So upset....leaving 1 child out of a brithday party?! - Page 4

[PGTlatte]

IMO whatever the reason was, it was mean and it stinks.

I also think that whatever people want to do outside of school and in their own homes is their private business..but especially in a class with only four girls, if any exclusion is taking place at school, it is a matter for the school to deal with, because exclusion is a type of bullying. I would probably speak to the teacher about it and ask if she could please keep an eye on the situation with the girls at school.

[NiteNicole]

Putting my daughter in school is going to break my heart. She is that kid who loves and wants to be friends with everyone. Everyone gets left out eventually and it HURTS, I don't have any idea how to protect her from that - but I can certainly set an example and enforce the rule that we don't do that to other people.

OP, I'm so sorry. This is something that would upset me, too. It's not like there's anything you can do about it other than be hurt for your daughter and that's the frustrating part. You can't MAKE kids be friends or make parents instill basic kindness in their kids.

[madskye]

I empathized up thread--I don't think it's right. But if you're looking for some ideas on how to handle, the more I read the more I wonder how much of a relationship or friendship she has with the girls in the class? (Other than formal bday parties last year) Have you invited them to your home for playdates or been to theirs or done any outside of school activities with the other kids/families? Perhaps it's time to help your daughter make friends by inviting them over one by one and deepening her friendships?

[velochic]

The thing that puzzles me the most about this situation is that people here are advocating going to the school to resolve something that is a personal (outside of school) friendship activity/issue. It doesn't sound like invitations were issued at school.

We complain when schools "dictate" what happens at home and in our "free time", yet people are saying to go to the school because a NON-SCHOOL, PRIVATE function excluded someone?

This is between the two families. School is irrelevant unless there is bullying going on (and it doesn't seem that there is). The friendship dynamic is the factor here.

[serenbat]

I also think that whatever people want to do outside of school and in their own homes is their private business..but especially in a class with only four girls, if any exclusion is taking place at school, it is a matter for the school to deal with, because exclusion is a type of bullying. I would probably speak to the teacher about it and ask if she could please keep an eye on the situation with the girls at school.

YES!

while this is sad- I wonder how the school will take it given it did not take place in school?

How much do you expect or what is expected from the school regarding forcing a parent (for what ever reason) to include all?

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by velochic

The thing that puzzles me the most about this situation is that people here are advocating going to the school to resolve something that is a personal (outside of school) friendship activity/issue. It doesn't sound like invitations were issued at school.

We complain when schools "dictate" what happens at home and in our "free time", yet people are saying to go to the school because a NON-SCHOOL, PRIVATE function excluded someone?

This is between the two families. School is irrelevant unless there is bullying going on (and it doesn't seem that there is). The friendship dynamic is the factor here.

No, we aren't saying go to the school to resolve the issue. We're saying go to the school to see if you can better understand the issue.

The relationship between the op's dd and the birthday girl primarily exists at school. Who better than the teacher to shed light on the friendship dynamics between the girls?

[velochic]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

Who better than the teacher to shed light on the friendship dynamics between the girls?

The girls themselves?

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by velochic

The girls themselves?

At our school, the teacher would discuss the friendship issue with the girls. Our teachers, at least, are experienced and skilled in exploring this kind of issue sensitively--far more experienced and skilled than the girls themselves.

[mommahhh]

Originally Posted by babygirlie

I am so sad for you guys! And the reasonings... Life sucks get over it sounds like something a former bully would say. Doesn't mean anything to you unless you've been in THOSE shoes.

Um....yes, my thoughts exactly. As someone who was bullied for being really shy (and the youngest in my class) in grades 2 - 5, I have to say this way of thinking totally reminds me of the bully's moms. And yes, being bullied definitely affected my self-esteem. For years.

Originally Posted by AllisonR

I think it is crass. I could be way off, but an idea - does the mother have some issue with you, and is being a little passive-agressive and taking it out on your DD?

