hello my name is (disappointed)

[FearThePenguin]

hello everyone, I have finally taken the plunge and am looking for people who might be able to give me actual advice.....

small introduction. 28 yr old MFA student has surprise pregnancy with steady boyfriend. lots of in between 'issues' from there, but we are together until one day ( baby is 2 months old) im in the bathtub trying to get a five minute break while he watches the baby and he grabs a bag and takes off for good. for good in a sense..the sense that he abandoned my child and I, and left us with all the bills we split on our leased apartment.

i had to sue for child support and out of the blue he wants his child again. he wants lots of visitation and now its turned into a losing battle on my end....which seemed quite impossible from the get go. how could he be getting everything he wants? he left us, we were never married...the list goes on.

mediation has been a disaster for so many reasons. the last one involved absolutely no mediating!
trying to find ways to make the baby's father understand visitation needs to be gradual for a 7 month old. he wants to take him off for a whole days at a time now...yes i breast feed and practice attachment parenting, no he doesnt care....and when he's two years old wants him for full weekends and an entire week in summer plus the holiday rotation which is multiple overnights at a time. two is too young. how do i convince this stubborn man to compromise...according to my attorney i'll lose this battle in court and he'll get the visitation he wants, even though its detrimental to my baby's development (according to many respectable experts)

he is also refusing to pay any child care costs because im not 'working'....being enrolled full time and finishing my thesis with an infant doesnt count to him..

i want to avoid court, i want it to be over, i want to concentrate on my baby, my thesis, my life.

drama drama, any ideas?
god i hope someone has been successful at figuring this one out for themselves...it seems hopeless

[FearThePenguin]

i seem to be the only one around here who is unable to get any replies. maybe its because i'm new? if its something else fill me in

peace

-c

[la mamita]

it sounds like you need a better lawyer. you need to be strong and fight as much as you can on the early stuff, because it will set the tone---hard to undo those kind of agreements. i don't have much advice beyond that, because my situation didn't get ugly enough to need a huge custody battle. good luck!

[greenemami]

Popping in from blended families, since you were looking for responses...

As far as I know, he does not get to "choose" to not pay for childcare. File for child support. Some places will include childcare costs, others will set a separate # or percentage, but it is not up to him to determine whether or not you deserve this money. You would have to ask a lawyer for more guidance here.

Have you written out some sort of progression for visitation to present to him/the mediator/the judge? IME the mediator doesn't really mediate a whole lot-he/she either signs off that yes, both of you agree on a plan or no, you will have to take it to court-this may not be like this everywhere, but it is what I have heard happening in my limited experience.

In any case, if you show up with a plan that shows you DO want him to have liberal visitation/shared custody/whatever, and show a steady progression towards that, it may go a long way to proving that you are not trying to keep him away from your baby, just making it easier on the babe, KWIM?

While I personally agree that 2 is too young for multiple overnights, it is unlikely that a judge will agree I'm sorry. There are some states that hold off on overnights until 2, but you would have to look and see what the status quo is in your state.

Good luck, try not to panic. If he is not abusive and really does want to be there, it will be a good thing in the long run that your child has an involved parent.

[Halfasianmomma]

Sorry you're not getting as many replies. I think this is due to your initial post being on Friday evening. I know I was in bed super early!

Regarding your inquiry:
Since you're in school, you should have access to your university's legal services. That would be a good place to start. Also, I would find the cash for an initial consultation with a good family law lawyer, even if it costs you 100$ for the hour. You need solid legal advice.

So far, you've been abandoned, left with no financial support, you've had de facto physical custody...I don't see that you need to "give in" to anything. Supervise all visitation at this point. Document everything.

Write up a progressive visitation plan to take to meditation. I suggest asking for a new mediator. (PM me if you want to see my progressive visitation plan). When you go to mediation, be clear that you are not trying to deny the father a relationship with his child, but that considering that HE ABANDONED THE CHILD and cut contact for so long, it is in the *interest of the child* to proceed carefully.

