My friend doesn't want to come out b/c her baby cries!

[MamitaM]

So we are both new moms just getting to know our babies. My babe really doesn't cry much so I can go out pretty much whenever and he's happy. I also don't want to totally change my plans if I want to go out just b/c he's crying or I know he will cry at a certain time of day.

This friend,she's also a new friend to me so I have to be careful what I say and how I say it so I don't scare her off from me. We had to change plans today in part b/c of the weather and in part b/c she says her baby will start to cry by the time she arrives at my house. She seems to think that her baby is high needs as well since he cries at night if he looses his paci. I told her this is normal though and doesn't make him high needs so try not to worry about it.

Is there something I can say to my new friend to assure her that it's ok for her baby to cry once in a while and that she doesn't have to rearrange all of her plans just b/c she knows he will cry at a certain time of day? I believe that if she takes him out often enough he will get used to it and eventually like it and not cry as much.

[eclipse]

I had a high needs baby, and there's no way in heck I would take him out during times that I knew he would get upset. No. Way. He was also a car screamer - and I even got into an accident due to him crying in the back seat. So, avoiding unnececessary driving is something I think is smart when you have a baby who cries in the car. If your baby doesn't cry much, I'd like to gently suggest that you don't have any idea what she's going through. I don't think there's anyway to not offend her while saying "it's okay for your baby to cry." No way at all. You're not the mom, you don't get to decide those things. Also, and I'm trying to put this as nicely as possible, but it sounds like you're putting your desire to get out and hang out with your friend above her baby's need to be comfortable and your friend's need to help her baby be comfortable - and it comes off as a bit selfish. I'm not saying that o be mean - but I really think people who have calm, mellow babies don't "get" what it's like when your baby isn't like that. Had my dd been my first baby (never cried, very portable, willing to sleep anywhere), I probably wouldn't have understood either.

What I would do is offer to go see your friend at her house, or ask if certain times of day are better for her baby and make plans at those times - and be understanding if she has to cancel for the good of her baby and her sanity.

[GoBecGo]

i had a HN #1. honestly, if you haven't experienced it, you cannot imagine. i used to say "i'm tired" "she cries in the evenings" "she's hard to settle" and lots of people told me how normal she was. Now i've had #2 i realise that having sleep-deprivation psychosis/hallucinations, 3-4 hours of inconsolable screaming every day and a baby that would not stop crying, even to nurse, for up to 6 hours sometimes is not normal.

ask her what YOU can do to help make it possible to see her/them, listen to her and please please don't make her feel like she's making it up or blowing it out of proportion. having a HN #1 is really really hard.

[MamitaM]

You're right I don't think I do get how frustrated she might be with her baby who cries since mine is so easy and calm all the time. I don't know how often or how much he really cries though. If it's just for a few minutes or if it's for an hour or so. I do know that she mentioned him losing his paci at night and he cries so she thinks that means he is high needs. To me that seems pretty normal for a baby to do. She was asking about the CIO method to deal with that

I do admit that I really wanted to meet up with her today,but I do understand her not wanting to drive to far with this weather and a crying baby in the car. I don't drive at all and to get to her is about an hour by public transport,so me going to her isn't easy at all. I'm also a little worried that she's isolated and alone to often,so I'm going to see if I can find any mama/baby groups closer to where she lives so she can get out. She did actually ask me if I knew of any near her.

I'm just wondering if her baby is really high needs or she's just thinking that if he cries at all. She's also very mainstream and doesn't do the co-sleeping and stuff that I do.

[GoBecGo]

it's hard to say if he's HN without witnessing it - i definitely think a lot of AP practices tend to help keep a baby satisfied/happy, but there really are some HN kids out there where it makes no difference how you parent them.

it kind of doesn't matter - if SHE feels he's HN and won't come out then it doesn't matter if he is or not. i would try to meet her midway and if even that doesn't work out then just stay in touch and wait. things change fast!

[MamitaM]

I really hope I don't end up being one of those mamas who try and tell other mamas how to raise their babies! I think I need to learn how to share what I know with other mamas with out coming across as telling them they need to do things the way I do them. I all ready know that all babies are different and that what I do with my babe may not work with her babe or even the next babe I may have.

