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So upset....leaving 1 child out of a brithday party?! - Page 7

post #121 of 170
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arduinna View Post
eh, I grew up with the mentality that everyone had to be invited and I still don't like it. I also think there is an element of entitlement in the concept that we have to invite everyone and accomidate everyone all the time. You know sometimes you just want a certain type of party that may not be appropriate or work for everyone. I encountered this problem when my dd was getting older and she wanted to do a scary halloween theme, but her BFs much much younger sibling was not going to appreciate it. And their mom just didn't get it. Apparently my dds party was supposed to revolve around her friends much younger sibling. We ended up being forced to invite him and of course he got scared and ended up going home even though we toned it down, for one kid. That my dd wasn't even really friends with. At some point enough is enough. No one is owed an invitation to anything.

Everyone is going off on this one person concept, but really it's not like the whole class but one person was invited. In reality 2 girls out of the whole class were invited. 1 girl and all the boys weren't. As a kid that was forced to invite everyone I hated it.
I think I would be scarred by this type of thing too! But this is a completely different situation. Nobody had to modify the party for my DD. And again, I think it might just be very different here because many people keep mentioning the fact that the boys were not invited. Boys are NEVER invited to girl's parties here. I don't know why...that's just how it is. I didn't invent this concept -- people just have smaller home parties and invite only the girls or only the boys. Probably because having a party with an entire class scares them! So for this example, we might as well just pretend there are no boys in the class because she definitely isn't identifying with the boys. The girls only play together at recess. I don't know why....I've tried suggesting she play soccer with the boys (or whatever) and she doesn't want to. I just assumed it was the age.
post #122 of 170
I feel for the OP and her daughter. It totally sucks to be left out, and my feelings would be hurt. My feelings are STILL hurt when I'm excluded, or when my kids are...at the same time, though, if my child chose to exclude someone, even when I put it to her she might be hurting someone, I guess I'd let it happen. Maybe that "preschool" excuse was just that, maybe there's a deeper reason.
post #123 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommahhh View Post
I will speak to the school low-key at some point just to get a better idea of the group dynamic and to make sure there are no issues.
The birthday party part of this wouldn't faze me, but the classroom dynamic you described sounds like it might be an issue. Your dd is frequently not included in play time with the other girls, right? That's the pattern from what you said upthread, so it's not surprising she was left out of the birthday party, as well.

And, I don't feel that people are obligated to invite anyone to their birthday party. I'm sorry your dd's feelings were hurt, and mine probably would have been, too...but this is 3 girls, in addition to the birthday girl. This isn't a group of 12 where one child was left out. This is two girls being invited.

Oh - and to whomever asked about inviting only two coworkers to something? Yes, I'd do that. If I were inviting coworkers to a social event, it would mean we were friends. If we weren't friends, I wouldn't invite them (might make an exception for someone who was really new). And, if there were people in my office who frequently got together for lunch, etc., I wouldn't expect them to invite me, either.

Several people have said that the birthday girl didn't have to invite OP's dd to the party, but it should have been handled differently. Okay. How, exactly, could this have been handled without OP's dd feeling left out?
post #124 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommahhh View Post
My personal feeling is that any parent who thinks this is ok is a little evil.
So now I'm evil? Well, I guess it's not rubbing off on my dd because she just got an award at school last month for being "respectful" and a "good friend to all".

I'm coming at this from the other side because this very same thing happened to my dd. I did *not* get upset about it at all and I guess I can't understand why it's such a major thing to get so worked up about, as it's going to happen hundreds of times and something a person learns to deal with and teach to our kids. Of course the whole leaving from school was not kosher, but the mother and girl do not "owe" it to you or your child to include her.

In our case, I just told dd that there was a reason that perhaps we wouldn't understand. I told her that friends don't hold grudges and that being her friend is not based on getting invited for the fun stuff. She has worked on cultivating the friendship more and I think they are even closer now. Nothing negative came of it, but dd did learn to not take things like this personally. We are very carefully raising her to not be entitled, though.

