So upset....leaving 1 child out of a brithday party?! - Page 8

[Youngfrankenstein]

[QUOTE=thyra; I also think its my job to make sure my child doesn't grow up feeling entitled, or feeling like he is required to do things based on how other people will feel[/QUOTE]

With all due respect, having these thoughts when your lo is tiny are nice, but when you get there and see the crushed spirit and disappointment, it's really tough. Of course as parents we teach coping skills, that doesn't make it any easier being the parent who has to "talk them through it".

I don't believe they have the understanding to "man up" and think about the logical reasons they may have been excluded. I think many kids would assume there is something unlikeable about them. Not nice or fun.

It's easy to have a black & white, neat & tidy answer on a message board and another to be the mom in the OP.

I think the OP has not been judgmental and is just expressing herself. I don't know why some of you feel the need to force her to let it go and roll with it. She is hurt and I don't think it's our place to tell her to get over it.

She has put on her big-girl panties and is venting to us instead of crabbing in front of her dd.....

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by limabean

Oh my gosh, that's terrible. I was flabbergasted at my DS's preschool when a mother walked around with her son as we were all hanging around outside the classrooms before school started -- she handed him a stack of invitations and was walking up to people with him and asking, "What about this kid? Do you play with him? Okay, give him an invitation then. What about her, do you guys play together? No? Okay, what about him?" It was astounding. My DS was one of the "chosen ones" and ... yeah, we declined right away. Unbelievable.

"Chosen ones?" Seriously? He's someone the birthday child plays with, so he was invited. I'd find it really weird if someone I didn't interact with invited me to something, would assume it was out of a sense of social obligation, and wouldn't go. I find this whole thing soooo weird. Why would a child invite someone they don't play with to their party? (I have to admit that this particular way of handing out the invitations is bizarre. My best guess is that it was an attempt to forestall the "invitations left in backpacks" things...but it wasn't handled well at all.)

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I really surprised by the comments as well, since the PUBLIC SCHOOL my kids attended didn't allow this sort of thing.

My kids have never attended a school that attempted to dictate who they could/should interact with outside of school. I've been here for five years, and I still find this soooo weird.

I agree with this. At the small private school my kids go to now, exclusionary play is NOT allowed on the playground. It's a big deal.

I'm a playground monitor. Saying "You can't play with us because..." means the child speaking is now finished with recess and will go inside and have a chat a staff member.

Seriously? A chat with a staff member for not wanting to play with someone? Why?

The party should have been totally separate from school. It wasn't.

This is the part I'm not getting. How was it not separate? The kids left together from school. My son has left with friends from school to go to parties, shopping, non-school related extra-curriculars, etc. None of those things have anything to do with school.

Originally Posted by velochic

To clarify myself more, this is NOT the dynamic at dd's school and never has been (they are all 8 or 9 now). I don't know how that plays into my opinion on this situation (which seems to be in the minority... and I'm O.K. with that as I don't need to feel included), but I'm sure it does influence it somewhat. When dd talks of her "best friends", it includes 2 girls and a boy. They all play together at recess and get invited to each others' birthday parties (usually, but not always). Segregation based on sex is just not the norm where we are.

Yeah. I find that so strange, and have never dealt with it. But, it's starting in our neighbourhood. DS2 wasn't invited to the parties of three of his playmates (well, two - the other one doesn't really play with him) in October, because they were girl only parties. He had a pretty rough time...but I don't think anybody is obligated to invite him, yk?

[Super~Single~Mama]

[QUOTE=Youngfrankenstein;16014892]

I think the OP has not been judgmental and is just expressing herself. I don't know why some of you feel the need to force her to let it go and roll with it. She is hurt and I don't think it's our place to tell her to get over it.
[QUOTE]

With all due respect, I completely disagree with this. The OP has told me (based on a few posts that I've made in THIS thread) that she would steer clear of me if she knew me irl, and keep her dd away too. She has said that people who would allow their children to decide who to invite (even if they didn't include everyone) are not very nice people. She has said that she doesn't understand how anyone could think that was OK.

She wants people to agree with her, and in making that perfectly clear, has been very judgmental towards me, and a few other posters.

I understand that she's hurt, I understand that her dd is hurt. It's understandable, I do think that children need to learn early on how to deal with that though, b/c it happens in life.

