Had an epiphany

[Astraia]

It probably isn't that "out there" or even remotely helpful to anyone else, but I feel the need to share with someone anyway (other than my husband who would say, "I just figured you knew that and didn't care" )

My mother was never a good housekeeper- 4 kids, a sick husband, resentful of always being responsible for everything- she let things slide. The house was never AWFUL (like, ahm, my house) but it was pretty bad. I saw things fall and not get picked up, I never learned to pick up after myself. I saw things slop on the counter and not get wiped up, I never learned to wipe up my mess because no one else was doing it anyway.

Now here I am in my house- I don't pick up when the mess happens, only when I get annoyed with the clutter and decide to clean. I don't wipe down the counters until I'm ready to move to get away from my kitchen mess and then I'll do it all in one swoop.

And it suddenly occurred to me- we can't have nice things because we won't take care of them. My daughter will never learn to respect her toys because I'm not teaching her to, so she won't get GOOD picture books or NEW toys because they're not worth it. My son will never learn to pick up his room or clean up his messes or do anything like that because he'll never see someone else doing it regularly.

I've been really interested in Montessori and have been thinking about homeschooling Montessori style sometime but I kept thinking, "everything would get wrecked! She can't do practical life stuff because I don't!" and it suddenly occurred to me that I.... could.

So the last 2 days I've been trying really hard to change my habits and this is... well, this is REALLY really hard. There are so many things I do that I don't even notice. Like, why do I take my son out of his highchair and wipe his hands and face but not wipe down the highchair until the next meal? Why don't I pick up the stuff he drops when I wipe the highchair down, instead of waiting until I step on it and get crabby because it's stuck to my socks? And then I get resentful, and think "why should I pick this up if they're just going to pull it all out again anyway," or I think "why should I be the only to do x, y, z why can't my husband ever do ANYTHING useful" (he works full time and does school part time so he's rarely even home)

But I'm trying. I'm determined to teach my kids respect for their things and to clean up as they go, but apparently I need to teach myself first.

[Juvysen]

Isn't it great when we have a breakthrough like that? I'm having similar ones lately, partly over the montessori thing, too! Also, breaking through on cleaning things up, and getting rid of things I always felt like I "should" keep, previously. I seriously have kicked a truckload of stuff out of my house and still have more to ditch, and I keep thinking "why did I feel like I need to keep this??"

Anyway, sounds like you're doing great! Keep it up, mama!

[doubledutch]

that's very cool. i've had similar moments when borrowing someone else's car, or tidying up after playing or eating at someone else's house. i actually do know what i need to do - in my case it's more a matter of valuing other people (and their cars, homes, possessions) more than i value myself (and my car, home and possessions). it's not good.

i moved out of our family home this summer (with my kids) in order to separate from stbx, because he wouldn't leave. i kept our temporary space picked up and taught my boys to do the same. in the past, they'd always ask, "who's coming over?!" whenever i'd clean. i had taught them that we only clean up for other people, or that only guests are worthy of a nice house. by changing my habits, they've learned that we can keep our house nice just for us! we love it and they've been so willing to do their part because they like having a neat and organized space.

[Peppermint Leaf]

that is wonderful :-)

Dont overwhelm yourself or you will get frustrated and give up --- I would like to suggest that you change one habit every day and not try to do change everything at once. Prehaps even announcing in the morning to your family what their new habit is so they are onboard with you.

example: all dishes go straight to the sink or dishwasher and not left anywhere, or never leave a room empty handed - look around before you leave to see if you can take something with you to be put back where it belongs, or everyones bed is made and all clothes hung up before we start our day... I think you get the idea. You can make it fun and a game to announce each morning what the new habit will be.



You might also want to try flylady

[Astraia]

Originally Posted by Juvysen

I seriously have kicked a truckload of stuff out of my house and still have more to ditch, and I keep thinking "why did I feel like I need to keep this??"

I'm doing this, too. My husband keeps asking if I'm nesting or something (!) I keep moving stuff to the basement just in case, but I don't miss it so I can probably toss it.

Originally Posted by doubledutch

i actually do know what i need to do - in my case it's more a matter of valuing other people (and their cars, homes, possessions) more than i value myself (and my car, home and possessions). it's not good.