I'm sorry we don't see eye-to-eye, but I assure you that we're not EVIL people.
post #125 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommahhh View Post
The girls only play together at recess. I don't know why....I've tried suggesting she play soccer with the boys (or whatever) and she doesn't want to. I just assumed it was the age.
To clarify myself more, this is NOT the dynamic at dd's school and never has been (they are all 8 or 9 now). I don't know how that plays into my opinion on this situation (which seems to be in the minority... and I'm O.K. with that as I don't need to feel included), but I'm sure it does influence it somewhat. When dd talks of her "best friends", it includes 2 girls and a boy. They all play together at recess and get invited to each others' birthday parties (usually, but not always). Segregation based on sex is just not the norm where we are.
post #126 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by velochic View Post
So now I'm evil?
eh, I guess I'm evil too then. Oh well.
post #127 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by childsplay View Post
This happened to my DS when he was 5. His twin sister was invited to a birthday party of a girl in their nursery school class. THE MOTHER even told me - to my face- that it was a girl's only party.
So we thought, no big deal, DS was totally fine with it (because it was a girls party)
So DS is in the car when I'm dropping off DD and who comes running up the sidewalk? His two best friends. BOYS. With gifts. Then a couple more pull in as we're leaving.
I found out the next day that it was only DS that wasn't invited.
He was so sad, and didn't understand why, he even said 'maybe I'm not nice enough or something....' : (
Anyway, just before summer the mother asked me for my number so her jerky kid could have playdates with DD. As if. I just said "no....I don't think so..." and walked away. (and felt pretty good too)

Sorry you're going through this....kids (and parents) can be really cruel sometimes.
Oh my gosh, that's terrible. I was flabbergasted at my DS's preschool when a mother walked around with her son as we were all hanging around outside the classrooms before school started -- she handed him a stack of invitations and was walking up to people with him and asking, "What about this kid? Do you play with him? Okay, give him an invitation then. What about her, do you guys play together? No? Okay, what about him?" It was astounding. My DS was one of the "chosen ones" and ... yeah, we declined right away. Unbelievable.
post #128 of 170
Quote:
This happened to my DS when he was 5. His twin sister was invited to a birthday party of a girl in their nursery school class. THE MOTHER even told me - to my face- that it was a girl's only party.
So we thought, no big deal, DS was totally fine with it (because it was a girls party)
So DS is in the car when I'm dropping off DD and who comes running up the sidewalk? His two best friends. BOYS. With gifts. Then a couple more pull in as we're leaving.
I found out the next day that it was only DS that wasn't invited.
That's awful. Why lie? It made it so much harder for you all!

Quote:
Oh my gosh, that's terrible. I was flabbergasted at my DS's preschool when a mother walked around with her son as we were all hanging around outside the classrooms before school started -- she handed him a stack of invitations and was walking up to people with him and asking, "What about this kid? Do you play with him? Okay, give him an invitation then. What about her, do you guys play together? No? Okay, what about him?" It was astounding. My DS was one of the "chosen ones" and ... yeah, we declined right away. Unbelievable.
Shocking. Can you imagine inviting only certain people to an adult party... aloud? And excluding the others? Do people do that? WTH?
post #129 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommahhh View Post
But inside, I am so mad. And hurt for DD. And insulted. Etc, etc. All the raw emotions, you know?


Quote:
ETA: thank you, thank you to everyone who responded letting me know that this behavior isn't ok in your books. It really did make me feel so much better. xo
I really surprised by the comments as well, since the PUBLIC SCHOOL my kids attended didn't allow this sort of thing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
the classroom dynamic you described sounds like it might be an issue. Your dd is frequently not included in play time with the other girls, right?
I agree with this. At the small private school my kids go to now, exclusionary play is NOT allowed on the playground. It's a big deal.

I'm a playground monitor. Saying "You can't play with us because..." means the child speaking is now finished with recess and will go inside and have a chat a staff member.