[SilverFish]

don't worry, i don't think you should assume that her baby is HNs without witnessing it! i think some people are more conscious of their baby crying or being difficult, and if it inhibits their ability to get out and be social, then i don't think that giving them some support is a bad thing. i think you can just be very gentle in letting her know that you really don't mind if her baby fusses while you are together, and obviously it's ok if she wants to stay home, but you really don't expect her baby to be on "company behavior" while you're together.

a friend of mine has a baby a couple months younger than mine too, and wasn't as used to kids and babies as me (i've worked with them a lot over the years) and definitely was overly sensitive to her baby fussing. i spent a fair amount of time with her when her baby was quite young, and she really wasn't HNs (in my opinion anyway) but she still needed a little encouragement to get out of the house with her.

anyway, since the work is on her to get out of the house and to yours, i don't think you can expect too much... sometimes it does seem like a insurmountable task to get yourself together and get out. just try to reschedule, be flexible, and let her know you support whatever she needs to do.

[MamitaM]

Thank you SilverFish that's really great advice for me to take.

[somegirl99]

I was hesitant for a while to take DS places because of his meltdowns, but the more that we did it, the better it got for both of us. Now that he is more aware of his surroundings, the distractions of new places and people sometimes keep him calmer than he would be at home. I also found that people are way more understanding and tolerant of a screaming baby than I would have thought.

[texmati]

Originally Posted by MamitaM

Is there something I can say to my new friend to assure her that it's ok for her baby to cry once in a while and that she doesn't have to rearrange all of her plans just b/c she knows he will cry at a certain time of day? I believe that if she takes him out often enough he will get used to it and eventually like it and not cry as much.

I had a baby that cried a lot, and I did not make any plans for months after he was born.

I had a c-section, trouble nursing, and a crying baby and I was shocked (really shocked) when an acquaintance suggested I come over for coffee with the baby 6 weeks pp.

There is such a huge difference in newborns/recovery... it's hard to understand if you aren't coming from the other perspective.

[MamitaM]

Our babies are the same age,just a few days apart. Actually she "stole" my sons due date!

I'm shocked that women are expected to go back to work at 6 weeks PP,vaginal or c-section birth!

I think I'll just encourage her to keep listening to her baby and try to get him used to going out slowly and let her know that if a baby does cry in public most people don't mind and they expect it. For coffee meets up I do try and arrange my mama/baby dates at baby friendly places.

I'll also see if I can help her find a play group or something closer to where she is. I know she's alone all day and I worry that in Winter it may get to her if she doesn't get out and meet other mommies. She did ask me if I knew of anything out her way,so I feel it's ok to ask around and see what I can find for her.

Her baby may cry less in a month or so and she'll feel more comfortable taking train or driving here on her own. I am understanding about that and I wouldn't want her to drive here with a crying baby in bad weather.

[CherryBombMama]

neither of my boys are high needs, but i def schedule my day around their crying/fussing times. if its almost 10:30am? wherever we are or whoever we're with - see ya later! i only have half an hour to get them fed then asleep because if i try to push it, its meltdown time!

i do what i can to make my life easier.

[jennybear]

Why is it important if her baby is technically "high needs"? It seems like she's communicating what she needs to be comfortable. I don't think it's particularly sensitive or compassionate to tell her that her baby is normal and to "encourage" her to come out.

You seem pretty focused on helping her meet her social needs, but I wonder if part of it isn't that you're feeling like you need another social outlet. Do you have a baby/mom group? Feel well connected to other friends close by? Is this frustrating for you because you depend on her quite a bit for interaction?

Just some things to think about. Having a new baby is tough and I think, collectively, we put a lot of pressure on new moms to jump back into things. When a mama pushes back and lets people know what she/her baby needs, that should be affirmed and respected imo. I mean, we're talking about a 6-ish week old, right? That's a newborn.

[texmati]

Originally Posted by MamitaM

Our babies are the same age,just a few days apart. Actually she "stole" my sons due date!

I'm shocked that women are expected to go back to work at 6 weeks PP,vaginal or c-section birth!

I think I'll just encourage her to keep listening to her baby and try to get him used to going out slowly and let her know that if a baby does cry in public most people don't mind and they expect it. For coffee meets up I do try and arrange my mama/baby dates at baby friendly places.