Yup. My family is the same with this- that's how i grew up, even with only cleaning when guests came over. I hated having company over because we had to clean so much before hand, and now I'm the same now.

Originally Posted by Peppermint Leaf

that is wonderful :-)

Dont overwhelm yourself or you will get frustrated and give up --- I would like to suggest that you change one habit every day and not try to do change everything at once. Prehaps even announcing in the morning to your family what their new habit is so they are onboard with you.

You might also want to try flylady

That is a great idea. I feel terrible and incompetent now that I'm noticing how lazy and procrastinating I am, so there's a good bit of frustration already. Making it fun is important.

I've looked at flylady, and feel instantly overwhelmed... Maybe I'll look again, though.

[PoetryLover]

I was never taught to clean up after myself, either. A lot of it is learning new habits. I would make a list of habits and post them where you 'll see them and be reminded. There are simple, basic things I never did--like put my shoes away; they were always in the middle of the floor--3 or 4 pairs of them! I never learned to close cupboard doors. These things are common sense to most people. I do have those particular habits down now.

The good thing for you is that you have had this moment of awareness (congratulations!) and your kids are so young that you can teach them to pick up after themselves.

Flylady can be intimidating, but she does work for many people. I've followed her program in the past and could never really stick to it. (My home did look great when I was following the program, though). I do Motivated Moms. You may want to try Flylady out or at least peruse her site. Even though I no longer follow her program, I do utilize a lot of the basic tools I learned there. I've also found that simplifying and decluttering really works for a simple home makeover. It's hard to mess up as much when you have less stuff to create the mess with.

I think the best advice you've been offered so far is to start a new habit a day (or every several days). But write them down so you can refer to the list and build on them. If a habit a day is too much, try a new habit a week or a new habit a month. Best luck to you!

[LCBMAX]

Originally Posted by Astraia

And then I get resentful, and think "why should I pick this up if they're just going to pull it all out again anyway,"

I have been noticing how often I frustrate myself with the fantasy that housekeeping is work that has an end. ("I swear I cleaned this kitchen 3 times today already and here is another sink full of dishes!") Since it can't have an end as long as we are alive, I'm trying out a different thought pattern, letting these tasks to be an opportunity to either take care of my family or pass them by and take care of myself. "More dishes... hmm. I think I need to take a shower now instead." or "More dishes... hmm. It'll really be great if I can focus on my son this evening instead of cleaning. I'll do them now while I think of something fun to do with him later."

Or anyway that's my goal.

[wholewheatchick]

My mom is definitely NOT a house cleaning type, either, and so learning to do that was a definite shift when I got married (college doesn't really count!). For me, a lot of it was that a) I didn't know what really needed to be done to keep the house clean, I could clean it, but like the everyday maintenance stuff was beyond me and b) I had no idea what a cleaning routine should be.

Motivated Moms has been my absolute favorite! I've been doing it for 4 months and now it makes such a difference in how the house looks and how I feel about it.

I am with you, though; I need to keep working on the decluttering aspect, and just putting the dishes in the dishwasher immediately; and putting the carrot scraps in my compost bucket as soon as I peel the carrot, etc. I am getting MUCH better but I still have a ways to go.

I think it is awesome that you are excited though!

[doubledutch]

i try to think of cleanup as part of the activity. dirty dishes are a result of having eaten a meal. mm, full tummy! = time to clean up. i mean, it's just part of the whole package. if i want to enjoy something, then i also try to enjoy the part where i take care of it, or fulfill my responsibility that comes along with the privilege, you know? i feel like if i really love my home, car, yard, kiddos, wardrobe, bed, dishes, whatever - then the work of caring for those things is, or can be, a pleasure.

[Juvysen]

Originally Posted by wholewheatchick

I am with you, though; I need to keep working on the decluttering aspect, and just putting the dishes in the dishwasher immediately; and putting the carrot scraps in my compost bucket as soon as I peel the carrot, etc. I am getting MUCH better but I still have a ways to go.

We started peeling directly into our compost bowl. the compost bowl is taken straight out to the compost heap during after-dinner clean-up time I like that we eliminated a step.

[clutterwarrior]

Congratulations on the start of your new home and the new you!

