Questions asked during TTC and pregnancy....
Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs?
~Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.
Are birth control pills deductible?
~Only if they don’t work.
What is a chastity belt?
~A labor-saving device.
Should I have a baby after 35?
~No, 35 children are enough.
Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
~Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
My husband and I are very attractive. I’m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
~Your therapist.
I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
~With any luck, right after he finishes high school.
How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
~If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.
Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
~Yes, your bladder.
What is the most common pregnancy craving?
~For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
~Childbirth.
The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
~‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.
My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
~So what’s your question?
What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
~Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.
I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I’m pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
~Not if you don’t mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.
Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
~Depends on what you’re doing with them.
Do I have to have a baby shower?
~Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
~When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
~Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.
My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
~Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
When is the best time to get an epidural?
~Right after you find out you're pregnant.
How long is the average woman in labor?
~Whatever she says, divided by two.
Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
~Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning?
~It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
What are forceps?
~Giant baby tweezers.
Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
~Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
I’m modest. Once I’m in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
~Authorized personnel only - doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Where is the best place to store breast milk?
~In your breasts.
What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
~It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
What are the terrible twos?
~Your breasts after your baby stops nursing cold turkey.
What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
~When you see teeth marks.
What is the grasp reflex?
~The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother’s breasts.
What causes baby blues?
~Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
What is colic?
~A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
What are night terrors?
~Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she’s pregnant again.
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
~When the kids are in college.
Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
~Yes, pregnancy.
