Dealing with DS at the grocery store - Page 2

[Smithie]

"You can ignore the screaming without ignoring the child."


I am a SAHM with a husband. I can plan my shopping trips so as to avoid taking a screamer to the store. I can go when DH is not working, or when my screamer is attending their lovely nurturing preschool, or spending time with their lovely nurturing grandma who lives down the street.

If I couldn't do that, then I WOULDN'T do that. I'd strap my screamer in the cart, keep up a stream of positive chatter as I shopped, and just freaking get through it. And I would certainly not expect to be judged by the other hippie moms in the store. I'd expect them to assume that I was doing my best.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by Smithie

"You can ignore the screaming without ignoring the child."


I am a SAHM with a husband. I can plan my shopping trips so as to avoid taking a screamer to the store. I can go when DH is not working, or when my screamer is attending their lovely nurturing preschool, or spending time with their lovely nurturing grandma who lives down the street.

If I couldn't do that, then I WOULDN'T do that. I'd strap my screamer in the cart, keep up a stream of positive chatter as I shopped, and just freaking get through it. And I would certainly not expect to be judged by the other hippie moms in the store. I'd expect them to assume that I was doing my best.

[SpottedFoxx]

Quick story about the ignoring of the screamer...

One day I HAD to get a few things at the store. My DS melted the minute we walked in. I even managed to score one of those cool rocket ship carts for him but he wanted to walk. He cried and cried and yelled and yelled. I just calmly told him I'm sorry he wasn't getting his way but this is the way we need to do things and if he wants to visit his friends (he loves to look at the lobsters) he was going to have to calm down. Nope, this time, didn't work. He cried and cried. Then I see a woman down on the other end of the market waving frantically at me. I looked behind me and no one was there. As I got closer she ignored me and said to my son "are you a crazy driver? Don't crash into my cart!" and with that she bumped our cart ever so gently and she just laughed. OMG - my son started to laugh with her and said "Mommy I a crazy driver!" Poof - drama done.

Moral of the story - if you see another parent with a melty child - please don't be afraid to pitch in for the cause

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by SpottedFoxx

A very dear friend of mine had a great way to get the kids to behave at the grocery store. She had 5 kids and they were always amazing in public....

There are two parts - first few times you do this - intend to shop without buying any frozen goods (you'll understand why in a second).

Before you leave for the store, sit your child down and give him the rules...

1. You must stay in the cart. If you want to walk, you must ask nicely (no yelling) and you may walk but you must hold the cart at all times and not touch anything on the shelf.

2. If you stay in the cart/by the cart and follow the rules, you get $2.00 to spend on whatever you want in the supermarket. It can be a toy, a cereal he wants, candy, whatever (you have no say in what he buys - it's his money that he earned).

3. If you yell, run away or pull something off the shelf, we will leave the store and you will not get your $2.00 and we will not get our groceries.

Then go to the store. If he starts to act up. Leave the cart where it is (find an employee and let them know you have to leave but there is nothing perishable in the cart) and then leave.

My girlfriend only had to leave the store 1x with each of her children in order for this to sink in.

Then the fun begins when they get it - you see what kind of strange things your kid will buy. She told me one time her son decided he wanted the shrimp cocktail - the kind that comes together -sauce and shrimp in a jar.


As a side note - one of the other things she did that I loved was at the playground, she'd take a piece of chalk and draw lines on the ground to "block off" areas she didn't want the kids to go. She'd tell them that she'd know when they were ready to leave because one of them would cross the line. Until the line was crossed (or until a set time arrived), they could play as much as they wanted. Again, only 1x did a kid cross the line and it never happened again.

These methods really rub me the wrong way. It just seems excessively...something. I can't imagine holding on to a shopping cart for an extended period of time. And I can't imagine paying my children to go shopping with me.

[akind1]

I think the idea of payment also helps with the "I wants" it isn't a bribe to me, it is like any other chore, and shopping with young ones is just that, a chore.

DS is 11 months, and while he can't walk on his own yet, he loves to help push the cart. I tend to let him sit in the basket, it is less restrictive (no seat belt) and there is more room for stuff to put in back with him to keep him occupied.

My mom's tried and true trick was a box of animal crackers.

I think eventually you will hit on whatever works best for you.

