So upset....leaving 1 child out of a brithday party?! - Page 2

[Dr.Worm]

I just think that was so mean. The least the mom could've done was tell her dd not to talk about the party in front of your dd. I agree there will be times when kids exclude other kids but why is the mom not getting that it hurt your dd?? I was watching 20/20 a few weeks ago. It was the episode on bullying and there was a psychologist on...Gail Saltz or something and she said how sad it was that parents aren't teaching their kids to be kind. It's like the majority only care about good grades and excelling in sports and kindness isn't important. It is great to try to do your best and all that but what matters most is who you are as a person. Looks like the mean girl crap is starting in first grade.

[Joyster]

That's tough, I'd be upset for my kid too. It's not the way we work, but we have to deal with the fact that not everyone does that and there might be a lesson in that for your DD. On the petty part, I'd probably make certain that her party is phenomenal though.

DS1 just had his party this weekend and invited a whole slew of kids, when I realized that something like 3 kids in his class weren't invited, I asked DS1 about it, and he immediately invited them because he didn't want anyone feeling sad about being left out. He recently wasn't invited to a birthday party that a lot of other kids were invited to (I wasn't surprised, given the parents). He thankfully rolled with it, he's 5 though and a boy.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by mommahhh

Are you serious?? At 7? You would let a 7 year old make a cruel decision like that? Just...wow. But whatever. At least I know there are all kinds out there.

Not necessarily, and I have a toddler right now - but I remember being 7 and girls already being catty towards each other (heck, they were in kindergarten too).

I also don't think its all that cruel. It's a birthday party - not a trip to outerspace I guess I don't worry too much about kids self esteem b/c it doesn't come from their friends, their friends parents, or their teachers. It comes from HOME and what parents do at home with their kids. My self esteem comes mostly from my DAD believe it or not - not getting invited to the b-day party of the year back in 1st, 2nd, or 3rd grade isn't even something I remember now.

[mommahhh]

Originally Posted by thyra

I also don't think its all that cruel. It's a birthday party - not a trip to outerspace I guess I don't worry too much about kids self esteem b/c it doesn't come from their friends, their friends parents, or their teachers. It comes from HOME and what parents do at home with their kids. My self esteem comes mostly from my DAD believe it or not - not getting invited to the b-day party of the year back in 1st, 2nd, or 3rd grade isn't even something I remember now.

I hear you. But really, we are all different. My self esteem was severely affected by several things that happened in elementary school (I was very very shy). I don't recall feeling worthless when I was 4 or 5. It was only after dealing with cruelty and exclusions in grade 2/3 that I started viewing myself as different and "less than" other kids. So that's probably why I'm so sensitive to the entire issue. I never wanted that to happen to my child because I know how much it hurts and how damaging it is. But it is good to hear that your self esteem came mostly from home....I think we do our utmost to build good self esteem.

[sunnmama]

The whole things sounds odd....and inconsiderate at best.

Like you said, the preschool excuse is pretty flimsy and probably not the real reason. So then, it seems likely that there is an friend issue that you might not be aware of.

Could you talk to the teacher to see if she has any insight about the situation? Not from a standpoint of indignation, but from a standpoint of "Can you help me understand why this happened how it happened?"

[limabean]

Originally Posted by thyra

I also don't think its all that cruel. It's a birthday party - not a trip to outerspace

I hear you, and normally I'm on your side of the debate when this topic comes up here at MDC. But many people who start this topic have a problem with a kid inviting only 4 of his 20 classmates and "excluding" the rest, and I think that's a silly outlook to have. But to just exclude ONE of the 4 girls in the class is more glaring and does seem unnecessary IMO. Many schools these days have a policy that says something like:

1) Don't pass out invitations at school unless all the kids in the class are invited.
2) If you invite more than half the class (or more than half of the students of your child's gender), you should invite all of them, but if you invite less than half it's okay to pick and choose.

I think those are reasonable guildelines, and they're the ones I tend to go by (mostly by making sure I invite less than half of the kids, since I have no intention of ever having a whole-class party ).

[One_Girl]

I can't imagine how hard it would be to help a child get through something like that. Kids use their birthdays as ways to exclude and really hurt other people, or to try to get someone to be nice to them all the time. It may not have been something the mother intentionally meant to do and she may have made that excuse to try to save feelings once she realized what was going on.

