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So upset....leaving 1 child out of a brithday party?!

post #1 of 170
Thread Starter 
My DD (7) goes to a very small private school. There are only 4 girls in her year at school. She was very upset today because we watched as the other 3 girls all left school together to go to the birthday party of one girl.

This is my DD's second year at the school. She received an invite last year (and we bought a very cool present I think lol). And the girl was invited to my DD's party. My DD isn't best friends with this girl or anything, but I've never heard of any issues/fighting/problems. She seemed very confused about why she wasn't invited. I ran into one of the other moms later and she said that only girls who were at the school for the preschool years were invited this year. ???? That is ridiculous! She confirmed there were no invitations...it was verbal. Why invite her last year but not this year?

The mom seems like a nice enough person. She has a fairly high-profile business in the area. I just can't imagine excluding ONE child in such a small class.

Honestly I am seething right now. Even if my DD said she didn't want to invite one of the girls, I would tell her too bad....it is all of them or none of them. But then again, what can I do? Nothing. I am planning my DD's party and I feel like not inviting her kid, but of course I wouldn't do that. Because it is tacky, cruel and horrible.
post #2 of 170
That is truly awful and painful. Probably more for you than your dd. Totally crass and tasteless on that mothers part. I don't have any advice just
post #3 of 170
I'm not on board with the "invite the whole class" trend in cases where there are 20+ kids in a class, but your case with just a handful of girls in the class definitely seems exclusionary -- I'm sorry she did that. I bet your DD is really upset, I would be too!
post #4 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post
I'm not on board with the "invite the whole class" trend in cases where there are 20+ kids in a class, but your case with just a handful of girls in the class definitely seems exclusionary -- I'm sorry she did that. I bet your DD is really upset, I would be too!
post #5 of 170
Thread Starter 
No, I don't believe you have an obligation to invite the whole class either if it is big. But it is such a small school and it was so obvious (they even waved to my DD as she walked by!). I can't believe an adult would want to make a 7 year old child feel bad about herself. She asked me what was wrong with her and why she wasn't allowed to go to the party. Sigh.
post #6 of 170
Have your dd tell the other girls that it really hurt to see them leaving for a party she wasn't invited to. Nothing more than that statement of fact and then move on. If the other girls have normal empathy, it'll guarantee that they'll at least be more subtle if it ever comes up again that someone in a group isn't part of a separate activity.


And as for the other mom, what was WRONG with her?? I mean, I could see if there were a number of new girls, but leaving out the ONE new girl??

And I have to say, I know it's petty, but if it were my dd when it was her birthday I wouldn't be able to help but make a few remarks about how I made sure to include everyone.
post #7 of 170
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post
And I have to say, I know it's petty, but if it were my dd when it was her birthday I wouldn't be able to help but make a few remarks about how I made sure to include everyone.
LOL I have lots of petty things going on in my head right now. I will try hard not to act on any of them. But jeez, I can't get over how ridiculous and rude that was!
post #8 of 170
That would really hurt my DD, and so it would really hurt me, too. Give your DD lots of extra hugs and attention in the next few days! We also go to a small private school, and the school rule is that no one can talk about a birthday party at school unless everyone in the class is invited. The kids all know the rule and are good about following it, so perhaps you could suggest that to the principal at your school.
post #9 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommahhh View Post
No, I don't believe you have an obligation to invite the whole class either if it is big. But it is such a small school and it was so obvious (they even waved to my DD as she walked by!). I can't believe an adult would want to make a 7 year old child feel bad about herself. She asked me what was wrong with her and why she wasn't allowed to go to the party. Sigh.
That is so sad Hugs to your DD!
With a school that small, I think it is horrible that the mother allowed that. I would probably not be able to resist talking to her and just telling her straight out what your DD said.
It makes no sense at all to have invited her last year and not this year!
post #10 of 170
That's awful!
post #11 of 170
That is rotten. I'm sorry she had to deal with this.
post #12 of 170
Playing devil's advocate here... what if the venue where the child wanted to have her party had a limited number allowed? Sometimes, it's $X for the first 5 kids, then $X additional whether you have 6 or 10. That is, she would have had to pay for 5 additional kids if even 1 was added.