[hakeber]

Is your market really huge? Because at that age I started going to a supermarket that was really small and local, and I asked the door guards to keep an eye at the door for him, and showed him where the customer service lady was and then we'd go in, say hello to everyone and divide the list into thing he could get and things I had to get, and I'd let him wander.

When we occassionally had to do a big shop at a giant store, he was allowed out IF he stayed in the same aisle and he would get items from the low shelves there. When he broke the rule (ie ran away) he went back in the cart for three minutes, the next time six minutes, then the rest of the trip. If he followed the rules the whole time, he was allowed to pick out a new coloring book at the book aisle before we left.

[starbuckmom]

I have 22 mo old twins plus a 5 yr old that I take shopping on a regular basis.  When I am tired and want to get through the shopping trip faster, I will shop at night when my dh is home.  They love spending time with daddy when mommy isn't home!

Anyways, I play games with my kids.  I did this as a nanny when I had to take all 3 kids shopping.  I started in the produce and they had to find things on my list.  It helps the kids learn their fruits/veggies and colors!!  Its like playing I Spy with them!!!  My oldest loves playing "I Spy" for the groceries!  My twins absolutely love to toss things into the basket too.  I give them lightweight things to throw in.  They can also put apples, oranges, bell peppers, cucumbers, potatoes, anything in the produce bags for me.  I hold the bag and count with them. 

Something that helps too is taking toys that they don't play with very often.  We have toys in the car that stay in the car but can be taken into restaurants and stores. 

Get your ds involved in the shopping.

Something my kids get to have is a cookie when we go to a particular store.  Kids 6 and under get a free cookie from the bakery.  When my kids turn a year old, its a big thing for them to get their first free cookie there!!  My twins usually share a cookie.  We don't go to this store very often and we don't eat a lot of sweets at home so I am completely ok with this.

[MrsBone]

Okay, so I have had much better luck since implementing some of the ideas I was given on this thread! First of all, I tried to make sure DS had either just gotten up for the day or just gotten up from a nap before planning grocery trips, which helped. Previously, we'd get up, eat breakfast, play, and about 3-4 hours later go grocery shopping. He was closer to being ready for a nap. I didn't realize what a difference a couple of hours would make! I also give him a treat, like popcorn or fruit leather, and started bringing crayons and paper with me into the store. As long as he's well rested, has something to occupy him, he stays in the cart! It's amazing! :) I've just decided it's not worth the battle to try and take him in unless all conditions are good, rested, fed, occupied. So thank you! Shopping has been much better.

[The4OfUs]

AWESOME!!

[Tdunahoo]

Here's what I do with my DS (who sounds very similar to yours).  I start by telling him in the car that he needs to stay next to me while in the store if he wants to walk, otherwise he'll have to sit in the cart. I remind him again once we get into the store. He starts off walking next to me and if he takes off I give the first warning " you cannot take off in the store, if you do it again you'll have to sit in the cart because I need you to stay close to me and be safe" if he does it again he goes into the cart, right away. There is usually screaming but do it, trust me the screaming stops. He sits in the cart for a few minutes and I tell him I can't talk to him while he's screaming but if he uses his words we can discuss walking. He ALWAYS calms down (I use the "can't talk unless you use your words a lot at home), I say I'll give him another chance to walk but he needs to be a good listener and helper. Usually that is all it takes, but if we have a rough day where he isn't listening I check out with the stuff I have in the cart (screaming child or not) and we try again. The first 2 or 3 times I did this it was rough, but after that he knows what to expect so he does it.

I think if you start a pattern for your expectations your little guy will pick it up and shopping will become a lot easier. I know how tough it is to have a screaming toddler in a store or a toddler who is pulling everything off the shelf. 

[MrsBone]

I love the idea of leaving the store with a half empty cart, or just checking out with what I have but it's just not very practical in my case. I'd waste so much gas going to and from the grocery store.  The nearest one is 25 minutes away. I'm not going to leave the grocery store if I'm not done to go home and wait to try another day or even later that day. There's got to be another way! :)
 

Originally Posted by Tdunahoo 

Here's what I do with my DS (who sounds very similar to yours).  I start by telling him in the car that he needs to stay next to me while in the store if he wants to walk, otherwise he'll have to sit in the cart. I remind him again once we get into the store. He starts off walking next to me and if he takes off I give the first warning " you cannot take off in the store, if you do it again you'll have to sit in the cart because I need you to stay close to me and be safe" if he does it again he goes into the cart, right away. There is usually screaming but do it, trust me the screaming stops. He sits in the cart for a few minutes and I tell him I can't talk to him while he's screaming but if he uses his words we can discuss walking. He ALWAYS calms down (I use the "can't talk unless you use your words a lot at home), I say I'll give him another chance to walk but he needs to be a good listener and helper. Usually that is all it takes, but if we have a rough day where he isn't listening I check out with the stuff I have in the cart (screaming child or not) and we try again. The first 2 or 3 times I did this it was rough, but after that he knows what to expect so he does it.

