Need encouragement for terrible sleeper!!

[mamma2j]

So my 6 month old DD is an awful sleeper. Naps, night, you name it, it's a struggle! I come on here for advice and encouragement and leave terribly DIScouraged that so many people are still having major sleep issues w/ 10, 12, 18 and 24 month olds!

DD was in our room in a cosleeper until recently. Now she starts in her crib in her room, and she ends up in our bed at around 2am. BF-ing was another nightmare which ended in pumping, bottlefeeding and now formula. I have been depressed about it all since day 1. Anyway, she does not need to eat in the middle of the night (has not for a good 6 weeks or so now), but she does wake and need to be held and comforted.

She usually wakes 2-3 times at night and takes 30-60 min to get back to sleep. Lately during the day she falls asleep in my arms (often after A LOT of crying) and if I put her down she wakes immediately - wide awake! I pick her back up but it takes up to an hour to get her back to sleep. At that point I hold her for the rest of her nap.

I feel like she's CIO when she won't fall asleep, even though I'm holding her, bcs there is nothing I can do to make her stop. <Sniff>

My problem with holding her for naps is that I tried that a few weeks ago and she was getting so used to being held that she was not sleeping AT ALL on her own at night. In our bed the whole night. We finally got her part of the night in her crib but now I feel the same problem coming on again.

I am so tired all the time, stressed because I get nothing done around the house and have absolutely no time to myself or with my DH. I never intended to cosleep because I don't want to go through getting a toddler to sleep in her own room!! I love being a mom and have alway wanted lots of kids, but this one is killing me and I'll be lucky if I (and dh!!) can handle even one more! And that would have to be many years from now!!! It just makes me sad because I would have loved a smoother experience where I actually still looked forward to having more kids. I guess in a way, I feel I've lost my dream of being mom to a big family. Does that make any sense??

Don't know exactly what I'm looking for. Wonderful ideas that I haven't tried yet? Reassurance that not all of my children will be like this, and that she will outgrow it and allow me to give my attention to another baby someday?
A reality check that this is my baby and I need to deal with it and forget about more kids fo at least 5 years? A hug maybe?

[CliffsideMama]

Hugs, mama!
Not sure how much advice i can offer, but I wanted to say i read your post and empathize with you... sleep issues can be so difficult.

Our DD has been a light sleeper and has slept through the night ONE time in her (almost) 3 years! We co slept until about 6 months ago when she decided she wanted her own bed, the "big girl" bed. There was no problem with her being a toddler and transitioning to her bed. So she nurses to sleep (something I would have stopped a long time ago if i could go back in time) about 8pm and wakes around 2/3am, when I go to her(we've nightweaned; I just lie beside her and she falls back asleep quickly). I usually fall asleep beside her and wake up in her bed (which is a doube mattress on the floor). This is working very well for us at this time.

I've come to a peaceful place in my mind where I understand that the time in my life that I'll be sharing my DD's bed is so short in relation to how many nights I'll be in my own/husband's bed... so I'm trying to enjoy it.

Have you investigated any reflux issues that may be bothering your baby?
Is teething an issue right now?
Diet can really affect sleep, maybe start there? (eg. dairy, wheat allergies)

I wish you well in your parenting journey... and don't give up on your dreams! It will get easier, and better, and you'll want to have more before you know it.

[rlmum]

I feel your pain!

our little one is 10 months now and he used to go to sleep with no problems but now it's such a stressful event! he sleeps twice in the day (i know i'm lucky i keep pinching myself!) but when it comes to night time...it's ugly! he'll cry and cry and then drop off so we think all is well but then about half an hour later he wakes up and cries again. we think it may be teething but pain relief hasn't stopped the crying. someone told me that it's just that age, they are developing more memory retention and with that comes more fears etc. so for now i'm trying to establish a solid bedtime routine and hope that will work! good luck and don't be so down, you're not alone!!

[P.J.]

First of all,

Originally Posted by mamma2j

I never intended to cosleep because I don't want to go through getting a toddler to sleep in her own room!!