And, somehow, my mom raised me in a way that I didn't feel entitled to be invited to b-day parties, and so that I don't feel responsible for other peoples feelings. Does that mean my mother didn't hurt when I did? Absolutely not, but she doesn't do drama, and neither do I. She was the best mother anyone could ask for, and she didn't coddle me when I got my feelings hurt.

[Mom2GCNJ]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

What IS different is how we respond when OUR child is the one wanting to exclude one child. It seems like entitlement has a role there, too. I do not believe my child is entitled to a birthday celebration that excludes one child.

[NiteNicole]

Now I understand why all the parties were on Saturday afternoon when I was a kid. It just makes it so much easier.

Handing out invitations at school, picking up most but not all kids - even if you argue that hey, it's life, suck it up, there's a lot of fall out that's going to be handled AT SCHOOL and teachers have enough to deal with without all this on the student AND parent level.

Send invitations in the mail or make personal phone calls and plan your parties for weekend afternoons. A little consideration goes a long way.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole

Send invitations in the mail or make personal phone calls and plan your parties for weekend afternoons.

I very rarely had a class list for ds1. I was at work during the day for most of his school years, and had very little opportunity to meet/talk with other parents. In the early years (eg. at age 7), he didn't even know the last names of his school friends. So, mailing invitations and making phone calls weren't a viable option.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

What IS different is how we respond when OUR child is the one wanting to exclude one child. It seems like entitlement has a role there, too. I do not believe my child is entitled to a birthday celebration that excludes one child.

How does entitlement have a role?

I guess maybe we all see birthday parties different or something. I see a party as something I'd invite my friends to, and I'd expect that my kids would like to invite their friends, too. A friend, in my world, does not mean "someone who goes to the same school as me" or "someone who works in the same office as me", or any other variation on that theme.

[Dandelionkid]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

This doesn't sound too different from how the OP describes interacting with her dd after being excluded. I think most of us would act similarly if/when our child is on the side of the excluded (note again, going to the teacher is not about forcing an invitation, but rather about gleaning insight about the friendship dynamics, and alerting the teacher to possible exclusion issues).

What IS different is how we respond when OUR child is the one wanting to exclude one child. It seems like entitlement has a role there, too. I do not believe my child is entitled to a birthday celebration that excludes one child.

Very, very well said.

[pinkshamrocks]

[QUOTE=Youngfrankenstein;16014892]

I think the OP has not been judgmental and is just expressing herself. I don't know why some of you feel the need to force her to let it go and roll with it. She is hurt and I don't think it's our place to tell her to get over it.
[QUOTE]



This exactly. If the OP, a total stranger on the internet, has apparently hurt some people's feelings enough that they feel the need to keep hammering on a point, how on earth can a small child be expected to just let something as hurtful as being slighted irl go?

[Dandelionkid]

Originally Posted by thyra

And, somehow, my mom raised me in a way that I didn't feel entitled to be invited to b-day parties, and so that I don't feel responsible for other peoples feelings.

We aren't responsible for others feelings but I believe we have a responsibility, as members of the human race, to be considerate of others feelings. Who knows if there is a back-story but, if this is all there is to it, the autonomy of the b-day girl to exclude this little girl should have been over-ridden by the basic, decent kindness to include all the girls. There are very,very few scenarios where this courtesy could not have been extended.

[OHmidwife]

Wowie mommahhh!
I am so sorry your little girl was excluded so rudely. (hugs!)

I don't know why I read through this whole thread- it's not any issue I'm dealing with atm, but read it, I did. And I have to say, that besides empathizing with your daughter's situation, I am also very impressed with your own STELLAR behavior on this thread, despite being repeatedly baited by people who have already made their point and should just stop posting in this thread now because it is oh so obvious that they are not helping you in any way.

Seriously. Why do some people seem to think it is their duty to tell other people that they are wrong? Sigh. Cruel world indeed.

So, back to the actual purpose of this thread.

1) I validate your feelings. I'd be pissed too! In the name of all that is kind and decent, if they did not plan on inviting your kid, couldn't they have had the party some other time than right after school? And forbid the girls from talking about it at school? Geez, if you're going to be so godawful rude, have the common sense to be sneaky about it.

2) I admire you for venting here instead of to your child or the other moms at school. And for even taking the high road and still inviting the other girl to your dd's bday party. Bravo! Kill em with kindness, I say. And I don't give a hoot if I get flamed for this, but I do hope that other mom and girl feel extra guilty when they get that invitation and buy your kid and extra nice gift because of it.

