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Free range parenting in someone else's house (update, my mom cut dd's hair) - Page 3

post #41 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamalisa View Post

Yea, you guys need to move into your own place.  You are adults, you are parents, you need to be able to sit in the same room without supervision.  It's ridiculous that you're being treated like 13 year olds when you already have a family.  Debt sucks, but so do ridiculous rules and a lack of autonomy for your family and your life.  



 That. Exactly that.

post #42 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy View Post

Yup, ds stayed with his dad last night and after dropping him at school this morning, he came over to get his lunchbox and pic up dd and I. Except that I was still asleep when he got there....lol. So he putzed around outside while he waited for me to get ready, cleaning out the car, shining up the tires (he loves to do this stuff). My mom came home in the middle of this and went compeltely beserk that we were alone together in her house. Mind you we were not holed up together alone in a bedroom and he wasn't even in the house although apparently she parekd around the corner before coming in and was watching, to "catch" him in the act of going in her house while she wasn't there.

 

It was greed on before I moved in that he wouldn't be hanging out here with me unless there was someone else here; that is her rule and we understand that. at the same time he tried to point out that he has a child living in this house and that gives him the right to drop by unannounced to see hsi child or pick her up and take her somewhere as was the plan. We ended up staying out until evening and when I got back my mom had rooted through all my boxes and pulled out every piece of his clothing, most of which needed washing, and stuffed them, dirty, into a garbage bag. She met me at the door with ti and told me that his clothes are not welcome in her house. rotfl. eyesroll.gif

 

I would be hurt/offended by it but "his clothes are not welcome in my home" just sounds so ridiculous that I ended up laughing right in front of her. oops.


This is going to sound terribly cold, but frankly if you choose to stay there for the next 6 months I just won't be able to muster up any sympathy when you post stuff like this day after day. You're making the decision to subject yourself, your DP, and your child to this woman. 


Edited by limabean - 11/11/10 at 11:33am
post #43 of 71

Since at least part of this is based on a religious believe, I assume you have a relationship with some sort of priest/minister/pastor/rabbi/imam (have I left anyone out?).  What does he/she advise?  Can he/she help you find a different living situation for the short term?  Talk to you mother about respecting boundaries?  Mediate a meeting about house rules?  Seems like that would be the first place to turn to for some additional resources / advise / ideas / help.

post #44 of 71

In a nutshell, What limabean said.  sorry

post #45 of 71

It seems like you are allowing your mother to greatly disrespect your fiance and the father of your children. Not to mention, letting her belittle your role as mother. I dunno. It sounds like you have your mind made up, but I urge you to reconsider if it's really really worth it.

 

eta- I'm not sure if this has been mentioned, but it sounds like she's going to try to split you two up. She has more access to do it now that you are living with her.

post #46 of 71

I understand you wanting to recalibrate your religious ideals before getting married. But at what cost?

 

I am having a hard time mustering up any sympathy for anyone other than your poor soon to be husband and your children.

post #47 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by oaktreemama View Post

 

 

I am having a hard time mustering up any sympathy for anyone other than your poor soon to be husband and your children.



Same here; except minus the "sorry for soon to be husband" part.


Edited by Petronella - 11/11/10 at 5:30pm
post #48 of 71

To be very honest, it's not just just mother that is the issue here.  If she is toxic, that is her issue.  If you allow her to treat you, your children, and your fiance this way, then it is YOUR issue. 

 

It sounds like you could be an enabler.  Enablers tend to allow toxic people to treat them badly, manipulate them or put them in impossible situations.  They will either just go along with it or make excuses for the toxic person, because it's easier than standing up to that person and making that person uncomfortable.  That might not describe your relationship exactly, but there are some real similarities.  You mentioned that you've done a lot of growing up and maturing, but I have to tell you that allowing her to treat you this way is NOT a sign of maturity.  Maturity is having healthy relationships around you.   It's great that things are changing in your life and you aren't reacting to her anymore like you used to, but you may have a false sense of progress if you're still willing to put yourself and your kids in such an unhealthy atmosphere. 

 

I hope you take to heart what the other posters said about trying to find other ways to honor your religious beliefs until the wedding, but without living with your mom.

 

Living with her may help you stick to your spiritual beliefs, but it makes your spirit sick.

post #49 of 71

I don't think any advice here is going to be of any help. I've followed your other threads and your mother's behaviour is quite insane. I think you know that she will not relent in any way and is likely to get worse based on your past stints of staying in their home. I mean this is a woman who insisted on inspecting her adult child's underwear on a regular basis!!! If you are going to stay there, you are just going to have to take it. I just hope you continue to stay strong and not let her wear you down to a completely co-dependent state which seems to be the pattern. Good luck!

post #50 of 71

All I can say is, I had to stay with my mom for a very difficult period in my life.  She was extreamly toxic while I was growing up (read as beatings, favoring one of my brothers to the point that my other brother and I STILL refer to him as the golden child, I don't ever remember hearing her say I love you)  Now that we are all grown up she tries to make it like it wasn't so bad and OUTRIGHT denies that some of these incidences never happened.

