Handling people's questions

[slseiswirth]

Specifically I guess if you work? A lot of people are already asking questions about who my doctor is and where I will deliver. I guess my best bet outside of telling our family members and close friends is just to lie? That is so not me, but I don't think I can explain myself over and over again to everyone who asks about our birthing plans. I am only 9 weeks and it is already starting to come up with nearly everyone who is finding out we are expecting.

[L&K'smommie]

At only 9 weeks you could always say you are still looking into it or weighing your options. I just kind of avoided the topic with certain people saying I was seeing a midwife but not mentioning that I was birthing at home and not at a hospital or birth center.

[MegBoz]

If you really, truly don't want to get into it, you can just name your back-up/transfer hospital & maybe get a name of the best ( or least hostile) midwifery or OB practice there.

But personally I say I'm planning an HB. With family, we're not mentioning it because I don't want the stress & really don't want the grief if I transfer: "I told you so! Oh THANK GOD you made it to the hospital, oh what would have happened if you had stayed home?! I can't believe you tried to stay home in the first place!" Um, yeah, don't want to face that so we're keeping quiet.

But I'm not so worried about that with co-workers. I will say I think it's also infinitely easier for me because I've had a natural birth once already. When I was PG with DS, both my DH & I would hear constantly, "Oh just wait- you'll be begging for that epidural!"

Funny, people love to hang that over your head. I'm still getting it! "Oh, just wait until you have 2 kids, Meg! YOU HAVE NO IDEA what you're in for."

Then when I've had 2 for a few years, I betcha I'll start to hear, "Oh Meg, you have no idea, JUST WAIT until you have teenagers."

Whatever, bite me.


OK, but I digress. Point is, I've "BTDT" as far as natural birth is concerned & my DS was ALMOST born at home anyway (1st stage went faster than anticipated & I was still at home when I felt the urge to push - had to fight it for the 25 min journey to the hospital!)

If you want tips on what to say if people gasp and ask, "Isn't that dangerous?!" There are lots of great theads on that! My fav are to point out that my MW has 20 years of experience & brings LOTS of medical equipment with her - there is a lot she can handle out-of-hospital. Secondly, about one-third of births in The Netherlands are HB & their rates of maternal & fetal mortality & morbidity are among the best in the world - whereas ours are shockingly high. It's not that HB is crazy & weird - it's that maternity care in the US is crazy & weird! (In that ACOG & AMA vehemently oppose HB in all cases.)

But if you DON'T want to get into it, then don't. You don't owe anyone anything, just name an OB practice & your transfer hospital & then change the subject to something like nursery decor. As I'm sure you'll come to realize, the mainstream American mama puts alot more thought, effort, time & energy into nursery decor than birth. Sad but true.

[MegBoz]

One more thing - you'll be asked your due date - LIE! LIE LIE LIE! Oh, the grief I got when I gave the specific date (didn't know any better at first) and the "stupid due date" is set at 40W 0D, whereas AVERAGE for first-time-moms is 41W1D. But I started getting, "No baby yet?! You're still here?!" at like 38W! I was ready to snap by 40W (especially b/c I wasn't even having any BH Ctrx & was getting nervous about not going into labor on my own. Intellectually, I realize this was silly, but, ya know.)

So if your due date is like May 8, I'd say just "May" or "mid-to-late May" & not get more specific.

Mine is March 11, but it's really a FIVE WEEK RANGE that's considered normal in the medical community (37 to 42W - and many of us here think it's also fine to go beyond 42W too!)

One lady who takes the aerobics class I teach asked my due date and I said, "March" she replies, "March.." with this tone & look like, "Meg, WTH, are you gonna answer the question?" Truthfully, the answer is, "Late Feb to Late March" since - again, it's a 5-week range! Why does everyone get so hung up on ONE SPECIFIC DAY - it's not like the "Due date" for a term paper - where early is fine, but if you go beyond it, you're in trouble.

When you get near that date, you may also be asked if you're dilated. Again, since you're planning an HB, I should hope your MW won't even DO vaginal exams in late pregnancy anyway - but if you went, for some reason, to an OB, you might as well refuse since it means NOTHING to be dilated and/or effaced (unless you want to consider induction) but it means NOTHING as to when you'll go into labor & have the baby.

But people will ask. Nothing is sacred - but I'm fond of trying to educate people, so those who asked got a lecture from me on how it was worthless info. Pretty soon, as might be expected, people who wanted to keep their heads in the sand on birth stopped asking me Qs.

