Holi-daze and headaches

[Norasmomma]

I'm not sure where to post this, so I'm posting here.

I'm an adult only child, I do have a step-sister and a step-brother who are rarely around my family except my step sis will come over for holidays. My mom *hates* Thanksgiving because her mom would buy the hugest turkey cook it until it was way overdone and then feed it to them for months from the freezer, so she hates turkey and therefore Thanksgiving.

The holidays when my parents were together were a nightmare, our families lived on the other side of the state, SO we would travel to see them. I remember my parents being super stressed because we had to see EVERYONE in 3 days. Dad's parents, my mom's mom, her aunt....it was very stressful. My g-ma on my mom's side is a horrible, guilt-tripping woman, if she wasn't my g-ma I'd probably never speak to her again because she says mean stuff about me, my kids, and most everyone. She treats my mom like dirt and my mom puts up with it. She now lives close to my mom because she is aging and needs help. My mom has a brother who lived down the street from g-ma for 20 years, he put up with much of her crap for that 20 years. We moved across state, then out of state. Now my mom and her brother are fighting because he hates his mom, I can hardly blame him, he doesn't want to see her because, well she's wretched.

Anyway I'm babbling....This year I don't want to go to Thanksgiving at my mom's-at all. Her house is not baby-proofed and I have a 13 month old busy baby, I've already done this scenario before with my DD. I am fine without some baby-proofing but this borders on scary dangerous, my DD has found scissors, sharpened pencils, there's a burning hot woodstove by the main walk way.

My mom is guilt-tripping me now, saying my step-sis is coming, she told g-ma and g-ma is bummed(whatever ). She hasn't said she's annoyed that we are not coming, yet I can fully hear it in her voice and her inflections while speaking. She gets really ho-hum when things don't go her way-exactly what she hates about my g-ma.

I really just want a nice holiday at my IL's, no worrying my son is going to fall on a stove or stab himself with scissors. She's just being so depressed acting and I know even if she wouldn't admit it she's trying to guilt me into coming over. Now she won't answer her phone(also g-ma's MO).

Ugh. Any advice? TIA

[HollyBearsMom]

When my son was born (and even before) we told the family that we would not travel during the holidays once we had children. Were they happy? No. Did they guilt trip us? You bet. Did they get over it? Yes.


My husband's family spends the entire thanksgiving day in the car either getting no "real" dinner or eating one at every house. Christmas is just like your described w/ everyone stressed trying to see *everyone* in a limited time period.

I was not going to subject our son to that. I wanted us in our own home, with our own traditions. Our compromise was our house was open to anyone who wanted come. Sad not see DS on Thanksgiving? Come see us! Want to see him open his presents on Christmas? Come and stay the night!

Would your family go for that?

For the out of state relatives we do go down for either Easter (more religious than family oriented to us) or a long weekend in the Fall and see as many as we can but it is so much less stressful without the "holiday" pressure.

Now that he is older we do rotate Thanksgiving but we still don't travel more than an hour and we go to one home. But Christmas will remain in our own home.

[Norasmomma]

Well it's only an hour to my mom's and I see her at least once a month, so it's not a big deal like she's making it. I think in her mind she thinks I'm choosing them over her or something. Since DD was born we have had Christmas at our house, we have a tradition of Christmas eve-eve at my dad's, Christmas eve at my IL's and then Christmas(or the closest Sunday) at our house. This is also because my mom lives on a mountain and the driveway is rather dangerous in the winter, plus her house has very little water due to the remoteness. So our house is perfect for entertaining.

This really is more about her being like my g-ma, after I posted she left a msg on my phone, which I forgot at home and it was mopey and she said to "just do whatever", ugh......I'm struggling because of course the more she's around my g-ma the more her behavior mimics g-ma's. My grandmother is notorious for the silent treatment if she doesn't get her way, so my mom usually does whatever g-ma wants. My kids act less immature when they don't get their way.

I used to do TG here, but then mom thought it was too much work for me with the kids. Then the Christmas thing started and that is great, but my mom of course wants to have a holiday at her house-I just find it hard when she states repeatedly how much she hates it Makes me not wanna be there YK.

It's complicated, but mostly it's my mother's behavior that is bugging me.

[Norasmomma]

Well I spoke with my mom and it had nothing to do with me. Her being weird was because my toxic g-ma had a flippin fit about Christmas. We were trying to plan a day where we could have a family celebration and that works with step-dad's schedule. My g-ma threw a big hissy fit and told my mom that if Christmas wasn't celebrated on Christmas that she wasn't coming(good riddance). She then told my mom that she's had the most miserable Christmases since moving over here 6 years ago and that it is all my mom's fault. I really hate that she treats my mom so badly and I want to call her and tell her off. G-ma is lucky that my mom is so much sweeter and nicer than I am because I wouldn't put up with her crap. My mom apologized to me and wanted me to know that she wasn't mad-at all. G-ma is mad and being a bit, fat baby-like always, so in turn upset my mom.

I just wish they had a normal relationship, ugh.