DH is in denial. Could I be wrong?(Kid with PDD)

[davidsmom184]

It all started when my son, David, who is almost three(2.5 and change) didn't really talk, and tuned people out, while playing with toy vehicles. He didn't even(and still doesn't) pay attention, when I read him stories . I sometimes feel that I could be dead tomorrow and he wouldn't care .

Then, he gets violent sometimes. For example, he and a cousin, who's 3.5 years old were sitting together, when she decided to add to his lego structure. This upset him and cause him to hit her. Another time, while at the zoo with granpa, he found a toy plane, but then an older kid claimed it was his. My FIL took the plane from David, who had a tantrum.

Just recently, after noticing David line up several cars, I, to make a point to my DH, took one from the line up, and David started tantruming and even hit me.
DH grabbed him by the wrist saying, "No! Don't you ever hit Mommy! You're going to the corner!"
DS would not stay in the corner.

Despite this, DH hates the idea of my trying to enroll DS in a special needs preschool at our local school district. I already have DS in private speech therapy and OT(thank God for insurance).

What can I do to convince him? He says that the Dev Ped based his diagnosis on 'Vague evidence' and that he himself was a late talker. Then, he challenges the idea of there being such a thing as 'strange play', saying 'who's to say what's strange play'

What can I do SN moms? Did I do the right thing?

[SilverLace]

I will share some things about my story that might be similar to yours.

I met my DH when my DSS was 6. According to my DH he was a little hard to parent, but mostly fun, maybe having a hard time with the divorce. My DH talked about his son in a very loving, caring way which also appealed to me (as a single mom who left a not caring dad to DD).

The day I met my DSS I knew he was Autistic, and I wondered about ADHD. Let me be clear, I knew within about 5 minutes. It was two years before he was diagnosed, and about two more years until my DH could really integrate his son's diagnoses.

My advice to you would be to get a really good/thorough evaluation- the school may make you anyway. And then, work on what you need to for your son and give your DH some time. You are probably right about your son, but he needs time to accept it.

My DSS's therapist (for what it's worth) says that for men, when it is their first/only son there are a lot of emotions (including denial) that go along with having a SN child.

Hope that helps- and good luck with your son.

[Lollybrat]

Hugs. You are in a really tough situation. I was there too; my DH was in denial about our son's autism and other issues for a long time.

My husband did not agree with my about Early Intervention, private speech and OT, special needs preschool, or getting the eval by the Developmental Ped. He even disagreed with getting DS glasses at the age of 2! I did all these things anyway. We argued about it a lot. Each time I told him: this is what I had scheduled and he was welcome to come to the appointment or not. If he didn't come (usually he didn't) I told him everything that happened afterwards and made sure he read copies of the written reports. Then we would argue some more. I gave DH copies of articles to read and we argued about those. But I was persistant about getting DS the services and evals that I knew he needed. I prayed to God to open DH's eyes to our son's issues and I prayed for patience in the meantime.

About a year after DS got his formal diagnosis of autism, DH thanked me. He told me that DS was making great progress and it was becuase of everything I had fought for. Since then DH has been totally on board with services and therapies. He attends IEP meetings and doctor appointments as much as he can. We discuss different options and make diecisions together.

So my advice is: do what you feel you need to do for your child. Be open with your DH about it, but be firm that this is what you plan to do. Keep the lines of communication open. Hopefully, in time he will come to understand and appreciate your concerns.

[Linda on the move]

My dd is 14 years old and my DH is STILL the king of denial.

My advice is similar to what's been said. Do what you need to do for your child. Just do it. Be the best mom you can to the child you've been given to raise.

I've actually gotten a little attached to my DH's denial over the years. He has moments when it hits him and he can't deny any longer, and it's heartbreaking to me. In those moments, it hits me that things really are THAT bad. He's denial helps me hold on to hope. When he stops denying, I feel much less hopeful.

