So upset....leaving 1 child out of a brithday party?! - Page 6

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by velochic

I guess I'm still wondering how as AP parents we can advocate for our children to have their feelings validated, but tell them that they have to have people at their birthday party that they don't want to be there.

It is pretty simple, really. "You don't have to be best friends, but you do have to be kind. Inviting all but one girl is unkind and unacceptable. How would you like to handle it? Would you like to invite all the girls? Would you rather choose just one classmate and do something special rather than having a party with all the girls? Do you have a different idea that would work?"

It is teaching kindness. If they really don't want to spend their birthday with that child, there are ways around it. But inviting everyone except that child is not an option I'd allow my child.

Originally Posted by serenbat

and how does a school deal with this? is the school to force a parent to make a child invite everyone? could not the BOYS parents complain-where does the line get crossed? in this situation what was the school to do- have the party canceled or force the child to be invited?

From the time I was a child, it has been generally accepted in the places I live that it is ok to have "girls only" or "boys only" parties. So the boys complaining is not a realistic possibility, ime.

No one is talking about having the school force the issue. It helps for the school to have a guideline/recommendation, but it is, of course, up to the individual parents to support it.

[mommahhh]

Originally Posted by thyra

ETA - I also don't like how some sarcasm is coming through in your posts. If you can't post sincerely, can you please just not post? When you post on a web-board, you get a lot of different perspectives, and saying that we're from different universes is kinda rude.

Yes I suppose I am being somewhat sarcastic. I guess that is my way of dealing with what I find impossible to understand. Sorry. By saying we are from different universes I meant different areas. Here, there is just no way that boys not being invited to a party is a problem. It is simply a non-issue. Nobody takes offense. Everyone does it. It is not the same at all in my area as leaving out one girl. So to bring it up is really just muddying the waters because I'm sure there wasn't one boy that felt left out. The girls don't get invited to the boy's parties either (and I know my DD doesn't care or feel left out).

Also, I just wanted to add that I am being sincere. I am sincerely glad to have the opportunity to see what people think. Because for the life of me I cannot understand/fathom how any thinking/caring/kind person could do such a thing. So to hear from people who obviously seem to think it is ok is enlightening. Not that I agree with that way of thinking. But enlightening nonetheless.

[madskye]

Originally Posted by mommahhh

Anyway, if you cannot understand how it is different to exclude 1 girl from an all-girl party than excluding the 9 boys in the class, then sorry, I guess we are just from different universes. Boys and girls don't have co-ed parties here. I'm sure the boys really didn't want to make beaded bracelets and have a tea party anyway.

But OP, I think that's exactly the attitude Velochic was talking about. What if it was a Hannah Montana party, and at some point your DD said she wasn't into Hannah Montana? So the birthday girl said "So and So doesn't like Hannah Montana, she won't care if she's invited or not..."

I understand that it's a small class and the girls are all the same sex, but that doesn't automatically make them a group with common interests--or actually friends. I feel that either you can't pick and choose boys or girls or this one not that one...or you do choose and peoples feelings are understandably hurt.

I can hear that you are hurting for your daughter--but rather than MAXIMIZE the situation with these terrible bully girls and their horrible mothers who have purposely excluded DD--why not minimize it? Your daughter is one of the majority of the class who was not invited. It might not feel like that because of her sex, but it is true.

Anyway, I hope your DD makes some true friends this year and is able to move past this with the resilience of youth.

[mommahhh]

Originally Posted by madskye

But OP, I think that's exactly the attitude Velochic was talking about. What if it was a Hannah Montana party, and at some point your DD said she wasn't into Hannah Montana? So the birthday girl said "So and So doesn't like Hannah Montana, she won't care if she's invited or not..."

They are 7, not 12. If my kid said that, then I would say: "Okay, let's just invite her anyway and let her know the theme. Then she can decide if she wants to come". Maybe other people have 7 year olds that are way more mature than mine/these children at her school. But they are still little kids here and need their parents to help them make appropriate choices!!

Originally Posted by madskye

I can hear that you are hurting for your daughter--but rather than MAXIMIZE the situation with these terrible bully girls and their horrible mothers who have purposely excluded DD--why not minimize it?

