Free range parenting in someone else's house (update, my mom cut dd's hair)

[waiting2bemommy]

for those of you who have read any past threads of mine, you know that my mom and I have a fairly toxic/difficult reationship although it has improved a little over the last year or so.

SO and I have picked a date to get married and we are going to be living apart for the next 6 months or so until that time. This is not a decision we take lightly and we have very strong feelings about it, so please no "how could you put your child through this" type responses. I'm really looking for support here.

I am going to be staying with my parents and he will be staying with roommates/friends. The kids will be with both of us but primarily with me since I'm nursing dd and there is more room anyway at my parents' place. mY dad really wants to help and offered to let me stay rent free (for the first time since I was.....16????) so that SO and I can save up money for our future plans. We would love to buy a house and the market for it is good right now....this gives us a chance to work on that. So I am very indebted to him for that generosity.

Now....my mom was and is extremely overprotective. When ds visits her, she follows him everywhere, even to the bathroom. She has a lovely, very safe fenced backyard that can be seen from several windows in the house, but she won't let him play out there unless she is out there with him. The yard is l-shaped and she won't even let him go around the corner without her accompanying him. Ds is accustomed to going outside with his neighborhood friends here and having the run of the yard and the neighbor's yard while I keep an eye on him from inside.at our house, ds can open the fridge and get himself a drink or snack from the bottom shelf; at her house, she still wants him to wear a bib. You get the idea.

I know this is probably sounding like a complaint, but I'm committed to making this work for 6 months, but without losing my own parenting style completely. I'm willing to give in on things, especially in the area of cleaning, because we are a lot more relaxed here and my mom likes a scrupulously clean house. I can do that, given that it's her house and i'm living there for free. But I'm not willing to go back to babying ds in every aspect of life.

Has anyone been in this situation? Again, this is something that I HAVE to deal with, so please don't tell me not to move. I know there's goign to be some conflict. I would just like to minimize it and hear from others what is reasonable and what isn't. I should add that when she is in charge of my kids, babysittign or just spending time with them, I defer to her. If I'm not there and she wants to spend her whole day following ds around or cutting up his chicken nuggets that's her prerogative. She is Grandma and I understand taht she is going to have a different way of doing things. I just don't want her to try and make ME do it her way. Just like I'm not trying to make her do things my way. does that make sense?

Any grandparents on this board I would love to hear your perspective!!

[rightkindofme]

I want to offer you some advice but I don't think I have any that would be constructive. I think you are heading into a very difficult situation and I hope it turns out ok.

[Linda on the move]

I think that keeping in mind that it's very temporary will help. I'd also work on non-violent communication with your mom.

When it starts driiving you bonker, have the kids spend some time with their dad or go out together as a family to a park or something. Don't let yourself feel trapped, because you really aren't. You are making a decision to delay gratification, which is a very mature thing to do. Keep an eye on the long term and don't get sucked into the details, which will pass VERY quickly.

[One_Girl]

I live with my parents right now and we have had to make sacrafices to make it work. It was very rocky at first but has evened out a lot now. I don't really have any specific advice, but I have found that being firm about what is important to me and compromising on other things (even parenting things) helps us to keep a positive atmosphere in the house. Talking about these things ahead of time might help, even if she is mad initially she will probably talk with her friends and get perspective that helps her ease up on some things. Or she will tell you that it is her house, she is letting you stay for free, and the conditions of that (which is good to know before moving in also).

[waiting2bemommy]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I think that keeping in mind that it's very temporary will help. I'd also work on non-violent communication with your mom.

When it starts driiving you bonker, have the kids spend some time with their dad or go out together as a family to a park or something. Don't let yourself feel trapped, because you really aren't. You are making a decision to delay gratification, which is a very mature thing to do. Keep an eye on the long term and don't get sucked into the details, which will pass VERY quickly.

That is very encouraging, thank you. Having a concrete date is what will help me keep my sanity, I think. ds is very excited and wants to move today....I think he is expecting it to be one big party from now til April

[waiting2bemommy]

Originally Posted by One_Girl

I live with my parents right now and we have had to make sacrafices to make it work. It was very rocky at first but has evened out a lot now. I don't really have any specific advice, but I have found that being firm about what is important to me and compromising on other things (even parenting things) helps us to keep a positive atmosphere in the house. Talking about these things ahead of time might help, even if she is mad initially she will probably talk with her friends and get perspective that helps her ease up on some things. Or she will tell you that it is her house, she is letting you stay for free, and the conditions of that (which is good to know before moving in also).

Would you be willing toshare specifics? I'm interested in hearing about what parenting things you've compromised on and how it worked for you. Like what things you are firm about and what you were able to let go, and if that affected your relationship with your kids. That is my main concern, that their respect for me will be undermined with two extra adults chiming in on everything I say.

