7 yo taking tons o'stuff everywhere

[Ellien C]

We have a problem. My 7 yo keeps wanting to take TONS of things everywhere. Huge, heavy things. Books - multiple books - big 5 subject notebooks, pens, pencils, scraps of papers, many clothes - multiple coats - jean jacket, overcoat with liner, scarf, hat, gloves. Extra shoes, toys, make-up, multiple purses. These things are all stuffed into her backpack EVERY DAY for school. Now she has a second back-page with a huge hard cover book and more folders and notebooks. We cannot find homework. There is a folder that should go back and forth to school daily. Half the time the little folder won't fit in her backpack. We've already lost a librabry book because it wouldn't fit in the backpack.

The school has a "taking" library and she took like 20 books! We have tons of books. We have tons of stuff. I'm overwhelmed with stuff.

The size of the backpack and what she tries to cram in it is a huge problem. This causes us to be late for school and it causes drama at pick-up because she wants me to carry it. She cannot get everything in from the car in one trip and then the homework is out in the car, or the lunch bag doesn't get brought in and then everything is OFF.

I'm considering taking away the huge backpack and giving her this little toddler one that will just hold a folder and maybe hat and gloves. I know she will throw a HUGE temper tantrum and BEG to keep her other backpack, promise to clean it out etc. But that hasn't worked so far. Advice? What should I do? DH just called me and he's very late to work because of the backpack issues.

(We are also starting therapy next week for "issues.")

[mattemma04]

I would make her carry her own bag if she wants to stuff it.She will tire of the weight.You can suggest she pick out a new(but smaller) backpack. Our kids school has them put things in a cubby.I doubt it is very large,and so they can only take so much to school.

Maybe the teacher can restrict the amount kids bring? Remind your dd that taking a lot of items means keeping track of them.There is more chance of things getting lost or stolen.

For the library I would contact the teacher/librarian and tell tem to restrict your dd to one checked out book at a time.If they do not do this then do not allow her to take out any books from the school library.20 is way to much to keep track of.

Wait for the therapy before making big changes.Don't want to make things worse for your dd.Make the changes they suggest and stick with it regardless of the tantrums.

Dd needs to pack her back the night before if it is going to take so long.Pack it and put it in the car the night before.

[ChetMC]

Limits

Our kids do this. We set limits... and the limits are set low.

With our oldest, the school bag solution has been that DH and I pack her backpack. We give it to her as she is going out the door.

Often we put things in a special place near the door for the child to get them as soon as they get home. I'm sure the mail carrier wonders why our mailbox is sometimes full of toy cars, small balls, marbles, hair accessories, etc.

I don't doubt that imposing limits at 7 could be difficult, especially if this has been going on for a long time. Our kids all started wanting to bring random collections with them around the time they were two. Culling has been part of our routine as we go out the door for years now so they expect it. At 7 though, she should be better able to negotiate and understand the reasoning behind the limits.

[Ellien C]

She does drag her own bag around - it just causes huge issues - meltdowns, temper tantrums etc.

The books are from a TAKING "library" (ie - they are out there free for anyone to take them and keep them). She is no longer allowed to check books out of the school library since we lost one - due to the fact that it wasn't in her backpack and she expected me to take it. I didn't due to the fact that I was carrying her baby brother. The book got left behind and was never found. At school the backpacks are hung up on hooks in a closet so everything pretty much fits. They aren't in cubbies.

[sapphire_chan]

Does she get any money of her own that could go towards getting a wheeled backpack?

(And my first reaction, was "she has an older dd, too?" then I realized she would be 7 now. )

[Ellien C]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

Does she get any money of her own that could go towards getting a wheeled backpack?

(And my first reaction, was "she has an older dd, too?" then I realized she would be 7 now. )

she has a wheeled bag that she brought to school for awhile but it broke. It was more of a suitcase. But the problem is the STUFF, not the weight of the stuff. It's just too much and I'm uncertain for how to limit this. At 7, I expect her to be able to pack her own bookbag but too much is going into it. Moving her to a smaller book bag may limit that and will for sure come with lots of drama and she will feel like it's punishment.

[ChetMC]

Originally Posted by Ellien C

At 7, I expect her to be able to pack her own bookbag but too much is going into it. Moving her to a smaller book bag may limit that and will for sure come with lots of drama and she will feel like it's punishment.

She obviously can't pack her own bag or you wouldn't be having this problem.

I think you might need to just suck up some of the drama that comes while you work on this issue. Would the drama really be worse than things being lost or damaged? Is the disorganization and chaos better?

When our kids want to take stuff places we talk them through how you choose what comes and what stays. DH and I go through the items and we talk about items that :

- you do not need where you are going.
- may get lost or broken if you don't leave them at home.
- have a proper (or special) place where it can go right now instead of your bag or pocket.

We don't have a car, and we have four kids between the ages of 1 and 6.5. Three of our kids would haul bags around EXACTLY like your DD's if we gave them the opportunity... and it would be miserable.

