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So upset....leaving 1 child out of a brithday party?! - Page 5

post #81 of 170
It really does seem like an odd thing to do...
post #82 of 170
forgive me, I'm a newbie, but I do have a question. Have you talked to the bday girl's actual mom? or just to another mom? The excuse given was just plain stupid and I wouldn't assume that the other mom knew what she was talking about.

I'm so sorry that this happened to your daughter. I remember being excluded a lot in school. Here is something you may want to explore, I remember in 1st and 2nd grade, the girl I called my best friend would come up to me at recess and tell me she wasn't my friend anymore just to see me cry. I still talked about her like she was the bestest friend ever and would save special things for her. I also didn't tell anyone what was going on. (we worked through our issues and are still good friends today) Maybe the teacher could shed some light on some classroom dynamics that could be playing into this?
post #83 of 170
Do the other moms seem to have established relationships with each other?

Considering that you don't know the bday girl's mom, and the invites were verbal, I wonder if she just failed to consider the "classmate" dynamic of this party. She invited the daughters of her friends' kids, without considering that amounted to 3 of 4 girls in the class. Who knows, maybe she, too, is shy, and she feels uncomfortable reaching out to you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Youngfrankenstein View Post
At my son's 9th b-day NO ONE came to his party. No one called or R.S.V.P.'d either. It was such a painful day for all of us.
That's awful

But, if no one RSVP'd, why not call a few days ahead and check if they were planning to attend? Did you have your ds ask his friends if they were coming?
post #84 of 170
Quote:
I must admit I'd love to know what possessed the Mother to exclude only one girl....
but there is no saying the OP would get the real answer even if she spoke to the mother

in our area, just because you pick up at the school does not really mean this is a school issue, many people pick up at the school but would not mean the school should be involved with this

the teacher may know why she wasn't asked and there could be issues the mom does not know about going on with the girls-again, how would you force a school to be involved and make a child be invited?
post #85 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommahhh View Post
Just horrible. I'm so sorry.



Hmmm, sure I'll discuss that. If it were a larger class and my DD wanted to invite her 3 closest friends (as an example), I would have no problem with that. However, no way would I allow her to do this. It might be different if there was 1 particular girl that she had ongoing issues with. But I still would never ever exclude that one girl in such an obvious manner. I'm not sure exactly what I would do. I'm fairly certain I would address the issue so that there wasn't an ongoing problem in the first place! In any case, it doesn't pertain to this particular situation because my DD and this girl have no obvious issues.

Here's what I would say to my DD if she didn't want to invite ONE child:

"No, sorry. I am not going to allow you to exclude one child on a whim. You know why? It is cruel and unfair, and I know that is not the type of person you want to be. If you would rather not invite everyone, let's just have a family birthday party or you can invite your best friend out for lunch and a movie."

I honestly believe if more parents would be PARENTS and teach their children, they would grow up to be kinder adults. After all, children don't always make the best decisions...they need to be taught! In this case, these kids have only been on this earth for 7 years. They need a wise adult to guide them as to what is appropriate.
Thank you for this, I couldn't agree more. I also recommend the book "You can't say you can't play," and this post http://marthabrockenbrough.squarespa...-our-kids.html
Here is one quote from it:

Quote:
But for crying out loud, don't make it seem like rejecting another child's friendly overtures is some sort of noble or enlightened choice. It's not. It's mean and selfish. Unless there are safety issues, it's a way to send a message to your child that you don't have to care about anyone unless it's an easy thing for you to do.

Loving other people isn't always easy. But if we don't teach our kids how to love--or at least respect--their fellow human beings when they are small, they will never learn this.
post #86 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post
Have you contacted the school? Most schools have policies in place so that this kind of thing doesn't happen.

The problem, IMHO, isn't that there was a party that she wasn't invited to. It's HOW it was done. And it's important to make sure that this doesn't repeat for other kids parties or every year. It's really unacceptable.

Talk to the school!!!!!
I agree here, but I'd talk to the teacher, actually. As a pp said, ask if s(he) has any idea why this happened and if your DD is being included while at school. Most schools do have rules meant to discourage this type of exclusionary behavior.

I think that was an awful thing to do to a little girl.

