I don't know what my options are with exh

[muldey]

My exh has been nothing but a problem for me.He comes over and eats my food(he never went back to food stamps to find out why his weren't in this month),steals money from my bag if I don't hide it,and is now stealing my medication.I feel like I can't let him in anymore at all.I want a restraining order but I can't get one since he is homeless and they can never find him to serve him.The problem is he has unlimited visitation with the kids,as long as he is sober.And he uses this.I can't change that either as they can't serve him to come to court.

So I'm stuck.He will literally stand at my door and bang for hours and hours.The police won't do a thing,unless he is drunk then they take him to the hospital to dry out.He's very disrespectful to me,thankfully he is decent with the kids but I don't want them seeing him treat me the way he does.He's burnt all his bridges and has no where else to go,and it's freezing at night now.So I end up feeling bad for him and letting him stay overnight.

He recently got turned down for a job since he failed the drug test for pot.I love how he can't support his kids(no child support in over 2 years),but always finds a way to get drunk or stoned.The last straw for me is him stealing my meds.I take seroquel and he's been stealing those.I guess he wants to get high in anyway he can.So now I have to find a way to lock up my meds as well as my cash.He threatens to call the cops on me saying I won't let him in to see his kids when I ignore the door.

Can the cops actually do anything to me?I WANT him to take me to court over visitation,so i can explain to the judge what he does.I can probably get his visits down to supervised and very limited if I go to court.

Do I have any options here?We do have court on Dec 9th for child support,and the judge said no job,and he goes to jail.So hopefully he'll go to jail,but he says he won't show up for court.I'm sure they'll send out a warrant for him.If he comes knocking at my door I can call the cops and he'll be taken in on the warrant, right?I'm just done and sick of everything he's putting us through.

[josybear]

can't you have the cops arrest him for harassment? i'm sorry, mama. that sounds like hell.

[chaoticzenmom]

can you have him served when he shows up at your door? It doesn't seem like he's that hard to find.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds very difficult and complicated. You can refuse to let him into your home. I'd change the locks and not let him in. If he comes in, call the police.

[althara]

First off talk to an attorney for advice on the legal action you can take. Then file the appropriate papers with the court to get a restraining order or change visitation citing that he is stealing from you, shows up drunk or on drugs, and whatever else you need to do. Worry about how they will serve it AFTER the paperwork is filed.

Talk to the process server, let them know that he is homeless but often shows up at your home. Get their cell phone number. The next time he is banging on the door call the process server and let them know exactly where he is (at your front door).

If he doesn't show up for court and they issue a warrant for his arrest call the cops the next time he is at the front door. Do not tell him what you are doing. Let him bang on the door for hours until he is served or hauled off to jail.

Document everything! If he steals from you write down what, when, and where. Of he shows up high or drunk write everything down. You need to have proof as best you can manage of these things so that the court will take you seriously.

Lastly do not let him manipulate you into doing what he wants. He is using your kids as an excuse to steal from you. If he threatens to call the cops when you don't let him into your house let him do so. First off I doubt he will do anything of the sort, and secondly if they do show up explain to the cops that he is allowed to see the kids but you cannot let him into the house due to his stealing your money and legally prescribed medications. The court order doesn't say you have to let him into your house, it just says he can visit his kids, right?

I also would not let him stay with me if I were in that situation. Find the information for any local shelters and give it to him when he tells you he doesn't have a place to stay.

You do have the power to not allow him to disrespect you, steal from you, and use your children to manipulate you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

ETA: Lastly do everything in your power to not engage in bickering, fights, or drama with him. (His behavior is intended to keep you off guard and make you do the wrong thing to look like the bad guy. That's what manipulators do. Ask me how I know.) Lay down the rules as they are written by the court order. Do not fill in the blanks with what "should be," those are for reasonable people and your ex doesn't sound like a reasonable person. It's time to set boundaries that adhere to the letter of the court orders, but do not allow him anything beyond that.

[muldey]

Thank you.I asked if I could have him served while at my door or even use my address for him to be served,and was told no.I will try again though,maybe the person I spoke to was wrong.There has got to be a way.I just want him to leave me alone.I just keep telling myself one more month and he'll be in jail,but I can't go through another day of this.

I'll start documenting everything he does,so I show it to the judge in dec,and maybe they can do something about the visitation.He's trying to make me out to be the bad guy to everyone he knows,saying I won't let him see the kids,but when I do and if I have an appointment and he stays with the kids,for maybe an hour,only when he's sober of course,I'm using him as a babysitter.I can't do that anymore now that he's stealing my meds,I don't trust that he won't take them around the kids.

He just doesn't get it,he thinks everything he does is fine.He actually told me he could steal my money because my mom would replace itI live on $567 a month,I can't afford to have a penny stolen.It's not fair to my mom for her to replace the money.I just have to do something.He said to me today he took the money($2) because he's thinking of himself now .Like he hasn't been thinking of only himself all along.He said that because he went to see my therapist(she used to see us together,but won't see him anymore) and she said to go into a treatment facility and the reason should be because he's doing it for himself.I just don't get him.

I just went outside,and he's been here,disasembling a lawnmower and leaving all the pieces on my front walkway and stairs.Now I have to go out there and pick it all up,and I'm pretty sure those are my dad's tools he was using.I know he was drunk when he did that.He treats my house like its his,and that really upsets me.I just want him gone.The kids will be fine without him.I think our lives would be some much easier.

[doubledutch]

i'm sorry. where i live, he could be served by alternate means (like publication in the newspaper) and he could be arrested for trespassing if i had informed him he could not be on my property, and he refused to leave (or continued coming back). i agree that you need to talk to a lawyer to find out how these things work in your state.

even though he has visitation, you do not have to allow it to happen at your house. tell him he can't come over any more, and when he wants visitation, you and the kids will meet him at a public place (like the library).

[Halfasianmomma]

Doubledutch has an excellent suggestion...Can you do visitations at a playground inside a mall, at a library or community center? It would keep him from stealing from you, and it may keep his behaviour from getting out of hand.