3) My son's school has a rule that if you plan to discuss or give out invitations at school, you either must invite ALL the kids in the class, or ALL the girls, or ALL the boys. You might suggest this to your child's school.

4) I don't know if I would have the guts to do it, and I don't know if it would be a good idea to do it even if I did, but I would be sorely tempted to write a note to that girl's mother and tell her ever-so-delicately-and-politely that your girl was hurt by being excluded and that if she intends to exclude your dd again, to make sure the other girls don't let her know that there is or was a party to which she was not invited.

Kudos to you mama. You sound like a wonderful mom with your child's best interests at heart. May she grow up to be as kind and loving and level headed as her own dear mommahhh.

[Chamomile Girl]

Originally Posted by Dandelionkid

We aren't responsible for others feelings but I believe we have a responsibility, as members of the human race, to be considerate of others feelings. Who knows if there is a back-story but, if this is all there is to it, the autonomy of the b-day girl to exclude this little girl should have been over-ridden by the basic, decent kindness to include all the girls. There are very,very few scenarios where this courtesy could not have been extended.

Yes this! Thank you. I am so baffled by people who think it is ok to elbow their way through life without taking note of the people who get hurt on the way. Are those people just collateral damage? Life sucks, learn to live with it? I don't think so.

And, yes it is a type of entitlement to plan birthday parties so exclusively. The social world of children is different than that of adults...loyalty to certain friends is often fleeting and kids are very fickle. This is why inviting entire groups is perfectly appropriate. If a kid doesn't want to come they don't have to, but at least they were invited.

To do otherwise shows a serious empathy deficiency. Or it shows that you have never had it happen to you.

[NiteNicole]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

How does entitlement have a role?

I guess maybe we all see birthday parties different or something. I see a party as something I'd invite my friends to, and I'd expect that my kids would like to invite their friends, too. A friend, in my world, does not mean "someone who goes to the same school as me" or "someone who works in the same office as me", or any other variation on that theme.

I wonder if class size or being from a small town has something to do with how people view this. In my area, and especially in my middle school years, it wouldn't be too uncommon to have a very small class. It's not like oh, I have my group here and you have your group over there, there are four or five girls (or maybe six kids altogether) in a class. Excluding ONE is just...exclusive. Including five out of a group of thirty? Oh well. There are far more left out than included. But including all but one? Is rude.

Maybe I'm just an odd duck. I say please, thank you, and excuse me. I am not a door mat, but I try to be kind or at least a bare minimum of polite. I teach my child and believe myself that people are responsible for nothing and also being kind is free.

I will never be in favor of passing out invitations at school among young children. Even if there are only four out of thirty invited, it's rude. I wouldn't go to work with ADULTS and pass out invitations for a dinner party and only include a handfull of friends. Would I have a dinner party and just include a few actual friends that I wanted to spend time with out of work hours? Sure! But I wouldn't go out of my way to let other people know about it. Grown people get their feelings hurt over this, and children should just suck it up?

I don't see that there can be a blanket school policy (other than "don't hand out invites at school") but plan good manners should make us try a little harder to be considerate of the feelings of children.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

"Chosen ones?" Seriously? He's someone the birthday child plays with, so he was invited. I'd find it really weird if someone I didn't interact with invited me to something, would assume it was out of a sense of social obligation, and wouldn't go. I find this whole thing soooo weird. Why would a child invite someone they don't play with to their party? (I have to admit that this particular way of handing out the invitations is bizarre. My best guess is that it was an attempt to forestall the "invitations left in backpacks" things...but it wasn't handled well at all.)

I thought it was obvious that my whole problem was with the WAY it was handled, not with the mere fact that they were inviting their DS's playmates to the party, so I agree with your statements in parentheses and don't really understand how the rest relates to my post.

[quaz]

Sorry.
I honestly just do not get the side of those that are okay with the idea of inviting all girls, except one.

When I was 10, I came to school, and every single girl was talking about a slumber party. I came to find out, that out of all the girls in the class, me and one other girl were not invited. We were the two girls that didn't dress like everyone else. That party only made me that much more excluded from everyone, because "I was the girl that wasn't invited". There was yet one more reason to exclude me.