Quote:
Several people have said that the birthday girl didn't have to invite OP's dd to the party, but it should have been handled differently. Okay. How, exactly, could this have been handled without OP's dd feeling left out?
The party should have been totally separate from school. It wasn't.
post #130 of 170
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arduinna View Post
eh, I guess I'm evil too then. Oh well.
Well, maybe "evil" was too strong. I don't think you eat babies or anything. And I will allow that PERHAPS I haven't explained it well enough to get across how very bizarre the whole thing is....even the moms of the other 2 girls have approached me unsolicited to say they were very sorry and that they didn't understand why she would do this and that they felt uncomfortable. But I stand by my feeling that any adult who would do this and allow 1 young child to feel left out is not very nice (in MY opinion). You can have your own opinions about yourself.
post #131 of 170
A similar thing happened to my DD, age 7. A few weeks ago, she saw all the neighbor kids playing outside down the block. She asked if she could join them (as she frequently does) and I said ok (as I usually do). Come to find out it was the birthday party of 1 of the kids. ALL the neighbor kids had been invited ... except my DD. It was a house party so there wasn't a facility limit or a problem with transportation or anything else.

It was either extremely insensitive or really mean. I go back and forth on which I believe. Either way, I wish the bday kid's parents had to dry my DD's tears for the next several days and reassure her again and again that there wasn't anything wrong with her but that those parents had been extremely rude. I'm getting mad all over again thinking about it. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

OP, you and your sweetie have my sympathy. At age 7, "that's life" just doesn't cut it.
post #132 of 170
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by griffin2004 View Post
A similar thing happened to my DD, age 7. A few weeks ago, she saw all the neighbor kids playing outside down the block. She asked if she could join them (as she frequently does) and I said ok (as I usually do). Come to find out it was the birthday party of 1 of the kids. ALL the neighbor kids had been invited ... except my DD. It was a house party so there wasn't a facility limit or a problem with transportation or anything else.
I am so sorry.
post #133 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommahhh View Post
Well, maybe "evil" was too strong. I don't think you eat babies or anything. And I will allow that PERHAPS I haven't explained it well enough to get across how very bizarre the whole thing is....even the moms of the other 2 girls have approached me unsolicited to say they were very sorry and that they didn't understand why she would do this and that they felt uncomfortable. But I stand by my feeling that any adult who would do this and allow 1 young child to feel left out is not very nice (in MY opinion). You can have your own opinions about yourself.
It's a good thing my opinion of myself isn't based on other peoples opinions of me - if it was, well, we'd have a problem.

Just b/c we don't agree with you doesn't mean we aren't nice people. If you didn't want to hear from people who diagree with you, you shouldn't post on a web board.
post #134 of 170
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by thyra View Post
It's a good thing my opinion of myself isn't based on other peoples opinions of me - if it was, well, we'd have a problem.

Just b/c we don't agree with you doesn't mean we aren't nice people. If you didn't want to hear from people who diagree with you, you shouldn't post on a web board.
I did mention that you are free to think anything you want about yourself. In my opinion, nice people do not go around excluding and purposely (not to mention unnecessarily) hurting the feelings of a young child. If in your opinion that's coolio, then that's fine by me. If you lived near me I'd probably steer clear of you (and keep my child away), but other than that I would do you no harm or be rude/mean.

I'll bet if someone hurts Lincoln one day you might understand where I am coming from. But even if you don't, it really doesn't matter. Because as you said...this is just a web board.
post #135 of 170
this seems like an awful lot of time spent venting and not helping the child that is so crushed - IMO

fact is you can not undue a party, you can only cope and show your child how to do so and get over and get on

it's not a perfect world and things like this happen and keep happening

it's all well to include everyone and a few years later they stop doing so and the child wonders why, it's a hard lesson to learn but one that needs to be learned


as far as co-works and growing up, no I would not include everyone, people to do not always like each other and even children do not, forcing is not reality to many and even at the sake of hurting someone-if it is not a party they hurt in other ways too, is the OP really sure nothing happened prior to this that changed the b-day's child's and her mom's mind? could there have been other children (outside of school) that were at the party making the number too many and thus the dis?