Just to be clear, I am only venting/hurting HERE in this message board. My DD has no idea (and yes, trust me on that....she doesn't know how I feel). I totally minimized the whole thing and took her out for a fun evening. I'm not maximizing anything in real life with the "horrible mother"....I haven't done anything/said anything. I'm not stalking her or emailing her or phoning her. Like I've already said, I will speak to the school low-key at some point just to get a better idea of the group dynamic and to make sure there are no issues. And her DD will still be invited to DD's party, just like last year.

[madskye]

I guess reading your posts, it sounds more like you are getting more worked up than feeling any better about the situation or really getting anything positive out of this?

Sometimes the internet hurts more than helps, you know?

[Youngfrankenstein]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

That's awful

But, if no one RSVP'd, why not call a few days ahead and check if they were planning to attend? Did you have your ds ask his friends if they were coming?

I had a new baby at the time. His party was on his birthday which is New Years Day. He hadn't been to school for two weeks when it happened. I think most invitations got left in backpacks. I didn't have their phone numbers. We aren't going to try to celebrate on his birthday this year. We took a chance last year and it made him suffer.

[Youngfrankenstein]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

It is teaching kindness. If they really don't want to spend their birthday with that child, there are ways around it. But inviting everyone except that child is not an option I'd allow my child.


.

All of this....I think this sums up the whole point.

[ChetMC]

???

Originally Posted by madskye

I guess reading your posts, it sounds more like you are getting more worked up than feeling any better about the situation or really getting anything positive out of this?

Sometimes the internet hurts more than helps, you know?

Did you mean this for the OP? I thought that her plan sounded really sensible.

[bea694]

OP, I'm sorry your daughter was excluded in this manner, especially at such a tender age. This sort of thing really makes me dread sending my children to school.

Originally Posted by Youngfrankenstein

At my son's 9th b-day NO ONE came to his party. No one called or R.S.V.P.'d either. It was such a painful day for all of us.

Mama. I felt an immediate ache in the pit of my stomach when I read this. I'm so sorry you and your son had to go through this.

[madskye]

Originally Posted by ChetMC

Did you mean this for the OP? I thought that her plan sounded really sensible.

I did . But, that's true that she now has a plan. Maybe the posts helped with the plan. Hope so!

[mommahhh]

Originally Posted by madskye

I guess reading your posts, it sounds more like you are getting more worked up than feeling any better about the situation or really getting anything positive out of this?

Sometimes the internet hurts more than helps, you know?

Yep, I know! Yes, I am worked up on here. Not outwardly in real life. I take her to school, I smile, I act like nothing happened. Because really, I have no idea what to do/say. I am just trying to formulate a plan so it doesn't happen again. I don't want to start a "thing" with the other mother or anything like that. It is a small school.

But inside, I am so mad. And hurt for DD. And insulted. Etc, etc. All the raw emotions, you know? But only you guys know it. lol And I suppose I'm getting somewhat worked up on here because whenever someone responds with the attitude of "that's no big deal" or "so what, it isn't a trip to outerspace" or "she needs to learn this lesson" (i'm paraphrasing ) I feel like I'm speaking directly to that mother who made my little girl cry.


ETA: thank you, thank you to everyone who responded letting me know that this behavior isn't ok in your books. It really did make me feel so much better. xo

[velochic]

Originally Posted by mommahhh

See these replies are awesome!! Because I have never been able to understand how "those types of people" think (i.e. the ones who would even consider excluding one child). Now I get a front row seat...thanks! Anyway, if you cannot understand how it is different to exclude 1 girl from an all-girl party than excluding the 9 boys in the class, then sorry, I guess we are just from different universes. Boys and girls don't have co-ed parties here. I'm sure the boys really didn't want to make beaded bracelets and have a tea party anyway.

I guess we are from different universes. Because while we would not exclude one child or have a party that even touched any aspect of school (leaving from there or inviting there or discussing it there), I also don't live life expecting my dd or myself to be included, even if "everyone else" is. And when it does happen that we're excluded, we learn to live with it and deal with it and not take it personally.