I'll also see if I can help her find a play group or something closer to where she is. I know she's alone all day and I worry that in Winter it may get to her if she doesn't get out and meet other mommies. She did ask me if I knew of anything out her way,so I feel it's ok to ask around and see what I can find for her.

Her baby may cry less in a month or so and she'll feel more comfortable taking train or driving here on her own. I am understanding about that and I wouldn't want her to drive here with a crying baby in bad weather.

yeah... my ds was also born in september... by November I still wasn't 'bounced back'. In fact, ds only became what I call 'portable' at about 6 mos.

[Parker'smommy]

Yah....I've stayed "in" more with this baby than any of my others. It's just...too hard. It's not relaxing to hold a screaming baby at someone else's house. It's just not. It's so stressful. And I've done everything the same with her as the others too. In fact, I've been even more "AP" with her, and still I have a fussy, cranky baby. There's no explanation...it's just the way it is right now.

[P.J.]

My baby was colicky (cried a LOT the first 3 months) and, as we came to realize, also HN. We pretty much lived in our little house those first months. It was summer so believe me we would've loved to have gone out. But we couldn't take him anywhere. When we tried, he just fussed and cried and it was no fun. It is pretty much impossible to have a good time or relax when your baby's crying.
I think it's hard for you to imagine since you have an easy baby. Even if it would only be at your house and you wouldn't mind the crying, it still wouldn't be a good time for the other mama. We had our routine down of how to deal with the baby wen he was screaming (drawn curtains, rocking chair, etc) which wouldn't have worked at someone else's house.
Just have some patience, this phase will pass. Even if your friend's baby is HN, eventually he'll become a bit more independent and it'll get easier. At the very least, she should be able to take him out once this inital crying phase passes. In fact, lots of HN babies love going out for the variety and new things to look at.
As for the CIO, please inform your friend that even the doctors who recommend CIO say not to do it on a newborn. You could also call up the research that has proven it damaging. GL!

[Friday13th]

I can't comment on whether her baby is HN or not but I will say a screaming baby in a public place makes me sweaty and panicky so I'd avoid that at all costs. However, I've had two really fussy newborns and having someone else around to keep my company really helped, as long as they weren't freaked out by a screaming infant. So I might mention to her that if she can get to your place (ideally you could go to her but an hour on public transit with a baby doesn't sound like fun either) you'd love to hang out, whether the baby is screaming or not. (I have some serious paranoia that my screaming child is bugging other people so I avoided it with my first but with the second all my friend already have kids so they're not even phased) Just reassure her you don't mind keeping her company even if the baby is fussy, that's all you can do especially since it sounds like you guys live kind of far apart and transportation is a big consideration.

[MamitaM]

It isn't important to me that I know for sure if her babe is HN or not. I just think she's being to quick to call him that b/c of the reason she told me she thinks he is HN. She was asking about the CIO method and some people mentioned it being ok to do on older babies and some mentioned the Ferber method. Now I admit I don't know much about Ferber but from what I've been told it isn't a good idea and I've told her that maybe before she tries this she should research it and get different view points on this method and CIO.


I don't have a big circle of mama friends,but that's slowly changing. I'd love to have her be a part of that but I do understand that since she lives pretty far and isn't always comfortable driving she can't always make it into town. If she can't come out and meet me then I really hope she can make a circle of mama friend closer to her. She did tell me how lonely she is out there (it's a small town) and how hard it is to find a play group. I do worry a little that she'll get to alone all day with the baby during Winter and she may fall into PPD. So if I can do something to help I'd like to even if that's just a nice phone call once in a while.

We chatted on fb last night and I think I said a few encouraging things to her and gave her some advice about some things she asked about. I didn't know the answers to some of it though. I also told her that sometimes I can come off as judgmental and may come on to strong so if I do that please let me know. We're both new first time mamas of sweet little boys and we need to support one another.

[Eresh]

Nothing wrong with you telling her what you've said here -- that you're worried about her not getting out, esp with winter coming. Just remain open ended with invitations and supportive.

One thing though about Ferber Method .. it should absolutely not be practiced before 4 months. that is according to dr. ferber

[mamazee]

My first was a high needs baby, and it was just way way way too stressful to go out during her witching hour. She would have been as miserable at home as anywhere else, but I would have been a mess too worrying about it in front of other people, and it would have made me stressed. I'd just try to work around her schedule as best you can, because this time doesn't last forever.