Taking the plunge

[bananabee]

I've come to realize, partly from the feedback of wise people in my life, and now more clearly with my own eyes that I'm in an abusive relationship. It seems that H has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

The things he does just seemed to me to be the actions of an unhappy self-centered person...

-neglecting me
-threatening to take away my food when I was bedridden and pregnant
-walking out when I needed him most (threw his ring in the trash)
-filing for divorce while I was pregnant
-threatening to take my unborn child away
-blaming me for EVERYTHING, including him screaming profanities at me
-constantly trying to get me to see things his way instead of allowing me space to think for myself
-when I don't accept his version of reality, gets angry and blows his top
-in the same 5 mins, he'll call me an Fing B in front of my 5 month old along with a string of names such as deceitful, twofaced, abusive, manipulative, arrogant, crazy etc, then he'll completely flip around to "I didn't say those things."
-controls my access to money and makes me beg
-repeatedly uses various normal daily decision-making to try to twist my arm to drop the divorce (about things that he's going to have to pay for regardless)
-is sweet (gifts, declaration of love & what a wonderful companion I am, wants to renew our vows publicly, makes counseling appts, wants to rub my feet, will do anything I ask WHEN I ask) as long as I'm fairly unresponsive in return, but heaven help me if I'm nice back, because that just flips the switch and he starts being really mean again
-comes up with a new proposal for me to compromise myself into every time he doesn't get his way

The list goes on. His job is moving him out of state in Dec, and there is NO way in hell that I'm going. I learned enough in college years ago to understand how bad these things are and how indicative of the way he reasons. Two weeks ago I called the police because he was making a powerplay over our daughter. Then he wrote me letters requesting things my lawyer said were ridiculous.

Today he starts therapy.

Anyway, I just wanted to say hi, here I am. I hate this whole thing. It really sucks. I'm getting a lot of support from my church group and a few close friends even though they're kinda freaked out about the whole thing. A few others, my mom included, keep admonishing me about what I'm doing and how it will affect the rest of our lives. My mom is coming around, though. Not that it matters. I think I have my head on straight, mainly thanks to my therapist.

Can't wait for this all to be over!

[soso-lynn]

I was worried about you in the June DDC when he went from wanting a divorce to being the perfect husband. I am sorry it is not working out but I am glad that you are seeing clearly and getting out of that relationship before it starts affecting your daughter.

From this point, stick to your decision and do not let people convince you to stay just because they have old school attitutdes towards marriage. You managed to get through that big surgery while pregnant, you will get through this.

[josybear]

wow, your stbx makes my ex sound like prince charming. i'm so sorry you've had to live through all that, and am so, so happy that you're choosing to end things. may your life get better and better from here on.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Let me just say to you (and maybe this will make you feel better)--my mom and I have had a hot-cold relationship over the years. My parents have always ADORED my stbx and anything that ever went wrong was because of me.
Well, guess what? After this whole thing has gone down (he announced he was DONE on our anniversary--real charmer, huh?) my parents are FINALLY coming around to seeing that he is a narcissist...but in the meantime, the whole thing was because I was demanding or whatever else, in THEIR eyes.
But you know, the truth always has a way of coming out.
I'm not crazy; I'm not demanding; I'm not anything...except maybe stupid for putting up with his crap for so long.
There are days when I just hate life. Especially NOW that the holidays are coming around. But you know what else--I'm finally starting to sleep well at night. And I NEVER thought that would happen.
I can't wait to get out of this house and find a tiny little place on my own so I can do whatever I want to the walls, the floors, etc., and not hear any of the passive agressive crap he's been peddling all these years.
What a relief!

Believe me...they'll come around--and so will everyone else!

[bananabee]

"What a relief!"

That is exactly how I feel about the whole thing. The mind games, the hoops he's expected me to jump through, and the messed up way he thinks. I can only imagine how beat down I'd be in a few more years.

As for him being a charmer, he actually told me last year that he was filing for divorce when he picked me up and drove me home from the hospital after my mid-pregnancy back surgery on the day after Christmas.

I feel like the whole thing is a really rotten Lifetime movie.

Yeah, I'm not crazy. If anything, I WAS crazy for letting him get away with this crap for so long. Me filing for divorce has been the best thing I've ever done because once I did and he knew it, he COMPLETELY changed his tune to "You're so wonderful!" and next thing you know he's buying me flowers (from Walmart...eh) and chocolates (also from Walmart), wanting to rub my feet, etc. Of course, the minute I start considering working things out, he totally flips on me again to screaming profanities in my face while I'm holding our sleeping infant daughter.

