Should I limit playdates while going through a hitting / pushing phases?

[MsZelda]

My 25 mo DD is in the midst of a hitting / pushing / occasional biting phase. I have been reading this board a lot lately and have gotten some amazing suggestions about "honouring the impulse" but redirecting the behaviour (thank you for all the ideas!) My question is, should I limit the amount of social interaction we have while this behaviour seems to be peaking or should I continue as usual? Normally, we have 3 or 4 playdates each week (usually with 1 mom and 1 child) and maybe 1 or 2 group activities (library, song, etc.) and she spends one short day in daycare with a group of about 10 toddlers. I am currently a single SAHM so I enjoy the social time, but lately it has become extremely stressful because DD is so unpredictable. She will be happily playing, reading stories, laughing one moment and the next she will have pushed a kid down or have a handful of hair in her fist while the other child is screaming in pain. I stay very close but there is often little warning. I feel like being around kids is giving us an opportunity to use some of our new GD ideas, but I also wonder if it's just better to stay home and skip the conflict.

Oh yes, and she does bite me occasionally, and VERY hard (even drawing blood, bruising). This usually happens as a result of escalating frustration, transitions, etc. that have led to a forced situation (restraining her in her carseat to do up the belt, holding her down to change a very wet diaper). Again, I am trying to choose my battles but cannot avoid them entirely.

Any and all advice would be helpful. Should I become a social hermit or keep her out in the world and work through these impulses? (I am also (ashamed to admit) that I worry my friends will start not wanting to hang around with us if the violence continues)
thanks,
K

[SpottedFoxx]

How can she learn how to behave properly if she isn't exposed to other children? I'd say keep the dates, advise the parent that your daughter is going through a hitting/biting/pushing phase - offer them the out if they want it - then keep a very close watch during the play date. Let her know what is expected of her (no biting/hitting or pushing of friends) and what the consequences will be both positive (you get a treat on the drive home, you get to watch an extra 5 minutes of Tv) and negative (leave immediately - no if, ands or buts) and then stick with it. If she acts out - let her know that it was her decision to hurt her friend and that is why you need to leave. She'll get it.

[pianojazzgirl]

I'd say do whatever works best for you. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. If you need that social time - a chance to interact with other adults (which I understand very well!) then yes, continue playdates as usual, but with the understanding that you'll have to be on high alert for any signs of impending biting, etc. As the pp mentioned it is good for your dd to have opportunities to practice replacing those behaviours with acceptable behaviours. However, if playdates are becoming totally draining and not at all fun because you are on high alert all the time, or if you really are not able to catch your dd in time to stop injury and other kids are ending up bitten to the point of drawing blood, etc, then I imagine it would be a good idea to scale back on the playdates just for now.

[ChetMC]

Maybe

It depends on a lot of factors...

I have sometimes found that similar aged kids could be a really horrible match. We'd have issues with two 2 year olds, but not with a two year old and a four or five year old. In this case, I have cut back on play dates with age mates for a short time and favoured playdates with older or younger children.

I felt that it was not beneficial to put a child into a situation that brought out behaviours they were really struggling with. In the case of children this young, my personal belief is that most of this behaviour is developmental. Kids typically grow out of it, or mature enough to deal with it more easily. If you want to get through the phase as peacefully as possible that may mean limiting exposure to the triggers.

It also depends how upsetting it is for the victim and the victim's mom. We've always allowed our older children to have quite a lot of access to the baby, but when our older DS was having big issues with harassing baby DS, I definitely limited their playtime together. At 26 to 28 months DS was awful to the baby. At nearly 30 months, he's a lot better now. I don't need to wear our youngest on my back for his own protection anymore!

I am not a person who believes that toddlers need to be with other toddlers to become properly socialized. My thought is the opposite in fact. Toddlers can be difficult and frustrating for adults to handle at times. Expecting other toddlers to cope with a two year old going through a rough patch is sometimes asking a lot.

Whether you should stop the playdates depends mainly on how enjoyable they are for your DD overall, how stressful they are for you overall, and how traumatic they are for the other children.

