My first baby was still born, Michael Francis Latterell- Aug. 12, 2010 - Page 2
I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Michael. I also lost my first child, Kai Jackson, in June of this year on his due date at 40 weeks. It is the most awful thing I can imagine going through. Its like walking through a burning forest, you just have to keep walking. There are some good resources here. You may want to check out www.glowinthewoods.com - it is kind of a compilation website for lots of resources for "baby lost" parents and some good writing. I have found some comfort there. Wishing you growing moments of peace.
I am so sorry for your loss. It's comforting to know my husband and I are not alone.
We had the most uneventful, rather boring pregnancy -- no morning sickness, no weird cravings. I developed gestational diabetes but it was incredibly controlled ... I changed my diet and started walking a lot ... I worked my way up to an hour a day.
My water broke early on Tuesday morning (November 16, 2010) ... I was at 39 weeks. We went to the hospital (but not before swinging by Wendy's for a lunch ... yum! I know now for the future not to eat a burger before going to the hospital!) They admitted me immediately at 2:30pm since my water had broken and I was leaking throughout! I was bed bound which means everything we learned in our prenatal class about controlling labour pains went out the window! I didn't even realize that I wouldn't be able to go pee on my own ... who knew?! Can you tell this is our first pregnancy?! They started me on fluids which was my yummy diet for the next while and oxytocin to start the contractions. They strapped on a fetal heart monitor (Alexander's heartbeat was incredibly strong! They also strapped a monitor for my heartbeat.) I was finally fully dilated and effaced at about 4:00am on the 17th of November 2010. I delivered our beautiful boy, Alexander Joseph William at 4:47am (yup ... only 47 minutes of actual pushing!) Unfortunately, once the cord was cut, our precious baby didn't even attempt to breathe on his own. The OB let me feel my baby on my chest for a split second ... my husband was at least able to witness the miracle of birth. They rushed him out of my room and all we heard was "Code Pink" ... a colour I now dislike greatly. My husband whispered to me, "He's beautiful". And he really was. The wonderful NICU team worked on our baby for well over an hour (legally, they only have to work on the baby for 10 minutes). There was even a small glimmer of hope at one point ... there was talk of transferring our son to the Hospital for Sick Children. But at about 5:50am, the head pediatrician along with my OB and this wonderful nurse, sat down in our room and gave us the grim news. Our little angel didn't survive the ordeal :(.
He was wheeled into our room afterwards ... he looked like he was just sleeping ... . So precious, so innocent, so pure. We were able to spend a good 9 hours with him before Sick Kids came to get him ... we agreed to an autopsy in hopes of learning something from his sad death. It's going to take about 4 months according to the Coroner who called me today (apparently, the Pathologist working on our son was the Chief of Pathology in Ontario before specializing in children and taking up post at the Hospital for Sick Children ... so he's good, just slow in getting reports out).
It's been 8 days since we lost our son ... it's been really emotionally draining. We're laying our son to rest on Saturday ... he'll be in the same cemetery as my dad (so dad watch out ... looks like Alex is going to be handful!)
My husband and I know we definitely want to try for another child ... sooner rather than later, but now I'm a bit scared. What if there was something wrong with my placenta (there's a hospital here in Toronto that has a team that deals stictly with placenta issues in pregnancy ... wouldn't have known that had it not been for a friend who referred me to her friend who went through something similar, just a tad bit earlier in her pregnancy)? What if there's something wrong with me? These are questions that go through my mind all the time now. But at the same time, I was able to carry our son to term ... I wish things were different * sigh * ...
Well, we had Alexander's funeral last Saturday. The day started with a light dusting of snow which makes me think Alex wanted to see some snow before going to his new home. A friend of mine said that Alex was as mischievous as her own son (whom she lost almost 2 years ago). The day was truly tough for both my husband and me. We were supposed to be at the funeral home for 11:00am but my husband seemed to be prolonging our departure from home till the very last minute. I think it's because going there would make it all seem way too real for him. We managed to get there in no time at all (thank goodness it's close to home) and we were given a few minutes to be alone with our son. Again, he looked so peaceful, like he was sleeping. We put a frog in his casket ... the one his aunt gave him when Alex was about 3 months in utero. My husband pressed the frog's belly and it started singing the alphabet song ... that's when my husband broke down. We played that frog on my belly throughout the 9 months ... I'm sure that's what would have been the first words out of Alex!! A lot of people came to Alex's viewing and service (which was a short prayer service and a couple of people -- husband and a dear friend -- said a few words about our son. It was comforting to see so many people who loved Alex (and us) ...
Alexander's final resting place is the same cemetery where my dad is ... so I know dad is watching over Alex now. Alexander is resting among other infants and children, so I know he has a lot of playmates ... at least he won't be bored! We released 9 white and blue balloons (among family members). Out of the 9 balloons, 1 white and 1 blue balloon escaped the trees and didn't pop. I like to think the blue balloon is the one my husband released and somehow my white balloon managed to get through to ... so I think those two balloons raised Alex to his final home -- heaven.
It still really hurts when I think of that day ... but each day that passes has been getting a tad bit easier. I've finally gotten the courage to go to my local grocery store where a few of the cashiers knew we were expecting ... I've just avoided going to their queue. There's a restaurant that mom and I go to every Wednesday and for about two weeks, I avoided the place ... till my sister went in and told them what happened. I guess I don't want to have to explain what happened. I don't feel ready to do so yet ... I know I will when the time comes that I can talk about Alexander and not tear up. We weren't going to put up the Christmas tree this year (that's what I decided when we were told Alex hadn't made it). But after seeing the tree lit up at Toronto's City Hall and the fireworks display (which I like to think was Alex's grand entrance into heaven), we decided to put the tree up. Got a friend and my sisters to decorate the tree last night (they work for food!) I know Alex is looking down and admiring the tree he would have seen up close. I have to keep my baby son alive in my heart ... miss him so much still.
Leannelatterell ... my heart goes out to you. I was hoping and praying to hear Alexander's noisy entrance too. That's what we were expecting anyway. We buried our baby the last Saturday of November. You and I are similar ... this Christmas is going to be especially tough for us ... I'll include your Michael in my prayers.
i am so so sorry for your loss. i understand your pain. i lost my little boy on oct 12. losing a child is something that is completely against the natural order of things. and it's a pain that is so unbearable. and i'm sorry that you have to feel this pain as well. pls know that i'm here for you if you ever need someone to talk to. ((hugs))