[limabean]

Right or wrong, when people have physical (as in housing) and financial control, they often tend to feel that they should have control over other areas as well. I guess just keep your eye on the prize (the end date and the fact that you'll be saving lots of money).

It's good that you're willing to let your mom interact with your DS as she sees fit and you just don't want her to try to influence the way you choose to parent. I guess just keep repeating, "Thanks mom, but this is how we've always done it and it works for us."

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy

...I think he is expecting it to be one big party from now til April

it may be that way for him.

He's going to GRANDMA'S house

[lilyka]

Its six months. Its not going to kill you or stunt your son etc. Maybe he will really enjoy hanging out with grandma. Maybe he will be willing to humor her. In that case she is the one wasting time following him around every where and babying him. I have a friend that baby's my dd and dd eats it up. I roll my eyes. whatever. Is your mom going to be around all the time? Will there be regular chunks of time where your children will be free to putz around the house without grandma watching their every move. Hey, maybe she will start to relax the more time she spends around them and realizes how capable they are. One can hope And their dad will want to see them a lot. So when you feel like you are going to blow a fuse, time to go spend some time with daddy.

That said, I think if grandmas hovering starts causing your son to freak out you will need to stand up for him. You will need to be calm and firm. I wouldn't use terms like AP or free range. Use words she will understand (even if it makes you cringe inside) "Mom, he is a good boy. He can play outside alone." or "Mom, he is a big boy, he does not need a bib."

And you end of the deal is to make sure you are not overlooking behaviors others may see as irritating, dangerous or unacceptable. Make sure your kids and you are respecting house rules, being tidy, respecting our house mates needs and desires. You may not feel he needs to be followed around because you don't mind what happens when he does but if grandma is heart broken or stressed out or angered over what happens when he is roaming free then indeed he does need more supervision while at her house.

[waiting2bemommy]

yeah ds definitely eats up the attention.

I know they will want to see their dad but he works nights and sleeps days so he can only take them overnight 1 kid at a time, 2 nights a week, plus he and I are still going to be sharing the car, but from two separate residences....oh it makes my head hurt to think about it......

I think ds and I will have to also talk about the expectations at grandma's house, that he will still be expected to listen to me. My mom has had a bad habit in the past of "overruling" me to the point that I felt backed into a corner where my only choice to assert myself as the mother was resorting to spanking the child. Which I resisted, but then he got the message that that dynamic was ok.

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy

Would you be willing toshare specifics? I'm interested in hearing about what parenting things you've compromised on and how it worked for you. Like what things you are firm about and what you were able to let go, and if that affected your relationship with your kids. That is my main concern, that their respect for me will be undermined with two extra adults chiming in on everything I say.

I had to find less messy art to have dd do in the winter so she could explore art without my mom freaking about glitter and other things being harmful if ingested by kids and dogs, limit my dd in where she could have her toys (which is very hard for us because I think a house should show signs of kids being around and dd is used to spreading out), stay on top of any pile of crumbs until my step-dad went on vacation and my mom stopped blaming me for all the mess because the mess went on vacation also, go outside with my dd even in the backyard until she was in first grade, do things with the family more often than I would like to, be quick to intervene when my dd does something that my mom thinks is really not good for a child to do and deserves a punishment.

I have been able to parent the way I want to still and there are many sacrifices they have made to have us here too. It is just hard to hear a lot of judgment, to have to do a lot of education, and to have to explain yourself a lot. I am a single mom and used to making the choices with dd without any interference, and the second guessing is the worst. The little compromises have cut down a lot on the pressure so I have the strength to stand firm on the bigger things like parenting and not insisting that my dd eat an 8 oz piece of chicken breast (which is four servings even for an adult) in addition to a slice of bread, a huge pile of vegetables, and a 12-16 oz glass of milk at each meal and not being allowed to have anything else after the meal if she hasn't eaten all of that. Luckily I took a nutrition class in college, in addition to learning the food pyramid every year until high school,and am able to come back at her with what food serving sizes and daily recommended amounts are.

[mtiger]

Have you considered enlisting your Dad's help?

[EviesMom]

How old are your children?

I would aim for keeping things that he will really notice, like getting his own snacks and drinks, the same. Talk to your mom about them, ask her to help you arrange a shelf that's for him, that kind of thing.

I would just plan to go outside with him, or that she will. When you do, just take something to do such that he has more freedom/feels less watched. It is a different neighborhood and your mom might actually have a good feel for the relative safety of it.

[waiting2bemommy]

Originally Posted by mtiger

Have you considered enlisting your Dad's help?

unfortunately that is a waste of breath. He openly acknowledges that no matter what he says or does my mom is going to be who she is.

If it escalates he may occasionally intervene in the heat of the moment but he has pretty much gotten to the point that he just stays out of it.

