way she wants you to. So say, "Mom, I'm taking care of the vaxes the way I've decided is best for my dd's. Pass the bean dip."

Originally Posted by ToadJode

I want her to watch my children, I just don't want it to be an argument all the time. I'm not going to fire her and hire someone else.

If you aren't going to fire her, then you are stuck with the way she does things. You just are. You can't change someone when they refuse to change.

You can have frank discussions with her, but if she wants the girls to CIO when you're not home, then thats what they'll do.

[Ellien C]

Originally Posted by thyra

Even if she goes to the Dr., you ARE taking care of the vaccines - just not the way she wants you to. So say, "Mom, I'm taking care of the vaxes the way I've decided is best for my dd's. Pass the bean dip."

If you aren't going to fire her, then you are stuck with the way she does things. You just are. You can't change someone when they refuse to change.

You can have frank discussions with her, but if she wants the girls to CIO when you're not home, then thats what they'll do.

I have to agree with this. It's really one of the trade-offs in having an "arms length" professional care provider, vs. loving trusted family member. Again, you won't change her mind and your goal isn't to get her to agree with you or think you are right. You just need her to respect your decisions. Much harder when it's your own mother - who really wants the best for you.

[_ktg_]

I agree 100% with what Thyra said, but in addition I think you need to have frank conversations about your parenting style and expectations in raising these children.
This is how I would approach the conversation:

You are their mother, not her and yes you survived/thrived in childhood and appreciate the choices she made, its your turn now to take all the wonderful advice and experience she gave you and put it into action in raising your children in your own way.

You will have consider consequences if she chooses not to respect your parenting decisions and let her know of those consequences.

[jeminijad]

Originally Posted by thyra

You can have frank discussions with her, but if she wants the girls to CIO when you're not home, then thats what they'll do.

Yep.

You need to realize this.

[TCMoulton]

Originally Posted by ToadJode

My Mom lives with us, so luckily for her, she gets to be a full time granny nanny while the girls' father and I work.

Shouldn't this say luckily for you because you are the one receiving free childcare from someone who loves your children very much? Honestly, is it possible that your mom senses your frustration which is making her feel unappreciated. She really is doing a huge favor for you, even if you aren't happy with the way she does things. I guess you just need to decide if your differences are deal breakers or not and move on from there.

[elisheva]

Originally Posted by TCMoulton

Shouldn't this say luckily for you because you are the one receiving free childcare from someone who loves your children very much? Honestly, is it possible that your mom senses your frustration which is making her feel unappreciated. She really is doing a huge favor for you, even if you aren't happy with the way she does things. I guess you just need to decide if your differences are deal breakers or not and move on from there.

Thinking someone was letting my babes CIO would be a *huge* dealbreaker for me. You can be thankful and not be a doormat.

[ToadJode]

Originally Posted by TCMoulton

Shouldn't this say luckily for you because you are the one receiving free childcare from someone who loves your children very much? Honestly, is it possible that your mom senses your frustration which is making her feel unappreciated. She really is doing a huge favor for you, even if you aren't happy with the way she does things. I guess you just need to decide if your differences are deal breakers or not and move on from there.

I say luckily for her because she gets to stay at home and spend the day with the babies while I'm stuck at work and would much rather be at home raising my kids.

I tell her all the time how much I appreciate her help...but she still takes it personally whenever I say I want to do something a certain way. I honestly think she takes it as though I'm saying I don't like the way I was raised because I plan to do things a bit differently.

[CallMeMommy]

Originally Posted by ToadJode

when I told her about all the research saying that it's bad for the children, she responded "I've been raising children my whole life, I know what I'm doing."

That's when you say "I know, and these are MY kids to raise, so I'll be making the decisions for them."

[JudiAU]

That sounds really hard. Personally, I think you should think long and hard about different childcare when you are away from your twins. Your mom is probably not going to change her practices regardless of what you say.

Also, I really understand the "how lucky she is" comment but I would be careful about her feelings too. Taking care of an infant is difficult work, taking care of twins even hard. No amount of love in the world makes it "not work."