Last year I let my dd pick four friends to invite for a special lunch (because I couldn't afford more than that). She chose to pick a two very close friends outside of school and two girls because they were popular while leaving her two close friends out. I was very sad when I realized this, her friends were crushed, and I am going back to inviting the class so it doesn't happen again now that I can afford to do so. The whole class never shows up anyways and there are many places that do parties cheap but fun in our town and her grandma has a big house if all else fails.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by mommahhh

I hear you. But really, we are all different. My self esteem was severely affected by several things that happened in elementary school (I was very very shy). I don't recall feeling worthless when I was 4 or 5. It was only after dealing with cruelty and exclusions in grade 2/3 that I started viewing myself as different and "less than" other kids. So that's probably why I'm so sensitive to the entire issue. I never wanted that to happen to my child because I know how much it hurts and how damaging it is. But it is good to hear that your self esteem came mostly from home....I think we do our utmost to build good self esteem.

I can see that. I understand that all kids are different, and their different personalities definitely need to be considered.

My parents always acted like these things were no big deal, and would say things like, "Why would you want to go to a party you weren't invited to?" It didn't make sense at the time, but it sure does now! If the host doesn't want you there, being there would just be AWFUL! Even if the mother had forced the issue, if the 7yo didn't want your dd there, it might have been an awful party for your dd.

I do think that as parents we should strive for our children to be inclusive, but I think we should also be striving to teach our children that they are perfect the way they are - and if other people don't like them its the other persons loss.

[pregnant@40]

I agree w/ the OP, it's cruel. Kids start to exclude one another at a young age & form cliques, and it's the parents' responsibility to teach them how hurtful this behavior can be. Where is the empathy?

[CherryBomb]

I'm an adult and I'd be really hurt if i was one of four people that was intentionally left out of something.

[Cutie Patootie]

Originally Posted by mommahhh

Just to clarify a few points (not that it matters either way, it is over and done with)....

1) She held the party in her (very large) home. The same place it was held last year, right around the corner from the school. So it wasn't a case of not having enough room in a venue.

2) Last year the parents just drove their kids to the party and picked them up. So she didn't have to not invite one child due to lack of space in her van.

3) She didn't forget. She did it on purpose. My kid only started last year, so she didn't go there for pre-school (but the other 3 girls did). She only invited kids that went to pre-school together (even though my DD was invited to the party last year). Therefore, in a normal universe it appears she is using a stupid, flimsy excuse to exclude 1 child.

4) The boys weren't invited (there are a lot more boys in the class). Only the girls. Minus 1 girl, that is.

5) My DD and the girl get along fine. DD even saved certain silly-bands for this girl because she loves horses.

Sorry for the novel. So yes, while I agree that being excluded is a part of life and a lesson you need to learn, I really do NOT agree that it needs to be so bloody harsh and happen in grade 1! This isn't high school. I can understand if there was some ongoing "issue" between the 2 girls, but there isn't. I think if more parents would do their job and teach their offspring that this is NOT ok, then there might not be so much exclusion in the later years (not saying it was the girl's fault....sounds more like the mom made this dumb rule). Treating 1 girl like this damages self-esteem and makes her feel like an outsider. And like I said, she's only 7!! My personal feeling is that any parent who thinks this is ok is a little evil.

I think that is ridiculous. I'm sure I'll get flamed, but the mother must be either super insensitive or have only air in between her ears. Who does this kind of thing? It's like a given...of course you will invite the 4th child. There isn't any excuse to exclude like that. *Especially* since she was invited last year. For pity sake, preschool? What was that, like 2 years ago for them?

[Cutie Patootie]

Originally Posted by thyra

I can see that. I understand that all kids are different, and their different personalities definitely need to be considered.

My parents always acted like these things were no big deal, and would say things like, "Why would you want to go to a party you weren't invited to?" It didn't make sense at the time, but it sure does now! If the host doesn't want you there, being there would just be AWFUL! Even if the mother had forced the issue, if the 7yo didn't want your dd there, it might have been an awful party for your dd.

I do think that as parents we should strive for our children to be inclusive, but I think we should also be striving to teach our children that they are perfect the way they are - and if other people don't like them its the other persons loss.

I don't think it's a matter of really wanting to be at a party she was invited to. It's more about how it feels to know you were not invited and everyone else was.

[ChristyMarie]

Originally Posted by CherryBomb

I'm an adult and I'd be really hurt if i was one of four people that was intentionally left out of something.

Ditto.

I'm sure the mom and girl had some reason for doing it but it still has to hurt.

[Linda on the move]

Have you contacted the school? Most schools have policies in place so that this kind of thing doesn't happen.

The problem, IMHO, isn't that there was a party that she wasn't invited to. It's HOW it was done. And it's important to make sure that this doesn't repeat for other kids parties or every year. It's really unacceptable.