It feels lousy at 10, when you are the only one excluded, when you have no reason why. It has to feel lousy at 7, especially in a class that is that size.

It isn't about a child being 'entitled' to going to a birthday party, but simple human decency. You don't select every girl except one girl. Girls are already mean enough in grade school. This only sets up a very negative school situation. I think when kids are in Junior high, they are savvy enough to understand social dynamics better, but just excluding one girl, really sets up bully fodder in elementary.

Tammy

[WifeofAnt]

Okay so I don't have children yet but I *was* the excluded 7 year old. Long story short I went into foster care and spent 9 months living with my aunt and 3 female cousins. They were all buddy-buddy and since I lived there I was pushed into everything they did. If they wanted to go across the street and play with the neighbor girl, they had to let me go (even if I didn't want to). I did gymnastics with them, I was at all their parties. We spent nearly every waking moment together and I was still a '4th wheel', always present but never actually emotionally included. We were relatives and housemates but not friends.

I'm also a bit confused on why she should have to invite everyone. The class is SO tiny. Its not like she's inviting 6 girls and leaving the 7th one out, she's only inviting two. Its IMHO a bit of an exaggeration to say she invited "everyone but her" when "everyone" is 2 people. If there were only 3 girls in the class (counting the birthday girl) would it be exclusionary if she only invited one? One girl more (2 of 4 invited) or one girl less (1 of 2 invited) and it would be a totally different situation. Yeah it was extremely mean to rub it in her face but if the birthday girl didn't actually want her there its just a pity invite and has no effect on whether or not she'll be *honestly* as included as the other girls at the party.

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole

I will never be in favor of passing out invitations at school among young children. Even if there are only four out of thirty invited, it's rude. I wouldn't go to work with ADULTS and pass out invitations for a dinner party and only include a handfull of friends. Would I have a dinner party and just include a few actual friends that I wanted to spend time with out of work hours? Sure! But I wouldn't go out of my way to let other people know about it. Grown people get their feelings hurt over this, and children should just suck it up?

I don't see that there can be a blanket school policy (other than "don't hand out invites at school") but plan good manners should make us try a little harder to be considerate of the feelings of children.

All this. One reason we moved Ds to a new school recently was the pervasive atmosphere of exclusiveness and cliquishness fostered by the lack of a school policy regarding passing out invitations *in the class, in front of kids who weren't invited.*

I'm not a fan of "invite the whole class". Thankfully, that's not "done" where we live. It's considered over the top. I also think kids should get to have some say in who they invite. But I also think kids this age need some guidance. As a parent, there's a difference between forcing a kid to invite another kid s/he doesn't like, and gently saying, "You know, s/he invited you to his/her party" or "S/he would be the only kid in the class not invited. How do you think that would make him/her feel?" There's also an element of discretion. Email/call/send them, or *discreetly* give out invitations (although I think that's pretty hard). Have the party on a weekend so it's not obvious that certain kids are being picked up from school for a party. Generally be kind and considerate. It's not that hard!

[mommahhh]

I just want to say THANK YOU so much to all those who allowed me to vent my shock/frustration/pain here. I appreciate your kindness and I am so happy there are decent people in the world.

I had no idea this thread would create such a stir or controversy. I thought it was universally agreed that it is wrong for adults to harm children on purpose, be that physically or emotionally. And believe me when I say that my child was emotionally hurt by the actions of this adult, very unnecessarily (given all that I have since learned from the other mothers). I won't be responding anymore here because yes, it does get me a bit riled up and I really just want to move past the entire issue. I have a plan in place to make sure my daughter does not feel excluded at her very small school overall. I certainly don't want this to blow up into a chronic issue.

Since I'm "signing off", I will end by saying that I tried hard to stay calm in this thread, but if I'm being completely honest I can only hope that some of you on this thread aren't truly as cruel and callous in real life as you have portrayed here in words. But I have a sinking feeling you may be, since obviously the mom of my DD's classmate is as well.

[ChristyMarie]

Originally Posted by OHmidwife

....Geez, if you're going to be so godawful rude, have the common sense to be sneaky about it....

Best.Advice.Ever.

[serenbat]

But I have a sinking feeling you may be, since obviously the mom of my DD's classmate is as well.

if that was the way I felt, I would be glad my child was not invited to the party

in the end a full social calendar does not make you have true and lasting friendships