BUT none of that stops me from getting my child what she needs to be successful -- therapies, accommodations, special school, etc.

As far as the sn preschool, play up the idea to you DH as it being temporary, just something to help him with the "little issues/delays" he's having at the moment. So go for the school you think is best for you son, but make it sound like a really small decision to your DH.

Also, since you are pretty new to this path, I'll recommend my favorite book. Quirky Kids by Klass.

[davidsmom184]

Thanks for your responses and for sharing your experiences:

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by Lollybrat

So my advice is: do what you feel you need to do for your child. Be open with your DH about it, but be firm that this is what you plan to do. Keep the lines of communication open. Hopefully, in time he will come to understand and appreciate your concerns.

Do what needs to be done.

What was the developmental ped appointment like? They are normally a few hours long and should result in a detailed report.

What is your dh's objections to the preschool?
-- That your son would be labled? Labels help you get services. The best lables get your child help instead of ISS, suspension, and the "problem child" label.
-- That your son won't be "challenged"? It's preschool. Everything necessary for a typical child to know for K you can teach yourself; this is just a bonus.

Services cost the school money and they will likely want to evaluate whether or not your child actually needs them, so they will do an evaluation and your dh will have another opinion.


Amazon.com: Not My Boy!: A Father, A Son, and One Family's Journey ...

[RiverTam]

Here's how I got my husband on-board with an evaluation. I told him that I was worried and that the school had some concerns, and it was probably nothing, but I was worried and I really needed to know that it was nothing so I could stop worrying about it. He was willing to go along to help me stop worrying, even though he didn't agree that anything specific was wrong.

When the assessment came back with some issues, we then could talk about it with some objective findings in front of us. (DS has a language delay that was measurable using a WISC and various speech tests.)Those objective measurements really helped DH see that something was going on. He was willing to talk about therapy to target the specific problems, in ways that he wasn't willing to talk about the sort of general problem.

(And I never, EVER said "I told you so.")

[davidsmom184]

Do what needs to be done.

What was the developmental ped appointment like? They are normally a few hours long and should result in a detailed report.

What is your dh's objections to the preschool?
-- That your son would be labled? Labels help you get services. The best lables get your child help instead of ISS, suspension, and the "problem child" label.
-- That your son won't be "challenged"? It's preschool. Everything necessary for a typical child to know for K you can teach yourself; this is just a bonus.

DH thinks I am overreacting: :, and that DS just needs time to start talking. Saying the preschool is a good idea would mean, for him, getting out of denial mode.

The Dev Ped noticed a lot of the same things I had such as the lack of response, kid being in his own world, and other things.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by davidsmom184

DH thinks I am overreacting: :, and that DS just needs time to start talking. Saying the preschool is a good idea would mean, for him, getting out of denial mode.

Does it really matter if he says it's a good idea or not? Do you need his happiness over this?

Is this about him stopping you from doing what you think is best or him not being happy about you doing what you think is best? Those are two VERY different things.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by davidsmom184

DH thinks I am overreacting: :, and that DS just needs time to start talking. Saying the preschool is a good idea would mean, for him, getting out of denial mode.

The Dev Ped noticed a lot of the same things I had such as the lack of response, kid being in his own world, and other things.

So you're overreacting , how is preschool going to harm him? The horrror, the horror of individualized attention by specialists . And if he is nearly 3 you need to get an EI evaluation ASAP before he ages out of that service.

I would stop trying to convince him and just quietly do what you think needs to be done, unless medication or a medical procedure is recommended--then I'd take another shot at convincing him.

It's a bit like outsiders saying, "your child can't have X because my child did Z and he didn't have X"; some children hit with little provocation, some children have frequent tantrums, some are late talkers, but it is the degree and combination that has both you and the doctors concerned. Don't ignore your instincts because your ds will pay the price while all your dh will have to offer is "I should have listened to you." I'd pick up that Peete book in a book store or library and see if it might be of any benefit.