[Evergreen]

With my first two I was so excited about it I told everyone and anyone including hospital workers when I went to visit friends who had just had their babies. When I had to transfer with dd2 it kind of humbled me. Maybe too much. I am planning a HB (I'm 10 weeks but not completely "out" with the pregnancy yet.) but I am telling people I haven't decided where I am giving birth or that I am keeping my options open.

[Ola_]

Folks who are local to me often ask who my doctor is, or if I've seen my doctor yet. I respond that we have a midwife, but that is not quite as strange here since they are legislated in Ontario. But often the next question is are we having the baby at the hospital, to which my honest answer is "we haven't decided yet" (which is true, I'm still working on convincing DH ).

Meg, good idea on not telling the date. I've been saying "sometime in april" so far but I'm thinking people just figure I don't have an exact date cause it's still early. The few that have asked about an exact date I just explain that babies come when they want to so I'm not getting hung up on just one day. I pity the person who asks me how dialated I am - they are going to get an earful!

[Evergreen]

Originally Posted by Ola_

I pity the person who asks me how dialated I am - they are going to get an earful!

Aughhh! I can't even imagine asking someone on a casual basis to describe her cervix?!?!?! Why do people do this?!?!?!

[MO_Bookwyrm]

I personally don't lie to people when they ask me. I tell 'em straight up that I am using a midwife. Then comes the question, "Can they deliver in a hospital?" I say that some can, but we are planning a homebirth. Depending on their reaction I either continue or just change the subject. I haven't had too many "bad" reactions. Actually, only one that I can think of.

Where due date is concerned I just say March. My EDD is March 14...smack dab in the middle of the month. If they ask for more I tell them "Well, March 14, but it can be 2 weeks either direction, so March it is." Usually they kind of nod and laugh.

[MnMtm]

I am a nurse, and working within the medical field, I have definitely gotten some negative reactions from co-workers and doctors. However, I am always more educated about my decision than any of them are, so the discussion has always ended with them being unable to really explain why a hospital is safer. You only have to have the discussion a few times before people learn enough to not challange you, at least that's been my experience.

One of my favorites was when I was pregnant with DS, a L&D said to me, "Anytime I've seen a baby born at home be transferred here, there's always something wrong, or they're really sick," To which I responded, "Yes, most of the adult's that come to the hospital have something wrong with them, or are really sick, too. That's why they're in the hospital. Most homebirth babies never come to the hospital because they are born healthy and fine." She went on with, "Still, I wouldn't want to take the chance," to which I responded, "I wouldn't want to take the risks associated with a routine hospital birth. Did you know that according to the World Health Organization, bothe the infant and maternal mortality rates are the second highest in the industrialized world? The way we routinely manage childbirth is definitely not the safest way to do it."

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by Evergreen

Aughhh! I can't even imagine asking someone on a casual basis to describe her cervix?!?!?! Why do people do this?!?!?!

Yup, pretty nuts, isn't it? I had co-workers I barely knew ask me. One had 3 kids & the other 1 kid, so I think people think, "I've BTDT, we're all women, we can chat about this sort of thing."

Honestly I kinda like the opportunity it presents to educate people. Modern American maternity care perpetuates a heck of a lot of idiotic myths, so I appreciate an opportunity to play a hand in clearing them up.

One of those ladies actually said to me, "You sure like a stat!" Um, yeah, that's what you SHOULD base medical decisions on - science & stats!

[porttack]

I am 34 weeks and I've managed to keep our choice to HB our first mostly out of the public ear. I don't ashamed of my choice, not at all, but I do not want to have to defend my choice and lack of experience to someone who has birthed before and is totally bent on painkillers. I also don't want to be made to feel like I couldn't do it, in case there is a need for a transfer. With my next, I hope to speak with experience and confidence and educate anyone who questions my choice.

[slseiswirth]

I had a natural childbirth with my second son and went to 42 weeks so the people at work already think I am kind of crazy. I was open last pregnancy with not having ultrasounds or cervical checks or doing any of the routine testing. I guess I just really need to decide what I am willing to share this time around. Midwifery has just been legalized here so it is definitely not the norm. I think there are a few people who would really attempt to let me have it if they heard of my plans.

[AmaraMonillas]

I tell people I am birthing at home if they ask. I haven't gotten any overtly negative responses, just some curiosity and lots of people trying to act like it is as normal to them as I make it sound

It probably helps that my friends are not even thinking about having kids yet, and lots of them know I want to be a midwife. Also, Seattle is definitely on the crunchy side of things.