So, yeah, I agree. In the long run, people are going to see what's really going on here. Either because he'll continue to act the same way in his next relationship, or, hopefully, he'll get help and prove he's capable or at least desiring of change.

Thank God for Lexapro and good friends. Without them, I don't know how I'd get through this.

[singin'intherain]

Bananabee, love your signature!

[bananabee]

Oh man. Best laugh I've had in a while.

STBX showed me some things he'd printed out about how you know if your girlfriend or wife is abusive, and says he has been living with Stockholm syndrome. He says proof of that is that he changes his behavior and how I apparently gaslight him. Um. Huh.

It reminds me of the time my friend's grandpa thought his ovaries were ailing him.

He really believes it, though. Or says he does. I don't think he really knows what he's talking about. He saw a counselor and showed him all the printouts, but they didn't have time to talk about it all. He also says it doesn't matter in the long run since we're splitting up for good. I don't care I guess, though it felt like a bullet to the stomach at first.

One more month of this...he's going to be renting the house out and says he'll pay for me to live in the apartment complex I want to live in for a year or so per our pending agreement.

The whole conversation came about because he'd written some nasty things on his Facebook wall about me and a friend sent me a screenshot, so I asked him not to do things like that for his daughter's sake. I have divorced parents and have been through the "It's too bad your dad was so crazy" routine with extended family and old friends of my parents. I'm not going to let that happen to DD about STBX, and have asked that he respect my relationship with her the same way. He apologized for being so nasty and says it was his way of venting. I pointed out how it can have long-term consequences and is way different from venting to close friends about stuff. I really want my daughter to have a fun relationship with my inlaws, but I am not going to invite them into my house if they only know the way he paints me when he's mad. He keeps apologizing to me about that stuff and says he'll take it off his wall, but then he doesn't actually retract anything. Oh well. In the long run, it'll be obvious who perpetuates this crap. I asked for feedback from one of my friends about whether or not she sees any signs that he's characterizing me accurately, and she said that from the outside, it's obvious who is manipulating who. She said I don't talk about his character or try to make him out to be bad, I just talk about the things he does, whereas he describes me in rotten terms but doesn't actually talk about specific actions I've taken. I tried getting him to list the mean things he says I do, and he got flustered and just said it's everything all together.

I dunno. I am really tired, and I guess I'm just writing this because I don't see my therapist until next week, and you all collectively have been in a variety of marital situations. Please tell me I don't seem like someone with a personality disorder as he is now painting me as to his distant friends.

All that, and he still says he's in love with the nice fun intelligent side of me and can't understand how I can be such a rotten person.

Sorry for rambling so much. I'm so sleep-deprived and don't have enough energy to be as freaked out as I should. I can't wait for this to all be over - as in me having my own place and him moving out of state.

Hope everyone is having a pretty good day.

Anyway, today he's back to being nice...made coffee, bought dogfood...

I'm so tired!! I just want to sleep for three days.

[*MamaJen*]

Oh, mama, I have so much sympathy for what you're going through, but I really think you're handling it well.
I'm a big research freak, and you seem like you might be the same way. I found that the more I learned about the dynamics of abuse, and the better that I understood it, the easier it got for me to leave and to handle the emotional upheaval.
Here's the deal: there's this secret textbook that abusers pass around. It's called, "How to Abuse Your Partner 101" and I swear to god, every single one of them has it memorized. They all pull the exact same crap, use the same lines, do the same stuff -- it's amazing how choreographed it is. (Well, there is some interested variation with BPD, NPD and sociopaths, but they're all still singing in harmony.) Seriously, abusive guys are all alike.
So yeah, that line about how he thinks you're actually abusing and gaslighting him? Classic. Totally textbook. I think every abuser out there tries his damndest to paint himself as the victim. Hell, he may even believe it.
My advice to you --and this is going to be hard, but I swear, it works -- is to detach, detach, detach. The man you fell in love with doesn't exist. You fell in love with the shell, and now you're dealing with the true narcissist inside. Of course you have to grieve for this lost love, you have to grieve for this loss of a person you're realizing never existed. But the more you can emotionally detach, the better off you'll be.
Don't get into arguments with him. Don't engage. Don't spend time or emotional energy defending yourself. Don't care about what's going on inside his brain. As much as you humanly can, don't give a damn. Be pleasant, be civil, and do not engage when he baits you. If he starts to pick a fight, leave. No words, just go. And obviously, separate residences as quickly as possible will help a ton.
Also, you may want to seek out a support group for narcissist survivors. And seriously, the surviving abuse forum is the most amazing supportive place.
Good luck, mama. Speaking from experience, as crappy as this feels now, I swear to god, within 3-6 months your life will be universes better.
This is a great blog, by the way: http://narcissism-support.blogspot.com/
"There is no doubt that we have loved. It's just that narcissists can't love you back."

