HBer's - Do you prefer intimate birth or lots of ppl?

[AndysQueen]

We're trying to decide who to have at our homebirth. I've already asked someone to be here to care for the kids so DH won't have to worry about it. Then my MW said her 13yo DD often comes to births to babysit other children. She's one of many kids and now has nieces and nephews she cares for, so I don't worry about my kiddos at all. I'm just trying to decide if we'd rather have it just us family (and the MW, aprentice and MW DD to babysit) or if we want to open our homes to others during our birth. Circumstances were different last time and my mom took DS and they came back a few hours after DD was born. I really want the kids HERE to be a part of the experience if they want to be. Some days I think I'd like my parents to be here with us as well. Some days I think I really want someone here to take pictures as we have very few from DD's labor/birth. Decisions, decisions.

What are you doing? What are your reasons?

[rad]

Personally, I've always preferred it being more intimate. I don't want alot of people around in my room or even downstairs waiting for me. I like to labor alone with just DH and my midwife occasionally chekcing it. Only once have I gone into labor when my kids were awake so that was the only time we had a friend come over to watch them. The other births have been at night and my kiddos slept right through them. We'd just wake them up to meet the baby and cut the cord. They like helping with all the stuff afterwards but have never shown much interest in seeing the actual birth.

[Fat Scottish Gal]

I'm extremely protective of my private space in birthing. It's one of my main reasons for wanting a homebirth. I think it's wonderful for those who are encoursaged by the support of a community for them to have them all there to rejoice and help them at such a special time. But I am such an introvert and I NEED my own space and to feel like I'm not being watched in order to go within myself to that primal place where I am woman, hear me roar etc. Last birth was PERFECT for me because the m/w didn't make it in time, my other 2 kids were sleeping and it was just DH and my eldest daughter. It was so peaceful and intimate and just what I needed. I mostly labored alone, DD was still asleep at that point and DH was in the other room setting up the birth pool. It was just what I needed.

But that's very much a me thing. There really isn't a right or wrong way, just whatever you're comfortable with.

[yukookoo]

this is such a stressful topic for me! and has been since day 1... I really dont know

first hb though

Dh was a complete let down in hospital with dd and her first year of life basically he did nothing, went into shock and denial and was mean to me

He says he will be better this time but Im nto seeing it, he should at least be good with dd i assume but I dont know if i can count on that

so definitely my mom will be here, for dd but she is also video and my labor support

midwife and assistant will be here as well of course

and im debating whether to call friend, who i already invited to come but she's never been at a birth, has no kids, knows nothing about birth really and can get sort of jealous when shes not the center of attn and get passive aggressive. Basically I dont really trust anyone in my life and dont want to be worrying about other people arguing with each other or whatever while im in labor, not that im 100% sure it would happen maybe everyone will be great and really put their best foot fwd as dh sees it, but I dont know that i want to take that risk

part of me wants to elope... when water breaks or labor starts go get a hotel room and only call midwife and maybe a doula, to help watch dd , who would be with me of course.... I even talked to midwife about this plan and she said she has done that before!

but i doubt ill do it, probably it will be dh, mom and midwife team and if needed i will call friend, as in dd is freaking out or i have to go to the hospital or something...

so i guess intimate

[littlebearsmama]

This will be my second homebirth. The same people who were present last time will be here this time, with the addition of my two year old son.
Those who will be at the birth are my husband, midwife, doula (who is also my best friend and who was instrumental at creating a birthday celebration for my husband while I was laboring in the birth tub set up in our frontroom), her daughter (who will be watching my son), and my mom (who is the delegated photographer). It seems like a lot of people to me, but they all pull their weight at the birth, so it works out. If I need space, I'll just go to my bedroom and close the door.
Who you have in attendance really depends on what you're comfortable with.

[Funny Face]

I'm definitely an intimate birther. Dh, mw (who I could easily see NOT calling if I felt inclined), and my doula (a very close friend).

I had them call my mom at the last minute last birth because I knew it meant a lot to her and figured I was close to done so her presence wouldn't be too distracting.

When I processed my birth though several of her completely innocent and well meaning comments rubbed me the wrong way and I can see not calling her this time around (oh yeah, and she also stepped right infront of the tripod video camera right as ds was born and obstructed the view with her rear end, something I still grieve over. )

My very closest most wonderful friend in the world might be in town at the time of birth and I could see having her that because she supports me 100% but that's it.

I have to only have people there who I really feel are invested in allowing ME to have whatever birth is meant to be.

This probably sounds crazy but the reason I have reservation about having my midwife there is because she keep saying OVER AND OVER not to forget to call, not to wait too long, etc. It feels pushy. Especially when she knows how autonomous I am, that I hired her to be hands off and that I'm as close to UCing as I could be without actually doing it. She says she'd be so disappointed to miss it but sorry, this isn't about you.