Stick to your guns, detach emotionally and document document document. Any outburst or threat or abuse on his part can definitely play in your favour. If however this man is decent and want to genuinely be a father, there's very little you can do to prevent visitation from taking place. You can however work to control the frequency of the visitation.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Well, my son is 22mo, and spends "days at a time" with his dad, who he is very close to, and it hasn't harmed him yet. So, I think you need to be more flexible - the more reasonable you are with him (attachment parenting and all, dad has rights - he abandoned the baby and needs to earn them back to a degree....), but the more you ARE willing to give, the more he might be able to give in return.

What have you proposed as far as visitation? What has he asked for? With more specifics I might be able to answer better. My ds was 11mo when my ex and I split, so that doesn't change things slightly, but I'm a very attached mom (though I hate labels with a passion and don't follow all the "rules"), and my ds is a very attached toddler - but he's very attached to both of us.

[FearThePenguin]

la mamita: i completely agree about the lawyer and everything else. in fact my mom and i finally decided we'd had enough with my lawyer and are letting her go on monday. we have another one that i'd been speaking to about the problems i've had with her and he has done business with my moms company several times in the past so hopefully he is more trustworthy

[One_Girl]

You need a good family law attorney who is willing to fight and who knows the laws. They don't come cheap but it is worth the fight. I think you should concede to only the minimum amount of visitation that is laid out in your states guidelines. Days on end at different houses at a young age aren't there in the guidelines in our state, though a parent can get them if they push a lot even when abandonment is an issue. Your state should also have guidelines for calculating support, childcare, and medical costs and any family law attorney should know that much and be able to push for that.

I had success pushing for phased in visitation because my ex essentially abandoned us and it helped my ex to see that he didn't actually want to be that involved, some exs may see that they want to be more involved by it though but it is a good start because it gets everyone used to a new person and a change. The first phase requires my ex to come to my home and visit for four hours each saturday (put times in yours if you do this) for six consecutive weeks. Second phase is four hour visits unsupervised for six consecutive weeks. Third phase is 8 hours every other Saturday from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Missing a visit puts him back at the previous phase. He gets no visitation unsupervised until he provides me with proof of a working phone number and concrete address. Our state doesn't state overnights as a requirement until age four.

[FearThePenguin]

greenemami: child support, child care and medical ins were all factored into his drfa worksheet. he makes good money and i am not working, have not been since my third trimester 'bed rest'. i am still in school getting my masters degree working on my thesis everyday all day and night. in any case not only has he lied about his income (Which is absurd because we have his paystubs) but he is getting away with it. there is a diff of about 11 grand a year, and they are claiming its because its in overtime. however his overtime is consistent now and has been and will be. he doesnt think i need child care because im mostly at home pouring through research and typing and running around town to get my thesis exhibition together and having meetings with my thesis committee....im breastfeeding so i need him to be at home, not to mention that i am vaccinnating (Sp) very slowly to be as safe as possible. most daycares do not allow that. so the mediations have basically gone nowhere with child care expenses, ..he says no and thats that. i cant understand it. in a few months ill not be at home and there will still be child care expenses and im sure there will be for so many years to come.

yes i did come up with a parenting plan that was shot down. when he abandoned us we had an apartment together and he dumped all the bills on me. i was forced to move in with my parents (ahhh) temporarily. i still offered him visitation twice a week (which i DIDNT have to do at all because he has not been legitimized as the father) but he almost never took it. he just wanted to take my son and go off somewhere to spend time with him. at 3 months old that was ridiculous and he is breastfed. not to mention at that point in time he was sleeping on someones couch, and had nada in the baby supplies dept. he just didnt want to be in a three mile radius of his baby's mother. he is still acting that way.
so he really didnt come see his son and we filed the child support/visitation action against him. he refused to speak to my attorney. the day before we were supposed to go to court he comes up with his own attorney. after that we have a set agreement for once a week visitation for five hours on sundays.