I had a similar but different problem. I have always been obsessive about wiping up things like benches/highchairs etc because I have a loathing of sticky surfaces. But I used to be really slack about dusting and vacuuming, I didn't bother to do either till there were big dust bunnies on the floor. Yesterday I noticed how far I had come because I vacuumed the whole house and the vacuum only filled halfway with dust..at first I was thinking that the vacuum wasn't working properly, then it occurred to me that there isn't as much dust to vacuum since I am now doing it regularly!

My breakthrough this year has been doing the Motivated Moms chores. At first when I looked at it, I couldn't imagine myself doing it, but at the risk of sounding like a religious convert, I really couldn't live without these lists!
I have tried flylady in the past, but for me it was totally overwhelming and I ended up doing nothing except running for the hills as fast as I could away from flylady. (Perhaps I should also give it another try now that my house is more under control...)

[Astraia]

Originally Posted by doubledutch

i try to think of cleanup as part of the activity. dirty dishes are a result of having eaten a meal. mm, full tummy! = time to clean up. i mean, it's just part of the whole package. if i want to enjoy something, then i also try to enjoy the part where i take care of it, or fulfill my responsibility that comes along with the privilege, you know? i feel like if i really love my home, car, yard, kiddos, wardrobe, bed, dishes, whatever - then the work of caring for those things is, or can be, a pleasure.

When I first read this I was like, "pfft, yeah right" but then I read it again and realized that it's a really beautiful way of looking at it. I'm going to have to work on a big mental shift to get into this headspace, too.

Originally Posted by clutterwarrior

... at first I was thinking that the vacuum wasn't working properly, then it occurred to me that there isn't as much dust to vacuum since I am now doing it regularly!

Good job! It's exciting when you can actually MAINTAIN something!

Originally Posted by wholewheatchick

a) I didn't know what really needed to be done to keep the house clean, I could clean it, but like the everyday maintenance stuff was beyond me and b) I had no idea what a cleaning routine should be. I think it is awesome that you are excited though!

This is me, too. I've asked people in the past what their cleaning routines are like, but I'm always like, "what, you wash your windows EVERY WEEK? Are you INSANE?" and then dismiss everything else they say at the same time. I need to find something that works for me that doesn't feel ridiculous.

As for excited... well, I am, but I'm also intimidated and a bit annoyed. It's easier (if more stressful) to have a messy house-- until someone comes over, then it's TONS of work!

I invited a friend over on Friday (very gutsy of me) and I am determined not to obsess and clean like a mad person before she visits, and am hoping that I can just do some here and there over the next couple of days and have a semi-presentable house, then just relax and enjoy my company.

Thanks everyone for your encouragement. I'll look at Motivated Moms again too. I took a quick look at flylady and got bogged down again.

[PoetryLover]

Originally Posted by Astraia

When I first read this I was like, "pfft, yeah right" but then I read it again and realized that it's a really beautiful way of looking at it. I'm going to have to work on a big mental shift to get into this headspace, too.



Good job! It's exciting when you can actually MAINTAIN something!



This is me, too. I've asked people in the past what their cleaning routines are like, but I'm always like, "what, you wash your windows EVERY WEEK? Are you INSANE?" and then dismiss everything else they say at the same time. I need to find something that works for me that doesn't feel ridiculous.

As for excited... well, I am, but I'm also intimidated and a bit annoyed. It's easier (if more stressful) to have a messy house-- until someone comes over, then it's TONS of work!

I invited a friend over on Friday (very gutsy of me) and I am determined not to obsess and clean like a mad person before she visits, and am hoping that I can just do some here and there over the next couple of days and have a semi-presentable house, then just relax and enjoy my company.

Thanks everyone for your encouragement. I'll look at Motivated Moms again too. I took a quick look at flylady and got bogged down again.

Motivated Moms really works. What I like about Motivated Moms is that I can do the items on the list and then be done--and feel done. I can relax and not feel guilty. Whatever you decide, good luck!

[Jenn_M]

I agree and identify with every thing you wrote! It's so hard to make the changes though once you are stuck in an old routine. Good luck, I hope you are successful on your journey!

[Celtain]

I have had the same epiphany recently.