[Jazzmin]

I like it intimate, too. When I am in pain, I just want to be alone with DH, I don't want anyone else near me.

With my medicated birth, I felt like "the more the merrier", but I was not in any pain whatsoever.

[ashleybrook]

DDCC-- i'm on the intimate side as well. it'll be my dh and mw...if my dh was on the same page as me i'd love uc'ing...but since he's not, we'll have the mw. she comes alone, so i was thinking it would be just the three of us, but then my friend asked to be at the birth. i was blessed with being at a natural home birth about 5 years ago which changed everything for me, and i'd like to pass that on...plus she is a great photographer. so it might be that i call her too. but that's it. that's the max. i need my privacy!

[MyLittleWonders]

I'm on the intimate birth side too. My first two were hospital births and with ds#1, our parents were all out in the hall and even that was too "exposed" for me. With ds#2, dh called them to come down after he was born. With ds#3, I was at home, but my older two kids were there at the birth, and it too was too much for me. This time it'll be dh, my mw and me (and possibly her apprentice). That's all. I need to be able to be me, and being an introvert and somewhat guarded person, I can't be "me" with too many people around. My mw is awesome and very hands-off or hands-on as needed by the laboring mom. I also trust her and feel safe with her as I do with dh.

[owlgirl]

I am planning on my partner, midwife and closest friend who will be a doula.

I am private and don't like to be watched. I just want to be able to have it really intimate so people aren't everywhere in my space, making noise and messes. Haha, stresses me out! I am tempted to do an unassisted birth...I think my partner would pass out though, I think the placenta would clearly do him in.

[ChildoftheMoon]

Intimate birther here too! Just me, dh, and kids. The last two times I called the midwife after the babes were born. I have had really fast labors too, so I think this makes a difference, I don't really need childcare, as baby comes during the span of watching a movie. Hoping for another quick and smooth birth

[thebeljur]

Originally Posted by Funny Face

I'm definitely an intimate birther. Dh, mw (who I could easily see NOT calling if I felt inclined), and my doula (a very close friend).

I had them call my mom at the last minute last birth because I knew it meant a lot to her and figured I was close to done so her presence wouldn't be too distracting.

When I processed my birth though several of her completely innocent and well meaning comments rubbed me the wrong way and I can see not calling her this time around (oh yeah, and she also stepped right infront of the tripod video camera right as ds was born and obstructed the view with her rear end, something I still grieve over. )

My very closest most wonderful friend in the world might be in town at the time of birth and I could see having her that because she supports me 100% but that's it.

I have to only have people there who I really feel are invested in allowing ME to have whatever birth is meant to be.

This probably sounds crazy but the reason I have reservation about having my midwife there is because she keep saying OVER AND OVER not to forget to call, not to wait too long, etc. It feels pushy. Especially when she knows how autonomous I am, that I hired her to be hands off and that I'm as close to UCing as I could be without actually doing it. She says she'd be so disappointed to miss it but sorry, this isn't about you.

You sound so much like me (except I have no doula there). My mom's bottom did the same thing at my last birth, too. (She missed my first home birth and, I have to say, it was really nice having it so peaceful and intimate with just my husband.) And I almost wish my midwife would barely make it there (or just hang out outside or something ) so I can be alone for as long as possible.

First home birth -- just my midwife, her assistant, my husband, and son.

Second home birth -- midwife, two assistants, husband, our two kids, my mom and dad. (I would have preferred only 1 assistant and no parents, but I know it meant a lot to my parents that they could be there...)

Third home birth -- planning on midwife, assistant, husband, our three kids, and....we'll see how I feel at the time if I'm going to call my parents "in time." I won't feel so bad if they're not there, since they did get to see at least one of my HB. Is that bad of me?

[nova22]

I need an intimate birth. My homebirth with #4 turned out beautifully because the midwives were very hands-off. They arrived, saw that I was indeed in labor, and then pretty much left me alone. At one point I walked down my hall and heard them talking quietly in my son's room with the door closed, going over my birth plan one more time. After the baby was born we discovered that they'd folded a bunch of clean laundry for me too. They would pop out every now and then to see how I was doing and to make sure I was drinking plenty of water, and then they'd revert again until I needed them.

I have considered having at least my older two children present for this birth, but I just can't make myself want it badly enough to do it. Besides the fact that I would like a calm, quiet, intimate atmosphere, I am concerned about what would happen if I had to be transferred to the hospital. We have relatives nearby but DH would not be able to ride in the ambulance with me because he'd be stuck at home waiting for a sitter. I need to know they're cared for so I'm not worrying about it when I'm laboring.

[FillingMyQuiver]

Well, I guess I'll go against the norm here. I'm a social birther For me, interacting w/ people during my labor helps me move things along and manage the pain better, don't ask me how, it's just something we've discovered. I've had 1 hospital birth and 3 homebirths (currently planning our 4th).