I think if you start a pattern for your expectations your little guy will pick it up and shopping will become a lot easier. I know how tough it is to have a screaming toddler in a store or a toddler who is pulling everything off the shelf. 

[GoBecGo]

When my DD1 was this age i was a single mama.  I had to do it, i had to do it alone, i had nowhere i could leave dd and no WAY did i have money for an online delivery, that was over a third of my WEEKLY grocery bill just in delivery charge!  Once every 3 months i would get an online shop and i was so i could have my tins and packets delivered as i had no car (and no way of transporting 36tins of tomatoes, 24 tins of mixed beans etc., 10kg of pasta, 5kg of rice, and so on without getting taxis which were more expensive than the online delivery charges).

I did what fuzzylogic describes.  I put her in the cart, i fastened the seat belt (which is much safer anyway, i've seen several kids stand in the seat in the seconds the mom's back is turned then tumble and split their faces/scalps open, it takes a few seconds and can be a really horrible injury) and stayed calm and attempted to entertain her.  If she tantrumed...oh well.  We had to eat, i had to shop, she had to deal.  If i was running in for things real quick i wore her in the meitai.  As she got bigger (and exceeded the weight limit on the cart) i let her try walking and yes, she had to hold the cart.  Even now she is required to hold the cart/my hand if we're in the store.  *I* have to hold the cart the whole time we're in the store, so i can well imagine it.  It's a bit boring.  It's not the end of the world.  

The way i see it, i am in charge of DD, it's up to me to make sure she's safe and not destroying her surroundings.  She has EVERY RIGHT to express her opinion on how i choose to manage those tasks, but i can't be taking it into account the whole time.  I definitely ignored the tantrum, not the child.

[plantnerd]

Have you tried one of those baby leashes?  That way baby can walk with you, but isn't able to take off or get to shelves unless you allow it.  Seems like it would be a good compromise.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by plantnerd 

Have you tried one of those baby leashes?  That way baby can walk with you, but isn't able to take off or get to shelves unless you allow it.  Seems like it would be a good compromise.

The leashes are long enough for baby to get to the shelves, especially if mom is right next to the shelf.

[hopefulfaith]

They totally are.    I made that mistake once...and then I had to pick up an entire noodle display that my daughter had knocked over.

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

Originally Posted by plantnerd 

Have you tried one of those baby leashes?  That way baby can walk with you, but isn't able to take off or get to shelves unless you allow it.  Seems like it would be a good compromise.

The leashes are long enough for baby to get to the shelves, especially if mom is right next to the shelf.

I had two kids under two, and grocery shopping was my nemesis.  I didn't have the luxury of going without kids very often; my dh works crazy hours, and if I waited for him to be home with the kids so I could shop, we would be eating .... cereal and canned corn or something for dinner.  ;)

I used a carrier for one while my ds rode with a seatbelt on in the cart.  Sometimes I brought a healthy earth sucker along for him to suck while we shopped.  Other times, he got to ride in the basket and be "in charge" of stacking boxes/cans and minding the produce.  He liked to sort it by color when he was about two.

The thing that worked really, really, really, really well for me was introducing the concept of "TEAM (lastname)".  Whenever we would go into a store, the kids and I would have a team huddle.  I laid out the expectations and told them approximately how long we would be there/what we needed/what help I needed from them.  I usually made up a job for each of them:  "Ds, I need you to help me find apples.  Dd, you are in charge of bananas."  I made it clear that our family needs food and we are the ones to get it; it was not negotiable, we were going to do it, and we had to work together as a team.

Even now, my kids are 5 and 4 -- we use our TEAM (lastname) all the time.  The kids love referring to us by our team name and sometimes even yell "GO TEAM!" before we go into a store/whatever.  Being part of a family means sucking it up to do the less than awesome things like grocery shopping.  I do what I can to make it fun, but even when it's not fun, we still have to do it.  (There's my life lesson for the kids.)  It takes all of us to make it successful.......even if we're just running in for a gallon of milk and spaghetti sauce.

