Right now though I am so burnt out from nursing. It's not just nursing I'll admit. I am also dealing with some PPD and also situational hell in my life. But after all the nursing I've done I am just craving a break and I feel so horribly guilty about it I can't even describe it.
I make lots of milk. I'm blessed beyond measure for that. Right now I am hand expressing exclusively during the day (from 7am or earlier, whenever the baby wakes, until 10pm at night). I can get enough for him and also extra for my friend who is supplementing to get her daughter to gain weight because of low supply.
My 21 month old nurses twice, maybe three times a day. My oldest at 21 months was still nursing every 2-3 hours with one longer stretch of maybe 5 hours at night. I feel guilty that I say no to him when he asks sometimes. I don't want him to wean. I can handle him nursing 2 or 3 times a day even if I feel like I *should* be able to nurse him more (mentally should I mean).
I feel even guiltier that what I would love to do is stop breastfeeding the baby. Just pump and feed him exclusively. It has occurred to me that my supply may not always stay this high with just expressing milk and at that point I want to just be able to give him formula and be OK with that. I feel so guilty for saying that. I have never ever given any of my children formula and it just feels so wrong for me to even be considering it... especially for such selfish reasons.
His latch sucks. Breast or bottle he clicks and does a weird thing with his tongue (not like a tie where it can't move from the bottom of his mouth but almost like it is drawn upwards... I've never seen anything like it). He hurts me. He does totally fine with the bottle (DS2 never would take one, no matter what I tried). It's so much easier... even with the hassle of cleaning parts and having to make sure I bring milk everywhere, and expressing it... it's easier mentally and also anyone can feed him. I've never wanted to share that before, attempting bottles for my other two (which DS1 took and DS2 refused) were always so that I could leave them if needed, not for if I was there. This time having that freedom to pass him off and get other stuff done is so good for my mental health. Even when *I* feed him a bottle I feel like I'm not trapped by him like I am with nursing.
I don't even know what I'm looking for here. Has anyone else ever felt the same? Any thoughts or suggestions? I really just needed to vent and get out my guilty thoughts. I don't know what I'm going to do yet... keep doing what I've been doing I suppose for now. Tomorrow I'm meeting with an LC to see if we can figure out his tongue issue and also why he isn't gaining weight well (first of my babies to do that). I can't help but feel that fixing his tongue isn't going to fix my mental burn out though. I don't really know how to fix that.