Motivation is a serious problem for me. It almost seems like I am waiting for someone else to come along and pick up the slack for me. Last week I was resentfully looking at a sink full of dishes and I realised, I'm it. There isn't anyone else to do it. It's my job. I worked full time outside of the home for YEARS and never really felt resentful if someone asked me to do something pertaining to my job. Now that I get to stay at home, I resent it? WHAAAAAT?

Now I look at it in a very different light. Before bed we all do a quick pickup. It helps to motivate me to keep going once they are in bed. We are all learning that it is faster and easier when everyone helps out.

[Astraia]

Today's new habit: If I make garbage, I put it in the garbage. None of this putting my teabag on a dirty plate or leaving wrapper sitting around after I make a meal.

I'm already having trouble with it, and finding myself resentful of having to do it - even though it's MY garbage, it's ONE step.

Resentment is a big problem for me. I'm not working out of the home, so like you Celtain- it's me. I'm it. I chose to stay home, so it's my job. I think with some good, positive self-talk I can get out of my resentment rut.

[Juvysen]

what about having a small bowl or something on the counter for garbage... then it's barely even a step - instead of putting it on the plate, put it in the garbage bowl instead. when the bowl fills, dump it in the garbage?

Or maybe you could make it fun somehow... like keep track of how many you did that day and see if it stays the same every day or not (ok, that might be my kind of geek fun). or toss it in the garbage like a basketball or... I dunno.

Maybe require yourself to smile BEFORE you pick up the garbage. I read somewhere that just the act of smiling even if forced releases happy hormones. Could help.

Yeah, I admit I'm grasping at straws here.

[applecider]

I can absolutely identify with this. I just can't find a reason to want to clean up until the house is a wreck, dishes all dirty, stuff all over...could someone give me a reason why my house has to be constantly tidy and clean? I tried joining the 10-15 minutes of cleaning thread and that lasted for like, a week. It did feel good while it lasted but now I was busy the last couple of days (and/or unmotivated ) and my house is back to being a sty. And here I sit reading MDC or facebook and grasping at anything entertaining so I can put off cleaning. I keep saying to myself, I just don't FEEL like it. So how do I get to FEELING like it? I want housework to just be part of my day, part of the rhythm of life. But how to get there? I did buy the motivated mom's thing like A YEAR ago. But I never did it. I got as far as printing it out. The thing for me was that had enough trouble with the daily chores let alone doing extra stuff. Anyway, you are not alone!!!

[PoetryLover]

Originally Posted by applecider

I can absolutely identify with this. I just can't find a reason to want to clean up until the house is a wreck, dishes all dirty, stuff all over...could someone give me a reason why my house has to be constantly tidy and clean? I tried joining the 10-15 minutes of cleaning thread and that lasted for like, a week. It did feel good while it lasted but now I was busy the last couple of days (and/or unmotivated ) and my house is back to being a sty. And here I sit reading MDC or facebook and grasping at anything entertaining so I can put off cleaning. I keep saying to myself, I just don't FEEL like it. So how do I get to FEELING like it? I want housework to just be part of my day, part of the rhythm of life. But how to get there? I did buy the motivated mom's thing like A YEAR ago. But I never did it. I got as far as printing it out. The thing for me was that had enough trouble with the daily chores let alone doing extra stuff. Anyway, you are not alone!!!

I NEVER felt like cleaning until I started decluttering and finding that cleaning less stuff takes less time and is less overwhelming/immobilizing. Today, for instance, I HAVE to clean, as we're having dinner guests. I've been picking up my bedroom and clearing space (not by moving clutter but by giving items a home or giving them the boot). There is much less stuff in there and it's AMAZING how relaxing it is. I WANT to go in the bedroom now. It brings me peace. And it is that much easier to keep clean.

Before I started the decluttering journey, I was ALWAYS overwhelmed into immobilization. I am so very thankful to the person who started the 2010 in 2010 thread.

[*bejeweled*]

Yes, I feel a sense of pride when I know that DD is learning that a clean environment is what she deserves and should expect. The other day I caught her gazing at her reflection in the bathroom mirror near some fresh flowers in a vase. It made me feel really good. She deserves the best and so do we.

Also, when I take good care of what we have, it makes it less likely that I'll be out shopping for what I think we need.

Originally Posted by doubledutch

i feel like if i really love my home, car, yard, kiddos, wardrobe, bed, dishes, whatever - then the work of caring for those things is, or can be, a pleasure.