plese help me find alternatives

[brandywine]

I've spanked my kids a few times. I hate it. We AP in every other aspect, but for some reason, now and then I have this knee-jerk reaction to something one of them does and 'smack.' As I'm sure you've guessed, I was spanked alot as a kid. I can count the number of times I've hit my kids on one hand, but still feel that once is too much. I know I should have contol over myself, but in the heat of the moment somehow I feel justified in spanking and feel it's the right thing to do (only at that moment). I have spanked my kids for:
Running into the street
Jumping off the top of a very tall dresser (how did she get up there?)
Kicking me in the face in the midst of a tantrum.

The first two times, I felt an overwhelming sense of fear for their safety, and although there's no logic to it at all, my first reaction was to FURTHER ENDANGER them by hitting them!
The third time, there was no thought process at all. She kicked me hard in the jaw out of anger and there her butt was, right in my face, so I gave it a smack.

I feel like I'm really setting myself up for criticism by posting this here, and I'm new so I haven't been around to see what kind of reactions others might have gotten over such a post. I already know that spanking is very wrong, so please only reply if you have advice that might help.

Also, I've occasionally has to pick up my four year old and take her to a different room for one reason or another (nap, needs to brush teeth, mistreated the cat) this doesn't happen often, but when it does, she kicks, hits, pinches, tries to bite, pulls my hair etc. When I get her into the other room, should I stay with her and endure her wrath, or should I leave her by herself? She never acts out physically against anyone else.

[Piglet68]

Hi brandywine, and welcome!

I'm sure not going to flame you for being so open and honest with yourself and us. It can be really, really difficult sometimes to react "conciously" all the time, instead of "unconciously" (i.e. knee jerk reactions). And obviously how you were treated as a child has a great deal of impact on that.

I can relate to your "triggers". Fear tends to be a big one. I'm not really sure why, to be honest. I recall one time when my dog ran out into the street and I gave her the biggest whack. I was so frightened for her I just lashed out. I don't know why. I also know that being hit is very very hard. I recall play fighting with my brother and accidentally getting hit a bit too hard and my immediate reaction was to just whack him right back in a very aggressive way, even though it was obvious from the immediate expression on his face after he hit me that it had been an accident. This long winded paragraph is to say - I think you're normal!

So the problem is that your brain is hard-wired with certain reflexes/reactive patterns of behaviour, and the trick is to try to become concious of those and actively "rewire" yourself. There are several good books you can read on the subject. For me, personally, I find what really helps is rehearsing the situation over and over in my head, playing it out the way I *want* it to be, so that when I'm confronted with that situation I've had "practice" already, kwim? So, at least once a day take a mental moment to rehearse a potentially tough situation - like having to remove your DD from the room. How would you like to deal with it? Play that scenario in your head over and over. Watch it, like a movie. It really will help when the time comes.

HTH!

[moss]

I think it's awesome that you're taking steps to change behaviour that you know is harmful and that you dont want to continue doing. I hope that you only find support in your journey towards more peaceful living.

I'll just put a couple of links up for you to read. The authors are much more eloquent than i am, and they have some great stategies for dealing with what you're going thru....

http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/punishment.html
http://www.awareparenting.com/twenty.htm