How long before you introduce a new guy?

[akichan]

I was just wondering how long you wait before you introduce a new guy, date, partner, etc. to the kids? Or invite him to family stuff with you and the kids? And if you have something in your divorce decree or parenting agreement about that, does it work?

[lilyka]

Nothing in the divorce decree. It would be hard to enforce. xh is dating the girl he was cheating on me with...would he get to count the 6 or 7 years they were together while we were still married. In that case I guess he waited six or seven years before introducing them. the reality was the ink on the divorce papers was barely dry. i would say a couple of weeks. I plan on being pretty good friends with someone before we move into a dating relationship and I only will date guys with the same religion as me so chances are almost 100% my girls will meet the guy before we are dating. I promised them I would tell them right away if I started dating anyone (they are old enough to get it. The youngest is almost 8)

[StephandOwen]

IMO? A loooong time After I left ex I didn't date for 3 years. I was introduced to dp when ds was 2 (sorta- a mutual friend exchanged our phone numbers but we lived in different states so we didn't actually meet at that time). DP and I talked on the phone and online for over a year before we actually met in person. At that time I knew him really well and was comfortable introducing ds to him as a friend. Things took off quickly from there and the rest is history

[la mamita]

I would never agree to put something like that in a divorce decree, even if I was a little skeptical about my ex's choices in partner or hurriedness to introduce children to a new partner...that just sounds way too interfering to both of our lives. What if you accidentally met a partner through some child function, like a PTA meeting or something?

When I was casually dating, I didn't talk to my son about it, just mentioned going out to meet friends. He was 4 at the time, so that was understandable. I didn't see anyone more than once or twice...nothing ever got serious.

With my current partner, things became serious really quickly and I had no doubts about his ability to integrate into our family, so it was probably 2 weeks after we started dating that we did "family" events. My son was 4 turning 5 and he's been used to having lots of different adults in his life (grantparents, friends who have babysat, day care provider, other relatives), so adding someone new who loved on him was just a bonus. He's young enough that he's easily adapted to having a new family setup and a new parental caregiver around.

[Mackenzie]

My spouse was my friend first and we hung out with the kids and stuff... so I really just had to tell them that the relationship had changed. I told them right away, my older two would have known anyhow

[akichan]

Thanks! That gave me a bit to think about. In the thread, "WHat do you wish you had put into your divorce agreement" several ppl mentioned having a set time frame before introducing a new significant other.

I spoke with a guy who has his 8-yr old daughter help him weed out potentials, but I don't feel comfortable introducing my 4, 3, and 1 yr olds to ppl who may not be around a long time. Sooooo, we'll see, I guess.

[DTmama1]

My boyfriend and I have been dating since May somewhat, but he put things on hold to deal with some family stuff over the summer, so it has been since Labor Day that we've been official again. Since we're both single parents and he lives two hours away, we haven't actually had a date since May. He comes down every weekend or every other weekend with his daughter and we do family stuff together. We didn't say anything, but slowly started hiding things less (holding hands and being snuggly, etc while around the kids). Last weekend our daughters (10, 10, and 11) were being giggly and spying, they told me that "We know the secret", and when asked what that was, said that they knew {his daughter] was going to be their new sister! lol. Definitely haven't gotten that far in our relationship, so I explained that he and I do like each other, but that doesn't mean she is going to be their new sister, he is going to be their new dad, etc. They were pretty happy about it though actually. My 5yo is with her dad part of the time, but as I'm adopting the other kids on my own, so they don't have an official father figure in their lives. I don't really intend for him to be that (He's a fantastic guy, but isn't looking to have quite such a large family as I want), but is a positive influence, and wherever our relationship goes I think it will be okay.

[Imogen]

It's not something that I have had to address as of yet.  But it is something that I have thought about.  I think that if I was to meet someone new, I wouldn't allow them to meet my son until 6-12 months into the relationship and even then, I'm really not sure.  I'm not sure if I would want to introduce my son to anyone that I was involved with, now that I think about it..  But there's a multitude of reasons for that.  

1.  My son has a fantastic relationship with his Dad and I wouldn't want to provoke any insecurities for either my son or his Dad.

2.  I have absolutely no interest in the kind of relationship that would eventually or potentially involve that person becoming serious with me and wanting us to live together. I never want to live with a man again.  EVER.

It all leaves me feeling a little bit like this to be honest.  

I suppose really it depends upon the dynamics of that new relationship for many people.  For myself, if it's a new relationship I would be interested in it only being casual.  Someone to share good food, good films and good conversation with.  I can't imagine wanting anything more than that and if it's that casual, there's no reason for that person to meet my son. But of course I understand the dilemma if it's a serious relationship developing.

Oh dear, I am rambling.

[justmama]

This isn't an issue for me yet as I'm not even CLOSE to dating but I wouldn't consider introducing anyone to my kids until a minimum of 6 months had passed and I was serious about the person.  I would have to be really really convinced that this person had incredible potential for a long-term relationship before introducing him to my kids and before that I would mention it to my ex and let him know to expect the comments.  He is a very involved wonderful dad and he deserves a heads up because I don't want anyone replacing him.  My kids have a dad, this new person in my life would not be their dad or even serve a fatherly role. 

[Oh the Irony]

There's a couple different schools on this.

If you are a social person and regularly do things with friends then I think it is easier to do a casual introduction and do something fun together right away. It's just another person you are hanging out with. Social people aren't worried so much about a swinging door type thing because their kids are already exposed to lots of people--some once some multiple times.