in no way do i want to keep him from my son, but i want him to consider the scientific studies on age appropriate visitation. at his age it is recommended to have short frequent visits that work their way up to full days then one night over then the weekend.
his visitation proposal that came back to me asked for immediate visitation where he takes my son away from my home at least twice a week for long periods of time. (i forgot to mention i saw his crib and looked it up and it was recalled--when i told him he got furious because he thought i was trying to make him spend more money..he got the crib for free anyway). he has NEVER been alone with the baby for more than 1.45 hrs by himself due to the breastfeeding so a jump to all day is going to be traumatic. after that he wants over nights at 18 months, THEN full weekends, weeks in the summer, and then full on 4 days to a week during the holidays. he wants the right to take him out of state when he is only two as well. he wants him for thanksgiving dinner three years in a row. i dont feel this is appropriate or in his best interest at all. and given that he cannot even get a crib that isn't dangerous my worries are warranted and prevalent. additionally because his attitude is that he and i should not even speak to each other i would not expect to be getting any kind of reassurance or updates on my child while they were together.
besides the crazy visitation-- he has been trying to get religious 'final say' --even though he's an atheist. he also wanted some other final says but at this point ive lost count of all the weird demands....like him asking i sign an agreement that i not tattoo or pierce my child!!!!! WTFFFFFFFF

he honestly doesnt realize what he is asking for because i dont think he can handle a 7 month old very long.. plus he has no child proofing...the list goes on...

oh and ps. i have NO idea what most of these abbrevations you ladies have been using are...i.e. KWIM??

[FearThePenguin]

one girl: what state do you live in?? wow im jealous

[FearThePenguin]

somebody has got to fill me in on all these weird STBX DDS DS abbreviations. im lost

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma

Sorry you're not getting as many replies. I think this is due to your initial post being on Friday evening. I know I was in bed super early!

Regarding your inquiry:
Since you're in school, you should have access to your university's legal services. That would be a good place to start. .

I've never heard of a university offering legal services. Is this in the US? Many US colleges and universities offer counseling services, but these are not legal services. These would be mental health services. But getting some mental health services through your university wouldn't be a bad idea at this stage in your situation.

Anyway--you did mean MFA--yes? I have an MFA (ex has an MBA)--and I have a PhD. Interesting--I know SO few people with MFAs, it's nice to see someone else out there who is an artist in whatever medium you are in. It's just that when I say to people: I have an MFA and a PhD--they respond: you mean MBA, right? I want to say (but I never do)--yes, you are smarter than I am--and you are right--I don't know what my own degree is--LOL! Anyway--congrats on that!

Number one: finish that degree.
Number two: I'm in Virginia. Don't know what state you are in, but in Virginia--there are NO options regarding paying for child support. It's based completely on income. Check your state regarding this point.
Number three: get a better lawyer.
Number four: don't spend all your time in court and fighting over stuff.
I say this because I know this: lawyers end up with EVERYTHING that should be yours. You and ex can be wise and sit down and work things out and both realize that child care may eventually be a shared thing--but that when you fight each other, you both lose.

I am probably much older than you are--but I'm in a similar boat. But this is what I have learned over the last few months. I was in a 20 years marriage and ex walked out. We have two young kids 6 and 8. I was 37 when dc #1 was born. And you would think that a man with a family for 20 years would be fighting tooth and nail for his kids and life---but what I have found is that over time (and rather quickly, which I think is odd)--he has lost more and more interest in the kids...and yours will, too. I hate to say it, but it is true. Over time, he will lose interest and will find someone new and start a new life--especially since you are both so young. So sit back and cool your heels. Don't kill yourself spending a ton of money on someone who will eventually lose all interest and move on. Once he takes that baby and has to get up and deal with all that comes with a baby--he won't be so hot on keeping the baby as often as he is saying he wants the baby now. And you won't lose your financial shirt in the process.