I also have a huge problem with how it was done. Why did they all have to leave school together, in front of your daughter? Ridiculous.
post #87 of 170
This happened to my DS when he was 5. His twin sister was invited to a birthday party of a girl in their nursery school class. THE MOTHER even told me - to my face- that it was a girl's only party.
So we thought, no big deal, DS was totally fine with it (because it was a girls party)
So DS is in the car when I'm dropping off DD and who comes running up the sidewalk? His two best friends. BOYS. With gifts. Then a couple more pull in as we're leaving.
I found out the next day that it was only DS that wasn't invited.
He was so sad, and didn't understand why, he even said 'maybe I'm not nice enough or something....' : (
Anyway, just before summer the mother asked me for my number so her jerky kid could have playdates with DD. As if. I just said "no....I don't think so..." and walked away. (and felt pretty good too)

Sorry you're going through this....kids (and parents) can be really cruel sometimes.
post #88 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by velochic View Post
The thing that puzzles me the most about this situation is that people here are advocating going to the school to resolve something that is a personal (outside of school) friendship activity/issue. It doesn't sound like invitations were issued at school.

We complain when schools "dictate" what happens at home and in our "free time", yet people are saying to go to the school because a NON-SCHOOL, PRIVATE function excluded someone?

This is between the two families. School is irrelevant unless there is bullying going on (and it doesn't seem that there is). The friendship dynamic is the factor here.
This situation points to the possibility of some deeper exclusion going on which can be bullying and that is the responsibility of the school. The schools my dd has attended and that I have worked in have wanted to know about things like this so they can look for, redirect, and prevent as much as possible because they can get in a lot of trouble with the district and with lawsuits. They also like to step in and redirect to more appropriate interactions before a cycle/bullying occurs. It is not something that can be dealt with at home if it mostly happens at school and kids aren't always accurate about the friendship because they really want friends or they are the ones doing it and they don't see anything wrong with doing these things.
post #89 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by childsplay View Post
This happened to my DS when he was 5. His twin sister was invited to a birthday party of a girl in their nursery school class. THE MOTHER even told me - to my face- that it was a girl's only party.
So we thought, no big deal, DS was totally fine with it (because it was a girls party)
So DS is in the car when I'm dropping off DD and who comes running up the sidewalk? His two best friends. BOYS. With gifts. Then a couple more pull in as we're leaving.
I found out the next day that it was only DS that wasn't invited.
He was so sad, and didn't understand why, he even said 'maybe I'm not nice enough or something....' : (
Anyway, just before summer the mother asked me for my number so her jerky kid could have playdates with DD. As if. I just said "no....I don't think so..." and walked away. (and felt pretty good too)

Sorry you're going through this....kids (and parents) can be really cruel sometimes.
Wow. I don't even know what to say. I just can't believe this.
post #90 of 170
[QUOTE=EarthMamaToBe;16012555]Just for discussion why should the Bday girl be forced to invite someone she does not want to (not saying she didn't in this case we don't know)? What does that teach exactly? Empathy? I don't think so. You can be sure forcing a child to issue an invite if they don't want to would escalate a situation.

QUOTE]

They're kids though. They'll like or dislike a classmate a hundred different times for a hundred different things. My kids often tell me that they don't like so-and-so in their class. When I ask why, they don't really have an answer, a valid one anyway. And 'because he chews like a goat' or 'her jacket makes my brain hurt' are not valid answers.
I think by inviting the child in question anyway is giving the party child an oppertunity to spend time with the child in a non-school situation. I think it opens the door to potential friendships.
We always invite the whole class....even though DS said no goat chewer he had to invite him anyway, and lo and behold, they really hit it off at the party over a box of army men. They now have a good friendship that they probably wouldn't have had if I had of listened to my 7 y/o and NOT invited him.
post #91 of 170
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by childsplay View Post
We always invite the whole class....even though DS said no goat chewer he had to invite him anyway, and lo and behold, they really hit it off at the party over a box of army men. They now have a good friendship that they probably wouldn't have had if I had of listened to my 7 y/o and NOT invited him.