If you are not social and you introduce early then you get a good idea of interactions between them and he sees your real life. That's not really ideal imo though. People can take awhile to disclose who they really are--or we can take awhile to figure it out.

The first six months or so tend to be all lovey dovey hormones, etc. so many people like to get through that period and see if there is really a relationship there. Which in theory sounds great, but then you've put a lot of time into it without the other person seeing your real everyday life. They haven't seen you interact with your kids, discipline them or not discipline them. He could be great but he could be awful. The kids could not like him and you could be in love with him.

I'm not dating now and don't really aspire to re-marry so a guy's relationship with my kids isn't really primary now. It would be more about my needs. I would probably go with a middle ground. A very brief casual introduction at about 4 months and then build it very, very slowly from there if it felt like something I wanted. Slowly in terms of length of time spent together and the actual activity. And I would be okay with long term dating with limited kid interaction but I have the luxury of having regular kid free time.

So yeah, no scenario will suit everyone. Think about what is important to you and what is best for the kids.

Mom's House, Dad's House has some good ideas for how to actually do it. If I remember right, perhaps running into each other out so that the first meet is just an introduction. Then maybe a short 30 minute deal. No physical contact at first, etc. Worth reading.

[MsChatsAlot]

There are so many factors involved...the age of the kids, how often you have them with you, how you feel about the person, how social you are...etc.etc.

I really think it is something you just know is the right time and you act upon it.  Setting hard and fast rules is usually the quickest way to find a reason the rules don't work.

I really think it is best to move forward, trust your intuition, know your kids and have your 'new person' on board...and then go with what feels right for you and your family.

[darcytrue]

I have been seeing a guy for a little over a month now and my kids know about him and OF him and have seen pictures, his Facebook page, and hear me on the phone with him. But I plan to wait many more months before introducing him in to their lives. This is because I want to make sure that we are serious and have a connection at that point. Right now we are just in the friend stage but we both pretty much know it's a serious thing. Just not ready to include the kids yet.

[Eeyore35]

I don't think I'd want it in a parenting agreement, as how long the wait should be depends on many factors.

Now, I haven't dated since I found out I was pregnant. And I'm still not ready to date.

One big concern for me is the guy's motive for wanting to date me. Sexual abuse is a big concern.

I also don't go anywhere you'd normally meet men. so, if i did meet someone, there is a good chance I'd hav my daughter with me. I am friends with a single father. I don't

 want more, (and neither does he) but if that did change, well, my kid already knows him...

Before I had my daughter, I did date 2 single fathers. Both claimed they were in love with me within a couple dates, and both introduced me to their kids within the first week. too soon, and it scared me off. (well, that and the whole claiming to be in love with me.) 

I also think,generally speaking, it's good to wait at least a year before dating anyone after leaving a long term relationship. I'm 5 years out, and still not ready to date. (altho, in my case, it wasn't an exclusive relationshio. more casual, and it was sexually and emotionally abusive. And, not my daughter's father, thankfully)

[babygirlie]

3 years of one single partner. kids don't need to know who you are dating.

[Ceinwen]

It was different for me in that I started dating my youngest daughters child care provider (she was 16 months old at the time) and my older daughter was 7.

So, both kids already knew her. There was no point in pretending that we weren't going out and doing stuff. Initially, we did low key stuff like going to the beach, park, etc.

It was pretty funny when I finally had to explain to my 7 year old that we were dating, and not just hanging out as friends (after about 3 months).

[MissLotus]

I've definitely thought about this a bit, because in the past year or two, I've seen a few moms in my town get divorced and immediately begin dating.  Now that's all well and good; what wasn't good is that they had their boyfriends over right away when you could practically still see the kids' dad's car driving away into the sunset after he moved out.  That's way too much for a child to process all at one.  Dad's leaving - and who's this guy?  I really felt those women should have been better off taking time for themselves post-divorce, know that they're okay/complete being alone for at least a little while, and most of all, to spend the extra time with their kids... who need it especially after a divorce.

I've only gotten "serious" enough about one person for my child to meet, and that was a few months into the relationship; I also did not introduce him as a boyfriend and we didn't very kissy-kissy around my son.  I do want my son to see a happy, affectionate relationship modeled, but am glad I kept it pretty much on the down low because it did not last.  Also, he did like the boyfriend and may have gotten more attached if the boyfriend hadn't been long-distance (so it took my son a while to realize the boyfriend wasn't around anymore, as he hadn't been around much to begin with).  That was my biggest concern - him getting attached to someone who may not be in it for the long haul.  I would tread very cautiously with who you introduce your kids to.

[doubledutch]

Originally Posted by babygirlie 

3 years of one single partner. kids don't need to know who you are dating.

i'm not sure i understand - are you saying kids shouldn't meet someone until you've dated them for three years?

[GoBecGo]

dd was 8weeks when i split from her father and 6 or 7 months when i began dating DP (who i had known for nearly 6 years as a friend -he was actually DD's godfather!).  i waited until we'd been dating a year before letting them meet/hang out, mainly because i wanted dd to be sure who her dada was and have a real firm relationship with him, and because i would have hoped xp to be as responsible about introducing new partners.  If i hadn't gotten together with DP, who i had known for so long already, i'm not sure i would have gotten involved with anyone.  I survived sexual abuse, trusting a new partner wasn't after access to my girls would be very hard.