[Caryliz]

Really, I wouldn't lie about it - better to just be vague if people are making you uncomfortable. Personally, I just come out and tell people. Those who know me are way not surprised, those who don't know me as well are usually shocked into silence

One advantage of being honest about this (aside from not being trapped in a specific lie you forgot you told) is that you never know where your biggest sources of support are going to come from - and those little surprises are very, very nice!

Just last week, the mother of a boy DS played T-ball with in the spring called me out of the blue to ask if we might be interested in a winter indoor soccer league for the boys. Mind you, I had a number of very nice conversations with this woman at T-ball practice, but I'd never been to her house, and it's not like we were friends. Midway into our conversation, she asked if it was true I'm expecting. Startled (heck, I'm visibly pregnant, but I haven't seen her for a good 3 months, so she doesn't know that), I asked how she knew. She just laughed, named a chain of events (her neighbor Joanne heard it from Rebecca at the library who heard it from Judy whose sister is Lisa the school bus driver who heard it from my son), and said, "You live in a small town now, girl [we recently moved here from NYC], you have to get used to everyone being all up in your business!" After we stopped laughing, she asked the usual question about where we were planning to give birth. When I said the plan was to do it at home, she said, "Really?! That's what we did and we had SUCH an amazing experience!!" She went on to tell me how her DS was born in a local hospital, but she had such a terrible time that she and her DH were determined to find a more family-positive, low-intervention alternative for when their DD was born last year.

And now, thanks to this woman I barely know, I have a local homebirth ally in this small (pop. 1600 or so), right-of-center, not terribly crunchy village in which we live! I'm really glad I didn't lie about our choices. (Of course, by now Joanne the neighbor, Rebecca at the library, Judy the bus driver's sister and Lisa the bus driver probably all know about our plan, too...LOL!!!)

Hang in there, mama! to you as you work out your choices.

[smeep]

I tell everyone and I'm not shy about it either. I just answer their questions nice and simply.

Q: "What hospital are you going to/who's your doctor?"
A: "I'm birthing with a midwife."

Q: "Isn't it safer to be in a hospital?"
A: "For low-risk women, birthing at home or a freestanding birth is as safe or safer than a hospital."

Q: "What if you need a c-section?"
A: "Chances are we'll know before it becomes emergent but even if it does become emergent my midwife can call ahead and I'll be at the hospital before the OR is even ready if I need a cesarean."

So on and so forth. The more they question, the more I answer. I keep it pretty simple, unless the conversation goes towards the deep end and they really want to hear a lot of stuff. But keeping the answers simple and factual really helps keep me from feeling like a broken record player. If all they ask is doctor and I say midwife, and they don't ask another question, I leave it at that. If they inquire further, I answer accordingly.

[smeep]

Originally Posted by Caryliz

Really, I wouldn't lie about it - better to just be vague if people are making you uncomfortable. Personally, I just come out and tell people. Those who know me are way not surprised, those who don't know me as well are usually shocked into silence

One advantage of being honest about this (aside from not being trapped in a specific lie you forgot you told) is that you never know where your biggest sources of support are going to come from - and those little surprises are very, very nice!

Just last week, the mother of a boy DS played T-ball with in the spring called me out of the blue to ask if we might be interested in a winter indoor soccer league for the boys. Mind you, I had a number of very nice conversations with this woman at T-ball practice, but I'd never been to her house, and it's not like we were friends. Midway into our conversation, she asked if it was true I'm expecting. Startled (heck, I'm visibly pregnant, but I haven't seen her for a good 3 months, so she doesn't know that), I asked how she knew. She just laughed, named a chain of events (her neighbor Joanne heard it from Rebecca at the library who heard it from Judy whose sister is Lisa the school bus driver who heard it from my son), and said, "You live in a small town now, girl [we recently moved here from NYC], you have to get used to everyone being all up in your business!" After we stopped laughing, she asked the usual question about where we were planning to give birth. When I said the plan was to do it at home, she said, "Really?! That's what we did and we had SUCH an amazing experience!!" She went on to tell me how her DS was born in a local hospital, but she had such a terrible time that she and her DH were determined to find a more family-positive, low-intervention alternative for when their DD was born last year.