Talk to the school!!!!!

[Super~Single~Mama]

I truly hope I only ever have boys.

Contact the school? To make an example out of the children? So that the OP's dd is never invited to anything? Don't think the kids won't know whats going on if they get tattled on.

I don't do drama, so its a good thing I have a son and not a daughter.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by thyra

I truly hope I only ever have boys.

Contact the school? To make an example out of the children? So that the OP's dd is never invited to anything? Don't think the kids won't know whats going on if they get tattled on.

I don't do drama, so its a good thing I have a son and not a daughter.

I agree about the contacting the school thing. I guess I could see calling them (or looking in the handbook) to see if they have a policy on this sort of thing, but not to try to somehow get the birthday girl and her mother in trouble -- that seems like an extreme reaction.

That said, I don't agree that drama only occurs with daughters -- I've been astounded to overhear some of the ridiculous drama on the sidelines at my DS's soccer games. Some parents are just nuts.

[rainbow_mandala]

Originally Posted by CherryBomb

I'm an adult and I'd be really hurt if i was one of four people that was intentionally left out of something.

The mom sounds elitist and stuck up to me...from the sounds of it maybe your family doesn't have enough social standing or a large enough income in her eyes I've been around people like that, it's beyond awful.

[meemee]

OP i will have to agree that your emotions for me are a little out of place.

i can totally understand how hurt your little girl was. i can understand esp. coming from the history of your childhood.

but i have noticed - having a super sensitive child myself - what truly matters is how we as moms support our children.

life is cruel. children are cruel without knowing it. they do cruel things.

however this is not about oh how dare they leave your dd out. it is about how to support your dd who is so deeply hurt. it has nothing to do with the other parent or the child.

this can happen again. very simply. your dd might want to join in someone's play at recess and they may refuse to let dd play.

the point here is helping your dd with her feeling of rejection. to help her see it as 'not a big deal'. not by denying the truth but by sitting with her and empathising with her feelings.

yes life sucks. you sit and cry and vent out your deep hurt and then move on. by helping your dd by dealing with her feelings, you help and guide her to handle such things as she grows up.

i strongly believe our non verbal communication is where the majority of our communication lies. so i would let that anger towards the mom go. it really isnt that important. the point is not that. the longer you hold on to how unfair life is, even though you dont show that side to your dd, she will see it through your body language.

instead focus completely in your child. her feelings.

i am a single mom. my dd has had to deal with far more things thankfully many children have not had to deal with. she learnt very early on that life sucks. but sitting with her and doing greiving circles has helped her understand that life is what you make it. it has taken everything in me to control my own emotions and just focus on my dd's hurt feelings. but we've gone in depth about how dd feels. how hurt she is. and just that airing out the hurt feelings takes the sting out of it and its not something dd holds onto forever. YOU are key here. you help her vent, have a good cry. its a great gift to reduce the power other people have over you and your child.

the non invitation is just a story. what matters are your dd's feelings. the story will change but the hurt remains.

so leaving your dd out to me is not that big a deal. if anything its a great opportunity to learn and discover.

[babygirlie]

I am so sad for you guys! And the reasonings... Life sucks get over it sounds like something a former bully would say. Doesn't mean anything to you unless you've been in THOSE shoes. Unless you see a child's self esteem shatter which could in turn lead to a life of depression and eventual suicide is not a fun thing. I remember being suicidal at 7 and the kid's at school were definately a part of that feeling. How cruel to tell someone to get over it.

There is scientific studies that prove bullying does NOT build your esteem nor does it make you "toughen" up.. that it actually affects you for the rest of your life and in bad ways.. not good.

That scenerio was simply cruel!

On top of that, the "flimsy excuse" makes it even worse. That's not even a flimsy excuse. That's an outright lie but by technicality. It's like they sat around thinking of some BS they could say to you when obviously you would comment on their cruelty. It's like pouring salt on a wound. Definately not an excuse AT ALL!

I'm not as good of a person as you. I would be very tempted to find mom on FB and send a curt email saying thank you for inviting all the girls in the class to the party but mine. I spent the evening answering questions like what's wrong with me and why am I hated by a tiny innocent 7 year old. Things I will need to keep answering for months until she finally gets over it, wiping away tears of destress and depression. Thanks so much for your insensitivities.

[rainbringer]

I would be very upset if this happened to my dd.

Also it bothers me that she is with these girls every day at school. Is there a pattern of them excluding her from things? In a large class it might not matter but as one of four girls and three of them shutting her out, sounds terrible to face every day.