So much of what I intended or wanted or didn't want has changed since I've become a mama and lived the reality of my baby. Maybe it's time to reconsider co-sleeping. It really sounds to me like your baby needs the physical reassurance of sleeping next to you. It wasn't clear from your post if she is sleeping in your bed while all this night waking is occuring. If not, then maybe that would help. As a PP mentioned, a couple years isn't all that much time in her life, and many parents report not having issues getting their toddler out of their bed.
As for the naps, the book The No-Cry Nap Solution has a section on getting an in-arms only napper to sleep on their own. Maybe it would help you. GL!

[lessmith23]

Originally Posted by P.J.

So much of what I intended or wanted or didn't want has changed since I've become a mama and lived the reality of my baby.

Huge ditto to this! I can totally relate to the stresses that having a child who is not an "easy" sleeper. After 15 months, my advice is to do what works best for your family to maximize sleep for all. Maybe this means DD sleeping on a mattress on the floor or you and her sleeping in a separate room.

We ditched the crib when DD was about 8 months old. It just wasn't worth the hassle. Doing that alone was a big help. I also used to lay with DD while she napped to ensure she napped longer than 30 min. It wasn't always easy as at times I wished I could have been doing something more productive but I'd take the laptop in or have a nap myself. At least DD woke happy instead of grumpy from a short nap.

At 15 months DD's sleep is not great but we're miles from where we were. She's sleeping 12 hours a night and wakes usually 2 times. In terms of the CIO - I don't consider what you've described to be that. There has been times where DD has cried herself to sleep. Nothing DH or I did worked so we simply laid in bed with her. What else can you do sometimes?

Finally, in terms of other kids, I just try to remember that they are all different. Just because you have one child who is a difficult sleeper doesn't mean that will be the case for any future children (at least that's what I keep telling myself! )

[Nazsmum]

My 1st was not a good sleeper. We are still co-sleeping.....OK, 6 month so little. I know it feels like you are never going to get sleep!!! I so understand that. The thing that I found most helpful was/is co-sleeping. Just being about to roll-over and comfort/bf/feel for fever or whatever made it a little easier on my sleep.

It is hard BUT it will get better with time.

[LadyCatherine185]

my DS was a horrible sleeper until 19 months or so (he woke every hour or more all night..) and we coslept. We then nightweaned slowly and moved him to his own bed. Went VERY smoothly and he began STTN. No tears either. This to say, don't worry about setting yourself up for "problems" in the future, because once they can understand what is going on and are older, the transition can be MUCH easier. No way could we have done that at 6 months old.

Some things that really helped us during the worst times---

white noise, blackout curtains
cosleeping
napping when baby naps
having DH take DS for an hour every morning so I could get some extra sleep
DH (still does) took Liam out every Saturday morning for a couple hours
Let the chores/housework go for awhile, catch up on weekends

The first year of my DS's life was REALLY hard. I too always wanted a big family, but didn't think I would want anymore after how difficult Liam was as a baby.. but here I am 3 days away from my due date with my second. I promise it gets easier, and so much better!

A couple books that were a great help to me were The No Cry Sleep Solution and Sleepless in America.

[sammymama]

Sending you a big hug indeed!! I am the mama of a very sleep-challenged 14 mo old DD. I was a nanny for several years when I was younger and helped my parents "sleep train" their infants. Apparently, I had the easiest babies in the world, b/c they never had to CIO, they just simply accepted their cribs and went to sleep. Oh, and if we were out and they got tired - they just went to sleep on their own. So that's how I pictured life with my baby to be, bought my pretty crib, etc (certainly NEVER thought I would co-sleep past very early infancy!!!!). I did plan to b-f so I started out with a co-sleeper. After about the 3rd night I gave up trying to place DD in it as she would just start to stir, grunt, eventually cry within 10 minutes of being put down. Mine or DH's chest was the only place she'd settle. Same with naps - after about 6 weeks she couldn't go to sleep on her own, even on the boob (and forget sleeping in the car, no love for her there, either). So I started holding her for naps - and getting her to finally snooze off by bouncing on an exercise ball, then slowly starting to feel the same things you are describing - can't do anything else, no free time, etc. I tried several no-cry solutions dutifully at several different points to no avail (i have a persistent one!!). In the midst of all of that, I started experimenting with different carriers and have been using them for all of her naps since then (yes, I have literally worn her for every. single. nap. for 14 mos. I don't "admit" this to most people b/c they think I'm looney or setting myself up for toddler issues, etc, all that stuff).