She couldn't possibly have any issue with me....she doesn't even know me. We only started at the school last year. But she invited my DD last year (and like I mentioned, the party went well and we sent a very nice gift). And her DD was invited to my DD's party (but they were going to be on vacation so her mom RSVP'd no). As for social standing, we definitely are way below them, but they don't know that...they've never been to our house.

Originally Posted by 3xMama

I do agree with checking in with the teacher to make sure that this isn't a bigger issue. Whereas I'd like to think kids that age aren't deliberately mean, I also know they can be.

I know they can be too. It is a really small school, so there aren't a lot of friendship choices. But overall, I don't think the girls are the kindest. Of course I'm not always there, but I have to say that in settings when I am observing, I definitely see a bit of an exclusionary attitude at times. My DD happens to be very shy in a group (I guess she got it from me ) and if someone has a stronger/more aggressive personality they can run right over her.

Originally Posted by madskye

I wonder how much of a relationship or friendship she has with the girls in the class?

Out of the other girls, she has one "best friend" and we have had several playdates with her. I tried to set up a playdate with another girl but it didn't happen. But we have decided to try to foster more of a relationship with the other girls as well.

I will speak with the school from the standpoint of a check-in just to see how the group dynamic is day-to-day. I will not be confronting the other mom. I don't feel like creating a "thing" with her. Her DD will be invited to my DD's birthday party this year again. Hopefully this will not happen again.

Thanks so much for all the replies.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by velochic

The thing that puzzles me the most about this situation is that people here are advocating going to the school to resolve something that is a personal (outside of school) friendship activity/issue. It doesn't sound like invitations were issued at school.

It involves the school because of the way it was handled. Leaving directly from the school together makes it a school issue as well. It was very "in your face."

Had everything about the party happened outside of school, you would be right.

[EarthMamaToBe]

So it's okay to exclude all the boys?

[mommahhh]

Originally Posted by EarthMamaToBe

So it's okay to exclude all the boys?

Yes, that is very very common practice here. All-girl parties (ex: Princess themes, etc), all-boy parties. It seems to start happening around age 4.

[mattemma04]

I stopped letting the kids go to birthday parties last year.The expense got to be to much.And declining only some invites led to hurt feelings.We do however still get invites every year,and usually it is not an issue for my kids.One birthday however the parent picked up the kids at school,and that upset my ds seeing them all excited going together.So I can only imagine how hard it must have been for your dd to see the other girls,and worse to know she was not invited.

I would let it go.Talk of the party should fade quickly among the girls.The bigger issue will be if this type of exclusion will continue not just with this girl,but will the others start excluding her too. I would worry about the daily interaction at the school.The excluding mom is teaching her dd it is OK to leave out one girl,so what if she starts doing this every day???

Emotional bullying is sometimes more painful than the physical bullying,and females are soooooo good at getting away with the emtional bullying.

All you can really do is keep treating others and their children with respect,and hope they will do the same.Avoid negative people when you can. I have dealt with both emotional bullies and physical ones in regards to my kids.Anti-bullying policies are a joke,because if the bullies parents are ok with it then it will not change.And schools really don't want to deal with social interaction issues.

Bet this mom was a queen bee(or wanna bee) during her school years.Maybe she has some sort of issue with you, and taking it out on your dd via exclusion was the easiest way to get at you.

I don't know about the school pick up issue.We get invited usually via the mail.If the school pick ups were to happen more often I might ask the adm. to request parents not pick up party kids during drop off.Not sure if they would do it,but it sure makes it hard on the kids not going to a party!

Hope it all passes soon and things resume to normal though I know you probably won't forget what was done.It has been 3 years and I still remember every detail of what my kids went through!

Best wishes!

[EarthMamaToBe]

Originally Posted by mommahhh

Yes, that is very very common practice here. All-girl parties (ex: Princess themes, etc), all-boy parties. It seems to start happening around age 4.

Weird it's different here, at that age the parties include both boys and girls but I am sure the boys would not appreciate princess themes! LOL

[Youngfrankenstein]

Originally Posted by mattemma04

Bet this mom was a queen bee(or wanna bee) during her school years.Maybe she has some sort of issue with you, and taking it out on your dd via exclusion was the easiest way to get at you.