is it at all possible that the child was asked and didn't say so? or told the b-day girls no? and only later told mom a different story later on?
post #136 of 170
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by serenbat View Post
this seems like an awful lot of time spent venting and not helping the child that is so crushed - IMO
She's fine. I did help her work through it by listening to her and I downplayed the whole thing by saying maybe there was a mistake (because there is no way I'm telling a 7 year old that "maybe she just didn't want you to come, and that is something that will happen to you many times as you grow up"). She lives in the moment for the most part. We had a very fun time together and all is ok.
post #137 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by velochic View Post
In our case, I just told dd that there was a reason that perhaps we wouldn't understand. I told her that friends don't hold grudges and that being her friend is not based on getting invited for the fun stuff. She has worked on cultivating the friendship more and I think they are even closer now. Nothing negative came of it, but dd did learn to not take things like this personally. We are very carefully raising her to not be entitled, though.
This doesn't sound too different from how the OP describes interacting with her dd after being excluded. I think most of us would act similarly if/when our child is on the side of the excluded (note again, going to the teacher is not about forcing an invitation, but rather about gleaning insight about the friendship dynamics, and alerting the teacher to possible exclusion issues).

What IS different is how we respond when OUR child is the one wanting to exclude one child. It seems like entitlement has a role there, too. I do not believe my child is entitled to a birthday celebration that excludes one child.
post #138 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommahhh View Post
I did mention that you are free to think anything you want about yourself. In my opinion, nice people do not go around excluding and purposely (not to mention unnecessarily) hurting the feelings of a young child. If in your opinion that's coolio, then that's fine by me. If you lived near me I'd probably steer clear of you (and keep my child away), but other than that I would do you no harm or be rude/mean.

I'll bet if someone hurts Lincoln one day you might understand where I am coming from. But even if you don't, it really doesn't matter. Because as you said...this is just a web board.
I'm sure it will hurt when Lincoln gets excluded from something. But our job as parents isn't to judge those other parents, and say they're bad people. It's to teach our children how to deal with their feelings about it in a constructive way. I also think its my job to make sure my child doesn't grow up feeling entitled, or feeling like he is required to do things based on how other people will feel (so long as he is not purposefully bullying - which I will not put up with).
post #139 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by serenbat View Post
bolding- really? do you know for sure-none one her really does
is a school forced to make a parent have a "bully" (what ever child it is) come to a party or prevent the "bully" from having a party outside of school?

and how does a school deal with this? is the school to force a parent to make a child invite everyone? could not the BOYS parents complain-where does the line get crossed? in this situation what was the school to do- have the party canceled or force the child to be invited?

if the school is so small, go to the teacher-question the teacher to see if there really is another issue here or not instead of jumping to conclusions

-wondering the same???
Do I know that it points the POSSIBILITY, yes anything is possible especially with this age group. Is it absolute, no. That would be why I said the possibility is there and why I suggested earlier that the OP go to the teacher and ask about the dynamics. This goes beyond the birthday party thing and I don't think the solution to bullying in the classroom has anything to do with a birthday party that is already over, I think the birthday party is a big clue that something is going on because it came as a shock when everything seemed to be going well.

Do the schools need to demand that all kids go to birthday parties? No, but they do have to monitor kids and prevent bullying, at least in my area and in many areas where school districts take bullying seriously because of lawsuits and because they care about kids. My dd's school last year dealt with the boy who was hurting my dd frequently by having principal and counselor taking turns monitoring the children in that grade at play and redirecting the play, having the two come together to talk with the counselor, training the new duty teachers on spotting and gently redirecting bullies, and monitoring the boy a lot more closely (he had already developed a reputation by this point). They did a lot of the same types of things with the beginnings of bullying behavior, not even letting it develop into a cycle, at the school I did my internship at and student taught at. They also do a lot of education about bullying, who to talk to, how it makes you feel to bully or be bullied, and what to do instead with the kids during all specials (pe, music, library) as well as in class.I am talking about public schools since I don't have a lot of experience with private schools. In this area a private school would most likely take it seriously because there aren't a lot of people that choose to pay for them but I don't know for sure.
post #140 of 170
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by thyra View Post
I'm sure it will hurt when Lincoln gets excluded from something. But our job as parents isn't to judge those other parents, and say they're bad people. It's to teach our children how to deal with their feelings about it in a constructive way. I also think its my job to make sure my child doesn't grow up feeling entitled, or feeling like he is required to do things based on how other people will feel (so long as he is not purposefully bullying - which I will not put up with).
I never thought it was my "job" to judge someone. I was just venting here. But of course we all have feelings and opinions about how other people behave and interact with us. If I see someone treat another person in a cruel manner, I will definitely judge them. Can't help myself!!
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