For me, I had to come to the conclusion that I believe deeply in my DD's needs. I do not believe she just "prefers" to sleep near me, I believe at this stage she genuinely needs me - that is just how she is wired. So I have made her sleep a priority and had to rearrange a great deal of things to do so (my house is not dirty but it is not as organized as my former self would've kept it, I have not been out of my house past 8pm save for 2 or 3 times since DD has been born, it is challenging to arrange outings/errands, etc, so carefully around her sleep, DH and I have had to get creative in the sex dept, etc) - BUT I have found that most of these things are truly not a great sacrifice in the grand scheme of things, and that changing my attitude/philosophy has been the greatest help of all.

That is not to say this hasn't been hard - REALLY hard, tearfully, I'm-so-tired-I'm-going-to-pass-out hard - at moments, but you can do it. Find a way to get yourself some sleep as well (if you can't lay down with your baby when they nap or don't have family in the area to stay with them for an hour while you sleep, hire a college student 2 or 3 days a week to be in the next room with your baby while you get in some sleep time, set a solid sleep-in and/or naptime routine on the weekends when DH is home, etc).

Look into new ways to get baby to sleep so you have a little more mobility - a ring sling, a MT, an Ergo, etc. And it sounds like co-sleeping would really help. At least then you are not staggering down the hall - and baby doesn't need to necessarily wake herself all the way up and get that much more outraged. You can just put her in bed and get a mesh bedrail, or if you'd like to try more space, sidecar her crib to the bed and see how that works for you. FWIW, at nighttime I wear DD for the first 2 hours of her sleep, then when she's deeply asleep (as deeply asleep as she gets, lol), I can lay down in bed with her and usually get her settled there pretty quickly. (Addressing the concept of co-sleeping: I jsut had to take it one day at a time and go with it as long as it worked. I tune out the "she'll be in your bed 'til she's 12" crap from random people, as I know that eventually this time will pass and she will sleep alone. In the same way that I would not think to push or force her towards other developmental milestones, I will not on this one, either.)

Try some sort of new motion: a ball, a swing, etc, other methods to get DD back to sleep quicker should she wake all the way up in the middle of the night (I have taken this exercise ball *everywhere* with me - planes, car trips, friends' houses who lived too far away to get back in time for nap time, etc!) And I second the PP suggestion of a sound machine - we white-noise it every time she falls asleep (just easier than her startling awake at some random little noise).

The Baby Sleep Book by Dr. Sears was a great help to me. I also have to say, watching my DD grow and thrive reinforces my choices for me a little bit more everyday. Not bragging on my DD, but I'm just saying she is bright, happy and engaged - and even when I am at my most tired, I know she has gotten the rest she needs and is benefitting greatly (and my day is ultimately so much easier as there are no longer stresses/battles over sleeping time - and no more dealing with a crabby-due-to-overtiredness kid).

And SUPPORT - as in, moms who feel you and are going through the same thing. I met 2 of them at LLL and would not have made it through this last year without them (or this message board, for that matter). I also found that I needed to work really hard to tune out naysayers, and even avoid some playdates if anyone was going to be judge-y or critical. That's the last thing you need when you're tired and vulnerable!

I totally hear you on the other kids thing. I thought the same exact thing at 4am the other morning, in fact! Every baby is different, and there is no guarantee that they will all be sleep-challenged. Heck, if you had one of those "easy" babies next, it would be a cake-walk after this experience! I take comfort in the fact that the majority of the people I've chatted with who have babes like ours say that things usually improve drastically around the 2 yr (or end of the molar arrivals) mark. So you can space your babes 3 years apart - not so bad? And of course you could get through it if you really wanted them closer, just saying there is an end in sight, even though it may not feel like it.

