Parenting Challenges - WWYD?

[Phoenix~Mama]

Feeling like a failure here...

Both of my kids were screaming at the same time tonight. DD has another nasty cold and woke up from coughing, quite upset. DS really wanted to eat.

DS absolutely cannot get this cold, as he is a preemie with lung issues, freshly home from the NICU.

I just wanted to sit down and cry because both of them needed me like right now and I had no idea what to do.

Luckily my Dad woke up and came to help, but... I should be able to take care of my kids on my own... and I couldn't.

WWYD in this situation?

[Learning_Mum]

First off, congrats! I didn't realise you'd had your DS already!

Secondly, it's a juggling game. You pretty much have to make the decision every time who needs you the most at that moment. There are going to be times that one has to wait and that's OK.

Depending on how hungry DS was, I might have comforted DD first, but ONLY because comforting a toddler usually takes less time than feeding a newborn. It's also quite acceptable to comfort a child by talking when you have no other options.

Finally, it's OK to need help! You are ONE person, trying to look after THREE people. There are going to be times you need help, because unfortunately you can't clone yourself!

It will get better!

[Wild Lupine]

s

It's still very early days being the mother of two. It takes a while to adjust to each new child, figure out how to integrate them into the routines and rhythms of the family. It will happen, one day you'll realize that the day went relatively smoothly and that you're not entirely wiped out, tired, yes, wiped out, no. Until then, take whatever support is offered. No mother was ever meant to do that newborn stage alone.

I hope your DD is feeling better soon.

[Latte Mama]

So that's where you've been. Congrats mama!!!! (I have no useful advice obviously)

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama

Luckily my Dad woke up and came to help, but... I should be able to take care of my kids on my own... and I couldn't.

Why? It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, why not ask for help when it's available? Don't feel guilty, no one should have to parent alone!!

I only have one & what you described is a big fear of mine if we're ever able to conceive a second child. I think you just need to figure out who needs you most, or who can be quickly calmed, or if you could quickly calm one of them and then go meet the other's needs & then go back to the first child to 'finish the job' if that makes sense.

Are you trying to keep both kids apart for now? That sounds sooo tough... I imagine it would be 10000 times easier if you could just grab the newborn & go nurse WHILE you calm down the toddler.

[Super~Single~Mama]

You are NOT a failure!! Oh man, so not a failure, more like anything BUT!

How's Riley doing????

[LynnS6]

No, you shouldn't be able to care for both kids all by yourself. Humans were not meant to parent in isolation. Evoluationarily we developed in troops and then villages. If you'd been in a village, you would have had a mother or a sister or an 'auntie' or a father or a brother or a cousin or a... to hand off one of the kids too.

I'm glad that your dad was able to help. You've only got 2 hands. You've got 2 kids under 2. Be gentle with yourself.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Learning_Mum

First off, congrats! I didn't realise you'd had your DS already!

Secondly, it's a juggling game. You pretty much have to make the decision every time who needs you the most at that moment. There are going to be times that one has to wait and that's OK.

Depending on how hungry DS was, I might have comforted DD first, but ONLY because comforting a toddler usually takes less time than feeding a newborn. It's also quite acceptable to comfort a child by talking when you have no other options.

Finally, it's OK to need help! You are ONE person, trying to look after THREE people. There are going to be times you need help, because unfortunately you can't clone yourself!

It will get better!

All this.

When you have multiple kids, their needs are going to be in conflict sometimes. It takes time to adjust to that, and you're still very early in the prcoess. Plus, you have the extra stresses of adjusting to being a single mom, issues with your ex, and the health challenges of a preemie!!

Of course you need help, and of course it's very hard right now. You're not even remotely a failure!

DS1 juggles. He's pretty good...but it took him a long time to learn to keep all the balls in motion, without dropping any. Kids are more complicated than small spheres, yk?

[Storm Bride]

Oh - and with respect to the "wwyd"...I don't know. There are no blanket answers, because any course of action depends on too many variables. All you can do is your best, and, imo, your best is pretty damned good!

[pianojazzgirl]

Originally Posted by Learning_Mum

it's OK to need help! You are ONE person, trying to look after THREE people. There are going to be times you need help, because unfortunately you can't clone yourself!

You are NOT a failure. You are a SUCCESS! NO GUILT mama!!! You are learning the dance of having more than one. Let others help as much as they can. This is especially true in the early days. Acknowledge the guilty feelings and then let them go - they help no one and are not deserved.

[greenemami]

Phoenixmama, I was actually just thinking about you and wondering how you are. Congrats on your new litte boy!!!

I tried to put dd to bed by myself with two kids the first night we were home and it was SO hard! They were crying, I was crying, it was not fun But, almost 8 months later, I put them to bed by myself all the time, it is just a learning process. It will get better! I totally agree that we are not meant to parent alone, so PLEASE do not feel guilty about accepting help ,especially assuming that your dad wants to help.

Since you have the extra added difficulty of trying not to expose ds to dd's cold, I'm not sure I have much advice-is it too close to dd to sit next to her bed with ds maybe in a rocking chair so you can pat her or make phsical contact with her with one arm and nurse with ds in the other? This is what I used to do.

in anycase, I am sure you are doing an amazing job and have come through so much. We all have MANY moments where we just want to sit and cry, so don't feel bad about

[rightkindofme]

What would I do? I'd cry. A lot. And then I'd kind of muddle through probably not doing as well as you are doing. What you are going through right now is super hard. My new one is almost 10 weeks and I had a husband to help me at the beginning and I spent most of the first three weeks crying feeling like a complete failure. And I didn't have the complication of a preemie.

It will get better. I'm sorry it is so hard right now.

[pregnant@40]

Man, I don't know how ANYONE could handle this on their own. You have a medically fragile child just home from the NICU, in addition to another young child. AND you need sleep of your own in order to handle all this. Would you expect anyone else to be able to juggle this? Have compassion with yourself, woman! And thank goodness your father is there to help.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Thanks everyone so much for your replies. It was a really low moment that night. Things are sort of getting better? I'm trying anyway.

As far as nursing... ugh. DS is not picking it up. We have been trying for over a month, but he is still unable to suck well enough to get much, then gets frustrated, and eating for him is already frustrating as he still has trouble coordinating sucking, breathing and swallowing all togehter, and so he still has coughing/choking moments along with apnea. It's terribly hard.

So still just pumping and bottle feeding, which leaves me with no free hands while I'm feeding him. Even if he could nurse since his neck muscles are weeker than a newborns he has to be well supported and I'd likely still not have a free hand.

But it's going, as best as it can I guess. This too shall pass...

[Aaronridge]

My oldest two are 20 months apart and I remember very well what you are describing. When they would both cry at the same time and I was alone with them was THE HARDEST part of parenting. You are certainly not a failure and you will do the best you can and your kids will be fine. My oldest two are now 12 (almost 13) and 11 and they are both happy and well-adjusted They are also the best of friends.

Congratulations on the birth of your new baby