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Cant think of a title....a vent maybe? - Page 2

post #21 of 23


I'm happy for you, too, Strong Mama!

 

Re: mtiger's comments (for some reason, I can't type BELOW your quote, but it's down there...)

As a former single mom of mild-moderately Autistic twins (formerly single, not formerly a mom!), sometimes it's just EASIER to do everything yourself, than to deal with all the added time and sometimes-frustrating incompetence of kids doing things for themselves, when they have special challenges (like mine) or they just have no internal motivation (like Strong Mama's step-son).  Many times, I have to consciously remind myself that doing everything myself is more about MY convenience and not always good parenting.  If I never let go and let THEN do things (even if it's worse than I would do), they'll never be independent of me.  And they have to become as independent as they're capable of being, to keep feeling good about themselves.  But life is busy and sometimes I FORGET to remind myself.  So, I'm sure the same thing goes on, with other parents.  It's not always intentional.

 

On the other hand, sometimes parents (especially mothers) do things for their kids (way past the age when the kids should be doing those things themselves), because they want to ensure they remain *needed*, which is a really troublesome dynamic, indeed!
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by mtiger View Post

That is excellent! I am always somewhat taken aback when I run across kids, who are incapable of even the smallest bit of independent action. A friend has a 19yo nephew who can't make tuna salad because his Mom doesn't let him. Uuuuhhh... oooookay.

 

Personally, I want my kids to know how to do the basics of caring for themselves. They can both do laundry, clean, cook. Know the basics of some home repairs (i.e. how to stop a running toilet, etc) and car repair (how to change the oil, change a tire, etc). Basic, important stuff people need to know.

post #22 of 23

Those are both good and valid points, Jeannine. Of course, there will always be kids who need more help than others. just as there are some who simply will never be able to do what the majority can. With the latter... one has to be realistic, I think...

 

With the former... I can imagine that it must be hard to not just jump in and do what needs doing. But ya know... even parents of kids without those hurdles face the same thing. I can't tell you how many times I thought to myself "Geez - why didn't I just do it myself?" First time my son cooked a full on dinner - there was not a clean dish, utensil or surface. But... the look of pride on his face was worth it. It took time, but he learned that cleaning as you go can make things a lot easier and less daunting. We went through quite a lot of no white clothes, because they all ended up pink, or dingy blue, or.... And so on and so forth.

 

And when they do go off on their own (whether to college, or another path)? The mess and aggravation will have been worth it. Trust me.

post #23 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by mtiger View Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeannine View Post
#1- If your DH has always voluntarily played the role of Dad, then he is Dad. Put this "he's not actually DH's bio. child" business right out of your head and leave it there.
Possibly not - legally. Just sayin'.


Honestly, this would require consulting a lawyer.  In some places, if dad has acted as dad the kids entire life, and the mother, and everyone else acknowledges this person as "Dad" - courts recognize that its not in the best interest of the child to be suddenly removed from "dad" just b/c there is no biological relation.  In NY, acting as dad and holding out as dad, make you DAD - responsibilities and all.

 

Some states may be different, but the OP's husband would need to consult a lawyer and find out if he has standing.  When a child is a BABY, or has no one "holding out" as dad, then its dependent on a paternity test - as children get older and have attachments things get more complicated.  OP - if you want a set schedule thats completely fine, but your DH needs to find out if he has standing in court.

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