There have been times when we've told a kid that something just has to stay home. If you need to be with the item, you will have to stay home too. I only say this when I'm prepared to stay home if that's what the kid picks, but they always pick to go. If they picked to stay home though I know that I would rather stay home than take four kids and seventeen random objects into the subway.

[philomom]

Yep, set limits. She must be able to carry everything in her backpack and by herself. End of story.

[pianojazzgirl]

My suggestion is to put limits on what goes in the backpack (we have to do this with our dd), BUT, since she'll be starting therapy very soon I'd wait until then to work out a plan/approach with her therapist.

FWIW I think even kids who carry a "normal" amount of school stuff around should probably have a backpack with wheels. I find it really astounding how heavy my dd's backpack is with the bare minimum of school books. She never asks me to carry it for her but I do because I think it's too much weight for a 45 lb girl to have to haul around. So maybe a combination of instituting some serious limits on what your dd brings AND buying a wheeled backpack would be the way to go.

[Ellien C]

Originally Posted by pianojazzgirl

FWIW I think even kids who carry a "normal" amount of school stuff around should probably have a backpack with wheels.

The only thing that NEEDS to go back and forth is a single folder and ONE library book once a week. Everything else stays in school and doesn't come home. So really, NONE of it is school stuff.

[cyncyn]

Luckily dd's teacher sent home a note at the beginning of the year requesting NO backpacks due to storage issues (they have cubbies) or we'd be dealing with this too. Plus this year we take the bus and the train so she needs to be able to carry her own things as I have my own heavy bag. I have had to set limits, again, quite low. For example only things that have a carry case or will fit in her pocket or lunch box pocket. I put any important things that need to be returned to school in my bag and return them myself. DD can take that over probably next year (8yo).

No real tips other than just using whatever techniques her therapist recommends to pare it down. It might be a security issue, maybe a single special item can be substituted for the extra stuff. Is she anxious about needing something at school, like different clothes if the weather changes?

[GuildJenn]

It sounds like a form of anxiety to me.

I think I would create a "backpack checklist." I would take everything she wants to carry each day and create categories. Based on what you've listed the categories would be:

Essentials
- homework folder
- library book

Work/school/art supplies

Clothes

Toys

Bags/Makeup

Then I would ask her to limit herself to (other than the essentials) one from each category. Maybe she could rotate them throughout the week. Make it really visual.

And then have a shelf for everything she'd like to bring but can't be selected this time, so she can see them and select from them.

The second set of shoes I'm not sure about; I guess that would go under clothes.

[Ellien C]

Thank you to the PP. That's really helpful. Yes, I do feel like it's an anxiety issue. When I say temper tantrum - I mean begging, pleading, I will DIE if I don't bring it kind of meltdowns. We've been having success with checklists in other areas as it removes me from the situation and I can just tell her to check the list.

It also gives her some control over what she brings. She had like 3 spiral notebooks in there - big ones and I told her to pick one. We will use a small pencil case for art supplies and the limit the jacket to one.

She can't wear socks - they bother her feet - but she does need to have gym shoes - so that's where that comes from. Sometimes boots as well and then a change of shoes.

[One_Girl]

Is it possible that she has learned from friends that begging and pleading have a lot of power. I noticed my dd being a lot more dramatic with the begging and the faces this year after talking to the boy we babysat about how he gets stuff from his parents with his begging and puppy dog face. I have found that telling her that the begging and faces irritate me and when I am irritated I feel like taking something away or ignoring her and doing my own thing NOT letting her do/have what she is begging to do/have. We have a long history of short attempted begging phases that have worked until I catch on to what is going on so she knows that once I catch on the game is over. It may not work that well if this is your first time dealing with this. At this age, and especially if she is normally great at communicating, I think you can treat the tantrum much differently than you would a two year old throwing a fit.

[Sweetest Confection]

First thing I would do, is just continue roughing it out as you've been until you start therapy with her and have a chance to discuss this problem and find out if there are any psychological/physiological problems behind it.


Otherwise, have you tried asking her why she needs so much stuff?

Or what about letting her take responsibility for her choices?
Have her pack her bag before she goes to bed, and let her take it as it is in the morning. If her lunch can't fit in, then she has to carry it seperately; if she forgets her homework, school folder or school books, then she's got to answer to her teachers.

If she didn't like not having something important when she needed it, then you could offer your help, with the requirement that she takes your suggestions seriously.

[Ellien C]

Originally Posted by Sweetest Confection

Or what about letting her take responsibility for her choices?
Have her pack her bag before she goes to bed, and let her take it as it is in the morning. If her lunch can't fit in, then she has to carry it seperately; if she forgets her homework, school folder or school books, then she's got to answer to her teachers.

This is pretty much what we've been doing but it is having too much affect on the rest of the family. She made DH late for work (which he then blamed on me) by taking too much time to get her backpack together. I have a baby and a breastpump to bring in after school and she needs to take multiple trips to get everything out of the car. Twice she left my car door open until bed time because she didn't go back out to get her stuff. Once she left her backpack on the curb. The weight of the back pack and multiple trips and the time it takes to put anything in it or get it our are big problems and affecting the rest of the family.