Obviously you are a kind, thinking, reasonable adult and you are teaching your child well. : blowkiss Not sure why everyone can't act this way, but such is life.
post #92 of 170
I was bullied as a child. I was excluded from parties. Through high school. Dd (8) gets excluded from parties. (She is not bullied.) She is in a private school with only 5 girls in HER class. I'm aware, first-hand, of the dynamics that are involved here.

I guess I'm still wondering how as AP parents we can advocate for our children to have their feelings validated, but tell them that they have to have people at their birthday party that they don't want to be there.

See, I think that parenting a child is teaching them that they are not ENTITLED to be invited just because they happen to be in the same school room as another child.

It's O.K. to exclude the boys, but not the one girl that for *whatever* reason, they didn't want to be there? Why is one any worse than the other? It's O.K. to exclude because they have a penis, but not if they're just not wanted there.

I'm sorry, but I just think that being included is a privilege and being excluded is the norm. It's life. At 7 or at 70. And I absolutely do not think this is a "mean girls" syndrome or queen bee issue. It was probably either an oversight or the little girl just didn't want the OP's dd or the OP herself at the party. It is their prerogative. There is no way I'd want to be invited to something just so I'm not the only one excluded (or dd for that matter). You should want people to invite you because they truly want you there. If they're doing it out of pity, what kind of invite is that, in the end???? How would you feel if you found out after the fact that they didn't really want you there, but invited you anyway? IMO, that would be worse.
post #93 of 170
Quote:
This situation points to the possibility of some deeper exclusion going on which can be bullying and that is the responsibility of the school. The schools my dd has attended and that I have worked in have wanted to know about things like this so they can look for, redirect, and prevent as much as possible because they can get in a lot of trouble with the district and with lawsuits. They also like to step in and redirect to more appropriate interactions before a cycle/bullying occurs.

bolding- really? do you know for sure-none one her really does
is a school forced to make a parent have a "bully" (what ever child it is) come to a party or prevent the "bully" from having a party outside of school?

and how does a school deal with this? is the school to force a parent to make a child invite everyone? could not the BOYS parents complain-where does the line get crossed? in this situation what was the school to do- have the party canceled or force the child to be invited?

if the school is so small, go to the teacher-question the teacher to see if there really is another issue here or not instead of jumping to conclusions

Quote:
I guess I'm still wondering how as AP parents we can advocate for our children to have their feelings validated, but tell them that they have to have people at their birthday party that they don't want to be there.
-wondering the same???
post #94 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommahhh View Post
thday girl) who have strong personalities and could be described as "bossy". She does make up games that can only have a few players which leaves my DD out since she tends to be the shyest.
Um ,that would actually be a huge problem if she's doing that every day. I certainly hope the teacher mentions it to you when you ask about dynamics problems and outlines what she'll be doing to stop that. If she can invent games for 3 people, she can invent games for 4 people. (And 5 and 6 and 7 when/if boys want to play too.)
post #95 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by childsplay View Post
This happened to my DS when he was 5. His twin sister was invited to a birthday party of a girl in their nursery school class. THE MOTHER even told me - to my face- that it was a girl's only party.
So we thought, no big deal, DS was totally fine with it (because it was a girls party)
So DS is in the car when I'm dropping off DD and who comes running up the sidewalk? His two best friends. BOYS. With gifts. Then a couple more pull in as we're leaving.
I found out the next day that it was only DS that wasn't invited.
He was so sad, and didn't understand why, he even said 'maybe I'm not nice enough or something....' : (
Anyway, just before summer the mother asked me for my number so her jerky kid could have playdates with DD. As if. I just said "no....I don't think so..." and walked away. (and felt pretty good too)

Sorry you're going through this....kids (and parents) can be really cruel sometimes.
I know it's harder to think in the moment, but as someone who is looking at the situation from the 20/20 vision of hindsight, I wish you you had gone up and knocked on the door and taken your dd and the present away. (And bought a little cake or balloons or whatever your kids like about birthday parties. )