Or, what about the number of seats in the parent's vehicle? They could safely transport X number of kids. Or she just didn't want to invite your dd? Or she just forgot to invite her?

And if there is someone my dd doesn't want at her party, I would COMPLETELY respect her about that. I don't want people *I* don't like at my birthday parties. Why is it any different for a child?

It's difficult to be excluded, but it's a part of life and a valuable lesson. You can and will be the only one left out at times. It's tough, but something that at some point has to be addressed. Now's a great time in your case.
post #13 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by velochic View Post
Playing devil's advocate here... what if the venue where the child wanted to have her party had a limited number allowed? Sometimes, it's $X for the first 5 kids, then $X additional whether you have 6 or 10. That is, she would have had to pay for 5 additional kids if even 1 was added.

Or, what about the number of seats in the parent's vehicle? They could safely transport X number of kids. Or she just didn't want to invite your dd? Or she just forgot to invite her?

And if there is someone my dd doesn't want at her party, I would COMPLETELY respect her about that. I don't want people *I* don't like at my birthday parties. Why is it any different for a child?

It's difficult to be excluded, but it's a part of life and a valuable lesson. You can and will be the only one left out at times. It's tough, but something that at some point has to be addressed. Now's a great time in your case.
I started out thinking this too. I know that spa type parties at salons often have a hard cap on numbers. It's very possible that the mom could only accommodate three kids in her car safely. That all makes sense.

However, when the OP ran into one of the moms, and the mom acknowledged the exclusion without the tiniest bit of sympathy or explanation (since I don't think "only kids who went to preschool together" is a real reason), then it really started to sound crap to me!

It's true that disappointment is a part of life. However, you'd think that these moms would be more inclined to teach their children a lesson about being kind and mindful of other people's feelings - especially considering the size of the class and the age of the kids.

Our oldest asked to invite the whole class to her sixth birthday party specifically because she didn't want anyone to be sad that they weren't invited. She took it in stride when she wasn't invited to some of the parties at school, but it was really nice to know that we were raising a child who thought about how her actions would make somebody else feel.

Everybody can't be included all the time, but that doesn't give license to be horrible to a seven year old girl for no particular reason.
post #14 of 170
The etiquette generally is that if you want to invite almost everybody, you invite everybody. If you're only inviting a smaller percentage of people, then it's no biggie.

Maybe do something special with her in lieu of her going to that party, but sadly this is just the first stop on the exclusion express. It goes on and on through high school and beyond. All kids get excluded sometimes, though knowing that might not make your dd feel better.
post #15 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommahhh View Post
I just can't imagine excluding ONE child in such a small class.
so she invited the boys too? or are there no boys?

i am lost about this. i empathise with you OP but at 7 i see my dd becoming v. picky about whom she invites to her bday party.

its something i struggle with too. because i have been on both ends. while i encourage dd not to leave out people, i do go with whatever dd wants.

i empathise with my dd and sit and support her.

however i do not stay mad at the mom or that family. it has happened over girl scouts for us where dd was the only one not invited at one party. however that girl and dd just dont get along.
post #16 of 170
I do not know what to say but could it be she was simply forgotten when the mom did th invites? It has hapend tote best of us...
On the other hand when this happens to my daughter (more often in a class of 22) I tell her that not every houe is vey big and that when I was a child I was only allowed to invite five children. It might be that there is a rule like this.
Although I understand you are upset for your daughter's experience, our children need to learn that they are not always invited to every activity. I try to do something fun with her or invite a friend over who is not from that school.
post #17 of 170
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by velochic View Post
Playing devil's advocate here... what if the venue where the child wanted to have her party had a limited number allowed? Sometimes, it's $X for the first 5 kids, then $X additional whether you have 6 or 10. That is, she would have had to pay for 5 additional kids if even 1 was added.