DS1 was born in the hospital. DH and I were left to ourselves pretty much while I labored. It was torturous for me, I desperately wanted to be around other people. We went walking the maternity ward halls, but no such luck. By the time my mom got there it was too late for me to socialize, I was on pit for "failure to progress" and I wasn't managing the contractions well at all.

DD1 was our first homebirth. I went into labor early in the morning and slept until I couldn't sleep anymore. We were living w/ my parents, so they got up and made a fabulous breakfast. I rocked on the birth ball while eating and was all smiles and laughter while in labor. My dad thought I must've stalled, but I assured him I was contracting regularly I LOVED being able to talk to my family through my labor, it was a nice distraction from the contractions. Once I hit the point that I needed the birthpool, I didn't care who was around.

For DS2's birth, we were living in an apartment. I had A LOT of people there for that birth. I LOVED IT!! Let's see, there was me, DH, my MW and her birth assistant, my 2 children, my mom, my sister, my little brother (he was 2.5 at the time), my dad (he stayed in the other room w/ the children), and my mom's best friend and her daughter who were visiting from out of state. So, 11 people in addition to me. Again, the fellowship was wonderful for me. I would talk between contractions while rocking on my birth ball, when a contraction would hit and I had to breathe through it, I would cover my face, manage the contraction, then uncover my face and pick up the conversation. There was so much love shared in the room during my labor, such support from those women, it's hard to explain the connections I felt.

DD2's birth happened late. I started contracting at 8:00pm and she was born at 10:30pm. Again, I had my usual birth team of DH, my MW, her assistant, my mom, and my sister. My sister also brought a friend who had asked to be at the birth. She had never seen or experienced a birth and I thought my homebirth would be a wonderful intro to childbirth since we strive for a gentle, respectful event. Like DS2, I talked through my contractions until I had to breathe through them, then I covered my face. After the contraction, I would pick up the conversation.

I know my birth experiences are NOT the norm. My MW thinks I'm hysterical (in a good way of course) because I want to be surrounded by people.

ETA~ Sorry, I didn't realize this was in a DDC I just clicked on it from the New Posts

[Bebegim]

Last time I had (aka was tricked) into a c-section and I only wanted family. My parents, siblings and best friend.

This time, were having the baby at my parents house (which is 5x the size of our place), so that we can invite everyone. Im not afraid to kick people out, if I need privacy, but I definitely want everyone who is interested in seeing a homebirth and the birth of our DS to be there. Right now, we have 12 people who will be at the house, DH, DD, my sister and brother, father and mother, my best friend, my husbands mother and step-father and the birth team, 2 or 3 people. The men (minus DH) will obviously not be around for the gooey part, but I want them all to share in seeing DS right after he is born, once I get some clothes on! So, for the gooey stuff, 8 people, maybe 9. Post-birth 11, maybe 12.

I decided to turn it into a party. We have a friend who just opened a Turkish restaurant nearby who we will call when I go into labor and he will start cooking and bring over catering. (lifesaver). I really didnt want my mother and MIL to have to worry about sharing a kitchen to cook food in. They dont speak the same language, so I can only imagine the disaster that would be. One turning the oven up, then other turning it down. haha. no way!

I really want the natural birth image to become part of the psyches of those around me, so they can share the experience and opportunity with others. I have several friends who are pregnant, who I have left open invitations to come watch. (None of whom are going natural and definitely not going HB). I think if they see what it looks like and experience it, maybe it will spread the message that having a baby isnt only done in a hospital and doesnt have to be if you dont feel comfortable! So, if I have to sacrifice a little privacy to spread the word, thats my plan!

I will however, against the screaming feminist inside me, likely be having a Brazilian beforehand... if its going to be a show, I'd like to keep it a bit tidy

Maybe #3 will be our private birthing ceremony.

[ema-adama]

double post

[ema-adama]

Another private birther here.

I had DH, two doulas and the OBGYN at my last birth, although the OBGYN was in another room most of the time. I don't remember, but DH was telling me recently that I didn't like the doulas near me - it was just me and him for most of the labor.

This birth I am planning on me DH and DS (with MIL on call if DS is awake. She will be present/not present dependent on DS's needs) and the midwife. I will invite our immediate family around after the birth to meet the little one and to share a meal together (they live 5 minutes away).

I did have a friend who really wanted to be present (she has not had children yet) and I was getting a bit nervous about how to tell her that I don't actually want her there. She is my oldest and dearest friend and lives in another country. However, I know that I need to be left in peace when laboring and having too many people present would distract and upset me. Anyway, other things came up for my friend, and I will be happy to see her after the baby is born

Bebegim, that sounds really awesome to have such a party and wonderful that you have the catering taken care of. If you feel up to it, I think it is a wonderful way for people to internatlise that birth for the most part is not a medical emergency and is a normal part of life.