 

That being said, the only way I managed to get through it was to drink. I hope this isn't what happens to you. I can only say from experience, get out now. Be spiritual and raise your family together.  Good luck!

post #51 of 71
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Celtain View Post

All I can say is, I had to stay with my mom for a very difficult period in my life.  She was extreamly toxic while I was growing up (read as beatings, favoring one of my brothers to the point that my other brother and I STILL refer to him as the golden child, I don't ever remember hearing her say I love you)  Now that we are all grown up she tries to make it like it wasn't so bad and OUTRIGHT denies that some of these incidences never happened.

 

That being said, the only way I managed to get through it was to drink. I hope this isn't what happens to you. I can only say from experience, get out now. Be spiritual and raise your family together.  Good luck!



nope, no drinking I'm trying to stay out of the house when she's here. iT doesn't bother me too much because I think my mindset was different this time. Instead of "moving in" and hoping for a mother daighter relationship, I look at it as a safe place to lay my head at night, a temproary thing, and treat it like I would treat living in a shelter, with no emotional attachment. I'm in counseling and one of the things I am working on is letting go of my expectations about my mom.

 

ds and dd are spending some nights with their dad (whenever he isn't working overnights) and he also takes them while I am at work 4 evenings a week and brings them back just at bedtime.  I'm working on planning some free/cheap activities for tues/thurs mornings (the 2 days that ds isn't in school) so that we can be out of the house those days as well. 

 

I think if I can maintain detached emotionally from the whole thing we can survive 6 months. i'm still on the list for subsidized housing so if we make our way to the top of that list we may be out of here sooner than that.

post #52 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy View Post

I look at it as a safe place to lay my head at night

 

I think if I can maintain detached emotionally from the whole thing we can survive 6 months. 

I have read some more of your old threads and I truly cannot comprehend why you think this house is a safe place for you or your children to be for five minutes, much less six months.
 

It's not a safe place. It's a deeply unsafe place where you live with people that know have repeatedly emotionally abused you, created or contributed to dangerous situations for you, and threatened you with police and CPS involvement in your life, and you also suspect that sexual abuse may have happened to you at the hands of one or more of these people, and you also report that your parents have continued to make you uncomfortable with boundary-violating sexual comments and actions as an adult.

 

Emotional detachment on your part will do NOTHING to protect your children from being abused by these people.

 

post #53 of 71

But can your kids detach emotionally?  Can they ignore g'ma's manipulating and craziness?

 

I know it's for moral/ethical as well as financial reasons you're doing this, but i was a single mama, and moving OUT of a stressful, manipulative, emotionally-abusive atmosphere damaged my DD1 enough.  I would seriously consider whether the moral message of not living together with DP until marriage is worth much to your kids when coupled with the emotional message of how much is worthwhile sacrificing for that goal.  Is it more important to live apart than protect your kids from this toxicity?  Your kids are currently living in a situation which is well-recognised as non-ideal (parents separated, primary home stressful and toxic) and you are choosing that for them.  You are deciding to put them there for non-essential reasons.  Or perhaps they are essential (i don't pretend to know what you do about your life!).  But please be aware that i left DD1's father for VERY VERY sound reasons when she was 4 months old, and she has seen him at LEAST 5 times a week since then (with always 1 sometimes 2 overnights every week) and we have always been friendly/amicable (as in he and DH go out to the cinema together, he eats here often and we eat there, we have family days out with all 3 parents and both kids, etc. etc.), and she has lived with me and DH (who i'm not married to in the legal sense) since just before she was 3 in a VERY stable situation, and she is *still* recovering from the upheavals she lived through..  As an example of what i mean, when DD was 2 months old her dad and i split, 2 months later i moved out with her to a new place.  She STILL flinches at the sound of parcel tape being pulled off the roll, for months after i left him she would cry hysterically whenever she heard that noise.  Us moving had a massive impact on her, and i was moving to a safe, much happier environment.  Don't underestimate the impact these things can have, they are little sponges and it all soaks in, however detached YOU can be.  If you have to stay there i would seriously consider the kids going to live with your DP.

post #54 of 71



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy View Post


 

 i'm still on the list for subsidized housing so if we make our way to the top of that list we may be out of here sooner than that.