My very last thought is that basically every single new parent I know says they are tired for the first year or two. We all just are! It's all relative to everyone's experience: if you have some easy, crib-sleeping baby, when they wake up due to the inevitable teething, growth spurt, etc, those parents will be sooo tired during those moments. If you have a co-sleeping baby who wakes to nurse 4-6 times a night, the mom may be able to fall back asleep quickly - but she's still waking up 4-6 times a night! And what if dad is a light sleeper? I hope this part is coming out right; I'm not meaning it to sound like 'suck it up', but just to illustrate that everyone feels tired. There is a spectrum, of course, and you are definitely on the far side of it...

Trust your mama instinct and go with what you feel your individual baby needs. This time *will* pass - and it will also ebb and flow. I had moments of, 'ohh, we've made it over the hump' only to be foiled by 6 teeth coming in at once, etc, but truly, as they get older, it gets better and better bit by bit.

Sorry this turned into a novel... I feel passionately on this subject, and truly wish you the best!

Good luck.

[mamma2j]

So I am back.  Thank you all for the advice and encouragement!  We are about in the same place, but I have a new question.  DD still begins the night in her crib around 7, wakes usually around 9, back in the crib until the next time she wakes.  Sometimes it's 10, 11, 12, or 1....never later than that.  At that point we bring her into our bed.  Though I never intended to co-sleep, I am totally fine doing it if we all get rest.  HOWEVER, here's my question.  Lately (like the past few weeks), she's been waking up in the middle of the night crying IN OUR BED.  A snuggle does not comfort her, and I have to get up and rock her back to sleep.  What the heck??? I hold her, hug her, even sorta pick her up so she's cradled in my arms....nothing.  As soon as I physically get out of bed and go sit in the chair, she calms down. Seriously???? Why??  Any theories?  I DO think she might have started teething, though I'm not sure. Teething tablets don't seem to make much difference either. 

[La Sombra]

I'm sorry I have no advice, just commiseration.  My dd (now 3.5) had these night-waking episodes all the time when she was a baby, for maybe the first year of her life.  My ds started off sleeping beautifully and I felt so relieved and lucky.  But now he is doing the same thing.  He, too, starts out the night in his crib and then once we go to bed and he wakes up he goes into our bed.  But lately he wakes up in the middle of the night every night sometimes for HOURS and just WILL NOT SLEEP.  I'm so upset and I feel like I'm losing my mind.  I dread going to bed now.  I know it will pass from experience, but it's still really stressing me out.  I have no idea why he does this or what to do... Hugs and good luck to you.

[sillysmile]

Sorry to hear that you are struggling. I know how difficult it can be to parent while sleep-deprived. Just to share my experience, my DD is nearly 2 and still wakes 3-6 times per night. She stopped eating at night around 20 months, but still wakes frequently and needs help from us to get back to sleep. Like your DD, ours will wake crying even while co-sleeping... so she is definitely not crying because of the distance between us. I can sometimes get her back to sleep quickly by rocking for 2-3 minutes, or by giving her a bottle with some water. Very very occasionally I can get her back to sleep just by cuddling her in the bed, but this is a pretty recent development. More often than not, my attempts to soothe her in the bed don't work, and soon she's fully awake and will take anywhere from 30 min to a few hours to resettle. So I'm usually lazy and go to the rocking chair or get her a bottle. At 6 months, every time DD woke (more like 6-8x/night, sometimes even every hour), it was with a very quickly escalating cry and we needed to take her out of the bed and rock or bounce her for a long time (10-20 min) to calm her down. Motion works wonders to calm fussy babies, and I'm not surprised to hear that your DD prefers the rocking chair to a cuddle. Just watch out because they can get really dependent on motion to go to sleep once it becomes a routine. Weaning from the rocking chair is currently our biggest challenge. Sorry to be rambling.. hope there is something useful you can extract!

[sillysmile]

I also wanted to add that 6 months seems pretty young go all night without eating. I'm sure that you don't want to go backwards and start nighttime feeds, but it's worth considering whether she might resettle more quickly and sleep longer stretches with a feed or two in the middle.

[mamma2j]

Thanks for the encouragement!  Actually, since my first post, dd is now almost 8 months.  I do wonder when she wakes in our bed around 4ish, if she's hungry.  I've been dealing w/ the on and off whimpers & cries until abt 5, then get up and give her a bottle.  She started solids and is starting to creep 7 try to crawl, so I'm thinking she's needing more calories.