Plus when (as inevitably happens) things are forgotten there are more tantrums and more blaming - occasionally requiring a trip BACK to said place to retrieve whatever was left because it's something we all care about. She takes this stuff everywhere. Really it's a problem and I think there is some underlying anxiety. When I say begging and pleading and tantruming - really I think it's beyond what normal people experience. It is DESPERATION.

She doesn't really care about completing her homework or the loss of library privileges from the lost book.

The day she was late she carried: lunch bag, backpack (stuffed to the brim), SECOND "backpack" (one of those tiny freebies you get with the string straps), purse, one coat on and one coat in her arms. Every single container was packed. The coat had a scarf and hat stuffed in the sleeves.

Can you imagine how much time it takes to load all of these things on to her? Get them in and out of the car? Get her in and out of the house (without the cats getting out?) Walk up and downstairs? Open doors? The stops for things dropping? Yes, she is carrying ALL of them but the whole family is feeling the affect of this. Am I painting a picture here? Natural consequences and her taking responsibility for this stuff is not working at all.

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by Ellien C

Thank you to the PP. That's really helpful. Yes, I do feel like it's an anxiety issue. When I say temper tantrum - I mean begging, pleading, I will DIE if I don't bring it kind of meltdowns. We've been having success with checklists in other areas as it removes me from the situation and I can just tell her to check the list.

Anxiety makes sense... She's probably afraid she'll show up at school and not have something she needs so she tries to bring everything. If she isn't sure what day gym day is, she'll want extra shoes just in case. A smaller bag or "being tough" and enforcing strict limits might be counter productive and make her feel more anxious. A checklist, maybe broken into days (so gym shoes are listed on gym days), could really help. Also some weather guidelines. When the weather prediction is Xº or lower, bring pink jacket. I remember when my niece moved to PA from San Francisco, she really felt that you only needed a coat when there was snow. She was 6 and unaccustomed to weather that varied much. It took her a while to concede that a coat might be warranted if no snow was present. It's hard for kids because they don't know what the weather is going to be and they aren't very experienced with what a certain temperature is going to feel like. Packing her bag on her own might be too big of a responsibility if she doesn't feel she knows what she is going to need.

[mamazee]

It sounds like anxiety to me too, and I think that you're on the right track with therapy. I like the idea of having a list of categories and telling her she can pack one thing in the backpack from each category. I don't think you'll really have a solution until she's been in therapy for a while, though, and the soultion will probably come through therapy, so it might be a "muddle through as best we can" thing for a while.

[beanma]

I'd suggest that you ask her to be with you/help you while you organize something of yours. Go through your closet or dresser and pick some things to donate or go through your desk and organize your pens, tape, etc. Even if you're a neatnik (and I say that in a good way) I bet you have something somewhere that you could organize. Once you, with her help, or at least her watching, organize something of yours, then suggest to her that together you organize her backpack.

I would let her know that you're worried about it being too heavy and hard to find things. I use "let's make it look pretty" with my girls when we organize their dressers, etc. You might watch a TV show about organization if you do TV. My dd1, in particular, responds much better to ideas that come from elsewhere like TV or magazines or books, rather than just from me. Lately she's been really into American Girl advice books. (She's not into the dolls at all, thank goodne$$). Hey, look at that, there's an American Girl book just on that topic. It even says, "This guide shows girls how to get organized and cut clutter from their backpacks..." Might be worth looking into. I think I should get it for MY dds!

Anyway, I would approach it from a "let's make your backpack organized and pretty" standpoint rather than a "you can't take all this stuff" standpoint. Just putting a positive spin on it and taking a "working with" attitude can go a long way.

Best of luck!

[Ellien C]

Originally Posted by beanma

Anyway, I would approach it from a "let's make your backpack organized and pretty" standpoint rather than a "you can't take all this stuff" standpoint. Just putting a positive spin on it and taking a "working with" attitude can go a long way.

Best of luck!

This sounds really helpful. Thank you. We have some of our own organizational challenges in the house. I think her father has a hoarding/OCD issue and while I don't fear throwing things out or getting rid of them, the house is in such a state that I'm currently overwhelmed and don't know where to start.

For some reason I'm not holding out much hope on the therapy. It's not covered by insurance and will be $125/session so I don't think this is the sort of thing we can do for months. Plus, it's play therapy (for her) and I really think we need family therapy that's covered through our insurance.

We had a horrible, horrible evening yesterday at a girl scout party-sing-along which started up with her throwing an enormous huge top-of-the-lungs fit because she couldn't have another "snowman-marshmallow" kit and me pretty much dragging her out of the gym and then her screaming that I didn't bring a camera to take pictures of her - it was very, very bad. While she was screaming and I emptied EVERYTHING from her backpack except her folder and put it where she can't find it. Really not my best moments, but that's another post.

She does like American Girl dolls and she watches hoarders with me. Just watching the show makes DH anxious.