[phathui5]

Expecting other toddlers to cope with a two year old going through a rough patch is sometimes asking a lot

I agree. If she's going through a phase where it seems like she's hurting other children often (like at every playdate), then I wouldn't inflict her on them until she calms down a bit.

[MamieCole]

Originally Posted by ChetMC

It depends on a lot of factors...



I am not a person who believes that toddlers need to be with other toddlers to become properly socialized. My thought is the opposite in fact. Toddlers can be difficult and frustrating for adults to handle at times. Expecting other toddlers to cope with a two year old going through a rough patch is sometimes asking a lot.

I totally agree! The best way for kids to learn how to socialize is to expose them to people who can model appropriate ways to socialize. Putting a group of similarly-skilled kids together and assuming they'll figure out how to get along is unfair. In no other area do we do this. We don't toss a group of 1st year med students into an operating room and say "Ok guys, teach each other how to do brain surgery." No, we assign them to a doctor who already knows how to do brain surgery so they have an appropriate model and teacher to learn from until they master the concept.

Not exactly the perfect analogy, but it's the best I could come up w/on the fly.

[MsZelda]

thanks for all the thoughtful responses. I do agree that sometimes different-aged playmates are the best matches for her right now - they tend to not be bothered by a little shove and she seems to be less aggressive around them in the first place. I think I will keep seeing other kids but a little less often and a little more selectively. There certainly are kids that seem to be her targets (usually mild mannered, gentle, shy kids) and it breaks my heart to see them get so hurt (as much emotionally as physically - she has only once left a mark on a kid).

I guess I didn't think we would be socializing based on our kids' compatibility so soon!

Thanks again,
K

[Bekka]

Sociality begins at birth, and you socialize based on your child's needs from birth as well. Our oldest dd was able to sleep through anything, and we continued going out, hanging with friends as much as we wanted and she slept in her carseat (I didn't know about babywearing then).

Our next 3 have needed lots of home time, and so we have limited their socialization accordingly. They're adjusting well as they grow up. Hang in there!

[D_McG]

When DS went through that I continued to go to our playdates etc but we left IMMEDIATELY (no warnings) if he was aggressive. I think we had to leave twice maybe. Then, no more hitting. Kids are way smarter than we give them credit for!

[rebelmama]

Worked for us!

[mamazee]

I don't think learning not to hit or be aggressive has anything to do with socializing or teaching.  I think it has to do entirely with maturity, and specifically with learning language and a bit of impulse control.  They will age whether they go to playdates or not.  If you enjoy going, I'd keep going but tail him and protect other kids while he's in this phase, but if it's stressfull then I think it's fine to back off.

[ssh]

Originally Posted by ChetMC 

I am not a person who believes that toddlers need to be with other toddlers to become properly socialized. My thought is the opposite in fact. Toddlers can be difficult and frustrating for adults to handle at times. Expecting other toddlers to cope with a two year old going through a rough patch is sometimes asking a lot.
 

I agree with this too. My DD was too high energy at that age to do indoor activities with other kids. She also played much better with kids that were a couple of years older than she was.  I think that's pretty common. We stopped activities she couldn't handle until she was ready for them. For one on one playdates that was closer to age three, for indoor group activities that was closer to 3.5.  Not letting violent behavior happen by waiting until a child has more impulse control and an ability to use their words can let your DC skip the experience of being a violent child. I think it's harder to get rid of bad behavior than prevent it happening. We had a "play safe/nice or you can't play" policy so if DD threw sand or pushed we left every single time. When she stopped doing that type of thing at playgrounds and one on one play dates we started trying group stuff again.

[Tsubaki]

We did, and it worked. The phase passed after a few months. I think a lot of kids go through a hitting phase around the age and that it is likely to sort itself out as she gains more impulse control and ability to solve conflicts or elicit positive reactions in other ways.

That's not to say you have to be totally isolated. There are probably certain friends and certain locations and times of day etc that bring out the hitting. It might be easier to play together outdoors or in a neutral space than in somewhere where one child is being protective of their toys. And often a two-year-old can play very well with some patient older children (5 year olds can be great!) when working things out with another stubborn two is too much.

Good luck! I betcha it passes soon.