And now, thanks to this woman I barely know, I have a local homebirth ally in this small (pop. 1600 or so), right-of-center, not terribly crunchy village in which we live! I'm really glad I didn't lie about our choices. (Of course, by now Joanne the neighbor, Rebecca at the library, Judy the bus driver's sister and Lisa the bus driver probably all know about our plan, too...LOL!!!)

Hang in there, mama! to you as you work out your choices.

It's amazing how those things pop up, huh? I've had a few instances like that, where I REALLY expected the typical response and got an, "Oh, me too!!!" response instead. And I have certainly given them! I worked as a cashier for a long time and I would get pregnant women in and when I asked where they were birthing, occasionally I would get ones that would say at home or a FSBC, and you could just TELL by the softness of their voice and the look in their eyes that they were expecting a negative response. Of course, all they got was loving encouragement! Same for the mamas (especially with older babies) when I asked if they were nursing. I even had several older women (50-70+ years old) who I got on the subject of nursing with and when I asked how long they nursed, they got a little quiet and didn't look directly at me and said 2/3/4 years...to which I got super ecstatic and told them how amazing that was! And then you could see the timidness melt away again.

This is why I love telling people...some people need to know they're not alone, some people are so full-on in the NCB/AP community that they can give you resources, and it educates a lot of other people.

Funny thing, though, I remember one couple in particular who were having a homebirth. It was the dad who originally told me they were having a homebirth and he was ALWAYS very vocal about it and excited to come through my line so he could tell me the latest developments. Mum was obviously very happy with it, but dad was just sooooo enthusiastic, it killed me. I also had another guy who came in and goes, "I'm a daddy again! My wife just gave birth to our new little girl earlier this afternoon so I'm grocery shopping." The wheels started turning a bit (because if it was a hospital birth, wouldn't he BE in the hospital? lol)...then he wanted to show me pictures on his phone (typical dad, haha) and immediately I could tell it was NOT a hospital birth. No one was wearing scrubs, there was no medical equipment around, and there were only nice, fluffy towels, and you could see the entire family in the room. I go, "You didn't have her in a hospital, did you?" (with a smile on my face) and he goes, "No, she gave birth at a freestanding birth center." I was totally over it and told him that I did the same and thought it was amazing!!!

Anyway, sorry for the rambling...just reminiscing over super awesome NCB/BF conversations. Which happen because a question was asked and the answer was the truth.

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by Caryliz

One advantage of being honest about this (aside from not being trapped in a specific lie you forgot you told) is that you never know where your biggest sources of support are going to come from - and those little surprises are very, very nice!

While I agree it's true- you'll never know where you'll get support - you do NOT have to fess up about your HB plans in order to find support. I'd just like to present the other side of the argument here.

For example, to a newly PG mama, if the concept of birth comes up, I will generally mention, "I had an awesome natural birth with MWs in a hospital." Simply because when *I* was a newly PG mama, I did not know ONE PERSON IRL who actually had a natural birth on purpose and was happy with it! No, I'm not kidding. Oh, no wait, I knew one, but only one. I knew 2 ppl who didn't have time for epidurals with their 2nd babies & were mad about that fact. Aside from that one lady, I didn't even know anyone who'd even wanted to TRY to birth naturally. The idea of deliberately birthing naturally and enjoying the process was totally foreign to me (until of course I took Bradley training, hired a doula, started reading, etc- but that wasn't until mid-2nd trimester.)

So, IOW, I think it's more up to the experienced mama to show that she's supportive of NCB and/or HB. If you're an experienced & supportive mama, the impetus is on YOU to reach out, be the first to fess up, & admit that you are "on the fringe." (& let's not forget, HB is the "fringe" almost everywhere in the USA.)

At which point, the newly PG mama can fess up with her plans if she wants to connect with a like-minded, supportive & experienced mama. Anyone with any knowledge whatsoever of HB will totally understand that, especially in the USA, it's totally understandable to lie about the plans!!

Again, bearing in mind the fact that HB is the fringe, odds are much MUCH better that you'll encounter people who are NOT supportive (or neutral) then people who ARE supportive. Odds are simply NOT in your favor here. Compound that with the fact that for those who've never given birth, so many people can and will HOLD IT OVER YOUR HEAD, "Oh, you don't know what you're talking about! You just wait till you feel those ctrx! You'll be rushing off to that hospital begging for that epidural."

Trust me - I know. DH & I have BTDT! I honestly had to finally tell DH, "Stop telling me when people say that to you. I just don't want to hear it anymore."