[*MamaJen*]

Here are some more resources that may be helpful:

Books
Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft
The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker
Women Who Love Too Much, by Robin Norwood
Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond, by Patricia Evans
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship, by Mira Kirshenbaum
The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself, by Beverly Engel
The Sociopath Next Door, by Martha Stout
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life, by Susan Forward
It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence, by Meg Kennedy Dugan

Websites
youarenotcrazy.com
http://www.ndvh.org/ -- National Domestic Violence Hotline website
EQI -- Emotional Abuse
Symptoms of Emotional Abuse
Signs of Abusive Relationships
Emotional Abuse Quiz
DomesticViolence.org
BPD Central -- resources about Borderline Personality Disorder
Love Fraud -- resources about sociopaths
Leaving Abuse
National Institute of Mental Health post-traumatic stress disorder site
The Survivor Manual -- Inspiring and Empowering Survivors to Lead Joyful Lives

Articles
Love and Stockholm Syndrome: the Mystery of Loving an Abuser
Warning Signs that You're Dating a Loser
Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder
Breaking Up With a Borderline
Narcissist or Sociopath? What's the Difference?
"After the Sociopath", a guide to taking back our lives from LoveFraud.com.
For Abused Women, Leaving is a Complex and Confusing Process

Hotlines
National Domestic Violence Hotline -- 1.800.799.SAFE begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 1.800.799.SAFE end_of_the_skype_highlighting
List of state hotlines

Other
Mosaic -- An online risk assessment tool for domestic violence, by Gavin de Becker
Searching for Angela Shelton, video streamed on hulu.com

Abuse 101
Red flags that you're in an abusive relationship
Gaslighting -- how abusers convince you that you're crazy
The cycle of abuse -- don't confuse the honeymoon stage with real change
Power and Control Wheel -- The elements of abuse
How brainwashing works -- At its core, abuse is just a form of brainwashing

[bananabee]

Thank you, Mamajen. Yeah haha okay, so it's "normal" for a crazy man to come up with this stance. I suspected, but wasn't quite sure. I'll see my therapist again on the 11th.

Thanks for all the links. I am a research nut, but am too sleep-deprived to do much with it right now. With the narcolepsy, reading just makes me super sleepy at this point.

Yeah, detach detach detach. That's what I'm doing, though it's hard since he lives here. He keeps telling me he'll always be in love with the "sweet" "fun" person I was and am at times...he thinks I'm great now but I think more of that comes from the fact that I pretty much don't ask him for anything other than holding the baby while I go pee and to make me some coffee if he's going to make some anyway.

[provocativa]

wow. my ex is an npd, with characteristics of a sociopath or antisocial pd. yours sounds more than npd- maybe add some borderline in? from what i have read, in indiana only one party needs to be notified if you are recording a phone conversation, so it is likely that if you record his abusive rants (not just phone conversations, but everyday life) then you will be able to keep your little one away from joint custody with a monster, if he challenges you for joint custody. here the court will not necessarily believe you without such evidence, and i accidently deleted the most damning of my recordings of xh.

[bananabee]

Originally Posted by provocativa

wow. my ex is an npd, with characteristics of a sociopath or antisocial pd. yours sounds more than npd- maybe add some borderline in? from what i have read, in indiana only one party needs to be notified if you are recording a phone conversation, so it is likely that if you record his abusive rants (not just phone conversations, but everyday life) then you will be able to keep your little one away from joint custody with a monster, if he challenges you for joint custody. here the court will not necessarily believe you without such evidence, and i accidently deleted the most damning of my recordings of xh.

Really? Part of me is not so surprised that you think so - about STBX's behavior and what drives it. Part of me is still feeling that this isn't so serious as to require me to make him look bad in court. But I'm not sure. He's obligated to stay in the Navy for the next 4-5 yrs...by that time DD will be in school and able to talk. He's offering to support me for a year and we will hopefully get that in writing this week. He says if I try to negotiate for more than a year, he's going to try to control my choice in apartments and stuff. Not that it would make much difference as I've already surveyed the area and know the place I've picked is the cheapest that isn't in a rough area and the management & terms are good.

