So upset....leaving 1 child out of a brithday party?! - Page 3

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by thyra

when really, you have no idea who made up the rule - the mother could have just been the messenger

I like to think that at 7, if a person seems nice, and plays nice, and acts like they like you--they actually like you. I'd hope that a 7 year old would still have the basic honesty to say "when you do xyz, it makes me mad" and they decency to accept "I'm sorry, I won't do xyz." or "I have to do xyz, but if I did xyz this other way, would that be okay."

Being passive aggressive and playing oh-so-nice at school and then cheerfully waving good bye to the girl she told her mom not to invite?? If that seriously was what happened? I'd leave the school and never go near there for fear of screaming at a child. And I certainly wouldn't want my kid anywhere near that child for fear of the child becoming worse and worse with age.

And as a mother, if my kid decided she didn't want to invite a kid who'd been to the party the previous year, I'd find out why, and I'd do what I could to help her work out the issue.

[sapphire_chan]

As for excluding the boys, I personally think it is FAR more cruel to exclude one girl of 4 girls than 5 boys of 9 kids. (OP said there were more boys than girls, so there have to be at least 5 boys.) Especially if none of the girls had gone to a boy's birthday party the previous year.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by rainbringer

I would be very upset if this happened to my dd.

Also it bothers me that she is with these girls every day at school. Is there a pattern of them excluding her from things? In a large class it might not matter but as one of four girls and three of them shutting her out, sounds terrible to face every day.

See that's where I'm thinking the girl had nothing to do with it. I know I said earlier that the OP's dd should tell the girl she was hurt, but that was so the girl would make sure to raise a fuss if her mom tried to pull a similar stunt in future.

I don't think that kind of thing could be happening at the school without the OP knowing about it, since she knew how the girls left for the party. Clearly her dd is sharing plenty of information about her days and doesn't have problems telling her mom about stuff that upsets her.

[AllisonR]

I think it is crass. I could be way off, but an idea - does the mother have some issue with you, and is being a little passive-agressive and taking it out on your DD? Or is it the child that decided not to invite your DD, and her mother just went along with it, not caring how hurtful that was? In either case, then I'd avoid the person like the plague. No one needs that kind of unhealthy nonsense in their life.

I can't imagine that this mother could just forget 1 child, out of 4. Or just not think it mattered. That just doesn't seem plausible in my mind. A class of 12 or 15 or 20 and you forget someone, yea, I can see that. But 4? No way.

[Linda on the move]

[QUOTE=rainbringer;16010573Also it bothers me that she is with these girls every day at school. Is there a pattern of them excluding her from things? In a large class it might not matter but as one of four girls and three of them shutting her out, sounds terrible to face every day.[/QUOTE]

Exactly. It's part of the reason that you need to talk to the school.

(and this isn't just a girl issue -- boys do the same sorts of things, just in slightly different ways)

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by babygirlie

I am so sad for you guys! And the reasonings... Life sucks get over it sounds like something a former bully would say. Doesn't mean anything to you unless you've been in THOSE shoes. Unless you see a child's self esteem shatter which could in turn lead to a life of depression and eventual suicide is not a fun thing. I remember being suicidal at 7 and the kid's at school were definately a part of that feeling. How cruel to tell someone to get over it.

I've been in THOSE shoes - I've been excluded, I had to watch my social butterfly little brother get invited to more birthday parties every single weekend than there was time in the day to go to! It did not shatter my self esteem though - b/c my parents helped me through it. My parents told me that it didn't make me a bad kid, bad friend, bad anything, it just meant I didn't get invited and really was as simple as that.

Going to the school won't teach your dd anything. What happens when she gets excluded from a sorority in college? Would the posters on here call the university to insist they accept their dd's? Seriously, I know someone whose parents called the university to insist that their dd get included in a sorority - she NEVER learned to deal with rejection.

Rejection happens every day, and its not always bullying. It's our job as parents to help our children learn to handle it so that they can deal with life - b/c rejection is part of life.

[nola79]

OP, I agree with you. It was totally wrong for your daughter not to be invited to the birthday party. Sorry she had to go through that.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by thyra

Going to the school won't teach your dd anything. What happens when she gets excluded from a sorority in college? Would the posters on here call the university to insist they accept their dd's?

No, because being one of well over a 1000 women who aren't part of a group that spends a great deal of time together over the course of four years isn't the same as being 1 of 4 girls excluded from maybe 5 hours out of one day.

(It's also not like all the women of one dorm will form a sorority and exclude 1 person. Heck, they wouldn't even through a party in the next dorm over and deliberately avoid mentioning it to one person--unless things were already so strained that the person knew that the whole dorm was upset. The person probably would've already been told off by an RA or three.)

My kid wants to exclude one kid from her party--and it is just one kid, the kid who had been to the party last year--it means she either has a reason that's worth working on fixing, or she can get over it.

