MIL wants to come see the baby but I'm not so sure

[amyhulen]

We are expecting DD #3 sometime between Christmas and the 3rd week of January. DH's Mom has already told him she is planning to fly up and stay for a week or so after the baby is born. We are a military family and DH will either be gone before or shortly after this baby is born. I will be a single mom with 3 kids very little energy and a hectic schedule.

Here's the catch. Our children take a back seat to her non biological grandchildren. Her current husbands granddaughter who is 16 is expecting a baby around the same time as I am and she is flying to Texas to see that baby first. Not that I have a problem with her visiting us AFTER she goes to see the other baby even if that baby is born weeks after our own. I do have a problem with the fact that for the last 3 or so years she has barely given our kids the time of day. She hasn't called, mailed a card, sent gifts, or anything else for ANY special occasions such as birthdays or Christmas or any other holiday/special occasion.

A month ago DD #2 who is almost 6 mailed a picture that she had specially made for grandma. She finally called DH the other day to let him know she had recieved it. Did she ask to speak with her granddaughter. NOPE. Does she care? I kinda doubt it. When she last visited she barely even talked to our now 13 year old, yet talked non stop about the other grandchildren who are now teens as well.

The last thing I want to deal with after bringing home a baby and helping my kids through a major adjustment like that is feeling completely shut out by grandma. I don't want them left with the impression that they are somehow less important than the baby, knowing that she is going to shower that baby with attention.

I have decided that in order to keep things neutral I would aks DH to request that his mother visit next summer AFTER the girls are out of school. If i try to broach the real reason I don't want her visiting feelings will be hurt and people will be offended and we have already been down that rocky road. I would tell her myself but she barely talks to me anyway.

I wanted to get some second opinions. Am I being fair to our daughters or do you think I am being overly sensitive?

[Norasmomma]

She sounds like my grandmother. My g-ma has always talked about her non-bio grandkids and now great-grandkids more than her real ones, she treats us bad and is plain ol not nice. Currently she goes on and on about how awesome my step-sis's son is and how smart he is, does she say ONE nice thing about MY children, uh not a chance

I would personally not want my children exposed to that, especially with a new baby and DH being gone. I think it is totally reasonable to have her come next summer.

[ssh]

Maybe your DH should be there for any of her visits and he should handle any rudeness on your MILs part. I wouldn't let any one stay with us if they were rude to any of my children.

[Latte Mama]

Wait a minute, she ignores your kids and you're worried about offending HER? No way mama! Stand up for your kids and definitely nix this visit. I'm all about life is too short for having crappy people in it.

Does she have any type of relationship with your kids or you? It sounds to me like there needs to be some frank and open discussion. People get away with this crap because others allow it. Maybe have your husband talk to her being that it is his mom. No way would I let my mom pull that stuff.

I don't mean to be harsh but I just hate hearing stuff like this, so crappy!

[Caneel]

Originally Posted by Latte Mama

Wait a minute, she ignores your kids and you're worried about offending HER? No way mama! Stand up for your kids and definitely nix this visit. I'm all about life is too short for having crappy people in it.

Does she have any type of relationship with your kids or you? It sounds to me like there needs to be some frank and open discussion. People get away with this crap because others allow it. Maybe have your husband talk to her being that it is his mom. No way would I let my mom pull that stuff.

I don't mean to be harsh but I just hate hearing stuff like this, so crappy!

Yep. Have your DH tell her she can't come until next summer.

My MIL has pretty much zero interest in DS (her only bio-grandkid) but is extremely involved in her step-grandkid's lives. It is what it is but there is no way I would ever let her infringe on my home and new baby time. (She wouldn't ever try but if she did, I would have DH put a stop to that.)

[Arduinna]

What's your primary goal here?

To have guest free time with the baby for a certain amount of time. Which is completely understandable, although most relatives will think that 6 months is excessive.

Do you want to punish her for not being more involved? Also understandable, but if you ask her to not come for 6 months, you need to accept that this will just further her lack of involvement and likely alienate her. If you don't care, that is fine. I'd just make sure I'm being honest with myself as to the likely long tern effects.

Do you want to foster a better relationship with your kids and her? If so, I'd work out a time for her to come that works for both of you, maybe a month or so after the birth. And next time your kids mail her something, if she hasn't called within a week I'd call her "to make sure she got it". Sounds like she needs a little reminder.

As for the discussing of the other kids in the family. Is she negatively comparing your kids to the others? Or just making general chit chat? Just sharing what the other kids are up to is pretty normal family behaviour, but it shouldn't come with an attitude.