Do you think a year is too short? After a year, he'd only be on the hook for child support. Maybe I could negotiate for partial spousal support for an additional 6 mos. I feel like, as long as I don't make a big deal about anything, don't ask for a lot, and play dead emotionally that he'll be more willing to work things out. If I get a lawyer who goes for the jugular, I think STBX will hate me and treat me like the enemy for the rest of our lives.

Okay I need a nap. I can't wait to be done with this all.

[A_Random_Phrase]

bananabee, I so feel for you. Count me as part of your support, even if I don't comment much. Even though each of our abusive relationships differ, it's close enough that I can say, "Been there, done that."

With my first ex, it was pretty obvious to others that he wasn't as "nice" as he pretended. With my second, there were people who thought I was so mean to divorce him because he loved me so much (uh huh and that's why he took the car to Texas - 1 1/2 to 2 day drive away - for his next 6-8 week stint of working on his son's house, even though I told him I desperately needed it. He didn't need it (though he lied to our ecclesiastical leader and said he had to have it to take 300 pounds of tools back with him) and we lived, in the desert, an hour's drive from my daughter's orthodontist appt., not to mention we were too far to walk to a store or anything else. Luckily we had some sympathetic friends.)

I was soo glad to get out of that relationship (my first ex died the day this last ex was going to leave for Texas, so now they are both out of my hair).

[MissLotus]

I saw your other thread and I think you said something about how he can visit your baby as much as he wants to. I TOTALLY get wanting to supervise the visits - definitely - but would not agree to whenever he wants. That's not liveable. It allows him too much control of your life. Do not put that in writing!

Also, I was just saying, on another thread here, that my ex displays bipolar characteristics, but he seriously has the narcissistic traits as well (maybe they're often related) - one thing in particular that you said struck me:

heaven help me if I'm nice back, because that just flips the switch and he starts being really mean again

Out of all the miserable disorders I'm sure my ex has, it's odd, - I haven't read/heard of anyone else describing that specific trait - but my ex used to do that as well. It's SO odd, and I have never understood what they get out of that except that as long as they're always the "opposite" of you, then somehow they're manipulating the situation and that makes them feel in control. Anyway, the other unpleasant similarity to yours that my ex displayed was using vulgar language (also in our child's presence - WHO can be so ugly near someone so innocent?!) and names - then a moment later act as if it didn't happen. And even wonder why I didn't want to kiss him! There was no acknowledgement that anything had been "off" or that there may be residual bad feelings, say, oh, two minutes after being called a filthy name. Crazy crazy crazy.

I think I hit the jackpot and got a bipolar, narcissistic ex with a big dash of ADHD and a side of borderline personality disorder. Good times. (We've been divorced for over 3 years now and were separated years before that - of course things are 100 million times better in my life than they were. But thinking about that stuff still bothers me and he still tries to throw a little crazy my way from time to time.) You may have hit the "jackpot" as well. Just don't agree to anything sketchy or open-ended or anything that allows him control over you.

[bananabee]

The being mean when I'm nice...I keep coming up with theories about why he acts that way but nothing seems to encompass all his weird behaviors. Can't wait to see my therapist Thursday. I feel like it's been a lifetime. I wish I hadn't scheduled my appts so far apart.

I am so thankful for you guys here on this forum.

As for visitation, what my lawyer drafted for our preliminary agreement in regards to baby is that there was no limit on when he could see her but that times would be arranged between us with no overnights outside the home. He's still living here and will be moving out of state in less than a month and his Navy schedule is going to be such that he won't have time for taking care of an infant by himself anyway. So far he hasn't so much as picked her up from her jumperoo unless I ask him to. Some of the time when I ask him to please take her, he still says no, or will only look after her for a few minutes, and then he's "busy". At this point, I'm really not worried about visitation, but in the final agreement will definitely have things outlined. Any suggestions as far as what to ask for are welcome. I don't want this to get ugly but I also don't know much about these things. Please let me know if I'm missing some vital piece of this.

I'm thankful that he's moving out of state and, other than his vacations (which he prefers to spend off camping or playing games with his family), he's going to stay far away probably permanently due to work.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I would stick to ONE reading if you can't manage more than that.  Make certain that you won't get caught reading it though - keep it hidden at a friends house, or relatives house and read when you are there.  It may put you in more danger if he finds it.

Read, "Why does he DO that" by Lundy Bancroft (first book MamaJen listed) - its AMAZING and changed my life when I read it.  I will recommend that book a MILLION times it helped me so much.

  You said that he is moving for his job soon, I would get an injunction from the court preventing him from taking the children behind your back.  You need to protect yourself and your children

[BabyBearsMummy]

Originally Posted by singin'intherain 

Bananabee, love your signature!

LOL