[Learning_Mum]

Well I think to a certain extent you're going to have to defer to your Mum's rules, as it is her house.

I would say that if she wants to follow him around, let her. I would tell her that he is quite capable of doing XYZ by himself and continue to parent in the way you do but let her follow him. I think your son will realise that's the way Grandma is and you are different.

I guess just practise saying "Thanks Mum, but I'M his Mother. You just concentrate on having fun with him and let me worry about the discipline."

[pregnant@40]

Could you discuss ground rules w/ your mom prior to moving in? So that you're both on the same page?

[MissMaegie'sMama]

This:

Originally Posted by lilyka

Its six months. Its not going to kill you or stunt your son etc. Maybe he will really enjoy hanging out with grandma. Maybe he will be willing to humor her. In that case she is the one wasting time following him around every where and babying him.

And you end of the deal is to make sure you are not overlooking behaviors others may see as irritating, dangerous or unacceptable. Make sure your kids and you are respecting house rules, being tidy, respecting our house mates needs and desires. You may not feel he needs to be followed around because you don't mind what happens when he does but if grandma is heart broken or stressed out or angered over what happens when he is roaming free then indeed he does need more supervision while at her house.

And this:

Originally Posted by Learning_Mum

Well I think to a certain extent you're going to have to defer to your Mum's rules, as it is her house.

I would say that if she wants to follow him around, let her. I would tell her that he is quite capable of doing XYZ by himself and continue to parent in the way you do but let her follow him. I think your son will realise that's the way Grandma is and you are different.

I guess just practise saying "Thanks Mum, but I'M his Mother. You just concentrate on having fun with him and let me worry about the discipline."

If I have read your post right, it sounds like G-ma is overprotective, not necessarily controlling. From your siggy, I see your DS is almost three years old, which (IMO) is old enough to understand that different people have different expectations. He will probably figure out fast enough that grandma expects him to wear a bib and sit at the table when she feeds him a snack, and that when he goes outside to play she will be right on top of him. It might temporarily put a cramp in his style, but he's young, and it's likely he will adapt to grandma's lifestyle and helicopter ways.

Since this living arrangement is only for six months, I would encourage you to not interfere with your mom's expectations of your son (unless, of course, something she does endangers his safety, which sounds pretty unlikely given how overprotective she is). Expecting a child to wear a bib while eating a snack might seem like micromanagement to you, but to your mom it might seem like a good way to avoid extra laundry. Likewise, her watching over him like a hawk while he plays in the backyard might seem to you as a restriction of his freedom to play and explore, but to her it may seem like the only way to make sure he's safe. As long as she respects your son as a person, I don't see that living with an overprotective grandma for half a year will imprint lasting damage on his spirit and curiousity. Like the PP quoted above said, let g-ma set the ground rules (shoes off in the house, supervised outside, or whatever your mom expects), while you handle the discipline. This situation doesn't sound hopeless, but it does sound like there might be a learning curve involved.

[waiting2bemommy]

ok, so now my question is, I know this is probably going to make me sound awful, but....I have TWO kids, my mom only had me, so she doesn't "get" that there are times when you have to sacrifice one kid for the other, so to speak. i.e. let dd cry for a minute while I tend to ds, or vice versa. Expect ds to get his own snack so that I can nurse the baby.

SO said that I should tell my mom that beyond normal age appropriate supervision, the onus is on her to follow him around and micromanage, that I shouldn't be expected to do it, especially with two children. If she wants to do it, fine, but i'm not. I'm not sure I agree but at the same time I can't imagine what kind of stress it would cause me to try and keep both kids "supervised" at the level she expects all the time. I should add that she has never had to watch both kids alone for more than an hour or two unless one or both was sleeping. Is that fair to say to her since it's her house? Again I'm not talking about allowing my children to just go wild and tear her house apart. i don't allow that here, either. at my house ds has chores and everything (whereas over there he isn't expected to do much but be cute). I just can't fathom how I can get anything done if I have to keep ds in arm's reach every waking moment.

[One_Girl]

I would save that for when you are there and she brings it up. I don't think starting out with that kind of point blank statement is going to go over well and it may be unnecessary. Chances are she will see how hard it is when she sees you with them both or she will at least notice you are nursing one child and she will step in to get him what he needs instead of telling you that you should. If at all possible I suggest having her watch both at a time when they are both awake a few times before even moving in. My mom used to say stuff when I reacted in any way that showed any hint of frustration or being upset with my child, but then she started watching her a lot more and she stopped harping on me being human and she admitted that it was hard and told me she didn't know how I did it without losing it more often.

[lilyka]

I totally agree with your partner on this. It is fine if she wants to follow him around and baby him and SHE is free to do that. But you are only one person and you can only do so much. So long as he is behaving I would let her do her thing while you do yours and not worry about the amount of work she is creating for herself.