This team thing has carried over to other parts of our life -- snow shoveling, sweeping the kitchen/clearing the table, etc., and I love to see my kids grow up feeling responsible for our group success.  It honestly started with grocery shopping.  :)

That doesn't mean we didn't have miserable trips -- and sometimes we still do (ever watched a 5 and 4 year old fight in the checkout lane?  those are my kids) -- but for the most part, I try to make it as painless as possible.  Sometimes I even split a peppermint patty in the car after a successful trip by our team.

Good luck.  Shopping with kids is an evolving process.  :)

[Peony]

I am the one thing that thinks subjecting an entire store to a toddler screaming while you do your shopping isn't the answer? I've even ignoring the larger issue of the effects on the child and meeting the child where they are at developmental Sitting still is not high on most todder's priority lists. Children tantrum, all mine have, if they don't calm down then we leave and try again later. If I am in the process of checking out then of course I will finish but to go through my entire list, I feel that is very inconsiderate of others. For the record I don't have 1 child and endless time to shop but 3, we have a busy life, it is an issue when I can't get the stuff I need when I have carefully allotted the time to do it. 

For the getting through the store in the first place. I've done various things over the years depending what worked best on that child. Going at naptime and wearing the toddler so they would fall asleep on my back. Getting a treat if they allow me to get through the store. Bringing snacks, toys, etc... Making multiple quick dashes through the store when I normally only do one large trip a week. Trying to go on times when I have the least amount of children with me. It is a phase just like most of childhood is, it will pass, until then it is all about surviving it. 

[D_McG]

I get what you're saying but I the point for me anyway was that they won't tantrum each and every time you make them sit in the cart.  It's a one or maybe two shot deal during which they child learns that freaking out doesn't make them get their way, all the time and on some level maybe even learns the important lesson that is 'my  needs don't come first all the time'. 

Sitting still might not be high on my little girl's priority list.  It doesn't have to be. But she still has to learn how to do it without it being a huge drama every time. 

Some of the biggest mistakes I made with my son (my first) were not having high enough expectations of him and OVER explaining his behaviour as being 'age appropriate'.  Just because it's age appropriate doens't mean it's OK. 

Obviously your way is working for you though.  Just explaining mine.

Originally Posted by Peony 

I am the one thing that thinks subjecting an entire store to a toddler screaming while you do your shopping isn't the answer? I've even ignoring the larger issue of the effects on the child and meeting the child where they are at developmental Sitting still is not high on most todder's priority lists. Children tantrum, all mine have, if they don't calm down then we leave and try again later. If I am in the process of checking out then of course I will finish but to go through my entire list, I feel that is very inconsiderate of others. For the record I don't have 1 child and endless time to shop but 3, we have a busy life, it is an issue when I can't get the stuff I need when I have carefully allotted the time to do it. 

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Peony 

I am the one thing that thinks subjecting an entire store to a toddler screaming while you do your shopping isn't the answer? I've even ignoring the larger issue of the effects on the child and meeting the child where they are at developmental Sitting still is not high on most todder's priority lists. Children tantrum, all mine have, if they don't calm down then we leave and try again later. If I am in the process of checking out then of course I will finish but to go through my entire list, I feel that is very inconsiderate of others. For the record I don't have 1 child and endless time to shop but 3, we have a busy life, it is an issue when I can't get the stuff I need when I have carefully allotted the time to do it. 

Eh.  I think that part of going to the store is that sometimes you get to listen to children scream.  Same as being on an airplane (has anyone ever been on an airplane and not listened to a baby cry for a good part of it??), going to the mall, playground, etc.  It's certainly not ideal, I don't like listening to other peoples children scream, but it happens. 

Children do need to learn at some point that the world does not revolve around them, and to be honest, sitting still isn't real high on MY list of priorities either, but I'm in school and I have to sit through boring classes all the time.  I agree with bringing snacks, or doing something fun after to reward a good trip (park anyone?), or even going to the park before shopping to get some energy out first so that sitting still might work better (and bringing a spill proof sippy cup with some water/juice/milk).  I think having survival tactics is always a good idea, but knowing that children will tantrum occasionally and that shouldn't always get them what they want is OK too.