is this crazy ?

[mrstanimal]

My story in a nutshell: I gave birth to our son after 2 IUIs. He's now almost 17 months, and we're ready to add to our family. My partner tried a couple IUIs, and found out she has Endometriosis. She had surgery for it, and was also put on Clomid. So, 4 attempts and no luck so far. We're both 33. We thought about me doing IVF, and carrying her egg, but in order to do so, I'd have to wean our son, and that is something I won't consider.

We've been kind of going back and forth about how to proceed. I think this last IUI really got to her, and she talked of wanting to take a break. In the meantime, I feel really strongly about wanting to try to get pregnant again myself. I finally got my period, and just have an intense desire. Of course, with the amount that our son is nursing, I'm not sure how long it would take me.

My partner came up with what I feel is a crazy idea. She wants to try to get pregnant together. She thinks it would be great, fun, a way to bond, etc. It makes me really nervous for a variety of reasons. Anyone have any advice ? Or experience in this matter ? I feel completely confused !

[lyn_ftst]

It sounds to me like your partner really wants to be pregnant. Sure, 6 tries seems like a lot, but it really isn't. Your extremely high fertility on round one probably makes it seem extra long, but as many folks here can tell you, 6 IUIs just isn't all that much.

If your partner really wants to carry (and it sounds like she does, I think the "trying together" is a way to take the pressure off. If she wanted out completely, she'd be encouraging you to take over completely), I think you have an obligation to support her in this. Think back to how many family resources would have gone into your getting pregnant with your first, and put that into this for her. I'm guessing you would have easily gone way more than 6 tries before switching up.

I say all of this as a mom who "went second" in our family, after my wife conceived on her second cycle trying at home ICI with frozen. (I mean seriously? Who gets pregnant that easily??!!). I really *really* wanted to be pregnant, and her easy fertility compared to my long, painful, irregular, often anovulatory cycles was hard to handle. I felt like my try was always about to disappear. It didn't. She wasn't jonesing for my shot. She was supportive. But it wasn't easy, and I saw starkly how the pressures can converge to make that "second try" disappear so easily.

Others might not agree, and obviously much of my own experience is informing this response and your partner might not feel nearly as strongly about wanting to be pregnant as I did, but my gut reaction is that the right thing to do is for your energies to go towards supporting her in achieving pregnancy herself, supporting her if she needs a break for a couple cycles, and not jumping into that space yourself.

I wrote here about the pressures that can take that second try away:
http://firsttimesecondtime.com/2008/...-switcheroo-2/
Not sure if any of it rings true for you guys, but it might be worth a look.

No matter what, good luck.

[indigoscot]

i went first with our first baby and like you was pregnant after 2 IUIs. it was always our plan that dp would carry our second baby and so when ds1 was 18 months we started down that road. it turned out that she had many fertility issues - none of them major thankfully (hypothyroidism, pcos, mthfr hetero, factor v leiden hetero) - but we decided to go see a specialist in order to maximize our chances. dp was pregnant after her 3rd try - but it took from december 2008 until may 2009 to get there.

we did have a long discussion about her issues and if it seemed like it was going to be insurmountable that we'd consider me trying again. it did not come to that, but we did at least discuss it. as it turned out, i had a very easy pregnancy and dp had hg and was miserable.

dp will be the one trying again for our third baby - i would LOVE to be pregnant again but my age (41) and post-partum blood clot (means i would be on heparin for the entire pregnancy) makes that a bad idea. dp is 34.

on the subject of trying together - i know of one other couple who did this. they both struggled with infertility. they did not get pregnant at exactly the same time but were pregnant together. the first one had a singleton and the second twins. the babies were born in november and april (so they will be in the same school year!). now, they did not have a child already when they went down this path. i do know when they were in the third trimester it was extremely tough and with emotions running high they were bitching at each other a lot.

with you guys you already have a son. if you were to get pregnant soon-ish, he would be a little over 2 when the bab(ies) arrive. our oldest son was 2.5 when baby brother arrived. he was not a happy camper. i can't imagine if we had both been pregnant and both bringing a new baby into the family. it would have been very, very difficult. you know from being pregnant yourself how tired you are, the morning sickness, the aches and pains, the emotional rollercoaster - all that AND having to run around after a toddler. if your son is anything like ours, that means a lot of work.

anyways, i'm not saying it would necessarily be a bad thing for you but there are definitely some things to consider. for example, how would your dp feel if you got pregnant first? would she continue to try? would there be resentment because once again your fertility has trumped hers?

good luck with your decision!
g

[mommy55]

2 cents

I've lurked here quite a bit and wanted to post a quick reply on the idea of conceiving together. Several people have suggested this to us. The fact that you already have a child seems to make this somewhat more feasible - you know what it's like to do the late nights and to deal with hormones/exhaustion and the many other things that can be part of pregnancy. I always laughed off the idea - I just imagined the two of us due within weeks of each other and driving each other crazy.....who would really be there for support, etc.? Would my 8 1/2-month pregnant wife drive me to the hospital in the middle of the night if my water broke? Would I be able to help her during labor if we had a week-old baby?! Those are the things that scared me about that idea - really getting pregnant together and delivering within weeks of each other.

I have to throw in one of the funniest things I've ever read on this topic - I read a magazine article a few years back about a same-sex couple who went down this path. They did get pregnant and they were due w/in weeks of each other. The mom who wrote the article was hilarious - she told a story about them coming home one day, walking up the steps to their front door, and accidentally dropping the house keys. They both stood there and looked at each other - neither pregnant mom could bend over much and she said they considered calling a locksmith to come over to change the locks instead of picking up the keys.

If you think you can both handle it, I don't see it as a terrible idea. I'm sure there might be really difficult times, but you'll get past them.