The "late talker"—when silence isn't golden
http://drgreene.mediwire.com/main/Default.aspx?P=Content&ArticleID=132720

Erring on the side of caution--The notion that all late talkers are "little Einsteins" is a myth; not all these children have a positive outcome with a wait-and-see approach. Reviewing the "Predictors of continued language delay" should help guide you in deciding whom to refer for further evaluation. If you are unsure whether a child is presenting with just a delay, don't gamble! Refer the family to a developmental specialist for an expert's opinion. 75w

[davidsmom184]

His objections aren't stopping me, but it would be nice if DH did come on board and come to reality, if only for DS's sake.

I told him that I was taking our son to therapy with or without him.

[amandanmv]

My DH was in denial for a long time. My SIL is an OT and works with autistic kids and everytime I'd bring something up and say that I'd talked to her about it, he'd always respond with "Oh, gotta go with what she says..she's not always right about everything" But after 2 years I pursued a diagnosis from a psychologist and didn't care whether DH didn't want it or not. Glad I did. He was diagnosed with Aspergers and ADHD and some oppositional symptoms. DH is finally not in denial anymore now that an outside professional source has said the same thing my SIL said.

I say go with an evaluation. I switched pediatricians because mine kept telling me nothing was wrong with DS but I knew in my gut that he had some issues that needed addressing.

[davidsmom184]

question: will school make a big stink if DH doesn't show up to IEP meeting, or when I enroll DS?

[AnalogWife]

No, my DH was in denial for about 5 minutes (ok, maybe 5 weeks total) and he has never attended an IEP meeting or was there during an EI session, his name is still included (and first) on the letters from Child Development Services.

Just tonight we were talking about how much DS is thriving in preschool (3.5yo) and he thanked me for not listening when he told one of the CDS workers that his child "was not Autistic!!!!" Lots of luck, your DS will only benefit from your intervention.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by davidsmom184

question: will school make a big stink if DH doesn't show up to IEP meeting, or when I enroll DS?

There are a lot of reasons only one parent would be there. Dealing with special education isn't like dealing with CPS where you have to explain and justify things.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by davidsmom184

question: will school make a big stink if DH doesn't show up to IEP meeting, or when I enroll DS?

no. It's quite common for one parent to take care of these things while the other parent is at work.

(And even though my DH functions mostly in denial, he's had moments of clarity when he's thanked me for making sure that DD always gets what she needs. Deep down, he knows I'm doing the right things)

[davidsmom184]

Dh thinks that the tantrums are from having 'the terrible twos'

So, I have to let him come to terms on his own time?

[marge234]

Originally Posted by davidsmom184

Dh thinks that the tantrums are from having 'the terrible twos'

So, I have to let him come to terms on his own time?

It's hard to deal with learning all this stuff, figuring out how to advocate for your kid, and to have DH being difficult on top of it....I'm sorry. Being the parent who "gets it" can make you feel like you're disloyal to your child, like your somehow rooting for SNs. Don't ever doubt you're doing the right thing by pushing for intervention and services.

Many therapists/specialists have had experiences helping moms (and it's usually moms) dealing with un-supportive spouses, grandparents, or other people important in the family. Tell the therapists what your DH is saying, they'll give you some words. Try to get DH to attend an assessment.

I hope he comes around, and becomes the partner you and your son need. Only you can decide whether/how hard to push him. Until he gets on board, there are really good people here to support you.

[shelbean91]

Originally Posted by davidsmom184

question: will school make a big stink if DH doesn't show up to IEP meeting, or when I enroll DS?

My ds1 is now 8, and I've been having IEP meetings for him since 2 years, 9 mos old. Ds1 is now 6 and I've been hhaving IEP meetings for him since he was 2 years 9 mos old......DH hasn't attended ONE meeting. And, with both boys, I haven't had the nice 'once a year, touch base' meetings...with each of them, the majority of the time it's 2-3 meeting a year, each a couple hours or more.


The school won't even bat an eye.