Or, what about the number of seats in the parent's vehicle? They could safely transport X number of kids. Or she just didn't want to invite your dd? Or she just forgot to invite her?

And if there is someone my dd doesn't want at her party, I would COMPLETELY respect her about that. I don't want people *I* don't like at my birthday parties. Why is it any different for a child?

It's difficult to be excluded, but it's a part of life and a valuable lesson. You can and will be the only one left out at times. It's tough, but something that at some point has to be addressed. Now's a great time in your case.
Just to clarify a few points (not that it matters either way, it is over and done with)....

1) She held the party in her (very large) home. The same place it was held last year, right around the corner from the school. So it wasn't a case of not having enough room in a venue.

2) Last year the parents just drove their kids to the party and picked them up. So she didn't have to not invite one child due to lack of space in her van.

3) She didn't forget. She did it on purpose. My kid only started last year, so she didn't go there for pre-school (but the other 3 girls did). She only invited kids that went to pre-school together (even though my DD was invited to the party last year). Therefore, in a normal universe it appears she is using a stupid, flimsy excuse to exclude 1 child.

4) The boys weren't invited (there are a lot more boys in the class). Only the girls. Minus 1 girl, that is.

5) My DD and the girl get along fine. DD even saved certain silly-bands for this girl because she loves horses.

Sorry for the novel. So yes, while I agree that being excluded is a part of life and a lesson you need to learn, I really do NOT agree that it needs to be so bloody harsh and happen in grade 1! This isn't high school. I can understand if there was some ongoing "issue" between the 2 girls, but there isn't. I think if more parents would do their job and teach their offspring that this is NOT ok, then there might not be so much exclusion in the later years (not saying it was the girl's fault....sounds more like the mom made this dumb rule). Treating 1 girl like this damages self-esteem and makes her feel like an outsider. And like I said, she's only 7!! My personal feeling is that any parent who thinks this is ok is a little evil.
post #18 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommahhh View Post

Sorry for the novel. So yes, while I agree that being excluded is a part of life and a lesson you need to learn, I really do NOT agree that it needs to be so bloody harsh and happen in grade 1! This isn't high school. I can understand if there was some ongoing "issue" between the 2 girls, but there isn't. I think if more parents would do their job and teach their offspring that this is NOT ok, then there might not be so much exclusion in the later years (not saying it was the girl's fault....sounds more like the mom made this dumb rule). Treating 1 girl like this damages self-esteem and makes her feel like an outsider. And like I said, she's only 7!! My personal feeling is that any parent who thinks this is ok is a little evil.
I think you need to chill out a bit. This happens EVERY year with girls - its not limited to high school, and as much as parents try, it can't be eliminated. I think your energy would be better spent empathizing with your dd about how yes it hurts, and its not fair, but she's still an awesome little girl. NOT placing blame (when really, you have no idea who made up the rule - the mother could have just been the messenger), and getting angry about it. It happens, it will happen to your dd more than once. Should it? No. Will it? Yes. It's part of life, it sucks, but thats life.
post #19 of 170
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by thyra View Post
I think you need to chill out a bit.
Yeah, I know.

Quote:
Originally Posted by thyra View Post
the mother could have just been the messenger
Are you serious?? At 7? You would let a 7 year old make a cruel decision like that? Just...wow. But whatever. At least I know there are all kinds out there.

peace.
post #20 of 170
I just think that was so mean. The least the mom could've done was tell her dd not to talk about the party in front of your dd. I agree there will be times when kids exclude other kids but why is the mom not getting that it hurt your dd?? I was watching 20/20 a few weeks ago. It was the episode on bullying and there was a psychologist on...Gail Saltz or something and she said how sad it was that parents aren't teaching their kids to be kind. It's like the majority only care about good grades and excelling in sports and kindness isn't important. Well, I don't buy it. It is great to try to do your best and all that but what matters most is who you are as a person. Looks like the mean girl crap is starting in first grade.
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