how to balance time w/ dysfunctional dad???

[mgienow]

hi everyone -- i'm michelle, in baltimore md, with two little boys 4 & 7. their dad has bipolar disorder and even tho medicated he is utterly narcissistic -- unable to think of anyone but himself, does what he wants when he wants to do it. he is simply unable to put anyone else's needs before his own, and if he has an unmet need he goes absolutely nuts until that need is met. (i have never seen anyone so unable to self-soothe -- and unwilling to even try!)

i just left a month ago (oct 2nd! woo hoo!) and it was the best thing i could have ever done for both myself and the boys. i'm only sorry i didn't do it years ago. the thing is, mr. barely noticed he has a family all of a sudden wants to be father of the year. he's threatening me, constantly fighting with me and badgering me about having them. AND HE WANTS 50/50 CUSTODY ***RIGHT NOW***!!!!!

my question is: how do you balance children's need to see/be with their dad, against their need for stability, a "home base" and routine etc?

i am happy he suddenly wants a real relationship with them, but i am the only caregiver they have only known and you can't just change that because you fricking WANT to, esp when this is such a difficult time, stressful and full of changes. i am fully focused on re-establishing us in new house, keeping everyone safe and secure and reassured.

i am in no way trying to keep them from him! i am open to eventually having equal coparenting -- when the boys are older and provided their dad learns some serious skills and adult boundaries. i feel like that is something we gradually work up to but he is having none of that -- he wants what he wants RIGHT NOW.

at this point we have an informal agreement, reached in mediation, that he has the boys every other weekend (fri afternoon - sun afternoon) and on the opposite week he takes them weds and thurs school night evenings for overnights at his house. i am SO sorry i agreed to this! they're too young, and they have never ever been in his sole care, and it's SO not working.

i agreed for two reasons: it was barely a week after i left and then i really didn't know what to do, regarding visits and balancing time btw parents, and i do passionately believe that kids do better when they get to see both parents as much as possible.

BUT they also need stability, routine, and a "home base" and all the crazy potential time shares he's suggesting serve only his own emptiness and loneliness into account, NOT what is best for THEM. though of course he talks all day long about how they come first, etc etc.

he goes on and on about how he can't lose his relationship with his sons and that evening visits don't count because they're not overnight. he does have alt weds evening visits, on weeks it's not an overnight, had one last night, texted me in the middle of it that we have to revisit this because it's too rushed, having to do dinner and homework and then i pick up at 7:30 (which happens to be 4 yo's bedtime). i'm like, welcome to parenting, pal, this is what it's like for all families.

so my question is: HOW LONG DOES THIS LAST? i am so trying to fight for the right thing here and hold out against him, but he goes NUTS when i don't just give in like i gave in for past 10 yrs rushing to meet whatever need he presented. threatening texts (i am saving all of them!), calling me repeatedly -- 16 times in an hour! -- all the usual harassment and intimidation. do they eventually just calm down after awhile? i just am having so much anxiety and insomnia over this, it sounds not so bad when i try to write it here but i'm struggling so hard and barely keeping it togehter! i'm so worried he'll not bring the kids back from a visit, and my atty told me that police won't do anything abt it because we don't have a court-ordered custody agreement....

i'm so glad to be here, sorry my first post is soooo long but i live in a really rural area pretty isolated from like-minded parents and i desperately need some perspective and suggestions and support and stories of how other mamas are surviving all this!

thanks,
michelle

[mommy_to_2angels]

Michelle,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I am in the same boat except further along. My ex is now starting to realize that he cannot control me and it's driving him crazy. He's threatened suicide and cries on the phone to me. And me having a naturally guilty conscience(sp?) it kills me. But I hold my ground. He wants his way or no way at all. I gave in and now I've gotten screwed on child support. I am saving for an attorney and gonna fight for my rights. The difference in my situation and yours, I have 100% physical custody at this point because he has no-where to take them, no car to take them in and so his visitation is at my discretion. However, legally, we have 50/50 custody... Court ordered, I mean. But he is 2 weeks behind on his support and still tries to manipulate whenever he can.

So does it get better? I guess it is better than what it was, but I'll rejoice when he moves 1500 miles away, like he threatened to do.

[doubledutch]

michele, you determine what is best for them and put that in place. whatever you agreed to in mediation is not binding - it's not a court-order. make a case for increased stability, propose the schedule you think is best and put in place. get a court order asap. otherwise, he could just keep them from you (not that it sounds like he wants to do that, because it would be way too much work for him, ask me how i know). but definitely put into place what you believe is best for the kids - because courts tend to agree with the status quo. if you go to court and ask for him to have less parenting time than you've currently been voluntarily giving him, they will most likely say no. however, if you go to court and demonstrate that at first you agreed to multiple overnights and evening visits each week but it was not good for them, so you modified the schedule to allow for more stabilty and a predictable routine, and this is better for them. if you can show that, and show how that is working out better for your kids, then you have a better chance of getting the judge to agree that this is a good schedule you've worked out for the kids.

jen, i've also btdt with the suicide threats. do not engage. just calmly ask if he's truly suicidal, and if he says yes, then inform him that you will be calling the police on his behalf, and do it.

[Halfasianmomma]

Originally Posted by doubledutch

jen, i've also btdt with the suicide threats. do not engage. just calmly ask if he's truly suicidal, and if he says yes, then inform him that you will be calling the police on his behalf, and do it.

Excellent advice. Leave the suicide handling to the pros.