Good luck. Hang in there. These things are never easy--trust me. I have lost a lifetime of building a life with a man and now I resent that I'm older, there is less of a chance that I'll be able to "start again" with someone else...and that I have to sell the house the kids have been in since they were born--what a nightmare.
But it does get easier.

[Latte Mama]

Originally Posted by FearThePenguin

somebody has got to fill me in on all these weird STBX DDS DS abbreviations. im lost

STBX= Soon To Be Ex

DS= Dear Son

No clue what DDS is except a dentist, lol!!!

[FearThePenguin]

granollygirlie,youmust have your phd in art history,far as i know only about three schools are doing phd in studio. god what a nightmare doctorate in studio sounds right now.
now maybe i didnt clarify well enough before, the child support is still being 'negotiated' but he will HAVE to pay child support. but him having to pay part of child CARE is where he is refusing and im getting nowhere except penniless. i just applied for food stamps for christs sake while he is buying new phones. argh....

because he is the working party his pro rata share is like 79 %. well im getting zero on child care. every day they have a new reason why i shouldnt get any help with it.

and on the losing interest part....you may be right to some extent but only in years from now. i hate to say but this jerk is at least if not more stubborn than i am and he thinks he is a genius haha (Dont they alll). he isn't stupid, but he's smart enough to make a giant pain in my ass.

i keep trying to be the big person the adult whatever people call it. i want to get along i want to keep the lawyers out of it. i beg him to understand that all they care about is money and they couldnt give two shits what happens to our lives or our baby's life. they care about their money. and his attitude still remains 'if you don't agree i'll see you in court'. this makes me want to buy a paintball gun. usually the words out of his mouth are 'you stupid B****, i'll see you in court!"

on halloween i invited him to do dress up with baby and feed the trick or treaters. everything was fine.....then i found out he was secretly photographing my kitchen counters!!! WTF WTF WTF maybe he wanted to show that they were messy??? i made baby food all weekend and whenever he comes over he makes his own huge mess for me to clean up as well. when i asked him why he took pictures of my kitchen he said " you took them...i didnt" then ran out the door. wont discuss it since. what IS THAT ABOUT?????????????? what is he scheming.
he is untrustworthy even when he is 'getting along' that is scary

sigh. if i wasnt breast feeding i'd need a drink

[vannienicole]

Take him to court. Stop letting him play his games.

[FearThePenguin]

Originally Posted by vannienicole

Take him to court. Stop letting him play his games.

from first post:

mediation has been a disaster for so many reasons. the last one involved absolutely no mediating!
trying to find ways to make the baby's father understand visitation needs to be gradual for a 7 month old. he wants to take him off for a whole days at a time now...yes i breast feed and practice attachment parenting, no he doesnt care....and when he's two years old wants him for full weekends and an entire week in summer plus the holiday rotation which is multiple overnights at a time. two is too young. how do i convince this stubborn man to compromise...according to my attorney i'll lose this battle in court and he'll get the visitation he wants, even though its detrimental to my baby's development (according to many respectable experts)

[Halfasianmomma]

I think this is going to be war mama. He's gathering information against you so he can prove that you are "unfit".

From now on, it is possible to host visitation someplace other than your home? I know it will be a pain to take baby someplace else, but if your home isn't super clean, he may use that against you. I wonder if you couldn't turn the tables on him and ask that visitation be held in his place. Bring your camera and examine his residence (if he lives with someone, you need to know who). Alternately, perhaps there's a local community center, library, park, ....visitation should be short and frequent, as you mentioned.

I'll send you my visitation plan but essentially, it went like this (bare in mind that DD was 14 months old when I left, and that I wrote the plan for the next 3 years, increasing visitation incrementally over that time):

1 evening a week, I'd take her over to his place after daycare. We'd stay for dinner, from about 5:30 to 7:30. I supervised the entire time, staying out of his way but watching everything that went on. I documented every time he didn't have food ready, every time he didn't have diapers, every time he asked me to leave early because "DD is tired" (i.e. he wanted to get drunk sooner).