& the fact of the matter is it's really difficult for that to NOT chip away at your self-confidence. I joked that I needed to "surround myself with a bubble of arrogance." What made me think *I* was tougher than them?! What made me think *I* knew better than them?! I'd never felt a single contraction & people who had had numerous babies were telling me it was crazy to consider foregoing the epidural. What makes me think *I* can do it if they can't? I must be arrogant to think I can do something that so many people say is nearly impossible! Seriously, I think such thoughts are natural.

And I'm a professional fitness instructor who's into weightlifting & boxing. I'm a pretty touch chick. & I STILL got that .

& let's take this a step further - the fact of the matter is that transfers DO happen! Do you really want that grief if you do have to transfer?! Especially if you have to transfer for maternal exhaustion & epidural. Then everyone will be thinking, "Told ya so!" (even if they don't say it - and I would bet some actually would say it, at least implicitly.) Yeah, not what a new mama needs!

That's a big part of why I'm not telling my Mom or MIL of our HB plans because they'll be all melodramatic if we transfer for suspected fetal distress, "OH THANK GOD YOU TRANSFERRED! Poor baby could have DIED if you hadn't made it in time. I can't believe you even tried to stay home in the first place!" Yeah, I don't need that! Especially because I absolutely would transfer quickly at any suspected fetal distress --which is the RIGHT thing to do-- whereas they will act like I did the WRONG thing by planning an HB in the first place. Again, I don't need the grief.

Again, if you want support, go to LLL meetings, check out your MDC tribal area, search Yahoo for AP/Natural parenting groups & then if you can connect through THOSE groups, be honest. But random people in your office - I would really think twice & think carefully before fessing up about HB plans to someone who I either know for a fact is "mainstream" or someone who I have no idea either way about their parental style.

& lying shouldn't be that hard. For one thing, let's not forget - mainstream mamas don't care all that much about birth - or they think it is an awful means to an end, like getting a mammogram or something. They're much less likely to talk about it in advance then us NCB people, unless it's to talk about how awful it is & how great epidurals are. (That sounds horrible, but really, it's been my experience & from my reading, I think it's a common American experience.)

Originally Posted by smeep

occasionally I would get ones that would say at home or a FSBC, and you could just TELL by the softness of their voice and the look in their eyes that they were expecting a negative response

Right - and WHY would they be expecting a negative response, except that because that is what they usually got? So that kinda proves my point.

Originally Posted by smeep

This is why I love telling people...some people need to know they're not alone, some people are so full-on in the NCB/AP community that they can give you resources, and it educates a lot of other people.

I do too... NOW! Now that I've BTDT! Now that I've naturally birthed one baby (almost at home by accident!) Now that I've done eBF, EC, and near exclusive BW (no strollers till 12 mos).

NOW I speak up. NOW I love to talk about these things (I've given lots of BW lessons!) But for a newly PG mama... totally different situation, I think. Totally. The, seriously high risk of being met with discouraging negativity isn't worth it, IMO. Especially at the end of pregnancy when you may be getting nervous anyway.

OK, sorry for the loooong post - but I'm obviously passionate about this. Especially towards the end, the negativity DH & I encountered really started to eat away at me - and I AM a pretty stubborn & self-confident person who usually is comfortable bucking traditions & the mainstream. But it still bothered me. And I wasn't even doing something super controversial!!! I was planning an NCB in a hospital - and I still got met with lots of negativity. simply over the 'crazy' plan to birth without an epidural

[CBEmomma]

Do what you feel comfortable with. I told everyone that I was having a HB and so and so is my MW and I also have a back-up OBGYN that I see too and that I have everything already worked out. Everyone was supported so I didn't have to deal with a lot of the things others seem to have to.

[kawa kamuri]

I'm really proud to be planning another homebirth. It's so awesome! I won't lie about something so great The problems that other people have - their ignorance and fears - are not mine. I mean, they're the ones asking nosey questions and looking for intimate details of my life. So I tell the truth. I'm planning another amazing homebirth and if they don't like it they can get bent.

[Twinklefae]

I just tell people. Maybe it's because people I know tend to avoid confrontation, but they usually just say either "That's interesting!" or "You're brave!" at which point I mention that the worst part of DS's birth was checking into the hospital. Many at that point realize that they were induced/scheduled c-section and didn't have to do that, so the conversation is over.

It helps that it's gov't funded, since obviously that means it's safe.