How do you determine if behavior constitutes workplace bullying, and either way, what can I do...

[MoonJelly]

It's my manager. Long-story-short: I often feel that I am being bullied and it's been going on, though sometimes only sporadically, for almost 5 years. There are also others in the company who she bullies, by yelling at them, but I don't feel that anyone else is going to do anything about it or that they would back me up. The main reason being that they are not her direct subordinates.

This is difficult because I really like my job and my company, and I also am having trouble with having two kids, one a toddler, and trying to find another job.

I have basically just learned to put up with it because weeks can go by without incident, but what happens is that when an incident does happen, I just get so worked up that I can't concentrate and it just basically ruins my day. DH gets the earful when we get home and he's great but he doesn't want to see me continue to put up with this.

There is an ethics hotline, though it's mainly for financial-type whistleblowing and that sort of thing. Not sure I want to go this route. Our HR director left recently and I don't think we have a new one yet which complicates matters further.

I am just at a loss. I don't really want to lose my job. It would also be quite awkward if this all came out and I still have to work in the same vicinity as this person.

To complicate things even further, we use the same daycare.

Sorry if this was rambling. TIA for any advice!

[Ellien C]

Is there anyone else in HR you can talk to? Do you have any line to HER supervisor?

I was in a very similar situation with a yeller. First she was my boss. Then things changed and she was DATING my boss. It was totally awful. All of the other managers would protect their subordinates from her, but not mine. And she would be jealous of the time my boss and I spent together. I was his only direct report.

Anyway - a couple of things happened for me.
1) I learned never let her speak to me while I was sitting down. She used her height to dominate people. When she came to my cube I learned to stop what I was doing, turn around and stand-up. It helped a lot.

2) At some point during my employment it became clear to me that I would eventually leave. I was finishing up an MBA program at night anyway. I figured it wouldn't hurt things too badly (married, no kids) if I quit early and finished up in the full-time program. From that point on, I decided that if she yelled at me one more time, I was going to up and quit then and there. This made DH really, really nervous but that's another story. do you know from that point on she didn't yell at me for 9 months? It had been weekly. Somehow those kinds of manipulators really sense boundaries.

[Minxie]

The very first thing I would do is to buy a small journal and start annotating every incident that occurs, no matter how trivial it seems. If it makes you uncomfortable, note it.

Second, I would speak to her as an adult. If you can't speak to her, you might try an email. I would definitely let her know before you go to HR or her boss. Start with a compliment about her experience or knowledge or something, let her know that the yelling breaks your concentration, and then finish with a compliment. Be very smooth, TACTFUL, and firm. Bullies will back down if you stand up to them.

If you follow this step, be prepared for a bit of awkwardness in your relationship with her while the power dynamic balances. It will throw her off balance to have someone who she's been abusing speak to her about the abuse.

If you feel your working environment is hostile, and tell the offender so, they are obligated to stop. If she does not, or it gets worse, then I would go directly to HR with your journal including the date of when you spoke to her about it. Companies take this stuff seriously because they can be SUED. Just make sure you document it; you will be taken much more seriously if you have notes and can use these in a lawsuit if necessary.

Document, document, document. I had a problem with a senior co-worker who yelled at me but I had a hard time talking to him because he was an older man who was a bit misogynistic. I emailed him and let him know that while I valued his experience, I did not appreciate the way he spoke to me. Then I continued on as if the incident had not occurred. It took about a month before he would talk to me again but when he did, he was professional which is all I wanted in the first place.

[*MamaJen*]

That's good advice that you've gotten so far.
In terms of conflict resolution, the first step to fixing a problem is usually addressing it at the source. I think that if she has an outburst again, you should talk to her about it (that is, if you feel like you can do it calmly.) Addressing rather than avoiding the conflict will get you better results.
One kind of script you can use is, "When you do x, it makes me feel y, and z results." For example, the day after the outburst, you could go up to her and say, "There's an issue I'd like to talk to you about. When you speak to me in a raised voice, it makes me feel disrespected, and I find it difficult to concentrate on my work after that. I would really appreciate it if you could make an effort to avoid yelling." Like other people said, be assertive but tactful. Make it about actions, not personalities. People can change their actions, but not their personalities.
Often, just proactively raising the issue to someone is a big step to fixing it. A lot of the time, people can be blind to the effect of their actions and they are willing to work on issues if other people address them. If that doesn't work, then yes, you should definitely go to HR.

[EarthMamaToBe]

What kind of things does the manager do?

[Caneel]

I worked with two bullies at my last job.

Bully #1 was an equal opportunity jerk - his bullying and horrible behavior was dished out to anyone, male/female, younger/older, didn't matter. He also used to throw and smash things too.

I went to my boss, who went to his boss to called Bully #1 and said something along the lines of if she ever feels scared by your actions again, we are going straight to HR. That was enough to check his actions. Instead of cursing at me, he would go out into the hall and scream at the walls. Also during our time together, I did learn to grow a thicker skin, accept that some people have personality disorders, every office has at least one jerk and so on.

Originally Posted by Ellien C

Anyway - a couple of things happened for me.
1) I learned never let her speak to me while I was sitting down. She used her height to dominate people. When she came to my cube I learned to stop what I was doing, turn around and stand-up. It helped a lot.

I used this trick with Bully #1 and it worked, he very much disliked people getting close to him and when he would start his ranting, I would actually walk towards him.

Bully #2 was scary. He was very successful (top dog in the department), intelligent, manipulative and abusive. He definately targetted women. He had an excuse for everything, nothing was ever his fault. I journalled every single interaction with him. My problem with him ended when he lost control in front of a group (long story but he actually grabbed at my scarf and I yelled very loudly DO NOT TOUCH ME!) and I think he was scared of me. He stopped talking to and looking at me after that incident.

Point being, everyone knew the guy was bad news, people were complaining to bosses and HR but he was that good at manipulating people, it took a long time until he cracked and showed his true colors, at which point he immediately quit. Later I learned he never worked at one company for more than 4 years, which was about the time it took him to wear out his welcome where we worked together.

5 years later, my friends from that job still talk about Bully #2 and how scary-good he was at his abuse and manipulation. None of the traditional business school teachings (reporting to HR, going to a supervisor, etc.) would have worked on him.

Both #1 and #2 were employeed by a publicly traded company. It boggles the mind that stuff like that goes on in large companies, considering the fear of lawsuits, but it does.

[lunarlady]

I struggled with a rude and mean manager, and what I did was go to my manager's boss. I explained that we didn't get along, and that I would appreciate a transfer to a different manager. I was very calm about it. Unfortunatly, there were no other positions at the company that I could move to. I lasted about another month, then complained again. This time we had mediation with a third party moderating. Another month went by, and she was in my face again, saying I was lazy, too stupid to do a time card correctly, and that we needed to fix my work right away. I had enough. I said "I can fix all the problems. I quit. Find someone else.". The look on her face was priceless. I went to the managers office and told him. He said if I changed my mind, I should call him Monday and come back. But i cleaned out my cube that day and never went back. I worked retail for awhile to make ends meet, then went back to school and changed carriers.

Not any advice, just wanted you to know I feel your pain. Good luck.