And in my universe, if your child doesn't want someone at their party and you insist, then you might as well tell them that they can't have a tea party and make bracelets because it wouldn't include the boys because that is being too insensitive to the boys. .

Around here, you don't get excluded or included just because you happen to be a different sex. People don't want their kids being raised with gender bias, but it doesn't get more gender biased that that, for sure!!

I'm not saying the situation was properly handled by the other mother, but at the root of it, I don't see the actual exclusion as a heinous crime. It's no different than excluding 4 other girls in a class if there were 12.

ETA: FTR, almost this exact thing happened to dd last year for a friend's b-day party. Dd always said this little girl was her "best friend". But the other little girl felt that others in the class were HER best friends and dd was not invited to her very fun night on the town with horse-drawn carriage. I didn't feel that dd was done wrong. I helped her understand the dynamics of friendships. She an the girl are *still* great friends and we'll see if they are good enough friends for dd to get invited this year.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by mommahhh

But inside, I am so mad. And hurt for DD. And insulted. Etc, etc. All the raw emotions, you know? But only you guys know it. lol And I suppose I'm getting somewhat worked up on here because whenever someone responds with the attitude of "that's no big deal" or "so what, it isn't a trip to outerspace" or "she needs to learn this lesson" (i'm paraphrasing ) I feel like I'm speaking directly to that mother who made my little girl cry.

Then maybe you need to find a way to separate your emotions out, so that you don't feel that way. You can't very well teach your dd how to deal with disappointment if you don't know how to deal with it yourself, yk?

[mommahhh]

Originally Posted by thyra

Then maybe you need to find a way to separate your emotions out, so that you don't feel that way. You can't very well teach your dd how to deal with disappointment if you don't know how to deal with it yourself, yk?

Thank you for your feedback.

[EdnaMarie]

Originally Posted by velochic

Playing devil's advocate here... what if the venue where the child wanted to have her party had a limited number allowed? Sometimes, it's $X for the first 5 kids, then $X additional whether you have 6 or 10. That is, she would have had to pay for 5 additional kids if even 1 was added.

Or, what about the number of seats in the parent's vehicle? They could safely transport X number of kids. Or she just didn't want to invite your dd? Or she just forgot to invite her?

And if there is someone my dd doesn't want at her party, I would COMPLETELY respect her about that. I don't want people *I* don't like at my birthday parties. Why is it any different for a child?

It's difficult to be excluded, but it's a part of life and a valuable lesson. You can and will be the only one left out at times. It's tough, but something that at some point has to be addressed. Now's a great time in your case.

I don't agree with this. I think in a bigger class it's understandable, but would you really invite two of your co-workers if you only had three? I wouldn't. I would invite all of them or figure out a way to do it diplomatically.

And with small children, there's really no way to be diplomatic.

I also think there's nothing wrong with men having a "guys' night" and women having a "gals' night" or having an all-boy or all-girl birthday party IF!

(1) It's not just one or two people, or let's say a very small minority being excluded;
(2) It is not used as an excuse to discuss business matters without the opposite sex, i.e. conspire;
(3) It's done in good humor and there are opportunities to do things together if co-workers or classmates agree.

I mean... sometimes you wanna talk girl stuff, and sometimes guys just really don't want to hear it, and I can respect that, LOL!

OP, I would be sad, too, and no, I would never do that. I understand that children at that age are very sensitive and there's no use in excluding ONE PERSON. I want to raise my kids with a "we're all in this together" spirit and I don't like excluding.

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by velochic

And in my universe, if your child doesn't want someone at their party and you insist, then you might as well tell them that they can't have a tea party and make bracelets because it wouldn't include the boys because that is being too insensitive to the boys. .

Again, you don't have to insist that they invite the child they don't want there. You just insist that they can not invite all but that one girl. There are other, kinder options.

Choosing a theme or activities with guest preferences in mind is not comparable at all.

It's no different than excluding 4 other girls in a class if there were 12.

Because it is the same proportion?

Of course it is different. The point is that they excluded one girl. It is similar to excluding 1 girl in a group of any size. It is not similar to excluding 1/3 of the girls in larger sized groups.