ETA: Seriously, someone called uni to get their kid in a sorority? O. M. G. They needed a life.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

ETA: Seriously, someone called uni to get their kid in a sorority? O. M. G. They needed a life.

Yes, they did need a life, and their dd REALLY needed to grow up.

[red and lulu]

Exclusion hurts, and for it to be happening so blatantly at such a young age is sad. If it were my daughter I'd be upset, too. OP, I'm sorry your daughter had this happen to her, and I hope she comes through the experience with her head up.

[Cutie Patootie]

Originally Posted by thyra

I've been in THOSE shoes - I've been excluded, I had to watch my social butterfly little brother get invited to more birthday parties every single weekend than there was time in the day to go to! It did not shatter my self esteem though - b/c my parents helped me through it. My parents told me that it didn't make me a bad kid, bad friend, bad anything, it just meant I didn't get invited and really was as simple as that.

Going to the school won't teach your dd anything. What happens when she gets excluded from a sorority in college? Would the posters on here call the university to insist they accept their dd's? Seriously, I know someone whose parents called the university to insist that their dd get included in a sorority - she NEVER learned to deal with rejection.

Rejection happens every day, and its not always bullying. It's our job as parents to help our children learn to handle it so that they can deal with life - b/c rejection is part of life.

I'm sure her mother is doing just that. She's on here to vent because it is hurtful to watch her child be hurt because she was excluded. I'm sure her mother is saying and doing all the things she needs to do to build her self-esteem and to be secure. It doesn't mean it hurts any less.
As far as contacting the school or the other mother, I think she definitely should. At 7yo it's a big deal and not something I would let slide as there seems there must be something bigger going on. It's not the same as if the child were 13. She's in first grade. 3 of the 4 girls in her class were invited to a party. She was blatantly excluded for a reason.

[MamaHappy]

It is one thing for a 7 year old to exclude someone, but I am appalled that the mother would allow this behavior. Wow....just wow. I totally feel your pain OP. The whole thing is pretty ridiculous.

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by thyra

I've been in THOSE shoes - I've been excluded, I had to watch my social butterfly little brother get invited to more birthday parties every single weekend than there was time in the day to go to! It did not shatter my self esteem though - b/c my parents helped me through it. My parents told me that it didn't make me a bad kid, bad friend, bad anything, it just meant I didn't get invited and really was as simple as that.

Going to the school won't teach your dd anything. What happens when she gets excluded from a sorority in college? Would the posters on here call the university to insist they accept their dd's? Seriously, I know someone whose parents called the university to insist that their dd get included in a sorority - she NEVER learned to deal with rejection.

Rejection happens every day, and its not always bullying. It's our job as parents to help our children learn to handle it so that they can deal with life - b/c rejection is part of life.

This is a seven year old child. I think it is easy to assume that seven is old enough to deal with these things on your own when your child isn't anywhere near that age yet or has gone so far past that age that you really can't remember them being anything but confident, but they really aren't that mature and capable of dealing with these types of problems without a lot of devastation. It is earth shattering to be excluded at this age and if there is a pattern of it, especially in a school where there aren't a lot of choices for avoiding it, it can have very negative life long effects. Children do get to a point where they need to just deal with things without a parent calling the school, but seven isn't that point.

OP I think you should call the teacher and ask if she can give you more insight into the how the girls interact. Tell her what happened and that you are worried that it is part of a bigger pattern of exclusion. Sometimes kids put up with a lot of meanness because they really don't want to be the only one without a friend. My dd did this with the girl who lives around the corner from us and she didn't really start talking about it until she stopped going to the same school and found some friends who actually treat her nicely.

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

I'd hope that a 7 year old would still have the basic honesty to say "when you do xyz, it makes me mad" and they decency to accept "I'm sorry, I won't do xyz." or "I have to do xyz, but if I did xyz this other way, would that be okay."

I think this is oversimplifying the friendship dynamics of kids. Many 7 yo children will not have the maturity to understand exactly what makes them mad, how to fix it, and how to communicate it. Hurt feelings, competition, jealousy, etc can all come into play and make things hard for young kids to be this clear and effective.

I don't think the OP should turn to the school to "fix" the situation. I think she should turn to the school (the teacher) for better understanding of the real reason her dd was not invited.

[Three~Little~Birds]

Originally Posted by One_Girl

This is a seven year old child. I think it is easy to assume that seven is old enough to deal with these things on your own when your child isn't anywhere near that age yet or has gone so far past that age that you really can't remember them being anything but confident, but they really aren't that mature and capable of dealing with these types of problems without a lot of devastation. It is earth shattering to be excluded at this age and if there is a pattern of it, especially in a school where there aren't a lot of choices for avoiding it, it can have very negative life long effects. Children do get to a point where they need to just deal with things without a parent calling the school, but seven isn't that point.

OP I think you should call the teacher and ask if she can give you more insight into the how the girls interact. Tell her what happened and that you are worried that it is part of a bigger pattern of exclusion. Sometimes kids put up with a lot of meanness because they really don't want to be the only one without a friend.