[lonegirl]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

What's your primary goal here?

To have guest free time with the baby for a certain amount of time. Which is completely understandable, although most relatives will think that 6 months is excessive.

Do you want to punish her for not being more involved? Also understandable, but if you ask her to not come for 6 months, you need to accept that this will just further her lack of involvement and likely alienate her. If you don't care, that is fine. I'd just make sure I'm being honest with myself as to the likely long tern effects.

Do you want to foster a better relationship with your kids and her? If so, I'd work out a time for her to come that works for both of you, maybe a month or so after the birth. And next time your kids mail her something, if she hasn't called within a week I'd call her "to make sure she got it". Sounds like she needs a little reminder.

As for the discussing of the other kids in the family. Is she negatively comparing your kids to the others? Or just making general chit chat? Just sharing what the other kids are up to is pretty normal family behaviour, but it shouldn't come with an attitude.

[cjam]

It sounds like she's not a very good grandma. But keeping her from seeing her grandchild for six months sounds unreasonable. It would really burn bridges. It would cause even more hurt feelings. I can understand not wanting to have house guests for the first few weeks after the birth, but anything beyond that is unreasonable.

[crazyms]

My ILs mistreat the kids as well and at this point aren't allowed to see them at all but in the past we found other ways to deal with them like going to visit right before or after a holiday instead of on it so they couldn't ruin our holiday, only visiting for a few hours at a time for carefully arranged visits, trying to plan visits for when other family would be there so the focus would be off of us and the kids and we could just kind of 'be there' for a little while.

I can understand not wanting to deal with her especially after having a new baby so maybe get her to hold off on visiting. You mentioned until summer but the baby is due in Dec/Jan so do the kids maybe have a school holiday like a spring break in Mar or long Easter break in April? It would make the visit a little sooner but still give you quite a few weeks alone with your kids. My ILs aren't even allowed to see my kids anymore and likely never will be so I can understand needing to cut toxic people out of your life but since you mention stalling her if you don't want to cut her out completely then I'd find another way to make it better for everyone involved.

[limabean]

She barely talks to you? I wouldn't want someone like that visiting when my DH was out of town -- it would be very uncomfortable! I'd ask her to postpone her visit for a time when she can visit the entire family, including her son.

[AllisonR]

I don't understand her logic. She barely speaks to you. She is not interested in your kids. Your DH will not be there. So why is she coming? What is her interest in coming?

Regardless of what it is, what a momma needs after a baby is help and support. If she can't give any of that, that only makes your already tough job even harder.

[St. Margaret]

Originally Posted by AllisonR

I don't understand her logic. She barely speaks to you. She is not interested in your kids. Your DH will not be there. So why is she coming? What is her interest in coming?

Regardless of what it is, what a momma needs after a baby is help and support. If she can't give any of that, that only makes your already tough job even harder.

Word!

[peainthepod]

I would not want such an unsupportive person around so soon after a birth! Especially if my DH weren't there to act as a buffer.

There's no need to have some drama-filled conversation about it, OP. I would just have your DH tell her it simply isn't possible, but you'd like her to visit when everyone can be there to see her.

You don't owe this person your time or energy, so don't feel guilty about protecting your post-partum nest.

[Smithie]

"The last thing I want to deal with after bringing home a baby and helping my kids through a major adjustment like that is feeling completely shut out by grandma."

You've answered your own question. This would be a negative experience for your kids in a season when they're already going through a lot, and thus, the answer is, "sorry, we really can't manage that, we'll get together after the deployment's over."

I'm sorry that you do not have an awesome MIL. My MIL is Captain Helpful and a wonderful grandma, and it's a huge bright spot in the kids' lives and mine.

[Smidge]

Originally Posted by Latte Mama

Wait a minute, she ignores your kids and you're worried about offending HER? No way mama! Stand up for your kids and definitely nix this visit. I'm all about life is too short for having crappy people in it.

Does she have any type of relationship with your kids or you? It sounds to me like there needs to be some frank and open discussion. People get away with this crap because others allow it. Maybe have your husband talk to her being that it is his mom. No way would I let my mom pull that stuff.

I don't mean to be harsh but I just hate hearing stuff like this, so crappy!

Couldn't agree more. I'm sorry you're dealing with this OP

[Bellabaz]

Based on the background you have given i would do the exact same thing. Especially b/c your dh will not be there to buffer. I am a big proponent of mom gets to control post baby visits. Especially when these visits are bringing tension and not help with them. If I were you there would be no question in my mind that she would NOT be coming until later when dh was back or in the summer as you say. I am sorry you have to deal with this.