Michelle, it's definitely time for you to put your foot down and decide what's best for your boys. Your STBX will cuss and moan about it, make threats perhaps (actually, that could be to your advantage...document EVERYTHING), but in the end, your boys will benefit from seeing you enforce your boundaries to their nutsoid father.

Do you have a lawyer? If not, get one!

[provocativa]

i agree with everyone, get to documenting. it doesn't appear on first google that phone recordings are admissable in court in maryland, unless both parties are aware that the call is being recorded. but i would record anyway, so that i could refer to it in making a written record. i would also start asking the boys right after the visits about what they did with their dad, in a congenial manner, and try to document that- it could be that he is not adequately supervising them, or similar, or being mean, etc.

[hillymum]

First off your attorney needs to get a motion in front of the judge reguarding custody and visitationIf you really believe the children are suffering from being with their father this much then back up your concerns by getting them into counciling!

[mommy_to_2angels]

Will the police really go out and look into his suicide threats? I didn't realize that. Honestly, his passive aggressive manipulations drive me crazy and it's just gotten progressively worse. I feel bad, but can't afford to, you know?

Sorry to hi-jack, btw!

[MissLotus]

I too would scale back the visits so that they are not the precendent when this becomes solidified. I know how hard it is dealing with this type of ex because you described my own ex's behavior very accurately - not diagnosed bipolor but I have long suspected that very disorder in him (his sister has been diagnosed with it and their behavior is alike) - but as he refuses diagnoses he has never been medicated... so that's been fun... but I digress. They will rant and rave and bully - BUT they will do that even if you do just what they want, because their satisfaction lasts maybe 3 seconds. Also, importantly, I really doubt he's suddenly really yearning to be with the kids so much if he was never that involved... he wants control, is what he wants. My own ex is manipulative that way too and moans about what a victim he is. Whatever. If your ex really cares about the kids, he too will see their need for stability, especially if you were the primary caregiver. When my ex finally left the darn house, and our son was still a baby, ex (who like yours barely noticed we were there when he DID live there) suddenly announced that he would be dropping by every day unless he notified me otherwise. Yes, it was all going to be up to him and I was supposed to sit around every day of my life wondering if he was coming. Talk about narcissism. Umm - no. I just refused. If he ranted, I hung up. Unpleasant - yes. Slowly though, he was forced to get the message.

So. The first thing is, it doesn't sound like you have a lawyer. (Maybe you do.) But things like mediation don't work if one of the parties is off the wall unreasonable. Have the lawyer send him a letter saying something along the lines of how the current visitation schedule is too much, too soon for the children to adjust to, and propose a more traditional one; I would nix those weekday overnights, and keep the every other weekend (as long as that's okay for your kids), plus one evening each week (not overnight). You could point out that it increases the frequency of the visits, while maintaining their stability. And that in the future you may be agreeable to adding more visitation provided it is gradual. Make it all about how this is in the kids' best interest and that you feel frequency is more important than the length of visits (really - what would he be doing overnight with them, anyway?). He may blather on but you'll have it on paper and can show to a judge that you were trying to balance the childrens' needs with your ex's demands.

I also would refuse to discuss issues with him in person. Send - or have your lawyer send - a registered letter saying that communication will be via e-mail only, for instance. I know it's hard not to engage at drop-offs, etc.; you could also tell him that if he uses that time to bully you, you will file for a restraining order. You and your children have the right to peaceful exchanges. My ex still, years later, to continue the bullying dynamic but it takes a lot of standing your ground and sticking to it. Like any bully, they get more bored when they hear the same thing all the time.

[mgienow]

thanks everyone for the replies and advice! i DO actually have a great attorney but STBX threatens very expensive court action if i don't give up the visitation he wants, so i thought i would try ONE mediation session. which didn't work -- he agreed to everything in session, he has a high need to seem like a good guy in front of strangers, but then afterward it's like it never happened. hmmm, reminds me of sessions with the FOUR marriage counselors we saw...anyway, since he never signed the memorandum of agreement from mediation i am hoping it doesn't hold much power as precedent.

i have found a terrific family therapist, seen her already, the boys both go tomorrow. she's adamant that they need to be home for school nights. STBX, who holds the medical insurance, is refusing to pay for these sessions but i'm going to find a way to pay because this will only help my case if it comes to it.

as for suicide threats: BTDT too (giant eye roll). that used to totally undo me, until the day i called his bluff and drove him to the emergency room and he got involuntarily signed into a mental hospital for suicidal ideation and being a threat to himself! so THAT b.s. stopped. i would definitely calmly tell anyone grandstanding about suicide that if he's serious you must get off the phone now to call 911/police to help him, because you certainly cannot. and then get off the phone.

god, the documentation...i *know* i need to do it but i'm just stumped. i just need to write down the crazy suggestions he has made, sometimes through the children (he told the 7 yo that maybe he could live with daddy and the 4 yo stay with me so we each have a kid, WTF???)

i have suggested til i'm blue in the face the best for the boys, ie every other weekend, weds eve visits (even overnight, maybe, in the summer) but he just comes back with 'i can't lose my relationship with my sons' and is totally inflexible that unless he has them over night, it's meaningless -- the time is too limited and rushed. so he sees that as going backwards, since currently he has 4 overnights out of 14 plus an evening visit.

but whoever wrote that you get nowhere arguing with someone so beyond reason, right on! the hardest habit i have got to break is STILL trying to reason with him, expecting that if i treat him like a sentient grownup then he'll act like one. um, hasn't worked in 10 years, not likely tto start working now, why is that so hard for me to realize???

thanks again all...

michelle