[Latte Mama]

Originally Posted by mommahhh

Yep, I know! Yes, I am worked up on here. Not outwardly in real life. I take her to school, I smile, I act like nothing happened. Because really, I have no idea what to do/say. I am just trying to formulate a plan so it doesn't happen again. I don't want to start a "thing" with the other mother or anything like that. It is a small school.

But inside, I am so mad. And hurt for DD. And insulted. Etc, etc. All the raw emotions, you know? But only you guys know it. lol And I suppose I'm getting somewhat worked up on here because whenever someone responds with the attitude of "that's no big deal" or "so what, it isn't a trip to outerspace" or "she needs to learn this lesson" (i'm paraphrasing ) I feel like I'm speaking directly to that mother who made my little girl cry.


ETA: thank you, thank you to everyone who responded letting me know that this behavior isn't ok in your books. It really did make me feel so much better. xo

Crashing because my DS is still little but I helped raise my younger sister and we went through stuff like this. My heart hurts with you mama, it is hard I know. You have every right to feel the way you do and people can disagree with that but they can't tell you what to feel ya know?

There is truly no feeling in the world then when you feel an injustice has been done to the little person you love with all your soul. I'll never forget my little sister bursting out in tears one day saying "I have no friends". My goodness, I tear up just thinking about it and that was 10 years ago!

I dread these situations in the future with my son because of course I want to protect him from all the cruelty in the world. You sound like a very caring and warm mama and your DD will grow up to be kind and considerate. I'm glad that there are parents like you in the world
I hope you get some closure with this.

[Arduinna]

eh, I grew up with the mentality that everyone had to be invited and I still don't like it. I also think there is an element of entitlement in the concept that we have to invite everyone and accomidate everyone all the time. You know sometimes you just want a certain type of party that may not be appropriate or work for everyone. I encountered this problem when my dd was getting older and she wanted to do a scary halloween theme, but her BFs much much younger sibling was not going to appreciate it. And their mom just didn't get it. Apparently my dds party was supposed to revolve around her friends much younger sibling. We ended up being forced to invite him and of course he got scared and ended up going home even though we toned it down, for one kid. That my dd wasn't even really friends with. At some point enough is enough. No one is owed an invitation to anything.

Everyone is going off on this one person concept, but really it's not like the whole class but one person was invited. In reality 2 girls out of the whole class were invited. 1 girl and all the boys weren't. As a kid that was forced to invite everyone I hated it.

[EdnaMarie]

Of course it is different. The point is that they excluded one girl. It is similar to excluding 1 girl in a group of any size. It is not similar to excluding 1/3 of the girls in larger sized groups.

Totally!

Just like it would be to exclude ONE boy, or the only two boys. I wouldn't do that, either. However... I might ask my child to consider bringing them cupcakes or doing something very small at the school. If the boys are a group, then none of them need take it personally.

[Viola]

Originally Posted by mommahhh

My personal feeling is that any parent who thinks this is ok is a little evil.

Yeah, I don't really know what is going on here, but I'd be angry and would feel like she and I clearly don't share the same values. But I'd probably ask her directly why she invited her last year, and excluded her this year, 1 girl out of a class of 4 girls when it was bound to make my child feel bad. Exclusion may be a way of life, but you don't have to support it, for goodness sake!!!

I had my daughter invite all the children in her class to her 7th birthday, even though the class has over 30 children in it. I made her invite the boys she doesn't like because they have behavior problems--they are also a different race. She said she didn't want to invite certain kids because she doesn't like them. I told her that they probably wouldn't come because they probably don't like her either, but that she'd find out that she enjoyed the kids who came because she'd get to know them better. And that's what happened, of course. I told her that if she wanted to have a private party and invite a few friends, and not half of her class, we could do that. But that's what birthday parties at fun zones are--they aren't intimate little gatherings, and if she wants a different kind of party and presents from her parents, then that's a different thing.

We didn't really have birthday parties growing up, so my husband completely doesn't get why our children need to have these birthday parties at these fun play places. I am not all that on board with it, but my kids want to have these parties, and I let them choose that as their birthday present from us. But I kind of want them to realize that these things are social obligations and have etiquette and things attached, and aren't just "you get to have whatever you want" types of things. So I'm coming from a different place, I'm sure.