"I'm sorry dd, you can't stay at this party because I can't trust Kid's Mommy"
post #96 of 170
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by velochic View Post
It's O.K. to exclude the boys, but not the one girl that for *whatever* reason, they didn't want to be there? Why is one any worse than the other? It's O.K. to exclude because they have a penis, but not if they're just not wanted there.
See these replies are awesome!! Because I have never been able to understand how "those types of people" think (i.e. the ones who would even consider excluding one child). Now I get a front row seat...thanks! Anyway, if you cannot understand how it is different to exclude 1 girl from an all-girl party than excluding the 9 boys in the class, then sorry, I guess we are just from different universes. Boys and girls don't have co-ed parties here. I'm sure the boys really didn't want to make beaded bracelets and have a tea party anyway.
post #97 of 170

Balance

Quote:
Originally Posted by velochic View Post
I guess I'm still wondering how as AP parents we can advocate for our children to have their feelings validated, but tell them that they have to have people at their birthday party that they don't want to be there.
Parents should validate their child's feelings, but they might also want to teach their kids to be mindful and aware others.

Yes, you have feelings, but other people have feelings too.

I hope to teach our kids to consider their wants and needs within the context of what other people want and need.

All kids can't be included in all things. That doesn't mean kids can't learn sensitivity and tact.
post #98 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommahhh View Post
See these replies are awesome!! Because I have never been able to understand how "those types of people" think (i.e. the ones who would even consider excluding one child). Now I get a front row seat...thanks! Anyway, if you cannot understand how it is different to exclude 1 girl from an all-girl party than excluding the 9 boys in the class, then sorry, I guess we are just from different universes. Boys and girls don't have co-ed parties here. I'm sure the boys really didn't want to make beaded bracelets and have a tea party anyway.
But now you're generalizing the boys by making blanket statements about them. My little brother got invited to EVERYONE's bday party when he was a kid - even the girl parties (yes, even an all girl slumber party, it is a little ridiculous how charming he is) - and LOVED to have tea parties with them b/c he just loves to be around people (girls in particular, not really sure why).

If we're going to teach children not to exclude others, lets at least try to teach them that people, girls AND boys, are individuals and should not be defined by their gender.

ETA - I also don't like how some sarcasm is coming through in your posts. If you can't post sincerely, can you please just not post? When you post on a web-board, you get a lot of different perspectives, and saying that we're from different universes is kinda rude.
post #99 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommahhh View Post
Out of the other girls, she has one "best friend" and we have had several playdates with her. I tried to set up a playdate with another girl but it didn't happen. But we have decided to try to foster more of a relationship with the other girls as well.

I will speak with the school from the standpoint of a check-in just to see how the group dynamic is day-to-day. I will not be confronting the other mom. I don't feel like creating a "thing" with her. Her DD will be invited to my DD's birthday party this year again. Hopefully this will not happen again.

Thanks so much for all the replies.
You sound really level-headed.

I think it was mean and wrong for this party to go down the way it did, but I do think going forward strengthening relationships is a good approach.

I also think that sometimes when our kids are hurt and it is unfair the best we can do is teach them how to deal with hurtful, unfair situations with grace. Good for you.
post #100 of 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by childsplay View Post
This happened to my DS when he was 5. His twin sister was invited to a birthday party of a girl in their nursery school class. ... So DS is in the car when I'm dropping off DD and who comes running up the sidewalk? His two best friends. BOYS. With gifts.


unbelievable!

Quote:
Originally Posted by velochic View Post
... how as AP parents we can advocate for our children to have their feelings validated, but tell them that they have to have people at their birthday party that they don't want to be there.
I'll bite. I've said over and over to talk to the school.

Last year, my DD didn't invite her entire class, or even all the girls, to her birthday party.

We didn't hand out invitations at school, and the parents had to drive their kids to my house. How hard is that? Pretty basic, pretty simple. It's just polite (it's also the policy of the public school where she going).

People can make their guest list however they choose. *Most* schools work to avoid exclusionary behavior. Both statements are completely true.

As far as the only boys/only girls thing, most kids learn about this very young, and it was hard on one of my kids when she realized that one of her best friends wasn't inviting her because of her gender, but it's SO common that kids get over it pretty quick. It's not personal. Being the only of your gender left out is different because it IS personal.

None the less, the rules at the schools my kids have attended are exactly the same without regard to gender. In elementary school, if you aren't inviting the whole darn class, no invitations are passed out at school.

This is pretty much an elementary school issue, so concerns that it will carry over to college are bogus. Once kids start changing classes for each subject, the dynamic is totally different.
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