I don't know how to quote multiple people so I will paraphrase the other poster who said they were mean because of their "large incomes".

I don't see how either of these things can be gleaned from this story...

Having said that, OP I am so sorry this happened for you dd. I know her life isn't ruined and she'll have other good times, but it stings so badly. At my son's 9th b-day NO ONE came to his party. No one called or R.S.V.P.'d either. It was such a painful day for all of us.

[EarthMamaToBe]

Originally Posted by Mom2M

Exactly. This is what's wrong, parents are supposed to set the example and teach kindness. There is no reason for 7 year old girls to learn how to be nasty and exclude others, this is the age to teach them to be aware of others and their feelings and how their actions affect others.

Just because it happens all the time doesn't mean it is right and should be left unchanged.

Just for discussion why should the Bday girl be forced to invite someone she does not want to (not saying she didn't in this case we don't know)? What does that teach exactly? Empathy? I don't think so. You can be sure forcing a child to issue an invite if they don't want to would escalate a situation.

And no I wasn't the bully I was the bullied AND I survived not being invited to parties too. Sometimes I think it is a much bigger deal for the Mommies than it is for the kids.

[mommahhh]

Originally Posted by Youngfrankenstein

At my son's 9th b-day NO ONE came to his party. No one called or R.S.V.P.'d either. It was such a painful day for all of us.

Just horrible. I'm so sorry.

Originally Posted by EarthMamaToBe

Just for discussion why should the Bday girl be forced to invite someone she does not want to (not saying she didn't in this case we don't know)? What does that teach exactly? Empathy? I don't think so.

Hmmm, sure I'll discuss that. If it were a larger class and my DD wanted to invite her 3 closest friends (as an example), I would have no problem with that. However, no way would I allow her to do this. It might be different if there was 1 particular girl that she had ongoing issues with. But I still would never ever exclude that one girl in such an obvious manner. I'm not sure exactly what I would do. I'm fairly certain I would address the issue so that there wasn't an ongoing problem in the first place! In any case, it doesn't pertain to this particular situation because my DD and this girl have no obvious issues.

Here's what I would say to my DD if she didn't want to invite ONE child:

"No, sorry. I am not going to allow you to exclude one child on a whim. You know why? It is cruel and unfair, and I know that is not the type of person you want to be. If you would rather not invite everyone, let's just have a family birthday party or you can invite your best friend out for lunch and a movie."

I honestly believe if more parents would be PARENTS and teach their children, they would grow up to be kinder adults. After all, children don't always make the best decisions...they need to be taught! In this case, these kids have only been on this earth for 7 years. They need a wise adult to guide them as to what is appropriate.

[EarthMamaToBe]

I must admit I'd love to know what possessed the Mother to exclude only one girl....

[EarthMamaToBe]

And OP you're sure there are no problems between the girls?

I ask b/c it reminds me of a similar situation my neighbor went through. Her kid was not invited and she went off on the other Mom and was finally told the reason her child was not invited was because her child was a bit of a bully and the other kids did not want her child there.

[mommahhh]

Originally Posted by EarthMamaToBe

And OP you're sure there are no problems between the girls?

I ask b/c it reminds me of a similar situation my neighbor went through. Her kid was not invited and she went off on the other Mom and was finally told the reason her child was not invited was because her child was a bit of a bully and the other kids did not want her child there.

Well I can understand how it would sound like maybe she is a trouble maker. But she isn't. And definitely in no way a bully. If anything though (when observing at the school) I would say the dynamic is there are 2 girls (one of who is the birthday girl) who have strong personalities and could be described as "bossy". She does make up games that can only have a few players which leaves my DD out since she tends to be the shyest. But I don't notice anything beyond that, and my DD never says anything to me about any type of issues. In fact, the only time DD even mentions this girl is in terms of saving this sillyband for her because she loves that animal, or "hey, ____ has that book too!". I don't get it.