You need to let the powers that be at subsidised housing that you are now HOMELESS with 2 children.  That staying at your parents house was the very first step up from sleeping in your car.  That may move you closer to the top of the list.
 

post #55 of 71

I lived with my mom---twice, out of desperate financial necessity---and the damage done took 20+ years to repair.  My younger two are still not close to their grandmother, and she does everything possible to drive a wedge between them and my older one.  It isn't worth your sanity.  I'd go on welfare before I did that again, or stay with my seriously abusive husband.

 

post #56 of 71

I haven't read past posts of yours but if you have a child with this man and have lived together in the past, and assuming that the relationship is healthy, why not just get married immediately to satisify whatever religious requirements you feel are necessary?

 

I don't understand why you would deliberately invite an unhealthy situation into the lives of yourself and your children (and your future husband) for something that looks like it is about appearances.  Why not make a different choice completely for something that is healthier and yet still meets whatever moral or religious constraints you are putting on yourself?

post #57 of 71
Thread Starter 



I am still legally married to my extremely abusive ex. We have been separated since march 2007 but out of fear and financial constraints I never pursued divorce until now. I finally have a reason to do it but of course it takes time. It will be about another month before I save up the balance of what i owe the lawyer to set a court date, then about 2 weeks from then until the actual hearing, at which time I'll be legally free to marry. but that is the best case scenario. If the car keeps cbreaking down, the kids keep outgrowing/ruining clothes, every bill collector I've ever owed keeps threatening to take me to court, it really will take until April. We just chose April to get married because we knew that by then for sure I will have gotten the legal stuff taken care of.  Quote:

Originally Posted by Karenwith4 View Post

I haven't read past posts of yours but if you have a child with this man and have lived together in the past, and assuming that the relationship is healthy, why not just get married immediately to satisify whatever religious requirements you feel are necessary?

 

I don't understand why you would deliberately invite an unhealthy situation into the lives of yourself and your children (and your future husband) for something that looks like it is about appearances.  Why not make a different choice completely for something that is healthier and yet still meets whatever moral or religious constraints you are putting on yourself?

post #58 of 71

I find cutting someone else's child's hair without permission to be absolutely inappropriate. And I agree that at this point it's time to get out of there asap, because your kids are not old enough to be able to distance themselves. um, I would freak if my partner, and the father of my kids, wasn't allowed to be in my parents' front yard without them present. it's the front yard, what are you going to do? I can see why not in the house, but the yard?

post #59 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marissamom View Post

I find cutting someone else's child's hair without permission to be absolutely inappropriate. And I agree that at this point it's time to get out of there asap, because your kids are not old enough to be able to distance themselves. um, I would freak if my partner, and the father of my kids, wasn't allowed to be in my parents' front yard without them present. it's the front yard, what are you going to do? I can see why not in the house, but the yard?



I can't. She's a grown woman, with children. This is all entirely nonsensical, and nothing more than manipulative and controlling. Could her parents reasonably put their foot down about the boyfriend spending the night? Yea, they could. It seems silly to me, but it's how some people feel. But..... the front yard?! Or the living room, with the kids around? Geez. 

post #60 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy View Post



I am still legally married to my extremely abusive ex. We have been separated since march 2007 but out of fear and financial constraints I never pursued divorce until now. I finally have a reason to do it but of course it takes time. It will be about another month before I save up the balance of what i owe the lawyer to set a court date, then about 2 weeks from then until the actual hearing, at which time I'll be legally free to marry. but that is the best case scenario. If the car keeps cbreaking down, the kids keep outgrowing/ruining clothes, every bill collector I've ever owed keeps threatening to take me to court, it really will take until April. We just chose April to get married because we knew that by then for sure I will have gotten the legal stuff taken care of.  Quote:

Originally Posted by Karenwith4 View Post

I haven't read past posts of yours but if you have a child with this man and have lived together in the past, and assuming that the relationship is healthy, why not just get married immediately to satisify whatever religious requirements you feel are necessary?

 

I don't understand why you would deliberately invite an unhealthy situation into the lives of yourself and your children (and your future husband) for something that looks like it is about appearances.  Why not make a different choice completely for something that is healthier and yet still meets whatever moral or religious constraints you are putting on yourself?


 


Thanks for the explanation. I guess I still don't understand what the point of this exercise is, especially if the PPs are correct and the situation with your mother is as unhealthy and potentially abusive as they indicate.  I know you said you were looking for support only for this situation, and not to have anyone question why you are doing this so I won't say anything other than I hope your children are safe and that I hope for their sake you reconsider decisions like this that put them in harm's way. 

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