I agree with all of this. I would definitely be interested in knowing what the teacher(s) think the dynamics were at recess, too. Hopefully there isn't any bullying going on - but there might be.

Discussions with the school do not preclude the OP helping and supporting her DD deal with this in a positive manner - to suggest that is ridiculous.

OP - I am sorry that you and your DD have to deal with this. Nothing hurts more than watching your child hurt.

[treeoflife3]

I was TEN when I was completely iced out by my only friends. I didn't know how to express it to my mom. Thankfully I had an awesome teacher who stepped in and said this wasn't right at ALL because we were so close all of a few days ago. She made the four of us see... it must have been a counselor... to work out our problems.

even at ten I would have been devistated to be the ONLY person left out and very confused when I wasn't left out the year before.

In the OP's situation, I could MAYBE understand if the daughter hadn't been invited the year before either, but she WAS invited and now she isn't. only four girls at a large house around the corner and she was invited before.... I feel like something else is going on and I agree that the OP should call the school to find out if her daughter maybe hasn't figured out how to explain that these girls aren't very good friends and something hurtful is going on and has been going on.

I wouldn't say it is the school's responsibility to deal with party invitations, but certainly the teacher can give insight so the OP has a better understanding of why only one girl of only four girls wasn't invited when she was invited before.

I think that is the key, she was invited before. Why not this year? why now to do the preschool only thing? Were they spending the whole party reminiscing about preschool and watching videos and looking at photos of it? It is unusual when this wasn't an issue the year prior. Especially when the mom doesn't seem to care at ALL that ONLY one girl was left out... and KNOWS she was left out.

[Mom2M]

Originally Posted by pregnant@40

I agree w/ the OP, it's cruel. Kids start to exclude one another at a young age & form cliques, and it's the parents' responsibility to teach them how hurtful this behavior can be. Where is the empathy?

Exactly. This is what's wrong, parents are supposed to set the example and teach kindness. There is no reason for 7 year old girls to learn how to be nasty and exclude others, this is the age to teach them to be aware of others and their feelings and how their actions affect others.

Just because it happens all the time doesn't mean it is right and should be left unchanged.

[3xMama]

I'm totally appalled at the situation. The excuse of only inviting the girls who "went to preschool together" is really freaking lame, especially since that was two years ago which is a big chunk of time to a seven year old. Kids live very much in the present, they don't need to have a preschool reunion, kwim?!

I do agree with checking in with the teacher to make sure that this isn't a bigger issue. Whereas I'd like to think kids that age aren't deliberately mean, I also know they can be. At a young age (4 or 5), I was taunted by our next door neighbors granddaughter that she would have a friend over, but *I* couldn't go over because she didn't like me. She'd yell this at me in the yard and then turn around and ask to come over to my house cuz she liked me--then play with my toys and ignore me. So yes, I think kids at that age and younger can be mean to each other. Its also very possible that they are just emulating the behavior they see from their parents.

That being said, I certainly hope it isn't catty meanness on the part of the other girls in your dd's class. Its possible that it is the parents (or the mother, who sounds like a real piece of work) don't think your dd is good enough to be with their kid. Maybe they think your social levels are too far apart-that's what I really get from it. I kinda feel like the mother is looking down her nose at you from atop her high horse giving you an obvious lie.

Whatever the cause, I think it would be a good idea to see what's going on in during a typical day at school and then plan your course of action-if one is needed at all. Hopefully, this is just a blip on the timeline and everyone is actually getting along well. No matter what, with extra love and support, your dd will get past it. Hugs to you both!

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by thyra

Going to the school won't teach your dd anything.

My kids are 12 and 14 and have attended both public and private school. The schools they've attended all have policies in place to prevent exactly this sort of thing because it is considered unacceptable behavior.

At the schools my kids have attended, the teachers would WANT to know what was going on.

You are right that how the mom deals with this with her DD is VERY important, and that there are lessons for her to learn. None the less, I still think that parent should talk to the teacher.

[kcstar]

Originally Posted by thyra

I think you need to chill out a bit. This happens EVERY year with girls - its not limited to high school, and as much as parents try, it can't be eliminated. I think your energy would be better spent empathizing with your dd about how yes it hurts, and its not fair, but she's still an awesome little girl. NOT placing blame (when really, you have no idea who made up the rule - the mother could have just been the messenger), and getting angry about it. It happens, it will happen to your dd more than once. Should it? No. Will it? Yes. It's part of life, it sucks, but thats life.

Just my $0.02, but I think this statement is out of line.

I do not think it is okay to exclude one girl in four. I do not think that exclusion is a "necessary life lesson". This is the road to bullying. When I was growing up, this would be more of middle-school behavior. I am VERY disturbed to see bullying behavior start younger and younger. Namecalling in DS' preschool. Exclusion in this elementary school. We need to teach our children better.