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by amyhulen

We are expecting DD #3 sometime between Christmas and the 3rd week of January. DH's Mom has already told him she is planning to fly up and stay for a week or so after the baby is born. We are a military family and DH will either be gone before or shortly after this baby is born. I will be a single mom with 3 kids very little energy and a hectic schedule.

Here's the catch. Our children take a back seat to her non biological grandchildren. Her current husbands granddaughter who is 16 is expecting a baby around the same time as I am and she is flying to Texas to see that baby first. Not that I have a problem with her visiting us AFTER she goes to see the other baby even if that baby is born weeks after our own. I do have a problem with the fact that for the last 3 or so years she has barely given our kids the time of day. She hasn't called, mailed a card, sent gifts, or anything else for ANY special occasions such as birthdays or Christmas or any other holiday/special occasion.

A month ago DD #2 who is almost 6 mailed a picture that she had specially made for grandma. She finally called DH the other day to let him know she had recieved it. Did she ask to speak with her granddaughter. NOPE. Does she care? I kinda doubt it. When she last visited she barely even talked to our now 13 year old, yet talked non stop about the other grandchildren who are now teens as well.

The last thing I want to deal with after bringing home a baby and helping my kids through a major adjustment like that is feeling completely shut out by grandma. I don't want them left with the impression that they are somehow less important than the baby, knowing that she is going to shower that baby with attention.

I have decided that in order to keep things neutral I would aks DH to request that his mother visit next summer AFTER the girls are out of school. If i try to broach the real reason I don't want her visiting feelings will be hurt and people will be offended and we have already been down that rocky road. I would tell her myself but she barely talks to me anyway.

I wanted to get some second opinions. Am I being fair to our daughters or do you think I am being overly sensitive?

You don't want to tell your DH the real reason why you don't want her there?Does he not know already? I'd be less concerned about hurt feelings and more concerned with the well being of the children. If she barely talks to you and the children she can stay at home. Having a newborn with other little ones to deal with is stressful enough. I refuse to let anyone (including my husbands mother) make me uncomfortable in the place where I rest my head).

[amyhulen]

Thanks ladies.

Unfortunatly DH see's this differently than I do. For some reason he doesn't see it as a problem for HIS mom to do this, but it is a problem if my mom pulls the whole favorite grandchild thing because my mom preferes DD#1 over DD#2, I have no tolerance either way and my mom is sure to get an earfull if things get out of hand courtesy of her no nonsense daughter.

Being that we have NOTHING in common with MIL because we are pretty crunchy and she is at the absolute opposite spectrum of crunchy there isn't much to talk about when I do see her. Sorry but I can't relate to binge drinking, and shopping till you drop.

Our 13 year old is plenty old to see what is going on and this stuff does have an effect on her to the point of her having asked me why grandma hates her and her sister in the past.

I am in no way trying to restrict her from seeing her grandkids but there is an appropriate time and place for it. Dropping in just after a baby arrives after not having talked to said kids for 2+ years is not what I personally deem appropriate.

I don't want to give DH the impression that I don't like his mom because that isn't the case. We used to get along great but things changed after she drove me to threaten to divorce DH when she convinced him to lie to me over a house purchase. I have since forgiven and forgotten.

The next time DH brings this up I am going to stick to my guns and request that she visit in the summer when EVERYONE can be home to enjoy her company and hopefully she will bring her husband who the girls adore. That way there is no "bad guy" in this situation.

Having enough help with the baby won't be an issue as I do have a couple of great friends one of which is a doula who have already offered to help out. Lucky me. phewww... now I can stop fretting.

[Lisa1970]

Your husband needs to tell her that her visit needs to wait until he is back in town. For you, I would forward her lists of local hotels and rates and their numbers. Make it clear that she will NOT be staying at your home with you. Once she realizes she has to stay at a hotel, she will be less likely to come.

[Lisa1970]

Also, you need to get out of the mindset that just because she is grandma, she can treat your children and you however she wants. That is just priming them for abusive relationships in the future, I am not kidding. People who had to put up with bad relationships as child, under the excuse that it is family, are far more likely to stay in bad relationships and marriages and such as adults. You need to teach the children boundaries, and that starts with only having MIL around on your terms, not hers.

Good luck! I really have been there, done that, big time. I know it is extremely important to teach self respect and self preservation to children. (((hugs)))