1 Sunday afternoon, I'd take her over to his place from 12:00 to 3:00. It was a LONG time to spend with him weekly, but at least I could examine his place, supervise visitation, and spend time with DSS (my Dear Step Son). Eventually though, on the advice of my super duper lawyer, I gradually left DD alone with him. First for 45 minutes, then 90 minutes, and eventually, I had to leave her for 3.5 hrs, which was the maximum amount of time XH had been alone with DD when we were still together. I didn't go far and always had my cell phone with me.

Though XH pushed for more than this in the beginning, once he started getting that 3.5 hrs alone with DD, he started to realize that she was "a lot of trouble". She often returned to me soaking wet because he didn't change her or didn't have diapers; she was often starving because he didn't have food for her. And once, due to "an accident", she came back to me covered in dried blood. There were several shortened or cancelled visits. Eventually, the weekday visits didn't happen anymore because XH wasn't interested anymore. I facilitated all visitation because he didn't have a car (and it proved that I had no intention of denying him access). I documented all of this and my lawyer included portions of this in my sworn affidavit.

So, it required patience on my part and yes, it was sneaky. I had no choice though. My XH also wouldn't understand. We did 2 mediation sessions where he basically said "if we're not here to discuss giving me shared custody, I'm leaving". I documented that as well, and when it came time to testify before the judge, I proved that XH wasn't willing to work with my progressive parenting plan, which was fair and kept DD's needs in mind. I clearly asked that XH be granted the visitation he was currently getting because DD needed her father, but nothing more, since he wasn't interested in more.

In my case, since XH didn't bother coming to court, I got sole custody and discretion over all visitation. Since then, he hasn't seen DD.

I know you intend on changing attorneys. I'd ask the new attorney for his or her assessment of the situation. Different legal representation may have a different outlook on the situation. You may have to go to court for this. It IS best to avoid going before a judge because a) it's ridiculously expensive and b) the judge has sole and final say over visitation and support issues.

[vannienicole]

I read the OP. I still say "take him to court". If this means finding a new attorney, then find it. I think Halfasianmomma has some great advice on this as well. Mediation is only for those willing to actually work together. Same with divorcing without court intervention in the process.

My divorce had been relatively amicable most of the time, until we got to the end (which we are still in) and it came time to actually start paying what he said h would. Now he is backtracking, lying and making excuses. His lawyer actually used WHITEOUT on the JCP to change the amount of child support he had to pay to $70 under the guidelines. Ridiculous stuff that they try to slip by and in. We are going to go over the final JCP and decree word by word to make sure they didn't slip more in. It's ridiculous. Like I said, it was all fine and dandy until the time to pay.

Now we have to drag him to court.

I can't see how you would lose out if he was the one who abandoned you guys. That doesn't make sense even after reading over your posts.

[FearThePenguin]

dried blood/????? wtf happened?? id be furious if any of those things occurred. i talk more later, baby daddy nearby for visitation lol

[Mackenzie]

Originally Posted by vannienicole

I read the OP. I still say "take him to court". If this means finding a new attorney, then find it. I think Halfasianmomma has some great advice on this as well. Mediation is only for those willing to actually work together. Same with divorcing without court intervention in the process.

My divorce had been relatively amicable most of the time, until we got to the end (which we are still in) and it came time to actually start paying what he said h would. Now he is backtracking, lying and making excuses. His lawyer actually used WHITEOUT on the JCP to change the amount of child support he had to pay to $70 under the guidelines. Ridiculous stuff that they try to slip by and in. We are going to go over the final JCP and decree word by word to make sure they didn't slip more in. It's ridiculous. Like I said, it was all fine and dandy until the time to pay.

Now we have to drag him to court.

I can't see how you would lose out if he was the one who abandoned you guys. That doesn't make sense even after reading over your posts.

I agree that court is your best bet. I would go with a plan like HAM has outlined and go hard for supervised visitation based on the fact that he walked out while he was in his care and so you have valid concern for his wellbeing if he is left alone...